In my last blog entry, I shared that I had been double dog dared (DDD) to do a boudoir photo shoot. I promised a multi-part mini blog series about it. Well, that didn't happen. This blog today will be part two about the DDD and that will be it.
You see, I started to write a blog all about selecting the outfits I was going to take with me to the boudoir shoot and it was going to be about how ridiculous my body is. I was going to talk about the lingerie and how I looked like a pig dressed in lacey curtains. I was going to talk about these boobs of mine and how they disappear into my armpits when I lay down on the bed. I would do my normal fat mocking and I would paint a picture you'd never be able to get out of your mind, but it would likely make you laugh because I'm ridiculous. I learned a long time ago that if I make people laugh first, then it doesn't hurt as much if someone makes a comment about my weight, or it distracts them from making a comment. I learned that in kindergarten.
But as I started to write it, something happened that I was not prepared for. For the first time, I didn't want to shame this body. For the first time, I didn't want to make fun of it and I didn't want to feel bad about it. I sat there unable to type anything. I had no humor in my heart, just a white flag in my head and a sense of surrender in my soul. Without even realizing it, I apparently had come to some sort of peace that I was not yet even aware of. I don't know when or how it happened, but I think between my years with the Rug Doctor and then recently my counseling with the Paleo Princess, something has finally stuck. I think I have finally succumbed to their teachings! I think the last few months of being more respectful of my way of eating and allowing myself to be proud of my journey has made all the difference. Honestly, I'm not even completely sure how it happened. I haven't unpacked all that yet.
Fast-forward to the day of my photo shoot as I walked down the streets of Snohomish wearing a mask with a dabbing unicorn on it, packing a rifle and a pink bag full of sexy bra's and panties. I thought the rifle would be a nice touch in some of the shots for Shark Bait. Seemed like a sexy thing to do. Anyway, that experience alone was enough to tear down the walls of what is or is not socially acceptable. I got some confused looks. Meh, whatever.
Alas, I arrived safely, and without incident, to Jezebel VonZephyr Photography to do my photos. I had heard they were a very body positive group of women that ran the studio and that they made it very empowering and safe. Sara, the photographer, and Tiffany, the hair and make-up stylist, put me at ease and made the whole experience during my shoot amazing. They put together my outfits and we spent a couple of hours making me feel comfortable, powerful and sexy. It's hard to explain how it makes you feel, but it is a feeling of confidence that lasted for days to follow. That feeling might still be with me and it's been two weeks now since the shoot.
During the shoot, I had a feeling of power, but I also had a nagging feeling of "what if the feeling and image I have in my head right now doesn't match the photo's when I see them? Then what?" This is where the DDD really comes into play because this is what I am afraid of. Looking at these pictures and hating what I see. Finding all the flaws and focusing on the fat. What if I go through all of this and that is the end result? How do I come to terms with that?
I got my answer to those questions on this past Thursday. I had a Zoom call with Sara and one of her team members, Kaitlyn, and we went though all my photos. I was sick to my stomach as the pictures started to come up on the screen. It was a slideshow set to music and I just sat there and two things happened. First, I had to mourn the loss of what I thought I should have looked like. The pictures did not match the image in my head. This wasn't a selfie where I controlled the angle, this was my body through someone else's lens, which meant, that is me. No filter. No hiding in black pants or a long sweater. There I was. It wasn't like I'd never seen myself naked in the mirror. I don't know why I thought I would look different than I did. I just wanted the fantasy of me to be there in those images. Like maybe if I looked beautiful in those photos, I really was beautiful and the proof would be right there. I don't know why I need proof, because my husband tells me I'm beautiful and my friends are always kind to me about my appearance. Why am I the only hold-out? Why do I refuse to see it or accept it? Is it years of shaming in grade school? Was it years of not feeling good enough to have a boyfriend or have guys be interested? Was it the expectation of society? Hollywood? What? I think it's all of those things, but also a sense of personal shame that I have never been able to get the weight off. I feel cheated out of life experiences that "normal" people have. I have a strong sense of failure that I cannot shake.
So, as I was rapidly processing all of that, I had to pick the pictures I wanted to keep. Sara and Kaitlyn were great about encouraging me to be kind and to remember this was about me and not keeping pictures because of how I thought someone else might appreciate them. They encouraged me to keep a couple that maybe made me feel a little uncomfortable or that were not perfect in my eyes so that moving forward, I could become comfortable with what I saw. And so, I narrowed it down to a handful that represented who I am right now, today. I'm going to share some of those pictures with the world because I am not ashamed of my imperfections. I am going to continue to work on making this body better, but I'm going to love it enough to take are of it.
I don't think any of these pictures are scandalous and frankly, you can see more skin by going to the beach, so ZERO SHAME IN MY GAME. If you don't want to see them, now is your time to close this blog. These pictures are the originals from Jezebel VonZephyr and I'm not allowed to edit or filter them, so you are going to see some skin. Sorry, not sorry.
I picked this picture because I smiled and it was genuine. I don't really like my teeth or my smile in general because I feel like it makes my eyes disappear when my cheeks go up. This picture makes me happy.
I chose the picture (above) because I felt SEXY AF. I don't hate my body in this pose.
I was disappointed in all my gun wielding poses. I didn't love them and I didn't think there would ever be a day when I did. I could not come to terms with the majority of them. This shot (above) however, I made peace with.
This picture (above) I initially cringed. All I could see was my big 'ol belly. But, if I change my focus and look at the expression in that woman's face, I'm in there and I'm kind of a badass.
I chose this picture (above) because it shows the woman I am, complete with scars on her belly from multiple weight-loss surgeries. I've done the work, I've fought the war. I'm still here. And, I'm still "in progress."
Naked and unafraid (above). Here I am. The world's expectations will not shame me into a flannel floor-length nightie.
This picture (above) made me laugh. Such a bitchy, mob-boss wife expression. I don't love my legs or how big I look, but that woman behind that face has gotten me through every hardship that has brought me to today and...I love her.
And finally, this picture below is the fierce woman I carry around every day. She is strong, sometimes insecure, scared, depressed, over-whelmed or angry. She's a loyal friend, an empath, a clown, dramatic and outspoken. She deserves love. She deserves happiness.
Yesterday, I showed my pictures to a couple of my friends at work. One of those friends is one of the fittest people I know. She eats well, exercises and takes really good care of herself. She's beautiful. I would give anything to trade her bodies. She said she didn't think she could ever do a photo shoot like this. I looked at her in disbelief. I said, "Holy cow, if I can do this with THIS body, why in the world wouldn't you do it in YOURS?" She immediately started talking about all the places on her body that are not good enough or are undesirable to her. I just stared at her and was instantly so sad for her. I wanted her to feel free, too. I wanted her to feel as beautiful as I think she is. And then I realized, that is how all the people that care about me feel. They want me to see what they see, which is not the weight, but the person.
This is some deep shit I'm going through here.
I'm going to send this to Paleo Princess for her review, but I think this Double Dog Dare is complete...and a success.
Thank you, Sara, Tiffany and Kaitlyn at Jezebel VonZephyr Photography. The work you do with the camera and the soul is amazing and appreciated.
