WARNING: B.U.T.I. (Blogging Under The Influence)
(I didn't say the influence of what...it could be Beethoven)
First of all, I want to apologize to anyone that just ran across this blog thinking you would learn something about actual salad shooters or humans. If you continue to read, you're in for a terrifying surprise. Let's consider that the disclaimer of the day.
Now, I need to talk about a situation that is completely out of control. My body. No, this isn't about my body and it's twisted relationship with SPANX. No, this isn't about my boobs, belly or butt. What haven't I discussed in a while? Poop. (Everybody poops, BTW, don't even fecking roll your eyes at me or wrinkle your nose. It happens.)
As everyone knows, for the past 47 years, 48 if you count those developing months inside the womb, I've been trying to lose weight. And, now my knees hurt like a mother trucker and so it is extra important. Like, being important isn't enough, we have to make something extra important. Where does it stop? "So GD Fecking Important??!" Anyway, it is THAT important. #importantToInfinityAndBeyond
What I'm trying to say is that I've done KETO, Paleo, LCHF, South Beach, etc. diets before and now all the sudden my body is like, "lettuce is the enemy!!!!! Abort, Abort, Abort!!!" Spinach, my guts hate it, Romaine, Iceburg, weeds from your front yard, all of it, my guts hate it! We aren't talking that I get a little gas, heartburn or air bubble. I'm talking about war, people. We are talkin' down in the trenches on a night that won't stop the monsoon of 100 planets, we are talkin' down in those trenches with water up to our ass crack and leaches stuck to our private generals. That's what I'm talking about. That serious. A seriousness that must be immediately considered an act on terrorism. Terrorism on your intestines, your sphincter muscles and your wall behind you. It's coming through, people, the salad has left the fire hose of your intestines and we are putting out a five alarm fire. Unbatton the hatches, I beg you, for the night terror is coming!!!
To recap, if I eat salad, it shoots out the back door. I'm basically a human salad shooter.
So, thanks Mom and Dad, genetics, the universe and every ice cream cone that made me this way, now I can't even eat healthy to lose weight. It's like a maze there is no exit to. IT'S A TRAP!!!!!!!!!
It isn't like I never eat salads and veggies and stuff, even if I am eating a few cookies or french fries at the same time. But now, when I remove sugar, my body becomes like that little girl in Poltergeist. So, now what? You PaleoKetoLowCarbSouthBitchDiet experts???? I guess it's like some people are gluten intolerant or lactose intolerant, I'm just health intolerant. "Oh, I'm sorry Pete, I can't eat that broccoli, it doesn't have lard and preservatives in it! I don't know how you barbarians survive!"
I don't even know what my intestines want anymore. One day it's a hostage situation, three days later Tsunami warning. Look, this is A LOT of information, but what I'm trying to say is, I might only be able to survive eating Doritos, chocolate and copious amounts of Cheez-its. I should probably get tested, you know, to see which, if any vegetables are consumable by this body. This body that tries to be all mysterious and shit, but just ends up looking like every other body on Maury trying to find out who dey baby daddy is. Are you still with me on this? Is it making any sense?
I had a lot to say about this earlier, but I seem to be getting side-tracked in my mind and I can't quite make sense of what is happening up there. I mean, I know what's happening down there, I got four anti-diarheal pills holding back the gates at the Jell-o Pudding factory after all the vats exploded and a chocolate tsunami happened and then tried to break down the gates of the factory. OMG, my whole childhood is coming back...being the only girl...surrounded by dumb teenage boys...too many references, too many jokes, too much..... anyway, like I was saying, not sure what is going on up there...in the ole think tank.
In conclusion, I'm probably still gonna try and eat healthy, but if you see Oreo crumbles on my salad, back up off me because I got problems of my own and bitch ain't noneyo bizness. Unless you read my blog, which is everyone's business whether they wanted it to be their business, but it's their choice to read, I don't mind meld anyone or hold them captive with words like erotica and throbbing. Nope, I use words like poop, lard and boob. So, why y'all still here, I have NO IDEA.
I think it's time for me to go and find an appropriate song, play it and sing along to it while I video myself singing and then going through my contact list and sending it to people. You've been warned. I suggest you go add and activate appropriate Angry Pony blocking tactics right now.
