It's the time of year I have a tendency to get a little "dark," which is actually different from my normal darkness in the Spring and Summer months. I start thinking about all the stuffs and it gives me a little bit of anxiety. It really doesn't take much to bring it on, either. I'll share an example of how easily it is to push my mind into hyper-drive.
Last Thursday, I was at work and I could hear Camo Boy talking to a customer. They were discussing earthquakes and how if we got one in our area, what would happen. Then the conversation moved into what would happen if Yellowstone blew up. "I yelled over the wall, "no more earthquake talk!" I can't deal with that, because I don't want to die in that building. I'm on the third floor (out of five floors, plus a basement), let's be honest, if there is a mega-quake like some are predicting, I'm going to be the Oreo filling in a building sammich. You know what I mean? Guts coming out of my nose and I'm buried under my desk. Camo Boy assured me that if there was an earthquake and that we didn't die, he knew where to get a boat and that I should just stick with him and I'd be okay. Well, whew! I totally feel better now. <-- sarcasm, FYI
Next thing I know, a crowd assembled and a conversation was had about who would be affected by Yellowstone, if it blows. Turns out, it's EVERYONE. I Googled it for verification purposes. All of us are GOING DOWN. We will slowly die when all the ash takes over the globe and blocks the sun and makes it so we can't breathe, our water supply is polluted, the plants and animals all die and then we die of starvation because there is not enough Twinkies and Red Bull left in the world to sustain us all. And, what are vegans going to eat when all plant life is dead? I guarantee you one of those vegans is eventually going to look at their partner, just like in the cartoons, and see them looking like a hotdog and eat the hell out of them. It's bound to happen.
I was reminded that all of the people with the guns will totally get to shoot it out and get the last of the Twinkies. Well, you'd better believe that's true, so they will live a little longer than the average person. I guess that means Shark Bait is all set, so we'll be able to sustain life for a while and I'll totally finally get that skinny bod I've always wanted. In the meantime, I have the fat reserves, so I'll just be walking around stepping over dead Barbie bodies. The good part is, I'll get whatever I want at the Black Friday sales after Thanksgiving and no lines.
I was sure to add to the conversation that, from a long-term perspective, you know who is going to survive all this, right? All those Doomsday Preppers. They are gonna be fine because they can live for the next several years like Brendan Fraser in that movie Blast From The Past where he lives in a fallout shelter for most of his life. Preppers will be walking around like, "who's crazy now, bitches?!" The consensus from the group discussion is that we'd have to ride it out for at least two years. Once it's safe to come out and the ash clears, the Preppers can slowly re-populate the earth. I likely won't be around to see it, which I'm okay with, because I'm not popping out any kids, unless Jesus comes back and is like, "Sorry about Yellowstone, we're going back to biblical times and I'ma need you to pop out some kids, I'll even let you live to like 2-300 years old!" If Jesus does ask, I mean, I'll have to comply, but he's going to have to give me my uterus back, which could be awkward, but hey, he's Jesus, if he can't do it, who can? Jesus also needs to create the horse again and give me a new pony. Look, if I'm going to be populating and stuff, like a gumball machine after someone puts a quarter in, I think it's okay if I have a list of demands. (#jkjesus #keeptheuterus #dontneeditback #sorryaboutgumballreference )
As if the conversation wasn't absurd enough at this point, it continued and took an unexpected turn when Vaseline-Loving Barbie asked how long ago we had even discovered the moon and then suggested we could go to the moon and live and drill for minerals. This train of thought then created a whole new set of problems. First of all, kind of hard to sustain mankind on the moon where there really isn't anything growing, I mean, how would being on the moon help us? This conversation then lead to that movie called The Martian starring Matt Damon who lived off of potatoes grown from his own shit when he was left for dead on Mars. I don't know if we are ready for that kind of living, nor do we have the training. I have concerns. I said, "well, what if we are trying to get to the moon and the ship can't make it, or malfunctions and then we just end up floating around space like Sandra Bullock in that one movie?" (Because, correct me if I'm wrong, movies teach us most of life's lessons.)
