Note from the author: This is not a "pity party, party of one" blog. This is simply insight, not excuses or blame. It's the reality of what happens in my mind, and other's minds, too. Everyone's journey is different and there are many success stories out there as well as failures. This is me, sharing my internal journey. If you aren't obese, it may not make sense to you and that's okay. If you are obese and are part of the body acceptance movement, you may not find value here and that's okay, too. This blog will speak to the people that need it.
I was talking to a friend the other day that I've known since childhood, let's call her Nurse Ponyheart (NP). We were discussing how much we have in common when it comes to this whole lifetime of being overweight thing. She reached out to me because she knows that I "get it." Like, I truly understand where she is. I know how she feels, I know her struggle, I know where her motivation level and struggle is. I get it. I see her. I feel her feels.
We also discussed how sometimes (or, if you're me, all the time) we put our feelings on Facebook because sometimes we just need to express how we are feeling. We aren't looking for anyone to tell us, "no, that's not true, you're beautiful!" or "it doesn't matter because you are beautiful on the inside and out and you have a man that loves you." or, "you are strong, you can do this!" We aren't looking for that kind of validation, but that is what happens. And you know what? Those people mean it. They love us, no matter what. They know we are struggling, but they really don't know what else to say or do because they've never known the life of struggle as we have, where weight is concerned. Or maybe, they gained weight over time, like after a baby, and then found a plan for themselves and lost the weight. They now want us to try that, because that saved their life. At any rate, what I'm saying is, these people care and they are being supportive the only way they know how. I mean no disrespect to these people as I write this.
After talking to her I wanted to blog about what is in our heads and what we really feel and how supporting us can be difficult for friends and family. Kind of an insight, if you will. Because at the end of the day, neither of us really know what we want or expect people to say when we are struggling. We really just wish we knew how to get through this, because nothing up to this point has worked. Both of us have had weight loss surgery and both of us have gained it back, perhaps for different reasons, but none the less, the parallels in our life are uncanny. I can't speak for NP, but I can speak for what I go through on any given day, so that is what I want to share with you.
First moment of my day, the alarm goes off. I roll over and hit snooze, because I'm tired. I'm always tired. I'm not excited about my day. Like, I don't even care if it is Christmas morning and I know Santa was here, I'm still not excited for anything. I know as soon as I start to move, something is going to hurt. My knees will be first. I dangle my legs over the side of the bed and twist my feet then stretch my legs out in hopes that will send the blood to circulating so that my first step will not be excruciating. I go get in the shower and as I do, I try very hard not to catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. There is nothing for me to see there that I will like, from my hair down to my toes. Not one part of my body will I look at and say, "I like that about me." I get in the shower and do all the things one does in the shower. Maybe not ALL the things, because frankly, I can't reach everything the way someone with bendable legs and no belly obstruction can. I do my best and spend the appropriate amount of time making sure that anything that folds over or holds moisture is clean, because you have to make sure all the rolls and muffin tops are cared for.
After the shower, I put on my make-up and do my hair. While I am a total girly-girl and love to wear make-up, it is also a necessity for me. I feel like I need to work extra hard to look as pleasant as I can so that people will not focus on how large I am. Some people tease me for always wearing make-up and doing my hair, but honestly, it seriously is a necessity for me to feel any sense of confidence. Sometimes I will go out in public without it, it isn't like I can't, but my preference is to be seen fully put together.
Now, it is time to get dressed. This is a whole other process that the average person will not understand or does not need to go through. I can't say what NP goes through, as her job requires a certain uniform, but what I go through is a lot of self-loathing. I want to look nice and appear as small as possible. I just want to fit in and not stick out as the fat girl. I know that isn't a reality, but I try to make it so. This involves a variety of shape wear like Spanx, tights, tummy control, thigh control, back fat control, etc. I check, is the shape wear making a dent in my back? Is it obvious? I can't wear certain shape wear with certain outfits because it doesn't look right, so different outfits have different undergarment requirements. In the summer, I may look like I'm wearing a flowy summer dress, but guess what is holding that body together underneath? An entire fortress of shape wear that makes me way more uncomfortable than I appear. Will my legs rub together and make a swishy noise when I walk in this? Will my thighs erupt in flames from Spanx friction? Will my stomach stick out too much? Will this dress or pants cling to my thighs? Will this belt create a bigger muffin top?