(I didn't say the influence of what...it could be Beethoven)
First of all, I want to apologize to anyone that just ran across this blog thinking you would learn something about actual salad shooters or humans. If you continue to read, you're in for a terrifying surprise. Let's consider that the disclaimer of the day.
Now, I need to talk about a situation that is completely out of control. My body. No, this isn't about my body and it's twisted relationship with SPANX. No, this isn't about my boobs, belly or butt. What haven't I discussed in a while? Poop. (Everybody poops, BTW, don't even fecking roll your eyes at me or wrinkle your nose. It happens.)
As everyone knows, for the past 47 years, 48 if you count those developing months inside the womb, I've been trying to lose weight. And, now my knees hurt like a mother trucker and so it is extra important. Like, being important isn't enough, we have to make something extra important. Where does it stop? "So GD Fecking Important??!" Anyway, it is THAT important. #importantToInfinityAndBeyond
What I'm trying to say is that I've done KETO, Paleo, LCHF, South Beach, etc. diets before and now all the sudden my body is like, "lettuce is the enemy!!!!! Abort, Abort, Abort!!!" Spinach, my guts hate it, Romaine, Iceburg, weeds from your front yard, all of it, my guts hate it! We aren't talking that I get a little gas, heartburn or air bubble. I'm talking about war, people. We are talkin' down in the trenches on a night that won't stop the monsoon of 100 planets, we are talkin' down in those trenches with water up to our ass crack and leaches stuck to our private generals. That's what I'm talking about. That serious. A seriousness that must be immediately considered an act on terrorism. Terrorism on your intestines, your sphincter muscles and your wall behind you. It's coming through, people, the salad has left the fire hose of your intestines and we are putting out a five alarm fire. Unbatton the hatches, I beg you, for the night terror is coming!!!
To recap, if I eat salad, it shoots out the back door. I'm basically a human salad shooter.
So, thanks Mom and Dad, genetics, the universe and every ice cream cone that made me this way, now I can't even eat healthy to lose weight. It's like a maze there is no exit to. IT'S A TRAP!!!!!!!!!
It isn't like I never eat salads and veggies and stuff, even if I am eating a few cookies or french fries at the same time. But now, when I remove sugar, my body becomes like that little girl in Poltergeist. So, now what? You PaleoKetoLowCarbSouthBitchDiet experts???? I guess it's like some people are gluten intolerant or lactose intolerant, I'm just health intolerant. "Oh, I'm sorry Pete, I can't eat that broccoli, it doesn't have lard and preservatives in it! I don't know how you barbarians survive!"
I don't even know what my intestines want anymore. One day it's a hostage situation, three days later Tsunami warning. Look, this is A LOT of information, but what I'm trying to say is, I might only be able to survive eating Doritos, chocolate and copious amounts of Cheez-its. I should probably get tested, you know, to see which, if any vegetables are consumable by this body. This body that tries to be all mysterious and shit, but just ends up looking like every other body on Maury trying to find out who dey baby daddy is. Are you still with me on this? Is it making any sense?
I had a lot to say about this earlier, but I seem to be getting side-tracked in my mind and I can't quite make sense of what is happening up there. I mean, I know what's happening down there, I got four anti-diarheal pills holding back the gates at the Jell-o Pudding factory after all the vats exploded and a chocolate tsunami happened and then tried to break down the gates of the factory. OMG, my whole childhood is coming back...being the only girl...surrounded by dumb teenage boys...too many references, too many jokes, too much..... anyway, like I was saying, not sure what is going on up there...in the ole think tank.
In conclusion, I'm probably still gonna try and eat healthy, but if you see Oreo crumbles on my salad, back up off me because I got problems of my own and bitch ain't noneyo bizness. Unless you read my blog, which is everyone's business whether they wanted it to be their business, but it's their choice to read, I don't mind meld anyone or hold them captive with words like erotica and throbbing. Nope, I use words like poop, lard and boob. So, why y'all still here, I have NO IDEA.
I think it's time for me to go and find an appropriate song, play it and sing along to it while I video myself singing and then going through my contact list and sending it to people. You've been warned. I suggest you go add and activate appropriate Angry Pony blocking tactics right now.
