Safety Committee. You got the wrong girl.

Each day at the 'ol factory brings me more joy.  Today I learned there was a safety committee meeting, oh and guess, what? I'm on it.  Funny, I don't recall volunteering for this.  All of us that found ourselves in the same situation gathered in the elevator on the way to the meeting and agreed, no one asks questions. We're in, we're out, we don't have time for this. First one to break the pact gets a broken arm.  All in favor? Motion passed.

My favorite part of the meeting was the first part where they read off a statement that says something to the effect "Everyone has voluntarily agreed to the commitment of being on the safety committee and is acknowledging they are agreeing to do this.  If anyone is not able to fulfill this, speak now.  Well, I'm honest, I raised my hand.  My boss was sitting across the room from me. He looked at me, unamused by my gesture.  I put my hand back down.  Looks like I'm on the committee.  I guess I know who volunteered me.

We start to discuss our responsibilities.  Apparently I am some sort of Evacuation Warden, or something like that.  Basically, I, along with other key committee members are responsible for everyone getting out of the building if there is actually an emergency.  Like, I am supposed to stay behind until the building is clear.  Whoa.  I love some of my co-workers, but it is every man for themselves, I'm not dying for you.  I'm no hero. If things go bad, I'm bigger and meaner and chances are, I will knock you down and use you as a bridge to get out.  And, I'm not wearing that damn orange vest and hard hat.  I don't have time, I gotta get my keys and run like hell.

Then we start talking about all the different kinds of disasters that could happen; fire, flood, earthquake, tornado, hurricane, gas leaks, chemical hazards, etc. The packet mentions how we need to identify where the fire is coming from and what kind of fire it is.  This is what the little fire alarm pully thing is for and then the hot guys in the rubber boots and suspenders show up.  They are the experts.  I don't ask the firemen to do my expense reports, and they don't ask me to drive their firetruck. You know what I mean?  The material also covers identifying gases.  Look, I'm no chemist, but if everyone around me starts dropping dead mysteriously, I'll throw a chair through the window to get some fresh air...unless that turns out to be a bad idea because the the air and gas mix and causes an explosion.  If that happens, I'm going to be in trouble because, after all, I'm the Evacuation Warden and I need to make sure people get out safe in just this type of emergency.  If I'm dead, I can't do that.  We are also supposed to stay away from the windows in certain scenarios.  I work in a freaking glass building.  Where am I supposed to go? The bathroom?  Hell no. The bathroom is a hazard of it's own on any normal day, I'm not dying in there or waiting for someone to find me. No. Way.  How I feel about that bathroom could be it's own blog, but I digress.

We also covered the part about suspicious packages.  I don't care if it is a bag of dog crap someone set on fire at the front door, I'm out of there.  We don't know what that dog ate, let's not underestimate the power of feces.  Again, color my ass GONE.  And ticking packages?  Are you kidding me.  If the gals in the mail room deliver me a package that is ticking, then they damn well better take responsibility.  I'm not sticking around. Evacuate!   If someone calls to do a bomb threat, we are supposed to ask the person a series of questions, like, "where is the bomb? when will it go off? what is your name? what is your address? what does the bomb look like?"  No.  When my obit is written after I get my dumb ass blown up it will probably say, "If only she had evacuated with everyone else..."  And then people will say, "That girl was stupid, why didn't she run?"  Well, I'm not that stupid.  Some might say that is selfish, but hey, I'm more than willing to scream like a mad woman as I leave so that everyone knows this place is about to blow.

Now, for those catastrophes that happen outside that create a need for us to stay in the building we have "Shelter in Place."  I don't know if I have been clear, but I don't want to die in that building.  So, if it is like a toxic gas that will maybe just cause one lung to collapse and maybe my skin burns a little, I'm outty.

The meeting concluded with a mini tour of our basement.  I've never been down there, but heard rumors that sometimes people go down there to have sex.  Well, unsolved mystery - solved. NO ONE is having sex in that basement.  It's so dirty down there the rats don't even do it there.  There was rat crap everywhere.  I could smell the urine and I knew we were not alone...beady eyes were lurking.  I think I have Rat Fever now. My nose has been twitching and I have had a strange urge to scurry along the walls all afternoon.  It was horrifying down there.

Let me tell you the situations I WOULD be willing to sacrifice myself for the sake of all others.  If, say, I am sitting at my desk and some hot guy pretending to be a  window washer rappels down at my window wearing tight jeans and no shirt...and also happens to be carrying a firearm, I would totally be willing to pull him in and interrogate him until I got to the bottom of his issues.  I don't know what I could do for my company that would be more important than that.

So, for anyone that I work with that reads this, I don't want you to think I don't care about your safety, because I do, I just care about my own more.

Now, if they let me work the mega phone, I'm totally in.  I'll even wear the vest.