I've got a couple of situations going on that are really making the pony angry. I know by now, the way I go on about my body, that I must sound hideous. I mean, like if I was missing and Will gave a sketch artist a description based on my blog insights, I can only imagine how I might appear. You know, that is almost fun enough to be an experiment....anyway, I digress.
So, the two things that are a real kill-joy right now are my waist and my boobs. I know, shocker on the second one. What is so wrong with my body that my underwear only slides down on the right hand side? Like, it's ridiculous. I walk around like I have a serious condition pulling at them. And then, my bra rides up on my left boob. So then I am tugging at that. Clearly I'm lop-sided. These issues drive me crazy. I think if I cut up a suspender and clip it to my left cup on my bra and then connect the other end down to my right side of my underwear, I think this could solve my problem. It might be awkward, but it might just work.
This situation got me to thinking about the other body issues I have. It's like Cher said in Clueless, "She's a Monae. From far away she is pretty, but you get up close and she's a big 'ol mess." Let's start at the top and work our way down. First, the left side of my hair curls real easy, but the hair on my right side of my head doesn't like to curl and then it breaks off super easy. With my eyes, one eye lid is a little bigger than the other one. The rest of my face is pretty symmetrical and zits feel free to inhabit all areas equally. My boobs. Well, obviously the left one is smaller than the right one, because it can't even keep the bra in place. My gut. The left side is a little bigger than the right side, completely opposite of my boobs. What the hell? My hands, of course my fingers are all different sizes on both hands. It's like picking up a handful of baby carrots. My legs. According to the chiropractor, one leg is shorter than the other. He keeps adjusting me and fixing me, but it keeps going back to the way it was. My feet. My right foot is bigger than my left. This is a real pisser when it comes to finding the perfect shoes. I know what you are thinking, "stop already, stop seducing me with all your hot body talk." I know, I know. Calm down. I am off the market. My husband took all this in at some point and said, "I gotta have myself a girl like that."
In other news, a woman at work came up to me today and said, "I've been meaning to tell you all day, you look soft and fluffy." At first I was like, did she just call me out as looking like the Pillsbury Dough Boy and being flatulent? Then, after further discussion, come to find out she was talking about my hair. I'd like to make a request to anyone out there. Just for once, instead of being called soft and fluffy, I'd like someone to say, "your abs are rock hard and you have hot Victoria Secret hair." I know it's a lie, but just do it. Someone. Anyone.
I guess that is enough over-sharing for one night.
Does anyone else think my lips look crooked too? I forgot to mention that.
So, the two things that are a real kill-joy right now are my waist and my boobs. I know, shocker on the second one. What is so wrong with my body that my underwear only slides down on the right hand side? Like, it's ridiculous. I walk around like I have a serious condition pulling at them. And then, my bra rides up on my left boob. So then I am tugging at that. Clearly I'm lop-sided. These issues drive me crazy. I think if I cut up a suspender and clip it to my left cup on my bra and then connect the other end down to my right side of my underwear, I think this could solve my problem. It might be awkward, but it might just work.
This situation got me to thinking about the other body issues I have. It's like Cher said in Clueless, "She's a Monae. From far away she is pretty, but you get up close and she's a big 'ol mess." Let's start at the top and work our way down. First, the left side of my hair curls real easy, but the hair on my right side of my head doesn't like to curl and then it breaks off super easy. With my eyes, one eye lid is a little bigger than the other one. The rest of my face is pretty symmetrical and zits feel free to inhabit all areas equally. My boobs. Well, obviously the left one is smaller than the right one, because it can't even keep the bra in place. My gut. The left side is a little bigger than the right side, completely opposite of my boobs. What the hell? My hands, of course my fingers are all different sizes on both hands. It's like picking up a handful of baby carrots. My legs. According to the chiropractor, one leg is shorter than the other. He keeps adjusting me and fixing me, but it keeps going back to the way it was. My feet. My right foot is bigger than my left. This is a real pisser when it comes to finding the perfect shoes. I know what you are thinking, "stop already, stop seducing me with all your hot body talk." I know, I know. Calm down. I am off the market. My husband took all this in at some point and said, "I gotta have myself a girl like that."
In other news, a woman at work came up to me today and said, "I've been meaning to tell you all day, you look soft and fluffy." At first I was like, did she just call me out as looking like the Pillsbury Dough Boy and being flatulent? Then, after further discussion, come to find out she was talking about my hair. I'd like to make a request to anyone out there. Just for once, instead of being called soft and fluffy, I'd like someone to say, "your abs are rock hard and you have hot Victoria Secret hair." I know it's a lie, but just do it. Someone. Anyone.
I guess that is enough over-sharing for one night.
Does anyone else think my lips look crooked too? I forgot to mention that.
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