Clothes that may have looked fine on any other day may not work today, because today I looked in the mirror and I HATED it. How did I wear it last time and it seemed fine? My thighs are so heavy, I can't wear all the leggings and short skirts that everyone else wears. The extra fat around my knees is humiliating. I know there are probably not many people, if any, that stop and consider that about my legs, but it is all I can think about all day.
By the time I am ready for work, I'm in a sweat because putting all this together is not easy, plus, menopause! I hate getting dressed in the morning. I hate dressing this body and yet I spend hours online looking at clothes that I hope will fit me that I can purchase to disguise the rolls, bumps and globs of cellulite. Going into stores and shopping is not a thing, unless we just go to our usual haunts that have a plus-size section or is a store dedicated to "our people."
One last thing before I go to work, I have to take my meds. My anti-depressant, my heartburn pills and a slew of vitamins that I pray will bring up my vitamin D and B levels. I'll take my blood pressure pills tonight before bed. I'm not diabetic yet, but it is a worry in the back of my mind everyday. I say to myself, "I've got to turn this around."
I leave for work and as I drive along, I wonder how big I look to other people passing by. My short hair leaves my entire face out there and my double chin for everyone to see. I arrive at work, I park in the parking lot and walk into the office. I wonder if the people in the smoking area watch me walk by and think, "What is she wearing? Wow, I wouldn't wear that..." What are the chances they are doing that? Probably pretty small, but my head is convinced otherwise. I watch other people walk in ahead of me. Maybe it is some woman in cute leggings, high heels and a thigh gap. I hate her. I hate her for having the body I can only dream of and I wonder what it is like for her to get dressed in the morning. Her hair is up in a sloppy bun and she's casually sloppy. She looks perfect. I will acknowledge that anyone, including thin, seemingly healthy people have body image issues. Fat people don't get to own that. Body image is brutal for everyone.
Food. I'm at work and everyone is ordering breakfast or lunch and they order whatever they want. I am agonizing about what I am going to eat. Every decision I make will affect whether I lose a pound or gain a pound. I have to consider if I will be "strong" today, if I will eat "healthy" today, if I will have the will power to eat only a very little of what I need and avoid all the things I don't need. Will I drink enough water? I need to drink lots of water. Oh, look, it's donut day. I obsess about the donut. I beat myself up if I eat it. If I do, my day is clearly ruined. And I assume that anyone seeing me eat the donut will see I am weak and I deserve to be fat.
I have a gym downstairs at my work. I'm a member. Do I go after work? Do I go on my lunch? Every day I don't go, I am a failure. Every day I can't make myself go, obesity has won and there is no hope for me. I want to go to the gym. I want to be healthy, but I'm tired and my body hurts and I'm exhausted from the mental fight in my head that never stops. One day I'm giving up, the next day I'm starting a new plan or setting a new goal, but something is stopping me from succeeding. It's my head. I'm sad. I'm depressed and I see no way out. I've already failed at weight loss surgery, what on earth could I possibly do to fix this? What is it going to take? I'll tell you what it is going to take, it's going to take EVERYTHING. It's going to take everything I have to push through the body aches, the stigma of being fat and finding the time and the support to do this. But you know what? Life doesn't always make that possible. How can you give everything when the rest of your life, your husband, your child, your finances, your job, your home life, your everything else is still there? It's overwhelming and sometimes when you are in the space of being overwhelmed, you just give up and survive. There should be no shame in surviving, but it sure isn't living and we blame ourselves for that, too.
And living is what we want the most. We want to do all the things, with no limitations but our bodies feel like our biggest limitation. Some might say, no, it's your head, that's your biggest limitation and I guess I'd have to agree with that as well. But, you know what else is a limitation? The size of an airplane seat, the weight limit on a carnival ride or to zip-line. Shopping for a wedding dress, trying to find one your size and then visualizing yourself in it and knowing that you will look at those pictures for the rest of your life and know you were not at your best. We will compare that to everyone else who has "magical" wedding photo's.
