I can't sleep tonight. I'm restless. Perhaps I am subconsciously stressing about my upcoming adventure. You see, as of Friday at 5pm, I will be entering the Admin Protection Program. That's right, Saturday morning I am leaving for 10 days and going with my friend to visit her family in Colorado. During this time, the amounts of fucks given about work will be zero. I shall not think of the Glass Palace, not even once. I'm excited, but also nervous about the trip.
First things first, let's just get this out of the way, just because I am going to be gone for 10 days does not mean any of you home-wrecking tramps get to come over to my house and love on my dog or my man. Yeah, you heard me right, Shark Bait is mine and he will not be entertaining wild women. As a matter of fact, he also gets to babysit my sister's cat while she is also out of town. That is the only pussy he gets. Vulgar, I know, but it was right there, I couldn't just let that go. Sorry, not sorry.
Secondly, it should be mentioned that I am not that big of an adventurer. Like, in the 13, going on 14 years that Shark Bait and I have known each other, we've never been apart for more than an occasional couple of nights here or there when it is hunting season. Aside from that, we are glued to each other like construction paper and uncooked elbow macaroni in a first grade art class. We're tight. So, yeah, that's a big deal. Also, I'm kind of scared of travel. Like, I'm a big scaredy-cat.
Last night Shark Bait and I were laying in bed and I said, "Shark Bait, do you know, if I was kidnapped in Colorado and then somehow managed to break free and get my abductors gun and shot him, would that be self-defense or would I go to jail." Shark Bait, not even surprised by my question answers, "Well, there would be an investigation to see what happened, but you shouldn't go to jail. I would think that would qualify for self-defense." I said, "oh, okay, but are you sure? I mean, why does there have to be an investigation if I was kidnapped. You know, like we were reported missing and I'm all bloody and stuff from being smacked around and I probably soiled myself because the bad guy wouldn't let us go to the bathroom and I haven't showered in days and there is tape residue on my wrists...like, you can tell I was in tough shape and I was clearly kidnapped. I won't get in trouble, right?" He says, "You're not going to get kidnapped." I argued, "you don't know!!! I'm fat and out of shape, I could be easily taken over by a couple of creepy guys that want woman suits and it could happen!" Shark Bait is unflappable and says, "That's not going to happen, do you know how small of a percentage of people get kidnapped? VERY SMALL, like it's not going to happen." Clearly, he hasn't been paying attention to what we watch on TV. I also was undeterred by his steadfast beliefs about my safety. I continued, "That's bullshit!! Every NCIS episode and shoot-em-up crime drama you watch has people getting kidnapped! What about Dateline and 20/20??! What about them? What about every movie out there with people being TAKEN??!!! I don't have Bruce Willis or that other angry dude...(Liam?) coming for me because I'm their daughter! Or, what about that movie Seven, where the guy kills people for the seven sins, I'm a sure candidate for the gluttony sin! I'm going to be killed in Colorado! Like, you're never going to see me again once I get on that plane!"
It's like no one even tries to take me seriously anymore. I have legit concerns.
Fast-forward to today. I'm talking to my Mom and I said, "Mom, Shark Bait doesn't think I'll get kidnapped in Colorado, but it could happen." Mom buckles up for the ride, as she has on many occasions and says, "You're not going to get kidnapped in Colorado. If you think for one minute I believe that anyone is going to attempt to kidnap you and Pal-o-mino, you've got to be out of your mind. Not gonna happen." She continues on, indulging me, "who is even going to try to kidnap you girls? I don't think so." I said, "Mom, there is some guy (or guys) out there that want women suits. They just need to get us in their van, store us in their basement and starve us for a short time and our skin will be saggy enough for them to harvest what they need. It's a thing Mom, it could happen. We are getting old, we can't even run." I could envision the look on Mom's face. Her mouth is in that half-smirk thing and she has her head tilted to the side and she's rolling her eyes. This isn't her first rodeo. Mom says, "There is NO WAY that anyone is going to mess with you girls, no way." I don't really like to be shut down so I finished the only way I could. I said, "Whatever, Mom, when I don't come back from Colorado, you'll see."