I continued, "Then what? We just float around until we finally starve to death? We live in a suit with our own feces and piss?" Bronco Billy chimes in and says that when you are in space, because of the gravity situation, you don't know when you have to go to the bathroom. So, you don't know you're shitting yourself, but at some point you feel something squishy in your suit? Or, maybe all the feces travels around in your suit because it's space shit and space shit does what it wants? I don't know, but it seems like a hell of a way to go just floating around with your arms sticking out just waiting for a meteor or an alien to come take you out. And, what do we really know about aliens, aside from the ones that burst out of Sigourney Weaver's guts? The testing they would do on humans might be awful, even torture. So, die in your excrement or be an alien pin cushion? Either way, not glamorous.
After that, we discussed how most of us probably won't live to see one of these catastrophic events, anyway. The primary reason being the medical field is trying to kill us with drugs that allegedly help us. Like, Omeprazole (Prilosec, for heart burn). Turns out this stuff is just going to eat our bones, give us heart problems and pretty much kill us. On the upside, no evidence of explosive diarrhea in the warnings as a side-effect. I have to take 80 mgs of Omeprazole per day, so I guess I'll get to that finish line before everyone else. Also, blood pressure medicine, another silent killer. Bronco Billy has Googled the side-effects and is pretty positive anyone taking those meds are walking time bombs. Never mind he drinks two to three energy drinks a day, plus his iced coffee. Hardly makes him a freaking naturopathic genius, but he's read things, so how do you battle that?
So, I'm not saying that my day to day anxiety is driven by what Yellowstone does, but I'm not saying it isn't, either. It just takes that one event to get the ball rolling and then next thing you know, you're living under ground or floating around in space with high blood pressure, heart burn and shitty pants.
In the meantime, while we try and outlive natural, as well as unnatural disaster, we've got whales with blowholes full of straws, turtles wrapped up in those plastic six-pack pop holder things, we've got garbage and bacteria growing in the ocean, the whales are dying, the salmon aren't coming back as strong, we are cutting down all the trees for houses for people that keep over-populating the earth, we pollute the atmosphere and the ozone layer with smog and cow's methane farts, we are killing each other, homeless people are making their homes wherever they want and are shitting in the street, we are setting up meth stations for people to "safely" take drugs, we are one of the biggest political shit shows right now in the world and I don't know when the McRib will be back at McDonalds. Rumor has it, there is legislation being put together to take away drive-thru's for fast food places because that's how we are going to fight obesity. Don't take any real responsibility for the food we produce and the chemicals and preservatives in it, we'll just make fat people park their cars and walk into Burger King. That should fix the problem. Also, is global warming a thing or not a thing?
It's crazy times. I didn't even bring up about diseases like cancer and whatever it is that killer mosquitoes give us. Not to mention texting or being intoxicated while driving trying to maneuver through the asshats of America out there on the road. And poor smokers, now smokers can't even safely quit smoking and transition to vaping without the chance of being sold toxic vaping flavors. Oh and that bitch, Alexa, monitoring our every move. And what about the Kardashians, David Hasselhoff, Lori Loughlin and Richard Simmons, are they even okay? What's going to become of them? What has become of us as a society? Do I glue extra eyelashes to my eyebrows and then grow out my armpit hair and dye it rainbow colors? Do I glue my upper lip up under my nose so I look pouty and irresistible? Do I buy a pair of socks with my husbands face on it simply because I can? Facebook and Instagram suggest a life that I don't know if I can keep up with!
So, yeah, I worry too much. Why, just last night I spent quite a bit of time wondering about the song Jimmy Cracked Corn and how that came to be, what it all meant, and whatever happened to Jimmy or that cracked corn? I have to work these things out, you know?
And finally, in conclusion, I'm worried about one more thing. Why is it, I have four of these solar toys in the window, and only the Hula girl stopped moving. She's like, "Bitch please, I am from Hawaii and this Washington rain is bullshit! I'm already depressed and it's only freaking October." I know she's just a solar toy, but she gets it. She really seems to have a grasp for what's going on and she's coping. She took a stance. She's like, I'm not shaking this booty for any of you losers, I'm going to mentally transport my ass back to Hawaii.
I need that kind of clarity in my life. It seems I may have just learned more from Hula girl saying nothing, than I did from Thursday's conversations about destruction, death and gravity.
And that's how overhearing a conversation about earthquakes get's me going.
