My underwear is in training for the Boston Marathon

I don't think the average guy has any idea what women go through when they get dressed in the morning.  Even if you are one of the girls that puts on holey jeans, a sweatshirt and some slippers, some sort of thought went into that.  If you are a girl that is not blessed with a model body, you have even more of a challenge ahead.  Today was a challenging day for me.  And, if you are a guy reading this, I'm just going to come out and tell you, everything you read beyond this point will be an over-share.

I decided to wear a skirt today.  It's a long skirt, so it covers my chubby legs. I wore these legging things underneath the skirt and then my boots that go to just under my knee.  My upper body ensemble wasn't too bad, just a sparkly top and a simple blazer.  It seems simple, yes? The problem with this little ensemble begins with the undergarments.  When you are a fat girl, you need some serious foundation.  This is where the FCD comes in (for those of you unfamiliar with this term it is the Fat Controlling Device, aka, a girdle thingy).  The FCD is kind of spandex-y and looks like a tank top.  Today, when I paired this with the legging thingys, tragedy followed.  You see, the geniuses at Lane Bryant that made the leggings bank on the fact that if you are fat, you are also an amazon woman, like your torso is approximately five feet in length.  So, I've got the waist band of my leggings up under my boobs and  I've got the FCD over that.  It seemed like a viable plan. Turns out, this was bad.  The leggings slid down, taking my underwear with it, the FCD shifted up and the waistband of my skirt didn't know where in the hell to go.  Now, to add insult to injury, the top of my boots kept sliding down (the top of my boots are a mixture of thin leather and some sort of strappy things). 

Early on, I told Valerie, "I'm going to the bathroom, I'm getting everything locked down and then I am not drinking any water today, so I don't have to go through this again."  It seemed like a plan.  I was wrong.  I walked around tugging, pulling and begging my clothes to stay put all day. I looked like I had some sort of nervous twitch that involved pulling at my underwear constantly. My clothes didn't care, they were going to drive me crazy all day.  My underwear ran more miles up and down my ass than someone preparing for the Boston marathon. By the afternoon, I thought I might cry.  I headed to the bathroom to try one more time to get things under control. By the time I was walking back to my desk, everything was already on the move again.  I spotted Valerie walking towards me. She said, "I was just coming to look for you, I was worried that your clothes got the best of you in there!"  They had.  I gave up. 

My lessons from today are as follows: Boots are not sexy...on me.  Leggings seem like a good idea...for other people. That skirt...needs a belt.  The FCD...is not my friend.  Days like today are the reason why fat girls give in and buy a mu-mu...and Crocs.

Tomorrow I am not going to try and do anything fancy.  I'm too exhausted.