Finally, I talked to Pal-o-mino about it. She says, "First of all, we can't take our guns with us, so you can't shoot anyone." I retorted, "Duh, I'm going to break free of my ropes or tape or whatever and I'm going to make a grand effort to save us. I'm going to wrestle him down, get his gun and shoot him dead. I'm going to save us. I promise you." Pal-o-mino wasn't buying it, she's like, "yeah, that's not even a thing, that isn't going to happen." Here's the thing...she doesn't know...it could and at least ONE OF US is thinking about it. I don't hear anyone thanking me for being preventative or cautious or proactive or anything like that. No, they just say it isn't going to happen. But...what if it does? Then what?
To be clear, I'm not saying that I want it to happen (unless it's by Channing Tatum). I mean, maybe the terrorists will be on our flight. Probably not, because it is super early and who wants to get up early to die, you know? I mean, I guess I am, but I'm not planning on dying, I'm just saying, what if? Look, I might not be the kind of girl that gets attacked and kidnapped because I'm young and hot, or because I'm a hooker (I mean, I'm not a hooker, but I'm just saying, if I was, but I'm not...trust me), but at the end of the day, I've taken pretty good care of my skin. Shark Bait says my butt is soft as a baby's butt and my facial skin is pretty good. Cellulite has really kept the wrinkles from coming on. My back skin is pretty nice, too. I've never had "backne" or blackheads or anything. Trust me, I've seen some shit on Dr. Pimple Popper and my back skin is fantastic. I would make a pretty good woman suit. Now, my legs, they are pretty much like the extra parts that come with a Thanksgiving turkey, you throw them out or boil them to make gravy.
Or, say the guy doesn't want a woman suit, say he needs to sell me and my friend for human sex-trafficking........................... omg...lmao...never mind. hahahahahaha That would only happen if he was a blind guy. Sigh.
So, I guess what I'm saying is, I'm going for 10 days, I'm a little anxious, but I'm probably going to be fine, according to everyone else. Tonight, as I was laying in bed trying to count sheep or something, Shark Bait reconfirmed, "I don't know what else to say, but you are going to have a great time and you ARE NOT GOING TO GET KIDNAPPED!" I replied, "Look pal, until you have an 800# and a loyal following, I'm not going to believe your psychic bullshit."
And just like that, he had no comeback. A smug win for Angry Pony.
I'm going to try and go back to bed now. I'd like to be kidnapped by dreams...
First things first, let's just get this out of the way, just because I am going to be gone for 10 days does not mean any of you home-wrecking tramps get to come over to my house and love on my dog or my man. Yeah, you heard me right, Shark Bait is mine and he will not be entertaining wild women. As a matter of fact, he also gets to babysit my sister's cat while she is also out of town. That is the only pussy he gets. Vulgar, I know, but it was right there, I couldn't just let that go. Sorry, not sorry.
Secondly, it should be mentioned that I am not that big of an adventurer. Like, in the 13, going on 14 years that Shark Bait and I have known each other, we've never been apart for more than an occasional couple of nights here or there when it is hunting season. Aside from that, we are glued to each other like construction paper and uncooked elbow macaroni in a first grade art class. We're tight. So, yeah, that's a big deal. Also, I'm kind of scared of travel. Like, I'm a big scaredy-cat.
Last night Shark Bait and I were laying in bed and I said, "Shark Bait, do you know, if I was kidnapped in Colorado and then somehow managed to break free and get my abductors gun and shot him, would that be self-defense or would I go to jail." Shark Bait, not even surprised by my question answers, "Well, there would be an investigation to see what happened, but you shouldn't go to jail. I would think that would qualify for self-defense." I said, "oh, okay, but are you sure? I mean, why does there have to be an investigation if I was kidnapped. You know, like we were reported missing and I'm all bloody and stuff from being smacked around and I probably soiled myself because the bad guy wouldn't let us go to the bathroom and I haven't showered in days and there is tape residue on my wrists...like, you can tell I was in tough shape and I was clearly kidnapped. I won't get in trouble, right?" He says, "You're not going to get kidnapped." I argued, "you don't know!!! I'm fat and out of shape, I could be easily taken over by a couple of creepy guys that want woman suits and it could happen!" Shark Bait is unflappable and says, "That's not going to happen, do you know how small of a percentage of people get kidnapped? VERY SMALL, like it's not going to happen." Clearly, he hasn't been paying attention to what we watch on TV. I also was undeterred by his steadfast beliefs about my safety. I continued, "That's bullshit!! Every NCIS episode and shoot-em-up crime drama you watch has people getting kidnapped! What about Dateline and 20/20??! What about them? What about every movie out there with people being TAKEN??!!! I don't have Bruce Willis or that other angry dude...(Liam?) coming for me because I'm their daughter! Or, what about that movie Seven, where the guy kills people for the seven sins, I'm a sure candidate for the gluttony sin! I'm going to be killed in Colorado! Like, you're never going to see me again once I get on that plane!"