I make my way home after work and I'm tired. I come home, fix dinner and enjoy a couple hours with my husband and my dogs and then it's time for bed. I beat myself up again for not working out, or for making poor food choices and I get ready for bed. As I lay in bed, I wonder, how does Shark Bait love me? I'm depressed and I'm in this body I hate. He loves me for who I am, I know that, but does he look at me clothed or naked and think, "that is hot!" Is he truly attracted to me, or is he just used to me? Or is it his less than 20/20 vision? How can he run his hands over this fat belly, fat thighs and look at my chubby face and be turned on? I want and need to feel attractive and sexy, but no matter how much Shark Bait says he's attracted to me, how could he be? He's lying to make me feel better is the only plausible explanation.
All of this and SO MUCH MORE is in the head of an obese woman (and maybe men, too, I can't say, I've never been one) every day. NP and I wonder, what did we do in a past life, or in this life, to deserve this struggle? Were we skinny prostitutes at a Saloon? We know there are people with bigger struggles out there, but this isn't about those people, this is about us and it's okay to feel our feelings about us. Our feelings matter. We matter.
Also, just so everyone understands, not all people that are overweight have that "ah-ha" moment where life changes and they are suddenly able to commit and lose the weight. That's great on The Biggest Loser or whatever other reality show you're watching, but that's not how it works for everyone. There are a whole bunch of us out there struggling to find the strength every day to manage this. To get out of bed and do the best we can. And on other days, we don't get out of bed. We give up, but we survive. So, yes, thank you for saying we are beautiful. Thank you for seeing who we are on the inside of this body. Thank you for saying you even think we are aesthetically beautiful. That is very sweet of you, but we want more for ourselves. We expect more for ourselves. We don't want to be heart attack victims, stroke victims, diabetic, and a myriad of other complications. We don't want pity. We want to live for our husbands, our kids, our family and friends...for ourselves. We have things we want to do. We're just so tired of fighting. It's been a lifetime and we're tired. We've run out of hope.
To "my people," the people of the cellulite and the struggle, I see you. I feel you. I understand what you are going through. I know you're tired. I have no advice for you. I think what gets me through each day is knowing that you are all there fighting the fight with me. I honestly don't know if I will ever achieve what I want or if you will either, but we'll keep trying, because there is no other choice that leads to living.
And one final note. Don't let all that Pinterest or motivational bullshit get in your head like, "If it is important enough, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse." To the person that wrote that, Fuck You.
I'll continue to look for this girl, who had successes in 2013. She's buried in here somewhere. I need to find her.
I was talking to a friend the other day that I've known since childhood, let's call her Nurse Ponyheart (NP). We were discussing how much we have in common when it comes to this whole lifetime of being overweight thing. She reached out to me because she knows that I "get it." Like, I truly understand where she is. I know how she feels, I know her struggle, I know where her motivation level and struggle is. I get it. I see her. I feel her feels.
We also discussed how sometimes (or, if you're me, all the time) we put our feelings on Facebook because sometimes we just need to express how we are feeling. We aren't looking for anyone to tell us, "no, that's not true, you're beautiful!" or "it doesn't matter because you are beautiful on the inside and out and you have a man that loves you." or, "you are strong, you can do this!" We aren't looking for that kind of validation, but that is what happens. And you know what? Those people mean it. They love us, no matter what. They know we are struggling, but they really don't know what else to say or do because they've never known the life of struggle as we have, where weight is concerned. Or maybe, they gained weight over time, like after a baby, and then found a plan for themselves and lost the weight. They now want us to try that, because that saved their life. At any rate, what I'm saying is, these people care and they are being supportive the only way they know how. I mean no disrespect to these people as I write this.
After talking to her I wanted to blog about what is in our heads and what we really feel and how supporting us can be difficult for friends and family. Kind of an insight, if you will. Because at the end of the day, neither of us really know what we want or expect people to say when we are struggling. We really just wish we knew how to get through this, because nothing up to this point has worked. Both of us have had weight loss surgery and both of us have gained it back, perhaps for different reasons, but none the less, the parallels in our life are uncanny. I can't speak for NP, but I can speak for what I go through on any given day, so that is what I want to share with you.
