Love thy neighbor as you would love yourself...

Ever have one of those days where you wake up and look in the mirror and say, "Damn, what happened over night?"  Suddenly my hair looks shorter, but I didn't cut it, so that leaves one possibility, my face got fatter.  It's possible I'm retaining water in my face, but it is also possible I am retaining cellulite in my face...and some new wrinkles...and don't get me started on my right eye that has been watering for a week.  I'm a vision of enchantment for sure.  I'm a little over a month away from turning 40, so my self loathing is on high alert lately. I'm checking for all the signs that I am now officially old....and fatter. 

After coming to terms with the fact that I am one day closer to receiving the AARP pamphlets, I get ready for work and proceed with the day.  I pack left-over homemade chili for lunch, saying a little prayer the probiotics don't freak out over this decision.  I stop for a hot chocolate on the way in, knowing I shouldn't, but since I need to start considering wearing Depends and orthopedic shoes by Dr. Scholls, I figure, why not?

I arrive at work and within moments I just know this day is going to suck. At this point, I don't like to consider it pessimism, I consider it an educated guess.  I'm not psychic, I'm just open to what the universe has to offer, and clearly, today it's offering shit in a shot glass. I had no intention of doing shots today, but I have people, right off the bat sending me emails with words like "URGENT"  or "Must be completed by noon EST."  Do these people realize that piss poor planning on their part does not constitute an emergency on my part?  They may realize it, but they don't care, so I take care of business accordingly.  Then I open my bosses email. A life decision I wish I could take back.  I have been arguing with one of our departments.  I won't say which one to protect the idiots that run it.  I have been telling them I cannot get this one system to work for my boss.  They keep giving me scripted answers.  It's like they aren't even reading my emails.  After calling the "Help" desk and sending numerous emails, I am getting no where.  I was actually pretty snotty in the last email sending them screen shots of what was occurring.  I figured this would settle it.  Finally, they would see what the problem was.  This "Who's on First" Three Stooges routine would finally end.  I opened the response to the email and my mouth dropped open. It was the same scripted answer. My boss and one other manager was standing at my desk.  I stuttered, I stammered, my blood pressure was at an all time high.  I used elaborate hand gestures and the screeching monkey voice.  I dropped the MF bomb.  I looked at my boss and said, "those idiots just made me drop the mother f.... bomb."  I took a deep cleansing breath and calmed down...for about 15 seconds and then went on another tirade.  Then my other boss came up and I explained to him, pointing my finger at him, "I'm telling you right now...if I don't get paid....there will be HELL to pay."  He is a pretty calm guy.  He said, "what do you need me to do? You need me to get involved?"  Do you think asking him to bust some knee caps was going too far? 

Anyway, a variety of other issues came up, most of which I handled.  After all, it was another new hire day.  I do love a day when we start a new class of employees.  Seeing people with hope and a gleam in their eyes.  It's so cute when they are new.  It's always fun for me to see how long it takes for the gleam to dissipate and for reality to set in.  I also like to predict who the problem children will be.  I'm a pretty good guess at this. Oh, and I never tire of hearing people whine about their badge pictures.  One girl almost threw up on my shoe after I had taken two pictures of her, apparently she wasn't feeling well.  I looked at the camera and had to giggle at the two different pictures I had to chose from, but I wasn't getting puked on, so I said, "looks good" and smiled sweetly.  I felt a little bad because she kinda looks like she is jacked up on something, but then I remembered, it wasn't my badge, so what do I care? On a side note, I would also like to say, I don't like it when I talk to people and I don't know what eye to look at because they are all googly and going two different directions.  I'm not saying that happened today, but if it did, I wouldn't have liked it. You know, biblically speaking, I know you should love your neighbor as you love yourself, but if you read my first paragraph again, I think it is pretty clear I am loving my neighbor just like I love myself.  I think this is a biblical loop hole where I may still be able to get into heaven.

Here's hoping tomorrow my hair looks longer again.