Spider-Bob Scare Pants

I have battled the slugs all summer.  I have feared for my life, wondering if they were going to put me in a slug slime cocoon, but lately, they have been quiet and today I know why.  They have enlisted the spider minions to torture me while they regroup.  I don't mean to be "over-dramatic" but I was almost killed by a spider this morning.  I was minding my own business, just taking a shower.  I step out, grab my towel off the hook and step over in front of the sink.  I'm rubbing my face, looking in the mirror thinking my hair is looking pretty rough all wet and tangled, and then I look down and see a spider.  Not just any spider, but a spider of size and stature that he could have picked me up by my big toe and body slammed me to the ground.  He was that big, that ferocious. I screamed and backed up.  Where the hell did he come from, I didn't see him when I first got out of the shower. That means, he was probably on my towel and I could have easily wiped his spider body all over my body.  I felt like I was going to throw up. Will came in to assess the situation after I screamed.  Even he had to admit, that was a damn big spider.  I am screaming at him, "Kill him, kill him!!! Don't let him get under the washing machine! HURRY!!!"  Will didn't share my sense of urgency so I continued to act like a hysterical sissy until he handled it.  He calmly grabs toilet paper, picks him up and puts him in the toilet and flushes. In Will's mind, problem solved.

Now, I don't mean to be paranoid, but do we really know that spider is dead?  I mean, who is to say he isn't a good swimmer?  I didn't see spider guts, so in my mind, he could have made it.  I could be sitting there, peeing, minding my own business and I could feel a tickle and it is the spider on my butt.  We don't know that isn't going to happen.  We don't know that he isn't going to crawl out of that toilet like Bruce Willis in Die Hard and come seek revenge on me. "Yippe-ki-ya Mutha F....r's!"  And, he is a spider, he has family, he has friends, I've seen them with their spidey webs all over.  I know they could take me.  They could wrap me up and have a celebration like the Ewoks in Star Wars with Han Solo hanging over a fire.  We don't know that the danger isn't real.  I'm not even joking around here. 

What really pisses me off here is that there is plenty of room UNDER the house.  It's all creepy and just the way spiders like.  Why they gotta come in here?  Why they gotta scare me?  Was it some sort of spider frat party and this was his challenge?  Let's call him Spider-Bob Scare Pants.  Spider Bob is hanging out with his buddies (literally hanging from his web) and they were like, "Hey, Spider-Bob, if you think you're so cool, why don't you go scare the 'ol lady upstairs?"  And then, Spider-Bob is all, like, "you think I can't?  Look at these legs, I'll make her pee herself."  And the other spiders were like, "Yeah, but you could get killed, that lady is a psycho."  Spider-Bob is unafraid and makes the journey, which leads us to this morning.

What all this means now is that I am going to have to do a complete bathroom scan before I get in the shower again and I am going to have to shake my towel to make sure I am alone.  And, I'm going to have to start hovering over the toilet instead of sitting, just to be safe.  Tomorrow I will have to go to the gym and start working on my calf muscles.  Maybe have Will install some sort of handle bars for balance.  I'm just trying to be smart about this.  I realize there are people that have to worry about being eaten by bears or lions or tigers or something, but people underestimate spiders.  They are evil and I know it. I will remain alert and vigilant, and might I suggest you do the same.  It's every man for themselves.