Any day that starts out with an all-out melt-down at 5AM is not going to be a good day. I knew it, Will knew it and soon, the world would know it.
I have surgery scheduled for next Monday and in order to be ready, I still need to lose a few more pounds. In the last 10 days, I have lost approx 13 pounds, but the doctor has a target weight he would like me to be at in order to have surgery in the surgery center, instead of the hospital. Let's just say, this morning, in spite of all of my efforts, I was up a pound. I LOST. MY. MIND. Are you freaking kidding me? I have been perfect, I haven't even thought about an M&M or potato chip. I have gone to the gym, I have consumed nearly a gallon of water a day, I have cut carbs out of my life and now this blatant disregard for my efforts being thrust in my face by that damn weight watchers scale?! I hate your guts! Mother trucker! How am I going to reach my goal? What is it going to take? What if I don't make my goal and they cancel the surgery? This is SERIOUS!!! Will came over and placed a hand on me and said that he loved me and was sorry. He then left for work like a man that had just been let out of prison after a 25 year sentence. He was gone. Smart man.
After reining in the tantrum, I headed in to work. I shared with a few people what my issue was. Everyone had ideas on how I could lose weight fast. Some of their ideas seemed drastic. I was skeptical about some of them, but I had other problems to deal with. I had an ultrasound scheduled this afternoon at 2:30PM. The doctor wanted to see my gall bladder one more time before making the decision to take it out or not. My instructions were to not eat anything until after my ultrasound and to consume 24 oz of water one hour prior to the appointment and not pee after drinking those 24oz. I hate those instructions. Oh, and today just happened to be a big 'ol Thanksgiving potluck, so all I smell all day is food. You people kill me! Anyway, I started in on my daily water intake right away and by 1:30pm had consumed 96oz of water. 24 of those ounces had been consumed without peeing. Off to my appointment I go. After waiting until an agonizing 2:40pm, the lab tech came out and got me. She asked me how I was doing. I said, "other than wanting to pee myself, I'm fine." She says, "oh really? Do you want to use the bathroom before we do this?" WHAT???? I told her how I was instructed to drink the water and not pee. She says, "Oh, not sure why they would have told you that, it isn't necessary for what we are doing today." Seriously? I wanted to punch her in the head. I mean, it wasn't her fault, but someone had to pay. I was almost crying it hurt so bad. I ran to the bathroom and peed with abandon. It was almost the best feeling ever.
So, once that appointment was done, I stopped by my natureopathic doctor's office and talked to Diet Barbie. I asked her what I should do about this weight loss dilemma. She said, "Well, what has everyone else suggested?" I listed off the ideas: water pills, laxatives, colon cleanse, Hollywood diet, wrap at Desert Sun tanning salon, time in the sauna, use a sauna suit, stop drinking water, drink more water, cabbage soup diet, eat nothing but water and raspberries, eat fruit an water only, and work out like a maniac. The doctor considered this an said, yeah, most of those, please don't. She said she has a friend that does a Colonic before every vacation so her tummy looks flat. At this point, it would take one hell of a colonic to make mine flat. I considered it. Did I really want someone sticking something up my butt and roto-rootering it out? I don't think I'm ready for that. She also said she had tried the wrap at a Desert Sun tanning salon and the girls were not trained and had the heat on so high it almost left burns all over her. Great, if that happened to me, the whole place would start smelling like bacon and then people would start coming out of their tanning beds asking where they could get their bacon. No, those ideas won't work.
After much discussion, we decided I would try the sauna suit and I would do a Fleet laxative. The sauna suit is basically a suit made out of a plastic bag that is supposed to make you sweat the water out. Ideally, you should use it with exercise. I'm not so sure I will wear it at the gym, as fashionable as it is, but I might wear it here at home and see what I can do to work up a sweat. You know, like clean the horse stalls and clean house or maybe use the Wii and workout. Probably not a good idea to use it during sex, though. Sounds hazardous for geriatric folks like us. Will might be a cowboy, but if I was in a sauna suit, he would have problems holding on for eight seconds, for sure. Anyway, after some additional discussion, we decided I should not use the sauna suit while under the influence of a laxative. I don't need to crap myself while in a plastic suit. It just sounds...problematic and unsanitary. Speaking of the laxative, I'm not super excited about it. I've never had to use one before. I'm not sure how it is going to work. I mean, will I crap myself suddenly? Or will I be sitting there and my stomach cramps into one horrendous knot and then I explode? We decided I had better do this on Saturday when I could stay home and not have any plans. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared. What if the laxative doesn't kick in until I have surgery on Monday? What if I crap myself on the operating table? That isn't sanitary. Then, I wake up and I'm wearing an adult diaper and the nurses all hate me. I mean, if I am going to wear a diaper, I want one of those My Little Pony diapers, those are awesome. I want to be stylish. Besides, who is going to make fun of a fat girl in a pony diaper? Most people would be speechless, I would assume. I wonder if they even make a pony diaper in my size.
So, in conclusion, on Saturday, don't call me, don't come see me and for crying out loud, don't ask to use the bathroom, Will. Go outside. Here's hoping this takes care of those last few pesky pounds. Oh, and if I do crap myself, I will try to not blog about it. But, if I do end up wearing a pony diaper, there will be pictures to follow.
Wish me luck!
Rockin the Sauna Suit...
