Anyone that knows me very well knows that I pretty much analyze everything. I can't help it. Part of it is because I'm a woman and I think most women are pretty introspective. Shark Bait may say I'm not only introspective, but obsessive as well. Look Pal, it's a skill and frankly, I think more people should tap into their analytical skills. Like, hmmmm, Cassondra looks pissy today...I wonder if I should really bug her about what I just saw in the bathroom.... Anyone with common sense (which is another subject all on its own), would take a look at the situation, consider possible scenarios of how that could go and make an educated decision. That is the beauty of analyzing a situation when utilizing it for one's own safety. Sadly, I run into many people that do not take the time to truly consider the outcome. Those people generally have to learn the hard way. I'm all about education.
Anyway, there is a lot of stuff to think about, if you think about it, which you should. I spent most of Talk Me Down Tuesday talking about my thoughts and what they really mean and how they impact my journey in life. The Rug Doctor spends a lot of time trying to get me to engage is positive self talk. It's cute that she has hope for me and thinks that I've made progress. I like her spunk and positive, if not delusional outlook. She believes in me. She wants me to believe in me. Someday I might, but until then, I'm mostly going to think about it.
We talked about how if you start your day thinking, "this day is going to suck," that it likely will. All your energy goes in to proving that statement to be true because we like to be right, we like to be validated in our feelings. So, people that start their day like, "I'm going to make this a great day!" will focus on all the positives and focus their energy on the bright side. Well, we all know where I stand on this positive, Polly Anna bullshit. The Rug Doctor understands the force is strong in this one, so we previously negotiated that my mantra would be, "Today probably won't totally suck." This is supposed to be my starting point. And then at the end of the day, I'm supposed to think, "today was good enough." So, start your day and end your day with positive-ish thoughts. This is a problem for me. Let's examine an average day:
Alarm clock goes off, I hit snooze. "Fucking alarm clock. I don't want to get up, I've been up half the night, I'm tired and my hip hurts. I wonder why my hip hurts. Stupid body...I'm probably dying, it's probably bone cancer...if I do get up, what am I going to wear today?"
Seven minutes later, alarm goes off again, I hit snooze button. "I can't get up, I wish I could call out today and just stay in bed all day. But would I really want to stay in bed? I'd probably get tired of being in bed. And then once I got up, what would I do? Would I clean house? Watch TV? Go see my pony? I would like to go shopping but I'm too poor. I hate being poor. What if I won the lottery? I should buy a ticket. If I won, I would totally buy a big piece of land. But if I won the lottery, I'd have to win, like, a shit ton of money because I have things I want to do and people I want to help. I'd have to go to the store to buy a lottery ticket. What numbers would I choose? That means I have to get out of bed, but if I am going to the store, I have to take a shower. I can't just go like this. And, I can't just take a shower, I have to do my hair. I really hate my hair right now. I look like a boy if I don't wear any make-up. I wonder if I should grow my hair out? I mean, it's really hard getting through that middle stage, but if I can do it, that would be good. If I lost weight I wouldn't look so ridiculous. I hate that I'm fat. Why can't I do what I need to do to get skinny? What if I never get skinny? Will I end up in one of those Hover Round wheel chairs? I probably won't live that long because I'm fat. What happened to my underwear? Did I take them off before I went to bed? Did we have sex last night? I don't think we did...no, we didn't, I'd remember. Will's still sleeping, why does he get to sleep? (let out big sign and tug on blankets) should we have sex now? No, that's gross, who has sex in the morning with morning breath? I mean, I guess you could just not kiss. Have we ever had morning sex? I think once. We are night people...sometimes afternoon. Sigh....I need to get up. What am I going to wear today?"
Get up, get in shower. "I wonder how long this shower scrubby has been in here...it probably has dead skin on it. Should I shave my legs today? Who's gonna notice? No one. I hate my legs. How did I get to be this fat? I need to eat better today. I should go to the gym. I hate going to the gym. I'll feel better. I'm totally going to the gym today. I mean, if Shark Bait isn't going to be too late. If he is, I can't go to the gym because I have to go home to let the dogs out. Who let the dogs out? woof woof.... stop screwing around. I wonder if anything is in my belly button, I hate putting my finger in there, it's weird. I wonder what would happen if I never cleaned in there. Gross...I don't think I feel like going to the gym today. What am I going to wear today...?"
