I can't sleep...

For the third night in a row, I can't sleep.  No clue why, other than the man-cold I have. Shark Bait said he couldn't sleep either, but that only lasted like 90 seconds.  I was like, hey, he can't sleep, I can't sleep, we should totally get busy.  And then I was like, we both have man-colds, we can't do that, that's gross.  Geriatric sex is one thing, but common-cold geriatric sex, that's not a thing.

Anyway, so then I started thinking about boring stuff so I could maybe fall asleep.  It went something like this:

What am I going to wear tomorrow? I don't know.  Jeans? Meh, I don't really have a pair I like right now. I should look for a pair online...no, you're poor, stop it. What about a dress? Okay, but which one?  I just wore black today, 90% of my wardrobe is black right now, but the blue one hugs my back fat. What shoes would I wear?  Or would I wear  boots? Tough questions.  This isn't helping.  By the way, I think I need a different shampoo.  The shampoo I got at Costco doesn't seem to be making my hair shiny like the bottle says.  Buncha bullshit is what that is.  If you say it has Moroccan oil in it, it really should shine that mop up, you know?  I wonder if I should take it back? I've been looking at myself lately, I am looking old.   I need a make-over.  Am I a narcissist? I probably take too many selfies. Do fat narcissists exist? Probably. That's it, I'm never taking a selfie again.  Who wants to see my mug all the time? No one.  I still can't sleep. I should read a book.  What kind of book? I don't know, maybe I need to read a romance novel.  I haven't read one of those in forever.  Maybe I need some escape in my life, you know, like one of those king and queen medieval times ones where the men come and are all large and in charge and the innocent maiden is all bound up in a corset.  You know what is gross about that? They have all this sex in those books and the people literally had chamber pots back then.  Gross. Her kitty must have smelled awful.  Like, they bathed once a month or something. It isn't like they used condoms.  So primitive. How come I never thought of that before when I used to read those stories?  What the hell is a matter with me?  I've been jaded by life.  My sense of romance is apparently GONE.  Or is it? I mean, maybe...Shark Bait and I are kind of like, "are we ever gonna do it again?" and the other answers, "yeah..." This is depressing, I need a new train of thought...

Let's think about something else. I'm going to get a new pony.  When? I don't know, but when I do, it's going to be magical, and I'm going to live on a farm and have a cute house and an arena and a cute barn and I'm probably going to win the lottery.  Who are you kidding, you aren't winning the lottery. What if you really do have to live in a cardboard box or you're homeless?  Or, what if you have to live in an old people's home and you are all alone because Shark Bait already kicked it and then there you are, all alone and you can't really speak and some mean nurse comes in, her name is Jean and she is mean to you and burns cigarettes in your arm or spanks you whenever you wet the bed. Jean's all upset because this is the life she has carved out for her and her daughter never calls and her husband is a cheating son-of-a-bitch that gambles all their money away.  Jean didn't ask for this life and now she has a bout of diverticulitis and she really has nothing to be happy about.  And, then, there I am, just laying there waiting to die.  Okay, okay, calm down, we are just trying to go to sleep here, not start crying.  Think about something else...

Why am I still awake?  We had a reasonable dinner.  Chicken breast with some salad with veggies in it. That is a pretty healthy choice.  I should eat like that every day.  I should write all my food stuff down or put it in my MyFitnessPal app. Why don't I do that?  Because I'm a lazy loser.  Hey, none of that negative talk.  Why are the neighbors dogs barking? Probably some creep in the hood.  I hope they don't come and break in and kill Shark Bait and I in our sleep...if I could go to sleep.  I wonder if that gluten-free, dairy free brownie thing I made is making me stay awake.  It had pure maple syrup instead of sugar in it.  I wonder if maple syrup is like an anti-sleep serum and I'm never going to be able to sleep.  I could take some Xanax, but then I can't get up in the morning.  Now what?  I could go out and blog...or look on Facebook.  No, don't look at FB, you'll get sucked in.  Next thing you know you're posting all these  stupid meme's and ordering some new version of Spanx and some new fangled vitamins that help you lose weight and help your memory.  I could look on Pinterest for bullet journaling ideas...no that's dumb.  I could Google some stuff that I can't at work...but what?  I can't think of anything right now.  Speaking of work, I totally need to finish those expense reports tomorrow.  I don't want to go to work tomorrow.  What am I going to wear tomorrow?  Is it going to be cold again?  The problem is, if it is cold outside, it will be hot inside and then I'll sweat like a whore in church on Sunday.  And what shoes will I wear?  I need more brown shoes.  Like a pair of shorty brown boots.  I should look for some online...

Maybe I'll go blog about all my thoughts and that will make me tired...? I kinda want another piece of brownie. No. I could get a drink of water. Then, sure enough, when I do get to sleep, I'll have to pee.  Just keep working those mouth sweaters you have going on right now and buck up.

I'm still not tired. I'll just look at FB for a few minutes.  Wow, my blogging is at the all time low of lows.  Good Lord.  I need a blog intervention.  When did I start sucking this bad?

