Wiener Dog Rodeo

Will and I do not have children, we instead have three mini wiener dogs.  Chip is Will's dog, Lilly was supposed to be my dog, but instead ended up the dreaded middle child, and then there is Spanky, the baby,the perfect dog, my dog.

This morning I shuffled down the steps and asked the dogs to go outside.  Usually, all you have to say is, "outside" and they eagerly run out the door.  This morning, Chip begrudgingly went outside, but then refused to leave the porch. I told him to "GO" which also usually works wonders.  He got to the bottom of the steps and stared at me indicating he was not going to move any further.  I finally threatened enough that he made it mid yard and that is where the show-down occurred.  He just stared at me as if to say, "F. You."  I told him to "GO!" and he just looked at me.  If he could have extended his middle finger, he would have.  I think I actually saw his mouth move, I think he was cussing under his breath, but his eyes, his beady eyes told the real story.  He was challenging me to make him pee. I could have squeezed him like a tube of toothpaste, but I didn't.  A breeze kicked up, I stood my ground, he stood his...a tumble weed rolled by and you could just hear the theme from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly playing in the background.  Not needing this much drama, I proceeded to the barn, fed the horses and returned to find him at the door to the house waiting to get in.  That little bastard.  He didn't pee.  I got to the door and told him, "no, you stay outside" and tried to get through the door.  He snaked in past me and ran into his bed.  I asked him to go outside and he wouldn't.  I thought, fine, I'll get the spray bottle.  We trained the dogs with the spray bottle, just water, and it works wonders...until today.  Chip braved multiple squirts and put his head up gallantly like he was freakin Braveheart.  I found myself running that spray bottle like a machine gun. I had to get a hold of myself. He wouldn't come.  I jerked the blankets out and finally he came out.  I locked him outside with the others.

It was now time for me to leave for work.  I open the door and the good child, Spanky, comes running.  Chip and Lilly were hiding in a dog crate we had sitting on the porch.  They were huddled in there like prisoners trapped in a cave, clinging to each other for life. It was ridiculous.  They wouldn't come out.  I don't have time for this crap, I have to go to work.  I get the squirt bottle and Lilly finally comes out.  She runs to the door and shakes as if she has been to hell and back.  Chip was holding his position, he was prepared to sit this one out.  I felt like Mommy Dearest...NO. WIRE. HANGERS.  I walked over and grabbed the dog crate and tilted it so he would come out.  His resolve was strong. The dark-side is strong in this one. Finally, I tipped it upside down so he would be dumped out.  To my astonishment, that frickin dog had his feet on all four sides of that door, like a cat being forced into a bathtub and he wasn't coming out!  I gave it shake after shake and finally I got him out.  He ran in the house into his bed.  Again, Chip and Lilly clung to each other for fear of the unknown.

With that, I gave my dog a stern talking to about the days activities and what was and was not allowed and left.  My blood pressure was still a little high, so I felt the need to call Will and tell him exactly what I thought of HIS dog.  I find this to be therapeutic. From that point on, the day seemed to go okay.

On this day, I stood proud. I may not be the dog whisperer, but by God, I won the buckle at the Wiener Dog Rodeo, no spurs required.