Disclaimer: Please take this blog in the manner in which it was intended, humor. I'm okay, you're okay, please don't call my mom or message Shark Bait to see if I need "help."
Last Thursday, I was at work and I could hear Camo Boy talking to a customer. They were discussing earthquakes and how if we got one in our area, what would happen. Then the conversation moved into what would happen if Yellowstone blew up. "I yelled over the wall, "no more earthquake talk!" I can't deal with that, because I don't want to die in that building. I'm on the third floor (out of five floors, plus a basement), let's be honest, if there is a mega-quake like some are predicting, I'm going to be the Oreo filling in a building sammich. You know what I mean? Guts coming out of my nose and I'm buried under my desk. Camo Boy assured me that if there was an earthquake and that we didn't die, he knew where to get a boat and that I should just stick with him and I'd be okay. Well, whew! I totally feel better now. <-- sarcasm, FYI
Next thing I know, a crowd assembled and a conversation was had about who would be affected by Yellowstone, if it blows. Turns out, it's EVERYONE. I Googled it for verification purposes. All of us are GOING DOWN. We will slowly die when all the ash takes over the globe and blocks the sun and makes it so we can't breathe, our water supply is polluted, the plants and animals all die and then we die of starvation because there is not enough Twinkies and Red Bull left in the world to sustain us all. And, what are vegans going to eat when all plant life is dead? I guarantee you one of those vegans is eventually going to look at their partner, just like in the cartoons, and see them looking like a hotdog and eat the hell out of them. It's bound to happen.
I was reminded that all of the people with the guns will totally get to shoot it out and get the last of the Twinkies. Well, you'd better believe that's true, so they will live a little longer than the average person. I guess that means Shark Bait is all set, so we'll be able to sustain life for a while and I'll totally finally get that skinny bod I've always wanted. In the meantime, I have the fat reserves, so I'll just be walking around stepping over dead Barbie bodies. The good part is, I'll get whatever I want at the Black Friday sales after Thanksgiving and no lines.
I was sure to add to the conversation that, from a long-term perspective, you know who is going to survive all this, right? All those Doomsday Preppers. They are gonna be fine because they can live for the next several years like Brendan Fraser in that movie Blast From The Past where he lives in a fallout shelter for most of his life. Preppers will be walking around like, "who's crazy now, bitches?!" The consensus from the group discussion is that we'd have to ride it out for at least two years. Once it's safe to come out and the ash clears, the Preppers can slowly re-populate the earth. I likely won't be around to see it, which I'm okay with, because I'm not popping out any kids, unless Jesus comes back and is like, "Sorry about Yellowstone, we're going back to biblical times and I'ma need you to pop out some kids, I'll even let you live to like 2-300 years old!" If Jesus does ask, I mean, I'll have to comply, but he's going to have to give me my uterus back, which could be awkward, but hey, he's Jesus, if he can't do it, who can? Jesus also needs to create the horse again and give me a new pony. Look, if I'm going to be populating and stuff, like a gumball machine after someone puts a quarter in, I think it's okay if I have a list of demands. (#jkjesus #keeptheuterus #dontneeditback #sorryaboutgumballreference )
As if the conversation wasn't absurd enough at this point, it continued and took an unexpected turn when Vaseline-Loving Barbie asked how long ago we had even discovered the moon and then suggested we could go to the moon and live and drill for minerals. This train of thought then created a whole new set of problems. First of all, kind of hard to sustain mankind on the moon where there really isn't anything growing, I mean, how would being on the moon help us? This conversation then lead to that movie called The Martian starring Matt Damon who lived off of potatoes grown from his own shit when he was left for dead on Mars. I don't know if we are ready for that kind of living, nor do we have the training. I have concerns. I said, "well, what if we are trying to get to the moon and the ship can't make it, or malfunctions and then we just end up floating around space like Sandra Bullock in that one movie?" (Because, correct me if I'm wrong, movies teach us most of life's lessons.)
