So, today I went to the physical therapist to see if I could get anywhere with my sciatic problem. I really don't like going to physical therapy. I've been before for my shoulder, and not been too thrilled. Let's give it a shot, shall we? Think positive.
I wait for my turn and this grizzly, hairy guy calls my name. I go with him hoping he is not my therapist. He isn't. He says one of the other gals will be in momentarily. My gal comes in and first, she looks like she is 13, and secondly, she is pretty soft-spoken. I don't feel good about this. She seems unimpressed with my inability to function in everyday life. She asks what I hope to get out of therapy. I said, "Well, I'd like to be able to walk again and do day to day stuff like take care of my horses." She nods as if she understands and says, "So, do you actually have horses?" Like I make this crap up. "Yes, I do." She presses, "At your house?" I'm confused at what part she is unsure of. Seems clear to me. Anyway, I confirm that yes, indeed, I have horses and they are at my home. She asks me to take my shoes off. She looks at my socks. "What is on your socks?" I say, "horses." They are my pink pony socks, duh. She says, "oh, I thought they were skeletons." And, I'm trusting this girl with my health.
Miss Doogie Howser looks me over for a while and decides that I need to do a few exercises. She tells me to suck in my belly button like I am pulling it towards my back and to tighten my "pelvic floor" muscles. What the heck is my pelvic floor? Sensing my confusion, she says, "you know, do a Kegel exercise. Like you were trying to stop peeing." She's watching me as if she can see my bellybutton being held tight and my "floor" contracting. This is ridiculous. The only thing you can tell looking at my stomach is that I've had too many cookies. I would never have guessed Kegel exercises would solve my problem. My pelvic floor region wasn't in the mood for this, it didn't think this was going to help either. I might not be able to walk when this is over, but Will should be happy.
Then Miss Doogie informs me that we need to do electro-therapy on my butt. She tells me it shocks the muscles. Now, I don't mean she is going to shock them with horrifying pictures or telling me something surprising that will startle me, she is actually going to shock my ass. She brings this machine over, has me lay on my side and then says," I need to put these conductors on your sciatic." Translation, she is going to put sticky pads on my ass. She says, "do you mind if I put my hands down here?" I told her to do what she needed to do, how else are those things going to get on my ass? I loosen my pants and she sticks one down there..."oh, woops, that isn't the right spot," then "ripppp!" takes it off and repositions it. No worries, my ass skin isn't sensitive or anything. Thank goodness I just loofah'd it this morning. She gets me all hooked up and says, "ok, tell me when you feel the buzzing." I feel it and I tell her. She says, "ok, I'm going to turn this up, let me know when you think you can't take anymore." My eyes got big and I swallowed, "ok." She gradually increases the power. "BINGO! We're there!" I exclaimed. She says, "Ok, I'm going to leave you here for about 15-20 minutes hooked up to this." She then puts an ice pack over my hip and then rolls a little stool up to the front of me with a bell on it. She says, "If the machine malfunctions, just ring this bell." WHAT????!!! What do you mean if it malfunctions? What if it literally shocks my ass off? What if it burns a hole in it? She informs me that it probably won't, but if it does, just ring it and then someone will be in to turn it off after my time is up. I lay there, focusing on the electricity flowing into my ass. Maybe I had her leave it too high, I tried to relax and not think about it.
Anyway, I survived the treatment, the machine bell goes off and the hairy guy shows up to take my sticky pads off my ass. Just my luck. You can't send a David Beckam look a-like in there, no, you send this hairy guy, who decides to tell me, as he is digging around in my pants, that he needs a manicure. Awkward.
So, let's recap. On Wednesday, the chiropractor adjusted me in places I never thought needed adjusting, like really close to my girl parts (It was like we were a pretzel M&M, I was the chocolate and he was the pretzel. It was intense, my one leg was wrapped around him, he had me in a half-nelson and body slammed me), now today, I get assigned Kegel exercises, my ass shocked and some hairy guy digging around in my pants.
I can only conclude one thing from all this - I'm exuding some sort of sexuality and doctors can't resist. I thought they might be repulsed by fat chicks, but it turns out, I've brought sexy back.
That was the first high-point to my day. The second one was when Ambular brought her daughter Cayden in to give me a Valentine's Day present. Cayden brought me a cute pink My Little Pony. It was at this point that the big boss comes up to see what I am doing and to ask how it went at the therapist. He is on his way out for the night. He couldn't find me solving some sort of global problem or working on a mathematical equation that would double our year-end profit. No, I'm playing with a My Little Pony. He looked at me, kind of in disbelief and I said, "Look, it came with a comb and you can brush it's mane and tail." And then I sang the My Little Pony song to him. This didn't help my case. I told him, "Well, you could get one and then join the Bronies." He asked what a Brony was. I informed him it was a group of men that enjoyed My Little Ponies. He didn't believe me. He looked it up on his phone, sure enough, there it was. He looked at me like I was off my wagon. I said, "What? It isn't like I'm a member, I just heard about it..." I then told him about my trip to the therapist. Again, he just looked at me like he couldn't believe he trusted me with his passwords. He thanked me for over-sharing about my butt and the Bronies. I bid him a happy weekend. And just like that, my work week was complete.