First moment of my day, the alarm goes off. I roll over and hit snooze, because I'm tired. I'm always tired. I'm not excited about my day. Like, I don't even care if it is Christmas morning and I know Santa was here, I'm still not excited for anything. I know as soon as I start to move, something is going to hurt. My knees will be first. I dangle my legs over the side of the bed and twist my feet then stretch my legs out in hopes that will send the blood to circulating so that my first step will not be excruciating. I go get in the shower and as I do, I try very hard not to catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. There is nothing for me to see there that I will like, from my hair down to my toes. Not one part of my body will I look at and say, "I like that about me." I get in the shower and do all the things one does in the shower. Maybe not ALL the things, because frankly, I can't reach everything the way someone with bendable legs and no belly obstruction can. I do my best and spend the appropriate amount of time making sure that anything that folds over or holds moisture is clean, because you have to make sure all the rolls and muffin tops are cared for.
After the shower, I put on my make-up and do my hair. While I am a total girly-girl and love to wear make-up, it is also a necessity for me. I feel like I need to work extra hard to look as pleasant as I can so that people will not focus on how large I am. Some people tease me for always wearing make-up and doing my hair, but honestly, it seriously is a necessity for me to feel any sense of confidence. Sometimes I will go out in public without it, it isn't like I can't, but my preference is to be seen fully put together.
Now, it is time to get dressed. This is a whole other process that the average person will not understand or does not need to go through. I can't say what NP goes through, as her job requires a certain uniform, but what I go through is a lot of self-loathing. I want to look nice and appear as small as possible. I just want to fit in and not stick out as the fat girl. I know that isn't a reality, but I try to make it so. This involves a variety of shape wear like Spanx, tights, tummy control, thigh control, back fat control, etc. I check, is the shape wear making a dent in my back? Is it obvious? I can't wear certain shape wear with certain outfits because it doesn't look right, so different outfits have different undergarment requirements. In the summer, I may look like I'm wearing a flowy summer dress, but guess what is holding that body together underneath? An entire fortress of shape wear that makes me way more uncomfortable than I appear. Will my legs rub together and make a swishy noise when I walk in this? Will my thighs erupt in flames from Spanx friction? Will my stomach stick out too much? Will this dress or pants cling to my thighs? Will this belt create a bigger muffin top?
Clothes that may have looked fine on any other day may not work today, because today I looked in the mirror and I HATED it. How did I wear it last time and it seemed fine? My thighs are so heavy, I can't wear all the leggings and short skirts that everyone else wears. The extra fat around my knees is humiliating. I know there are probably not many people, if any, that stop and consider that about my legs, but it is all I can think about all day.
By the time I am ready for work, I'm in a sweat because putting all this together is not easy, plus, menopause! I hate getting dressed in the morning. I hate dressing this body and yet I spend hours online looking at clothes that I hope will fit me that I can purchase to disguise the rolls, bumps and globs of cellulite. Going into stores and shopping is not a thing, unless we just go to our usual haunts that have a plus-size section or is a store dedicated to "our people."
One last thing before I go to work, I have to take my meds. My anti-depressant, my heartburn pills and a slew of vitamins that I pray will bring up my vitamin D and B levels. I'll take my blood pressure pills tonight before bed. I'm not diabetic yet, but it is a worry in the back of my mind everyday. I say to myself, "I've got to turn this around."
I leave for work and as I drive along, I wonder how big I look to other people passing by. My short hair leaves my entire face out there and my double chin for everyone to see. I arrive at work, I park in the parking lot and walk into the office. I wonder if the people in the smoking area watch me walk by and think, "What is she wearing? Wow, I wouldn't wear that..." What are the chances they are doing that? Probably pretty small, but my head is convinced otherwise. I watch other people walk in ahead of me. Maybe it is some woman in cute leggings, high heels and a thigh gap. I hate her. I hate her for having the body I can only dream of and I wonder what it is like for her to get dressed in the morning. Her hair is up in a sloppy bun and she's casually sloppy. She looks perfect. I will acknowledge that anyone, including thin, seemingly healthy people have body image issues. Fat people don't get to own that. Body image is brutal for everyone.
Food. I'm at work and everyone is ordering breakfast or lunch and they order whatever they want. I am agonizing about what I am going to eat. Every decision I make will affect whether I lose a pound or gain a pound. I have to consider if I will be "strong" today, if I will eat "healthy" today, if I will have the will power to eat only a very little of what I need and avoid all the things I don't need. Will I drink enough water? I need to drink lots of water. Oh, look, it's donut day. I obsess about the donut. I beat myself up if I eat it. If I do, my day is clearly ruined. And I assume that anyone seeing me eat the donut will see I am weak and I deserve to be fat.
