Disclaimer: Some of this may be a repeat from the other night when I came home, but this is the story in it's entirety as I remember now that I am out from under the fog.
I had surgery Monday, as planned. My first words after coming-to in the recovery room was, "Did anyone see the truck that hit me?" Sure enough, just like any perfect crime, no one had seen anything. Then, the doctor, the bloody fingered doctor from my pre-op appointment, came over to see how I was doing. Through my drug induced stupor, I said, "Hey, do I still have my spleen?" He looked confused and said, yes, it was still there. I said, "what about my intestines, did you cut any out?" He said they were all still there too. (If you read my earlier blog last week or so, I had concerns about this. The doctor is apparently not a follower because he had no idea what I was talking about.) Dr. Bloody Finger walked away. I think I might have scared him. It was at this moment I noticed I had a fat lip. How did that happen? I asked my nurse, "Did someone rough me up?" She didn't know anything. None of them knew anything. Sure, lie to the drugged up girl. Someone knew something. Clearly this is a job for Scooby Doo and the Mystery Machine. I think they were trying to get that damn tube down my throat and I cowgirled up on them and then a fight ensued and then someone threw a $20 into the ring and one of them jumped on me, held on for eight seconds, wrassled me and then crammed that tube down there. I can't prove it, but it is a theory.
I don't think they were prepared for my comedy routine while coming out of the anaesthesia and I think they really wanted me out of there. This little nurse comes over and tells me that as soon as I can walk, I can go home. I looked at her and said, "seriously? YOU are going to catch me if I fall?" She smiled and nodded yes. I was seriously tempted to test her upper body strength, but thought better of it since I had four incisions in my belly. Proving my point might not be in my best interest. I managed to do four laps up and down the hallway while Will took pictures of my butt almost sticking out of the hospital gown and then yelling, "She just made another left turn!" like he was calling a Nascar race. I begged him to stop. There was one other man in the recovery area, at least he seemed semi amused. We take this show on the road folks, for the right amount of medication, we can recreate this routine for your amusement!
I finally got to the safety of the truck to go home. Now, when Will signed that piece of paper saying he was the "responsible party" for my aftercare, I think there should have been some additional questions asked. As soon as I got settled in the truck, I was like, "hey, let's call people and give them a status!" Will said,"here, let me hook up the blue tooth..." A responsible person would have stopped me and advised me it was a bad idea. Not my husband. And, what made matters worse is that while I was coming out of my drug induced state, he had led me to believe I had taken a magical unicorn ride while I was in surgery. I told the nurses this in the hospital and then I proceeded to tell every person I called on the way home that I had taken a unicorn ride. And, everyone was so nice about it, they were all like, "Oh, REALLY? ?That must have been fun...." I didn't find out until the next day that I hadn't taken any special rides. It was pretty disappointing if you ask me. In addition to the unicorn ride, I had apparently invited several people to a marijuana confessional circle like on that show called That 70's Show. I apparently also said everything was "Effing Awesome." I don't really remember everything that I talked about on the ride home, but Will laughed a lot. Again, he is not a responsible party. I guess I'm lucky he didn't video it, because if my sister had picked me up, she would have for sure.
So, I've been sleeping, taking my prescribed narcotics and sleeping and basically just chillin.' I realized it might be time to stop taking my meds yesterday as I went in the bathroom to get cleaned up to make an appearance at Thanksgiving dinner and I noticed one of my pupils was huge and the other was small. I noticed I could see my full reflection in my one pupil. I was trippin' out. Seriously. I came stumbling out of the bathroom and I grabbed the phone and called my sister. Will is like, what the hell are you doing? I shooshed him. I called and Theresa answered. The following conversation took place (It helps if you have seen the movie, The Last Unicorn);
Me: Theresa! Do you remember the movie, The Last Unicorn?
T: Um, yeah....why?
Me: Do you remember how the unicorn was a unicorn until that magician guy turned her into a human because the bad guy was after her and then she was a woman and then she went to the bad guys castle where all the unicorns were being forced into the ocean but the bad guy didn't know she was really a unicorn and then she fell in love with the prince guy but then the bad guy looked into her eyes and he could see his reflection in her eyes and he was like, "why can I see my reflection in your eyes?! Why!???".... Theresa, I could be a unicorn!
T: O...M...G...what is wrong with you? What did you take?
Me: Nothing, just my ...stuff. I think I'm a unicorn.
T: You are not a unicorn. Maybe you should stop taking the medicine.
Me: I'm fine. So you don't think I'm a unicorn? I mean, I could be...
T: You are not a unicorn.
Then, I went on Facebook and posted that my pupils were different sizes and it was weird. Now the phone calls started. No one wanted to talk to me, "Let me talk to Will." Next thing I know, Will is looking for my doctor's number. I'm like, "hey, it's Thanksgiving, I don't want to go to the doctor....okay, okay, I'm not a unicorn. I mean it, I don't want to go to the doctor. Will, I'm fine, I'm not a unicorn, I mean it, I promise, I won't say it again, please don't call the doctor."
Will looked some things up online. Turns out the pupils weren't a huge deal. The side effects didn't mention anything about someone thinking they were a unicorn, so we called it a draw on that. He would just keep an eye on me.
Anyway, I survived and things are starting to become more clear. My pupils are normal again. I haven't had any narcotics for over 24 hours. Now, my tummy just hurts a lot and I'm just kind of in a haze. Apparently a tree fell down outside our house today while Will was gone at work. I didn't hear a thing. So, I guess if a tree falls and no one hears it, I guess it still really does fall because there it is, laying on the ground. I don't know why people pontificate about this question. It's too deep of a conversation for me now. Trust me, I mean, I was a unicorn yesterday, people. Baby steps.
