TGIF! Adventures of the love wand and pink unicorns

The phrase TGIF could not be more true than it was today.  Thank goodness it's Friday.  Why, I woke up giddy and excited for the day! (insert the sound of a needle dragging across a record)  If you know me, you know that statement is a bunch of capital B, capital S.

Let's cut through the crap, I had to get up extra early and be at the doctor for a "girlie" ultrasound.  That's right, by 6:15am, I was to have consumed 32 oz of water and then drive my merry ass to the clinic, by 7am, to have some woman I didn't know get the "love wand" out and have her way with me. Never mind, I had to pee,  she couldn't find my left ovary.  Apparently it was hiding. Duh, I'm fat, it could be anywhere in there. For all I know, the sheer weight of my stomach could have pushed it down into the layers of fat in my ass. I'm not so sure Madam Technician didn't shove the love wand down there. Why don't we send Jaques Cousteau down there in a submarine for crying out loud.  It's just my uterus, don't mind me.  TGIF indeed.

Fortunately, from there the day looked up.  I mean, how could it have gotten any worse?  When you start the day like that, seriously, barring a colonoscopy appointment, I don't see how it could have gotten worse.  Anyhoosle, both my bosses were out of the office and several other key players had the day off, so it was quiet.  I actually got some stuff done.

My day really started to look up when I ran to Display and Costume to purchase butcher paper for the bulletin boards.  I found what I needed and rang the little bell really loud, just like the sign said to, and some blonde girl comes back and asks me what I need.  I tell her I need two 14 foot pieces of the red paper and then two eight foot pieces of the blue paper.  She seemed overwhelmed.  "Do you have more shopping to do?" she asked nervously.  I told her I could browse a bit while she cut it, no problem.  I wandered and wandered and then I hear her say, "She said she wants TWO 14 foot pieces of the red...." her voice sounded stressed.  I continued to walk around, taking in all the stuff the store had to offer.  It was taking forever, so I found myself really taking in every corner of the store.  And then it was as if heaven above shown down upon me.  I saw the light, I heard the angels...right in front of me were pink unicorn bandages. It was the mother-load.  I had to have some.  I don't know how much they cost, and I don't care. I have pink pony band-aids and you don't!  HA!  Then, as if my day had not been blessed enough, there it was, a two pack of white pony heads with pink manes.  They were key toppers.  With the recent loss of my pony key chain, I could not believe my luck.  It was as if I had been healed. Like, life might not suck that bad afterall.  I bought them too.  Then I spotted French Fry flavored lip gloss.  Good Lord, where was I?  I felt dirty.  It was like I was in fat-girl-pony-loving heaven and then french fries showed up.  I started to feel faint.  I needed to get out of there.

What the heck was that paper cutting girl doing? Was she measuring with a Fischer Price tape measure from Toys R Us that only measures out 6 inches? I wandered back there again.  She had someone helping her and I heard her make some comment about how it was cutting. The red was finally done and now she was on the blue.  I had no idea cutting butcher paper was so complex.  Thank goodness my job isn't that stressful.  I don't think I could take it.

I wandered some more.  I almost bought a Christmas card with a pug dog humping Santa's leg, but then opted not to.  I mean, as amusing as that was, I needed to stay focused.  I finally spied "the cutter" walking towards me with her arms full of my paper.  About time.  I looked at the two rolled up pieces and almost dropped my mouth open, but recovered.  If my dog had gnawed on that butcher paper for an hour, it would have looked better.  If she had not used scissors at all, it would have looked better.  What happened back there?  Was she possessed? Did she have a seizure? Is she legally blind? Was she cutting while jogging on a treadmill?  Nervous twitch?  My word, it was horrifying.  None the less, I paid for my paper and then really freaked out the cashier when I said, "And I want to purchase this separately" as I pointed to my pony essentials.  The girl behind me glared at me.  Quite frankly, I didn't care because nothing, and I do mean nothing, could have stopped me from buying those unicorn bandages and those pony key topper things.  I couldn't exactly put that on the company credit card.  I can imagine explaining how that was helpful to our call center on my expense report.  As essential as it was for me, I doubt the VP would agree.  Anyway, I finished with my second transaction and the hag behind me with her Mickey Mouse ears almost pushes me out of the way as I'm grabbing my stuff.  If I hadn't been on a pink pony high, that bitch would have been permanently wearing the magical world of Disney up her ass.

I returned to work with the goods, did some more work and then decided I'd had enough.  I had already put 40+ hours in this week, I was leaving while the sun was still out and while I could make it home before dark. It was at this point, it truly was, TGIF.