I have a gym downstairs at my work. I'm a member. Do I go after work? Do I go on my lunch? Every day I don't go, I am a failure. Every day I can't make myself go, obesity has won and there is no hope for me. I want to go to the gym. I want to be healthy, but I'm tired and my body hurts and I'm exhausted from the mental fight in my head that never stops. One day I'm giving up, the next day I'm starting a new plan or setting a new goal, but something is stopping me from succeeding. It's my head. I'm sad. I'm depressed and I see no way out. I've already failed at weight loss surgery, what on earth could I possibly do to fix this? What is it going to take? I'll tell you what it is going to take, it's going to take EVERYTHING. It's going to take everything I have to push through the body aches, the stigma of being fat and finding the time and the support to do this. But you know what? Life doesn't always make that possible. How can you give everything when the rest of your life, your husband, your child, your finances, your job, your home life, your everything else is still there? It's overwhelming and sometimes when you are in the space of being overwhelmed, you just give up and survive. There should be no shame in surviving, but it sure isn't living and we blame ourselves for that, too.
And living is what we want the most. We want to do all the things, with no limitations but our bodies feel like our biggest limitation. Some might say, no, it's your head, that's your biggest limitation and I guess I'd have to agree with that as well. But, you know what else is a limitation? The size of an airplane seat, the weight limit on a carnival ride or to zip-line. Shopping for a wedding dress, trying to find one your size and then visualizing yourself in it and knowing that you will look at those pictures for the rest of your life and know you were not at your best. We will compare that to everyone else who has "magical" wedding photo's.
I make my way home after work and I'm tired. I come home, fix dinner and enjoy a couple hours with my husband and my dogs and then it's time for bed. I beat myself up again for not working out, or for making poor food choices and I get ready for bed. As I lay in bed, I wonder, how does Shark Bait love me? I'm depressed and I'm in this body I hate. He loves me for who I am, I know that, but does he look at me clothed or naked and think, "that is hot!" Is he truly attracted to me, or is he just used to me? Or is it his less than 20/20 vision? How can he run his hands over this fat belly, fat thighs and look at my chubby face and be turned on? I want and need to feel attractive and sexy, but no matter how much Shark Bait says he's attracted to me, how could he be? He's lying to make me feel better is the only plausible explanation.
All of this and SO MUCH MORE is in the head of an obese woman (and maybe men, too, I can't say, I've never been one) every day. NP and I wonder, what did we do in a past life, or in this life, to deserve this struggle? Were we skinny prostitutes at a Saloon? We know there are people with bigger struggles out there, but this isn't about those people, this is about us and it's okay to feel our feelings about us. Our feelings matter. We matter.
Also, just so everyone understands, not all people that are overweight have that "ah-ha" moment where life changes and they are suddenly able to commit and lose the weight. That's great on The Biggest Loser or whatever other reality show you're watching, but that's not how it works for everyone. There are a whole bunch of us out there struggling to find the strength every day to manage this. To get out of bed and do the best we can. And on other days, we don't get out of bed. We give up, but we survive. So, yes, thank you for saying we are beautiful. Thank you for seeing who we are on the inside of this body. Thank you for saying you even think we are aesthetically beautiful. That is very sweet of you, but we want more for ourselves. We expect more for ourselves. We don't want to be heart attack victims, stroke victims, diabetic, and a myriad of other complications. We don't want pity. We want to live for our husbands, our kids, our family and friends...for ourselves. We have things we want to do. We're just so tired of fighting. It's been a lifetime and we're tired. We've run out of hope.
To "my people," the people of the cellulite and the struggle, I see you. I feel you. I understand what you are going through. I know you're tired. I have no advice for you. I think what gets me through each day is knowing that you are all there fighting the fight with me. I honestly don't know if I will ever achieve what I want or if you will either, but we'll keep trying, because there is no other choice that leads to living.
And one final note. Don't let all that Pinterest or motivational bullshit get in your head like, "If it is important enough, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse." To the person that wrote that, Fuck You.
I'll continue to look for this girl, who had successes in 2013. She's buried in here somewhere. I need to find her.
