I don't want to be 40

So, I have been thinking a lot about turning 40 in November. I'm just going to come out and say it, it isn't going to be pretty. I think it is going to hit me hard.  I've been thinking, if I am going to hold on to any sort of youth, I need to fulfill some sort of young people bucket list. 

Let's start with a tattoo. I am thinking a picture of an angry little pony on my ass.  I don't want a tramp stamp on my back or anything on my ankle, so, I think my ass is the best place.  Then again, what if I am a victim of a fire and my face is severely burned and they need to take a skin graph from my ass?  That could be problematic if I had a slightly melted angry pony on my face or neck.  Maybe the tattoo is a bad idea, but tempting.

I guess if I don't get a tattoo, I could get some other part of my body (other than my ears) pierced.  Let's start with something sensible, yet sexy, like my belly button.  I mean, no one sees it, but if I am getting older and trying to relive my youth, I may need to start dressing trampy, so maybe people would see it.  I could put a little string on it and then I could pull it when I get out of the shower and it would drain my belly button.  I might be on to something here.

Now let's talk about my wardrobe.  I'm going to need some sparkly clothes, possibly a short dress or skirt.  And my shirts need to be low-cut.  Let's be real, it will have to be low cut if anyone is going to see anything, that's where the girls are hanging out lately...low.  That reminds me, I'm going to need a boob job.  Maybe Will can finance one for my birthday.  I'll start a fund, maybe add a link on my FB or blog where people can donate to the cause.  I'm going to need some hair extensions and more make-up.  I'm also going to need to have the kind of sex Cosmo talks about.  I need to get Will an appointment at the doctor to make sure he is healthy enough for this type of activity.  I will go ahead and add a few "supplements" into his normal vitamin routine.

I guess I'm not having kids at this ripe old age, so I also need a purse for my little dog to fit in when I go shopping.  Spanky will have to start wearing sweaters.  This will be an adjustment for him, but I can't have him looking ghetto.  Since it's all about image, what about botox?  There is no reason to be wrinkly or let my lips go down the drain. Plus, then there is no pressure to smile because people understand that I can't anyway, or I could say, "I AM smiling!" and they would never know the difference.  I'm also going to need some adventure, like a cruise, and a red convertible car.  Oh, and more diamonds. And a stable boy...I mean, I don't have a swimming pool, so I will need to improvise.

I don't know that any of these things will really make me feel younger, but they sure might distract me. I think it is worth trying my plan before we resort to anything dramatic like counseling, anti-depressants, or God forbid, acceptance that I am middle-aged. Let's not get carried away.

Yes, 40 is going to be tough....I will need to think more on this bucket list....