Okay, I'll spare you the entire day, it's a lot of thoughts. What I'm really trying to get at is that I spend a lot of time thinking about everything. I brought up to the Rug Doctor that I think I'm probably a bad person because of the things I think about. And bad thoughts mean I probably deserve to be in this body. She says, "No one can hear your thoughts." To which I said, "God can." And in retrospect, probably Santa Claus can, too. Anyway, she says that all people have thoughts that might be mean or negative and that doesn't mean we are bad people. What makes a difference is what we do with those thoughts and that we use the filters to keep them inside. If we keep them inside, they don't hurt anyone, unless we are talking about mean thoughts about ourselves. That's harmful self-talk. I said, "Just on the way here I was thinking that I should embrace my fat self, let my skirt ride up showing my fatty legs, wear a tu tu over that and a Mickey Mouse shirt and shave half my head and dye the other half purple like other people I see that seem perfectly happy with looking like a crazy fat person. See, that's mean. Who am I to say what beauty is and if that person feels good, good for them. I'm a bad person for thinking that." The Rug Doctor insisted that those thoughts are normal and don't define who I am. What I do with them and how I treat people as a result define who I am. I did bring up the fact that I usually don't hide my feelings, so therefore, many of my thoughts are not a mystery. We are just going to call that a draw.
So, Rug Doctor doesn't think it's rational for me to feel like I deserve bad things because I have bad thoughts and my relationship with bad thoughts is a tough battle for me. My depression and the bad thoughts are having a party that my body doesn't really want to go to, but feels obligated because there's going to be cake, ice cream, pony rides and a big screen showing of Magic Mike and who doesn't want to participate in all that? I need to focus on the positive. I need to understand that progress is not always a straight line to the finish line, often times there are many little bunny trails we go on before we get back on track. Whatever. Just because I understand it doesn't mean I have to like it.
I guess I could try some positive thoughts. It's not a new idea. I've been trying, honestly, I have. I guess I have to try harder. Have you ever seen that video of the little girl giving herself positive affirmations in the morning? Here, let me grab it off of You Tube...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cgw8OFVHzd4.
Maybe I need to make something like this. Let me give it a try...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1l22RpWf7Hg&feature=share
There, I'm going to do this every morning. Probably. And go to the gym. Got my thoughts in order.
Anyway, there is a lot of stuff to think about, if you think about it, which you should. I spent most of Talk Me Down Tuesday talking about my thoughts and what they really mean and how they impact my journey in life. The Rug Doctor spends a lot of time trying to get me to engage is positive self talk. It's cute that she has hope for me and thinks that I've made progress. I like her spunk and positive, if not delusional outlook. She believes in me. She wants me to believe in me. Someday I might, but until then, I'm mostly going to think about it.
We talked about how if you start your day thinking, "this day is going to suck," that it likely will. All your energy goes in to proving that statement to be true because we like to be right, we like to be validated in our feelings. So, people that start their day like, "I'm going to make this a great day!" will focus on all the positives and focus their energy on the bright side. Well, we all know where I stand on this positive, Polly Anna bullshit. The Rug Doctor understands the force is strong in this one, so we previously negotiated that my mantra would be, "Today probably won't totally suck." This is supposed to be my starting point. And then at the end of the day, I'm supposed to think, "today was good enough." So, start your day and end your day with positive-ish thoughts. This is a problem for me. Let's examine an average day:
Alarm clock goes off, I hit snooze. "Fucking alarm clock. I don't want to get up, I've been up half the night, I'm tired and my hip hurts. I wonder why my hip hurts. Stupid body...I'm probably dying, it's probably bone cancer...if I do get up, what am I going to wear today?"
Seven minutes later, alarm goes off again, I hit snooze button. "I can't get up, I wish I could call out today and just stay in bed all day. But would I really want to stay in bed? I'd probably get tired of being in bed. And then once I got up, what would I do? Would I clean house? Watch TV? Go see my pony? I would like to go shopping but I'm too poor. I hate being poor. What if I won the lottery? I should buy a ticket. If I won, I would totally buy a big piece of land. But if I won the lottery, I'd have to win, like, a shit ton of money because I have things I want to do and people I want to help. I'd have to go to the store to buy a lottery ticket. What numbers would I choose? That means I have to get out of bed, but if I am going to the store, I have to take a shower. I can't just go like this. And, I can't just take a shower, I have to do my hair. I really hate my hair right now. I look like a boy if I don't wear any make-up. I wonder if I should grow my hair out? I mean, it's really hard getting through that middle stage, but if I can do it, that would be good. If I lost weight I wouldn't look so ridiculous. I hate that I'm fat. Why can't I do what I need to do to get skinny? What if I never get skinny? Will I end up in one of those Hover Round wheel chairs? I probably won't live that long because I'm fat. What happened to my underwear? Did I take them off before I went to bed? Did we have sex last night? I don't think we did...no, we didn't, I'd remember. Will's still sleeping, why does he get to sleep? (let out big sign and tug on blankets) should we have sex now? No, that's gross, who has sex in the morning with morning breath? I mean, I guess you could just not kiss. Have we ever had morning sex? I think once. We are night people...sometimes afternoon. Sigh....I need to get up. What am I going to wear today?"