I had surgery Monday, as planned. My first words after coming-to in the recovery room was, "Did anyone see the truck that hit me?" Sure enough, just like any perfect crime, no one had seen anything. Then, the doctor, the bloody fingered doctor from my pre-op appointment, came over to see how I was doing. Through my drug induced stupor, I said, "Hey, do I still have my spleen?" He looked confused and said, yes, it was still there. I said, "what about my intestines, did you cut any out?" He said they were all still there too. (If you read my earlier blog last week or so, I had concerns about this. The doctor is apparently not a follower because he had no idea what I was talking about.) Dr. Bloody Finger walked away. I think I might have scared him. It was at this moment I noticed I had a fat lip. How did that happen? I asked my nurse, "Did someone rough me up?" She didn't know anything. None of them knew anything. Sure, lie to the drugged up girl. Someone knew something. Clearly this is a job for Scooby Doo and the Mystery Machine. I think they were trying to get that damn tube down my throat and I cowgirled up on them and then a fight ensued and then someone threw a $20 into the ring and one of them jumped on me, held on for eight seconds, wrassled me and then crammed that tube down there. I can't prove it, but it is a theory.
I don't think they were prepared for my comedy routine while coming out of the anaesthesia and I think they really wanted me out of there. This little nurse comes over and tells me that as soon as I can walk, I can go home. I looked at her and said, "seriously? YOU are going to catch me if I fall?" She smiled and nodded yes. I was seriously tempted to test her upper body strength, but thought better of it since I had four incisions in my belly. Proving my point might not be in my best interest. I managed to do four laps up and down the hallway while Will took pictures of my butt almost sticking out of the hospital gown and then yelling, "She just made another left turn!" like he was calling a Nascar race. I begged him to stop. There was one other man in the recovery area, at least he seemed semi amused. We take this show on the road folks, for the right amount of medication, we can recreate this routine for your amusement!
I finally got to the safety of the truck to go home. Now, when Will signed that piece of paper saying he was the "responsible party" for my aftercare, I think there should have been some additional questions asked. As soon as I got settled in the truck, I was like, "hey, let's call people and give them a status!" Will said,"here, let me hook up the blue tooth..." A responsible person would have stopped me and advised me it was a bad idea. Not my husband. And, what made matters worse is that while I was coming out of my drug induced state, he had led me to believe I had taken a magical unicorn ride while I was in surgery. I told the nurses this in the hospital and then I proceeded to tell every person I called on the way home that I had taken a unicorn ride. And, everyone was so nice about it, they were all like, "Oh, REALLY? ?That must have been fun...." I didn't find out until the next day that I hadn't taken any special rides. It was pretty disappointing if you ask me. In addition to the unicorn ride, I had apparently invited several people to a marijuana confessional circle like on that show called That 70's Show. I apparently also said everything was "Effing Awesome." I don't really remember everything that I talked about on the ride home, but Will laughed a lot. Again, he is not a responsible party. I guess I'm lucky he didn't video it, because if my sister had picked me up, she would have for sure.
So, I've been sleeping, taking my prescribed narcotics and sleeping and basically just chillin.' I realized it might be time to stop taking my meds yesterday as I went in the bathroom to get cleaned up to make an appearance at Thanksgiving dinner and I noticed one of my pupils was huge and the other was small. I noticed I could see my full reflection in my one pupil. I was trippin' out. Seriously. I came stumbling out of the bathroom and I grabbed the phone and called my sister. Will is like, what the hell are you doing? I shooshed him. I called and Theresa answered. The following conversation took place (It helps if you have seen the movie, The Last Unicorn);
Me: Theresa! Do you remember the movie, The Last Unicorn?
T: Um, yeah....why?
Me: Do you remember how the unicorn was a unicorn until that magician guy turned her into a human because the bad guy was after her and then she was a woman and then she went to the bad guys castle where all the unicorns were being forced into the ocean but the bad guy didn't know she was really a unicorn and then she fell in love with the prince guy but then the bad guy looked into her eyes and he could see his reflection in her eyes and he was like, "why can I see my reflection in your eyes?! Why!???".... Theresa, I could be a unicorn!
T: O...M...G...what is wrong with you? What did you take?
Me: Nothing, just my ...stuff. I think I'm a unicorn.
T: You are not a unicorn. Maybe you should stop taking the medicine.
Me: I'm fine. So you don't think I'm a unicorn? I mean, I could be...
T: You are not a unicorn.
Then, I went on Facebook and posted that my pupils were different sizes and it was weird. Now the phone calls started. No one wanted to talk to me, "Let me talk to Will." Next thing I know, Will is looking for my doctor's number. I'm like, "hey, it's Thanksgiving, I don't want to go to the doctor....okay, okay, I'm not a unicorn. I mean it, I don't want to go to the doctor. Will, I'm fine, I'm not a unicorn, I mean it, I promise, I won't say it again, please don't call the doctor."
Will looked some things up online. Turns out the pupils weren't a huge deal. The side effects didn't mention anything about someone thinking they were a unicorn, so we called it a draw on that. He would just keep an eye on me.
Anyway, I survived and things are starting to become more clear. My pupils are normal again. I haven't had any narcotics for over 24 hours. Now, my tummy just hurts a lot and I'm just kind of in a haze. Apparently a tree fell down outside our house today while Will was gone at work. I didn't hear a thing. So, I guess if a tree falls and no one hears it, I guess it still really does fall because there it is, laying on the ground. I don't know why people pontificate about this question. It's too deep of a conversation for me now. Trust me, I mean, I was a unicorn yesterday, people. Baby steps.
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