It's been a while since I have blogged. The downtime has been a time of learning, healing and accepting.
Through the Ambassador program with Jezebel Vonzepher Photograpy, I have done a lot of soul work and here is one of my homework assignments that I am sharing with you in hopes that it brings you inspiration if you are struggling yourself. I may do some more blogging, but for today, this is my share,.
October 7, 2023
Soul Work #12
I came into this world a 10lb baby girl delivered to parents
that were lost and struggling with adulting and their relationship. The life for baby Cassondra would not be an
easy one.
As I grew up, I was always “off the charts” the doctors
would say. I didn’t really understand
that I was bigger than most kids until I entered school, and the kids were
cruel. Looking back, I don’t think I Iooked
that big, but the taunts were relentless. I would come home crying and I knew
it broke my parents’ hearts. My Dad
would say, “Babycakes, you’re going to have to get thicker skin. I can’t go to school and beat up all those
kids because they are mean. I would stop
them if I could.” I was 5 years old.
And so began the relationship of hate for my body. I didn’t understand why my body was bad, just that
being bigger/fatter was the worst thing I could be. It meant I was ugly. It meant I was not as smart. It meant I couldn’t wear cute clothes; I couldn’t eat without ridicule, and I was sometimes too big for your desk at school. I weighed 180lbs by 4th
grade.
But at home I had my horses (I grew up on a farm) and I’m a
Gen Xer so I was basically raised feral. I was outside all day in the summer
and on weekends during the school year. Whatever I wanted to do, I did it. Mom was busy, so I found a way to catch my
horse, get the saddle on and ride. My
body was strong and capable despite being overweight.
By the time I got to 6th grade, the kids taunts
were crueler than ever. I found the best way to exist was to make fun of myself
and make people laugh before they could make fun of me, or joined in as they made fun of me. Defense mechanism created. You can’t hurt me if I hurt
myself first. If I don’t love myself, it won’t matter.
My mom would take me to the doctor to see what we could do
about my weight. She was trying to help;
she wasn’t doing it in a mean way. She
just wanted me to be healthy and happy. I did so many diets and nothing really
worked. We had no idea about nutrition,
and we were a farm family that struggled, so I ate the things that were cheaper
and not the healthiest. I forgive my
parents and myself for this. We did not know any different.
Meanwhile, my home life was not good as I grew up. My Dad was an alcoholic and had a very nasty
temper. He would destroy our house in a rage and get rough with my brother and me.
I had no safe space. Not at home, not at school. I was living in a constant
state of anxiety and my coping mechanism was to try and fix everything so my dad
wouldn’t get mad. I would anticipate his mood, watch him closely and act
accordingly. My life as a people pleasing empath began.
Ironically, through all of this, my parents always told me I
could do anything I wanted, that weight didn’t define me. I rode horses, learned how to train them,
showed them, etc. I was in band and
learned to play the flute and several other instruments and was really good at
it. I got decent grades. I was determined to live the life my dad never could
because my mom got pregnant with me, and he had to abandon his hopes of going
to college. I fell in line and tried to
make him proud.
So, did I have some self-worth about my abilities? Yes. I was overweight, but I was strong, and I
worked hard. But did I feel beautiful
and valued by society? No. The boys in
school never liked me. One even told me
if I lost weight I’d be really pretty. My
goal was ALWAYS to lose weight, to try and dress to hide my weight and fit
in. If I lost weight, then I would be
attractive, loveable, good enough.
In high school, I would not eat breakfast, I’d drink a Slim
Fast shake and eat an apple for lunch while hiding in the library during lunch
time. I didn’t want anyone to see me eat
anything. The shame I had about who I was eating me alive.
I cleaned stalls at a stable every Sunday (there were 54
stalls that myself and one other person cleaned) and then cleaned the 12
stalls we had at home on the other days and helped care for the 35 horses we
had. The lowest weight I ever was while
living that way was 225 lbs and a size 18.
Not good enough.
I was depressed, lonely, sad, angry and I would lash out at
others. I disliked most of the people at school. Again, self-preservation. I
had to protect myself at all costs.
In my mind I was doing what had to be done to survive.
I never had a boyfriend in school, never was kissed or went
to dances or did things that “normal” girls did. I went to college and did not attempt to make
many friends and I isolated myself because I was so certain no one would accept me as
is. I would walk a mile every morning
before school and then drive to school and had to walk the campus. I was
exercising, but it was still not enough, I weighed 250 by graduation.
After college I lived at home and was basically scared of
the world. I felt like I wasn’t capable,
that people would not accept me, and I was so lonely. I just wanted a guy to like me. My worth, my ability and my heart were
completely locked up.
I spent my 20’s in angst but made friends at the job I
eventually got. I started seeing a
therapist and eventually met my husband.
I thought finding my soul mate would make me feel enough. It did not. The hole in my soul still remained
even though I was loved for who I was by a man, I still did not love myself.
Fast forward to today. Today as I write this, I see that
little girl. She was so strong
and capable. She took on the world without realizing she was
functioning as an adult far before she was ready. How did she do it? I
owe her gratitude and thanks. She took me through hell, and she never
stopped fighting. She didn’t get to be a kid or feel unconditionally loved
and safe. She deserves a hug and a
fucking medal of honor.
That girl did not succumb to alcoholism, like the textbooks
said she would. That girl did not
marry an abusive man, quite the opposite.
So, while she was adulting as a kid, she was already setting the
groundwork to protect herself in the future. She was so smart. I’m lucky to have had her running the show.
I was enough then, regardless of what everyone
thought of me. I was a big girl, but I
was toned and strong and I was a fighter. I deserved this self-love at 180lbs,
225lbs, 250lbs and even today at 320lbs.
I see that now. I wish I could have that 225lb body back now! I wish I
had those knees that made it possible to do all those things I did daily and achieve goals I set for myself. But, what I can
do is take care of them and my body today because it is worthy of love and
care.
That girl was a badass and now this woman is unstoppable.
She deserves nothing but the best in life, regardless of the skin she’s in.
After going through this JVZ Journey, I find myself realizing
the thing that I have robbed myself of all these years is self-love. The
stories I believed all those years ago about needing to lose weight to
experience love and happiness are such bullshit. I am thankful I have found this new ground to
stand on and I can look at myself in pictures and in the mirror with love
now. Maybe not every day, but more days
I love her than not.
Now I find myself in a new phase. Now I know my worth, my value and my power. I want to stand in all of that and I don’t
want to settle for anything less. I know
I deserve more. The way people have
learned to love me is going to have to change. As Julia Robert’s character,
Vivian, said in Pretty Woman, “Now everything is different, and you changed that,
and you can’t change back. I need more.”
That’s where I am now and its unfamiliar territory. Some
days I will be tempted to fall back into depression and sadness but on every
other day, I will show up, straighten my crown and move forward knowing I am
enough.
And I will do all of those things wearing all the clothes,
some of the clothes or none of the clothes because fuck body standards. This is my platform and I’m telling all the
people out there; you are good enough and worthy enough as is…because you
exist.