Get up, get in shower. "I wonder how long this shower scrubby has been in here...it probably has dead skin on it. Should I shave my legs today? Who's gonna notice? No one. I hate my legs. How did I get to be this fat? I need to eat better today. I should go to the gym. I hate going to the gym. I'll feel better. I'm totally going to the gym today. I mean, if Shark Bait isn't going to be too late. If he is, I can't go to the gym because I have to go home to let the dogs out. Who let the dogs out? woof woof.... stop screwing around. I wonder if anything is in my belly button, I hate putting my finger in there, it's weird. I wonder what would happen if I never cleaned in there. Gross...I don't think I feel like going to the gym today. What am I going to wear today...?"
Okay, I'll spare you the entire day, it's a lot of thoughts. What I'm really trying to get at is that I spend a lot of time thinking about everything. I brought up to the Rug Doctor that I think I'm probably a bad person because of the things I think about. And bad thoughts mean I probably deserve to be in this body. She says, "No one can hear your thoughts." To which I said, "God can." And in retrospect, probably Santa Claus can, too. Anyway, she says that all people have thoughts that might be mean or negative and that doesn't mean we are bad people. What makes a difference is what we do with those thoughts and that we use the filters to keep them inside. If we keep them inside, they don't hurt anyone, unless we are talking about mean thoughts about ourselves. That's harmful self-talk. I said, "Just on the way here I was thinking that I should embrace my fat self, let my skirt ride up showing my fatty legs, wear a tu tu over that and a Mickey Mouse shirt and shave half my head and dye the other half purple like other people I see that seem perfectly happy with looking like a crazy fat person. See, that's mean. Who am I to say what beauty is and if that person feels good, good for them. I'm a bad person for thinking that." The Rug Doctor insisted that those thoughts are normal and don't define who I am. What I do with them and how I treat people as a result define who I am. I did bring up the fact that I usually don't hide my feelings, so therefore, many of my thoughts are not a mystery. We are just going to call that a draw.
So, Rug Doctor doesn't think it's rational for me to feel like I deserve bad things because I have bad thoughts and my relationship with bad thoughts is a tough battle for me. My depression and the bad thoughts are having a party that my body doesn't really want to go to, but feels obligated because there's going to be cake, ice cream, pony rides and a big screen showing of Magic Mike and who doesn't want to participate in all that? I need to focus on the positive. I need to understand that progress is not always a straight line to the finish line, often times there are many little bunny trails we go on before we get back on track. Whatever. Just because I understand it doesn't mean I have to like it.
I guess I could try some positive thoughts. It's not a new idea. I've been trying, honestly, I have. I guess I have to try harder. Have you ever seen that video of the little girl giving herself positive affirmations in the morning? Here, let me grab it off of You Tube...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cgw8OFVHzd4.
Maybe I need to make something like this. Let me give it a try...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1l22RpWf7Hg&feature=share
There, I'm going to do this every morning. Probably. And go to the gym. Got my thoughts in order.
Cassandra. Just want to know why you are taking so long to come to the "magic mike party"?. Once you enter the " theater " you are going to have to sit waaaay down in front because the earth's app. 7billion introspective are going to be jammed into their seats with their therapeutic buckets of popcorn and big gulps. Every seat is stuffed with a different shape skin and bone bag of five sences,quasi balanced hormones,a different interpretation of fashion,diet,speech,and social skills!DOES'NT GOD HAVE A WONDERFULL IMAGINATION!! HE LOVES EACH AND EVERY PERSON HE EVER CREATED AND WILL CONTINUE TO CREATE!! SOOOO, WELCOME TO THE THEATER GRAB YOUR POPCORN, FIND YOUR SEAT, OH LOOK IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF 7 BILLION SEATS YOUR FAMILY THAT LOVES YOU SO MUCH HAS SAVED A SEAT JUST FOR YOU!! WELCOME TO THE PARTY!! YOUR SILLY AUNT SUSIE
ReplyDeleteLove you, Silly Aunt Susie!!
ReplyDeleteJust wondering Cassondra? Why do you refer to your therapist as the rug doctor?
DeleteJust wondering Cassondra? Why do you refer to your therapist as the rug doctor?
DeleteI was trying to think of a blog name for her and she has a rug in her office that gets off center and bunches up. It bugs me, so I made her fix it. So now when it gets off center she fixes before my next visit. Thus, her blog name was born. I blogged about it once, but can't remember which one.
ReplyDelete