Does anyone know of any good romance novel titles?

2018 Finding the Calm

It occurs to me that I have not done a 'year in review' retrospective blog for 2018.  I usually do one every year.  I had a blog brewing in my head a couple of weeks ago, but I can't say for sure where all those thoughts went.  I just went and read 2017's year in review blog about it being my mid-life crisis year.  I can't say that 2018 was as tumultuous as 2017, but I think it had some decent high-lights.

For the most part, 2018 revolved around my baby-making parts rising up in an epic battle against the rest of my body.  I went through a process of trying to treat the problem and then finally deciding the baby-making parts had to go.  This process was all-consuming for a huge portion of my year.  I won't re-live any details about it as I have a few blogs that detail all the drama. I know, lucky you. Going through all of that did mean my life was in a holding pattern much of the time and I don't really do well in that situation.  I am the type of person that needs to always be seeking to move forward. I suspect because I'm always trying to lose weight, I am always looking for progress in some way.  It's exhausting, honestly.

With most of 2018 being uneventful, I think where I find myself now is the real story.  In spite of the stagnant path of the past year, I have come to a place that is more peaceful than before.

As you know, my weight battle has always, always, always and did I mention, always at the forefront of my mind.  I think after healing from my hysterectomy I really wanted to get into the swing of things and get back to the gym and really intensify the focus.  The reality is, I returned to work just in time for summer to fade away and Fall to come into full swing, immediately followed by the holidays.  I found myself beating myself up and trying to come up with a plan when I finally just stopped and said, "enough."  What if...what if I just I accept who I am RIGHT NOW and live each of these days as best as I can and not be miserable every time I look in the mirror? No one else is beating me up, except me.  I mean, I'm sure there are still some judgy people out there, but I don't base my worth on their opinions. Because, fuck them and their glass houses.

And so, I canceled my gym membership that was holding a ransom on my inner guilt.  I would sign-up again when my body was ready.  Right now, my knees are not ready.  I also went out and purchased some clothes that fit me right now instead of torturing myself in the ones that would fit better if I lost 10-20 pounds.  I bought some things I might not normally wear because I shouldn't dress like that.  Fuck that. I looked in the mirror and did not love what I saw, but I accepted it for now.  Not forever...for now.

I had been growing my hair out most of the year as well.  Why?  I don't know, partly to hide the face  that has become so fat again, partly trying to recapture the past maybe.  Well, I put an end to that, too.  I went back to a shorter style that makes more sense. Crappy looking hair doesn't hide anything, just advertises it like a billboard.  Anyway, let go of some unhealthy thoughts and cut that dead stuff off.

So, I guess what I'm saying is, I get my body still looks like a Stay Puff Marshmallow man, and I'm not saying I'm in love with it.  I'm not.  But today I accept it for what it is and know that I will do the best I can to make it better.  I don't have an epic plan to change it, but I will change it.  It might not happen the way it does for everyone else, but I'll figure out something.

Being in this calmer place scares me because I always feel like if I am not agonizing over a plan or what I'm going to do or setting a goal, that nothing is going to happen.  Like, things will never get better if I stop being vigilant about worrying or being engaged.  What if I become a "tomorrow" person.  Nothing will ever get better right?  Is being a tomorrow person bad?  Is it better? I don't know that any of us  can answer that, other than I have survived all the past tomorrows that have become the today's.



Tomorrow
Tomorrow is going to be the best day.
Tomorrow is when everything is going to be okay
Tomorrow is when all our dreams come true.
Tomorrow is when you'll become a better you.
Tomorrow you'll get a better job, a better car, a better place to live.
Tomorrow is when your partner will give you all they have to give.

Tomorrow is when you'll get rid of those that suck the life from your soul.
Tomorrow is when you will find the one that makes you feel whole.
Tomorrow you'll have a new plan, you'll make a fresh start, you'll make your dreams come true. Tomorrow is the day you will finally say, "I love you."
However...
Tomorrow is not promised, it may not come.
Tomorrow you may not wake up, your life may be done.
Tomorrow it may not be you, but that someone you love is no longer there.
Tomorrow is the day you had planned to visit them and show that you care.
Tomorrow is always one day away, that day you believe the best is yet to be lived.
Tomorrow may be the day you regret all the things you never did.
So, what if...
Maybe we live in today, be present and enjoy what we've been gifted.
Maybe we live today and allow all the pressure of tomorrow to be lifted.
Maybe we decide today is the day to make a change for the good of  "what's best for me."
Maybe we decide that today we are good enough and that where we are is exactly where we are meant to be.  ~Cassondra Zuver

So, for 2019, here I am.  Me and my pony. Taking one day at a time and more time to enjoy the day.

Things we can look forward to Angry Pony discussing in 2019:

• Why do people always use the door that says: Please Use Other Door?
• Why does auto-correct change words that I type that are actual words to other words?
• De-cluttering my life (which also includes Shark Bait's life)
• Why are doctor's afraid of my Google MD degree?
• A bunch of other stuff....I'll try and blog more funny stuffs, I've been remiss in my duties.