I continued, "Then what? We just float around until we finally starve to death? We live in a suit with our own feces and piss?" Bronco Billy chimes in and says that when you are in space, because of the gravity situation, you don't know when you have to go to the bathroom. So, you don't know you're shitting yourself, but at some point you feel something squishy in your suit? Or, maybe all the feces travels around in your suit because it's space shit and space shit does what it wants? I don't know, but it seems like a hell of a way to go just floating around with your arms sticking out just waiting for a meteor or an alien to come take you out. And, what do we really know about aliens, aside from the ones that burst out of Sigourney Weaver's guts? The testing they would do on humans might be awful, even torture. So, die in your excrement or be an alien pin cushion? Either way, not glamorous.
After that, we discussed how most of us probably won't live to see one of these catastrophic events, anyway. The primary reason being the medical field is trying to kill us with drugs that allegedly help us. Like, Omeprazole (Prilosec, for heart burn). Turns out this stuff is just going to eat our bones, give us heart problems and pretty much kill us. On the upside, no evidence of explosive diarrhea in the warnings as a side-effect. I have to take 80 mgs of Omeprazole per day, so I guess I'll get to that finish line before everyone else. Also, blood pressure medicine, another silent killer. Bronco Billy has Googled the side-effects and is pretty positive anyone taking those meds are walking time bombs. Never mind he drinks two to three energy drinks a day, plus his iced coffee. Hardly makes him a freaking naturopathic genius, but he's read things, so how do you battle that?
So, I'm not saying that my day to day anxiety is driven by what Yellowstone does, but I'm not saying it isn't, either. It just takes that one event to get the ball rolling and then next thing you know, you're living under ground or floating around in space with high blood pressure, heart burn and shitty pants.
In the meantime, while we try and outlive natural, as well as unnatural disaster, we've got whales with blowholes full of straws, turtles wrapped up in those plastic six-pack pop holder things, we've got garbage and bacteria growing in the ocean, the whales are dying, the salmon aren't coming back as strong, we are cutting down all the trees for houses for people that keep over-populating the earth, we pollute the atmosphere and the ozone layer with smog and cow's methane farts, we are killing each other, homeless people are making their homes wherever they want and are shitting in the street, we are setting up meth stations for people to "safely" take drugs, we are one of the biggest political shit shows right now in the world and I don't know when the McRib will be back at McDonalds. Rumor has it, there is legislation being put together to take away drive-thru's for fast food places because that's how we are going to fight obesity. Don't take any real responsibility for the food we produce and the chemicals and preservatives in it, we'll just make fat people park their cars and walk into Burger King. That should fix the problem. Also, is global warming a thing or not a thing?
It's crazy times. I didn't even bring up about diseases like cancer and whatever it is that killer mosquitoes give us. Not to mention texting or being intoxicated while driving trying to maneuver through the asshats of America out there on the road. And poor smokers, now smokers can't even safely quit smoking and transition to vaping without the chance of being sold toxic vaping flavors. Oh and that bitch, Alexa, monitoring our every move. And what about the Kardashians, David Hasselhoff, Lori Loughlin and Richard Simmons, are they even okay? What's going to become of them? What has become of us as a society? Do I glue extra eyelashes to my eyebrows and then grow out my armpit hair and dye it rainbow colors? Do I glue my upper lip up under my nose so I look pouty and irresistible? Do I buy a pair of socks with my husbands face on it simply because I can? Facebook and Instagram suggest a life that I don't know if I can keep up with!
So, yeah, I worry too much. Why, just last night I spent quite a bit of time wondering about the song Jimmy Cracked Corn and how that came to be, what it all meant, and whatever happened to Jimmy or that cracked corn? I have to work these things out, you know?
And finally, in conclusion, I'm worried about one more thing. Why is it, I have four of these solar toys in the window, and only the Hula girl stopped moving. She's like, "Bitch please, I am from Hawaii and this Washington rain is bullshit! I'm already depressed and it's only freaking October." I know she's just a solar toy, but she gets it. She really seems to have a grasp for what's going on and she's coping. She took a stance. She's like, I'm not shaking this booty for any of you losers, I'm going to mentally transport my ass back to Hawaii.
I need that kind of clarity in my life. It seems I may have just learned more from Hula girl saying nothing, than I did from Thursday's conversations about destruction, death and gravity.
And that's how overhearing a conversation about earthquakes get's me going.
Disclaimer: Please take this blog in the manner in which it was intended, humor. I'm okay, you're okay, please don't call my mom or message Shark Bait to see if I need "help."
