The women's bathroom, a tragic tale...

I'm sick of crap.  And today, I mean that literally.  And I am not talking about probiotics and the side affects of them.  I'm talking about the women's bathroom at work.  I don't know what happens in there, but apparently, it ranks up there with what happens on the front-line in a war.

Yesterday, I went in to use the bathroom and I notice water all over the floor.  I soon knew why as I pushed open the stall door.  I quickly jumped back and turned my head as if I had just seen a wolverine chewing the ass out of a gimpy gazelle.  It's always the gimpy one that dies, she was probably just gimping along and then BAM! wolverine is eating her ass, but anyway, I digress. My glance into the stall was a brief one, but what I noticed was a ton of toilet paper and evidence that someone had completely cleansed their system of waste.  I don't like to think about these things, but what lead to the circumstance where that girl needed to use enough toilet paper to completely clean up an elephants ass?  My word, the girl probably needed a shower after what I saw.

Today, again, I make my trek in to use the "ladies" room and I open the stall and there is crap all over the side of the seat.  Now, stop right there. What the hell happened?  Was it an explosion of such monumental proportion that she got bucked off the seat?  Was she restless and needed to move around? Was she hovering and lost her balance? Was there not enough toilet paper so she just started rubbing on things?  I don't get it.  Do we need to install handle bars in there and maybe some foot brackets like the ones on skis or snowboards? Maybe seat belts?  I mean, at this point, this could be a safety hazard and I am passionate about safety.  I mean, as employer, are we bound by any sort of law to provide a harness for someone that can't crap in the toilets provided?  It's not really funny if it was, say, a seizure, so maybe we should install some extra precautions.  All I know is, I just needed to pee and one stall was already out of commission due to Polly Poops A Lot and her toilet paper debacle and now I can't use this other stall either.

Look, I know shit happens, but do I have to witness the aftermath?  I've seen cow pastures that were more sanitary and cows just walk and shoot poop out of there butt.  I'm concerned some of my co-workers should just switch right over to Depends because I don't know if they are fully potty trained.  Maybe I should put a note up in the stalls suggesting possible options, like, "if you have used an amount of toilet paper equal to the length of your arms and legs, please flush frequently to avoid back-ups."  Or, "If you think you may get bucked off the toilet, please use the safety belt provided."

And don't even get me started about the other stuff that happens in there, or people that don't wash their hands.  I'm about ready to start using the men's room.  I've heard it is way nicer in there, well, except I heard there is a booger collection on the wall and the janitor is taking a stand and refuses to clean it.  I can't blame her, I mean, my word, the poor girl has to be exhausted after cleaning the women's room.

Anyway, sorry this was so graphic, but when one gets ganged up on by figurative as well as literal shit, well, something's got to give. And, while I applaud all of you that use seat covers, I don't really appreciate it when you leave your butt pressed covers on the seat because you are too precious to touch your own butt scum. Seriously, people, clean up after yourselves, and if that requires a fire hose, well, there is a lever out in the hall you can pull for that to happen.

All I have to say is, if you use the women's restroom:  lather, rinse, repeat.