I wait for my turn and this grizzly, hairy guy calls my name. I go with him hoping he is not my therapist. He isn't. He says one of the other gals will be in momentarily. My gal comes in and first, she looks like she is 13, and secondly, she is pretty soft-spoken. I don't feel good about this. She seems unimpressed with my inability to function in everyday life. She asks what I hope to get out of therapy. I said, "Well, I'd like to be able to walk again and do day to day stuff like take care of my horses." She nods as if she understands and says, "So, do you actually have horses?" Like I make this crap up. "Yes, I do." She presses, "At your house?" I'm confused at what part she is unsure of. Seems clear to me. Anyway, I confirm that yes, indeed, I have horses and they are at my home. She asks me to take my shoes off. She looks at my socks. "What is on your socks?" I say, "horses." They are my pink pony socks, duh. She says, "oh, I thought they were skeletons." And, I'm trusting this girl with my health.
Miss Doogie Howser looks me over for a while and decides that I need to do a few exercises. She tells me to suck in my belly button like I am pulling it towards my back and to tighten my "pelvic floor" muscles. What the heck is my pelvic floor? Sensing my confusion, she says, "you know, do a Kegel exercise. Like you were trying to stop peeing." She's watching me as if she can see my bellybutton being held tight and my "floor" contracting. This is ridiculous. The only thing you can tell looking at my stomach is that I've had too many cookies. I would never have guessed Kegel exercises would solve my problem. My pelvic floor region wasn't in the mood for this, it didn't think this was going to help either. I might not be able to walk when this is over, but Will should be happy.
Then Miss Doogie informs me that we need to do electro-therapy on my butt. She tells me it shocks the muscles. Now, I don't mean she is going to shock them with horrifying pictures or telling me something surprising that will startle me, she is actually going to shock my ass. She brings this machine over, has me lay on my side and then says," I need to put these conductors on your sciatic." Translation, she is going to put sticky pads on my ass. She says, "do you mind if I put my hands down here?" I told her to do what she needed to do, how else are those things going to get on my ass? I loosen my pants and she sticks one down there..."oh, woops, that isn't the right spot," then "ripppp!" takes it off and repositions it. No worries, my ass skin isn't sensitive or anything. Thank goodness I just loofah'd it this morning. She gets me all hooked up and says, "ok, tell me when you feel the buzzing." I feel it and I tell her. She says, "ok, I'm going to turn this up, let me know when you think you can't take anymore." My eyes got big and I swallowed, "ok." She gradually increases the power. "BINGO! We're there!" I exclaimed. She says, "Ok, I'm going to leave you here for about 15-20 minutes hooked up to this." She then puts an ice pack over my hip and then rolls a little stool up to the front of me with a bell on it. She says, "If the machine malfunctions, just ring this bell." WHAT????!!! What do you mean if it malfunctions? What if it literally shocks my ass off? What if it burns a hole in it? She informs me that it probably won't, but if it does, just ring it and then someone will be in to turn it off after my time is up. I lay there, focusing on the electricity flowing into my ass. Maybe I had her leave it too high, I tried to relax and not think about it.
Anyway, I survived the treatment, the machine bell goes off and the hairy guy shows up to take my sticky pads off my ass. Just my luck. You can't send a David Beckam look a-like in there, no, you send this hairy guy, who decides to tell me, as he is digging around in my pants, that he needs a manicure. Awkward.
So, let's recap. On Wednesday, the chiropractor adjusted me in places I never thought needed adjusting, like really close to my girl parts (It was like we were a pretzel M&M, I was the chocolate and he was the pretzel. It was intense, my one leg was wrapped around him, he had me in a half-nelson and body slammed me), now today, I get assigned Kegel exercises, my ass shocked and some hairy guy digging around in my pants.
I can only conclude one thing from all this - I'm exuding some sort of sexuality and doctors can't resist. I thought they might be repulsed by fat chicks, but it turns out, I've brought sexy back.
That was the first high-point to my day. The second one was when Ambular brought her daughter Cayden in to give me a Valentine's Day present. Cayden brought me a cute pink My Little Pony. It was at this point that the big boss comes up to see what I am doing and to ask how it went at the therapist. He is on his way out for the night. He couldn't find me solving some sort of global problem or working on a mathematical equation that would double our year-end profit. No, I'm playing with a My Little Pony. He looked at me, kind of in disbelief and I said, "Look, it came with a comb and you can brush it's mane and tail." And then I sang the My Little Pony song to him. This didn't help my case. I told him, "Well, you could get one and then join the Bronies." He asked what a Brony was. I informed him it was a group of men that enjoyed My Little Ponies. He didn't believe me. He looked it up on his phone, sure enough, there it was. He looked at me like I was off my wagon. I said, "What? It isn't like I'm a member, I just heard about it..." I then told him about my trip to the therapist. Again, he just looked at me like he couldn't believe he trusted me with his passwords. He thanked me for over-sharing about my butt and the Bronies. I bid him a happy weekend. And just like that, my work week was complete.
Sweet - seems like health professionals need a session in how to state things that don't upset the patient - my wife was going in for surgery - cardiologist says right after her EKG - any chance you can postpone the surgery?" - Wife: "ah, no" - cardiologist :"well, you'll be in the hospital, so if anything happens they can handle it" - Nice doc - care to scare us anymore with that confidence in your ability to read an EKG..
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