Today on my afternoon break, I wandered over to see my pal Orgasma Hair. We were chit-chatting about life, dating and how we should do a sitcom about life as we know it. Bicycle Barbie walked over and joined us as I was asking Orgasma Hair if she had read 50 Shades of Grey. She had not. This lead to a conversation about sex. I don't mind a good conversation about sex, you never know what you will learn about people. And, as the junior member of this trio, you know, I might learn what is in store for me. Not to mention, who can figure out men? I mean, as simple as they are, I still sometimes find myself baffled.
Anyway, Bicycle Barbie says she hasn't had sex in a while, except for her "boyfriend." I said, "you mean, 'B.O.B.'...you know, battery operated boyfriend?" She said no, her bicycle seat. Um, okay. Now, Bicycle Barbie is naturally thin and very fit. She rides her bike all the time. I mean, I guess I know why now, but still. For her, the seat is a spacious area where her butt is free to roam the full surface of the seat, but in reality, even when she is sitting on it, she probably still has room for a diet coke, a sleeping bag, pick axe...another person. She actually sits ON the seat. I'm sure Bicycle Barbie doesn't understand how it would go down for me and Orgasma Hair. Orgasma Hair struggles with her weight, as I do, but on a smaller scale. And, when I say struggle for Orgasma Hair, I mean on the scale, mentally, whatever. Making right choices is hard. When I say struggle in relation to myself, I mean those things, but also the physical struggle. You know, like pulling my Pranx down (or up), like rolling around on the bed like a beached whale trying to get up, like getting in a "man down" situation on the couch, like trying to get your belly button to drain after a shower - REAL STRUGGLE. I tried to explain to the ladies that if I sat on a spin bike, the whole seat would go up my ass cheeks of despair. Like, I would have to go to the hospital and get a medical assistant braced on each side grabbing on to the only thing sticking out of my butt, probably the pedals, and pulling for dear life all the while hoping they don't get sucked into the vortex of the cheeks of despair. People don't think this could happen, but it could. I think warning labels should go on those bikes. What if some pudgy chick wants to get her groove on and goes for a ride and things go horribly wrong? Then her bicycle seat is stuck up in her uterus. Being fat isn't just depressing and inconvenient, it's flat out dangerous. I keep telling you people. Seriously, this is why I do the recumbent bike. It's a spacious seat and you're not perched on anything. I mean, sure, your knees come up and punch your boobs as you pedal, but it beats a trip to the ER. I guess I will never know about bike sex. It isn't meant to be. Truly a sad day for Orgasma Hair and myself. Bicycle Barbie does seem happy most of the time. Sigh.
I returned to my desk and considered Bicycle Barbie and others of her kind, like High Heel Barbie. She was already thin and she just went on this diet for a month and dumped a bunch more weight. I'm sick of skinny people and their successes. Enough. Show off. They are all like, "Hey look at me, you can see my skeleton. Hey look at me, I had to buy all new clothes. Hey look at me, I can do anything except get fat." And, for the record, I don't really like fat people and their successes, either. I mean, really anyone successful in weight loss, I hate your guts. Eat a cheeseburger already.
For the record, I do try and lose weight. Why, just today I was down with Ass Kicker, riding the recumbent bike and working out. Also for the record, no orgasms were had by anyone I saw in the gym. Course, spin class starts at noon...it could happen.
Anyway, Bicycle Barbie says she hasn't had sex in a while, except for her "boyfriend." I said, "you mean, 'B.O.B.'...you know, battery operated boyfriend?" She said no, her bicycle seat. Um, okay. Now, Bicycle Barbie is naturally thin and very fit. She rides her bike all the time. I mean, I guess I know why now, but still. For her, the seat is a spacious area where her butt is free to roam the full surface of the seat, but in reality, even when she is sitting on it, she probably still has room for a diet coke, a sleeping bag, pick axe...another person. She actually sits ON the seat. I'm sure Bicycle Barbie doesn't understand how it would go down for me and Orgasma Hair. Orgasma Hair struggles with her weight, as I do, but on a smaller scale. And, when I say struggle for Orgasma Hair, I mean on the scale, mentally, whatever. Making right choices is hard. When I say struggle in relation to myself, I mean those things, but also the physical struggle. You know, like pulling my Pranx down (or up), like rolling around on the bed like a beached whale trying to get up, like getting in a "man down" situation on the couch, like trying to get your belly button to drain after a shower - REAL STRUGGLE. I tried to explain to the ladies that if I sat on a spin bike, the whole seat would go up my ass cheeks of despair. Like, I would have to go to the hospital and get a medical assistant braced on each side grabbing on to the only thing sticking out of my butt, probably the pedals, and pulling for dear life all the while hoping they don't get sucked into the vortex of the cheeks of despair. People don't think this could happen, but it could. I think warning labels should go on those bikes. What if some pudgy chick wants to get her groove on and goes for a ride and things go horribly wrong? Then her bicycle seat is stuck up in her uterus. Being fat isn't just depressing and inconvenient, it's flat out dangerous. I keep telling you people. Seriously, this is why I do the recumbent bike. It's a spacious seat and you're not perched on anything. I mean, sure, your knees come up and punch your boobs as you pedal, but it beats a trip to the ER. I guess I will never know about bike sex. It isn't meant to be. Truly a sad day for Orgasma Hair and myself. Bicycle Barbie does seem happy most of the time. Sigh.
I returned to my desk and considered Bicycle Barbie and others of her kind, like High Heel Barbie. She was already thin and she just went on this diet for a month and dumped a bunch more weight. I'm sick of skinny people and their successes. Enough. Show off. They are all like, "Hey look at me, you can see my skeleton. Hey look at me, I had to buy all new clothes. Hey look at me, I can do anything except get fat." And, for the record, I don't really like fat people and their successes, either. I mean, really anyone successful in weight loss, I hate your guts. Eat a cheeseburger already.
For the record, I do try and lose weight. Why, just today I was down with Ass Kicker, riding the recumbent bike and working out. Also for the record, no orgasms were had by anyone I saw in the gym. Course, spin class starts at noon...it could happen.
No comments:
Post a Comment