I have surgery scheduled for next Monday and in order to be ready, I still need to lose a few more pounds. In the last 10 days, I have lost approx 13 pounds, but the doctor has a target weight he would like me to be at in order to have surgery in the surgery center, instead of the hospital. Let's just say, this morning, in spite of all of my efforts, I was up a pound. I LOST. MY. MIND. Are you freaking kidding me? I have been perfect, I haven't even thought about an M&M or potato chip. I have gone to the gym, I have consumed nearly a gallon of water a day, I have cut carbs out of my life and now this blatant disregard for my efforts being thrust in my face by that damn weight watchers scale?! I hate your guts! Mother trucker! How am I going to reach my goal? What is it going to take? What if I don't make my goal and they cancel the surgery? This is SERIOUS!!! Will came over and placed a hand on me and said that he loved me and was sorry. He then left for work like a man that had just been let out of prison after a 25 year sentence. He was gone. Smart man.
After reining in the tantrum, I headed in to work. I shared with a few people what my issue was. Everyone had ideas on how I could lose weight fast. Some of their ideas seemed drastic. I was skeptical about some of them, but I had other problems to deal with. I had an ultrasound scheduled this afternoon at 2:30PM. The doctor wanted to see my gall bladder one more time before making the decision to take it out or not. My instructions were to not eat anything until after my ultrasound and to consume 24 oz of water one hour prior to the appointment and not pee after drinking those 24oz. I hate those instructions. Oh, and today just happened to be a big 'ol Thanksgiving potluck, so all I smell all day is food. You people kill me! Anyway, I started in on my daily water intake right away and by 1:30pm had consumed 96oz of water. 24 of those ounces had been consumed without peeing. Off to my appointment I go. After waiting until an agonizing 2:40pm, the lab tech came out and got me. She asked me how I was doing. I said, "other than wanting to pee myself, I'm fine." She says, "oh really? Do you want to use the bathroom before we do this?" WHAT???? I told her how I was instructed to drink the water and not pee. She says, "Oh, not sure why they would have told you that, it isn't necessary for what we are doing today." Seriously? I wanted to punch her in the head. I mean, it wasn't her fault, but someone had to pay. I was almost crying it hurt so bad. I ran to the bathroom and peed with abandon. It was almost the best feeling ever.
So, once that appointment was done, I stopped by my natureopathic doctor's office and talked to Diet Barbie. I asked her what I should do about this weight loss dilemma. She said, "Well, what has everyone else suggested?" I listed off the ideas: water pills, laxatives, colon cleanse, Hollywood diet, wrap at Desert Sun tanning salon, time in the sauna, use a sauna suit, stop drinking water, drink more water, cabbage soup diet, eat nothing but water and raspberries, eat fruit an water only, and work out like a maniac. The doctor considered this an said, yeah, most of those, please don't. She said she has a friend that does a Colonic before every vacation so her tummy looks flat. At this point, it would take one hell of a colonic to make mine flat. I considered it. Did I really want someone sticking something up my butt and roto-rootering it out? I don't think I'm ready for that. She also said she had tried the wrap at a Desert Sun tanning salon and the girls were not trained and had the heat on so high it almost left burns all over her. Great, if that happened to me, the whole place would start smelling like bacon and then people would start coming out of their tanning beds asking where they could get their bacon. No, those ideas won't work.
After much discussion, we decided I would try the sauna suit and I would do a Fleet laxative. The sauna suit is basically a suit made out of a plastic bag that is supposed to make you sweat the water out. Ideally, you should use it with exercise. I'm not so sure I will wear it at the gym, as fashionable as it is, but I might wear it here at home and see what I can do to work up a sweat. You know, like clean the horse stalls and clean house or maybe use the Wii and workout. Probably not a good idea to use it during sex, though. Sounds hazardous for geriatric folks like us. Will might be a cowboy, but if I was in a sauna suit, he would have problems holding on for eight seconds, for sure. Anyway, after some additional discussion, we decided I should not use the sauna suit while under the influence of a laxative. I don't need to crap myself while in a plastic suit. It just sounds...problematic and unsanitary. Speaking of the laxative, I'm not super excited about it. I've never had to use one before. I'm not sure how it is going to work. I mean, will I crap myself suddenly? Or will I be sitting there and my stomach cramps into one horrendous knot and then I explode? We decided I had better do this on Saturday when I could stay home and not have any plans. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared. What if the laxative doesn't kick in until I have surgery on Monday? What if I crap myself on the operating table? That isn't sanitary. Then, I wake up and I'm wearing an adult diaper and the nurses all hate me. I mean, if I am going to wear a diaper, I want one of those My Little Pony diapers, those are awesome. I want to be stylish. Besides, who is going to make fun of a fat girl in a pony diaper? Most people would be speechless, I would assume. I wonder if they even make a pony diaper in my size.
So, in conclusion, on Saturday, don't call me, don't come see me and for crying out loud, don't ask to use the bathroom, Will. Go outside. Here's hoping this takes care of those last few pesky pounds. Oh, and if I do crap myself, I will try to not blog about it. But, if I do end up wearing a pony diaper, there will be pictures to follow.
Wish me luck!
Thanks a lot for this post. Laxatives is a good way to lose weight healthy way if done in right way, but most of the people take wrong way or use wrong laxatives, so that's why I have also listed top laxatives with reviews on my lose 10 pounds quickly website.
ReplyDelete