It's like no one even tries to take me seriously anymore. I have legit concerns.
Fast-forward to today. I'm talking to my Mom and I said, "Mom, Shark Bait doesn't think I'll get kidnapped in Colorado, but it could happen." Mom buckles up for the ride, as she has on many occasions and says, "You're not going to get kidnapped in Colorado. If you think for one minute I believe that anyone is going to attempt to kidnap you and Pal-o-mino, you've got to be out of your mind. Not gonna happen." She continues on, indulging me, "who is even going to try to kidnap you girls? I don't think so." I said, "Mom, there is some guy (or guys) out there that want women suits. They just need to get us in their van, store us in their basement and starve us for a short time and our skin will be saggy enough for them to harvest what they need. It's a thing Mom, it could happen. We are getting old, we can't even run." I could envision the look on Mom's face. Her mouth is in that half-smirk thing and she has her head tilted to the side and she's rolling her eyes. This isn't her first rodeo. Mom says, "There is NO WAY that anyone is going to mess with you girls, no way." I don't really like to be shut down so I finished the only way I could. I said, "Whatever, Mom, when I don't come back from Colorado, you'll see."
Finally, I talked to Pal-o-mino about it. She says, "First of all, we can't take our guns with us, so you can't shoot anyone." I retorted, "Duh, I'm going to break free of my ropes or tape or whatever and I'm going to make a grand effort to save us. I'm going to wrestle him down, get his gun and shoot him dead. I'm going to save us. I promise you." Pal-o-mino wasn't buying it, she's like, "yeah, that's not even a thing, that isn't going to happen." Here's the thing...she doesn't know...it could and at least ONE OF US is thinking about it. I don't hear anyone thanking me for being preventative or cautious or proactive or anything like that. No, they just say it isn't going to happen. But...what if it does? Then what?
To be clear, I'm not saying that I want it to happen (unless it's by Channing Tatum). I mean, maybe the terrorists will be on our flight. Probably not, because it is super early and who wants to get up early to die, you know? I mean, I guess I am, but I'm not planning on dying, I'm just saying, what if? Look, I might not be the kind of girl that gets attacked and kidnapped because I'm young and hot, or because I'm a hooker (I mean, I'm not a hooker, but I'm just saying, if I was, but I'm not...trust me), but at the end of the day, I've taken pretty good care of my skin. Shark Bait says my butt is soft as a baby's butt and my facial skin is pretty good. Cellulite has really kept the wrinkles from coming on. My back skin is pretty nice, too. I've never had "backne" or blackheads or anything. Trust me, I've seen some shit on Dr. Pimple Popper and my back skin is fantastic. I would make a pretty good woman suit. Now, my legs, they are pretty much like the extra parts that come with a Thanksgiving turkey, you throw them out or boil them to make gravy.
Or, say the guy doesn't want a woman suit, say he needs to sell me and my friend for human sex-trafficking........................... omg...lmao...never mind. hahahahahaha That would only happen if he was a blind guy. Sigh.
So, I guess what I'm saying is, I'm going for 10 days, I'm a little anxious, but I'm probably going to be fine, according to everyone else. Tonight, as I was laying in bed trying to count sheep or something, Shark Bait reconfirmed, "I don't know what else to say, but you are going to have a great time and you ARE NOT GOING TO GET KIDNAPPED!" I replied, "Look pal, until you have an 800# and a loyal following, I'm not going to believe your psychic bullshit."
And just like that, he had no comeback. A smug win for Angry Pony.
I'm going to try and go back to bed now. I'd like to be kidnapped by dreams...
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| Violent Femmes - DO NOT Attempt to Kidnap |
