This has been a crazy week so far. Weird stuff happening, thick fog that won't go away for days, people doing weird stuff in the bathroom, it makes me feel like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Seriously going to lose it, especially if the fog doesn't lift. I'm going to need to find an axe and keep it handy.
I'll give you an example of the shenanigans. Yesterday, I'm minding my own business and I get an email from the credit card company for my corporate card. Apparently, they suspect fraud on my account. Weird. I call and sure enough, someone has racked up $2400 in charges with my card. Mind you, the card is in my possession, so how did they get the credit card number? And, it's stuff like monthly charges and protection plans, etc. Rest assured, if I was going to scam my company, I would not waste it on items like mortgage protection plans. Mama would be gettin' some new shoes, some kick ass clothes, some stuff for the ponies...I mean, if I'm going down, I'm gonna buy some FUN stuff. At any rate, that set the tone.
Not to be out-done by fraud, I was walking over to the mini fridge to get some water and I smell something so horrible, I want to puke. Did someone shit their pants? Did someone die and we just don't know? Does someone need a shower? I needed a second opinion. I called over Cross Fit Crazy and the Daily Incident King (DIK). I asked them both if they smelled anything. We opened both mini-fridges and deduced that wasn't it. After a lot of sniffing and lip curling, we decided the only thing it can be is something dead is in the cubicle walls. Now, I just did the headcount report and all employees are accounted for, so before anyone accuses me of anything, no one died at my hand. We figured it must be a rodent. Well, what the hell am I supposed to do about that? I can see it now, I put a ticket in claiming, "Either someone shit their pants or something is dead...somewhere, can you come take a sniff and bring some tools?" I don't think that is going to fly. I wonder how long it takes for rotting rodents to just turn to hair and skeleton and stop smelling? I think we are about to find out. I'll keep you posted.
Gross things seem to be the theme this week. I was at home earlier this week minding my own business (again) when I get notified via Facebook that someone has defiled the bathroom. I don't know how it happened, but somewhere along the lines I became the bathroom ambassador. Every time something goes wrong in there, I get an email, a ping, a FB update, a phone call, a visit to my desk...how did the bathroom become my problem? Sure, I have sent out a few etiquette emails, that have done no good, by the way, but that doesn't mean all this stuff is my problem. I guess I am wrong about that. So, anyway, no one tells me what happened, but apparently someone defiled one of my signs requesting people to clean up after themselves. Apparently it was too horrifying to tell me what it was, but suffice to say, it was horrific. Okay, I'm fine not knowing. I've seen shit on the floor, blood all over, "Fuck You" written in lipstick on the toilet seat, I've seen piss all over the seat, etc. Really, what could surprise me at this point? Well, I come in yesterday and Sassy Pants comes over and shows me the picture she took of the "defilement." Disclaimer: If you have low tolerance for gross, stop reading. The defiler had shoved a wad of tissue paper up her "tunnel of trouble" while she was riding the crimson wave, taken it out and then shoved it inside the plastic sheet protector which housed my note about being neat in the bathroom and disposing of feminine products appropriately. Who does that? What kind of classless loser does that? We aren't in middle school, we are adults. Adults that should be able to get the shit in the toilet, not pee on the seat and keep Aunt Flo and her bi-products under control and be civilized. Guh-ross.
Then, to add insult to injury, today, minding my own business (yet again), my screen lights up on my computer, "Cassondra, the toilet in stall one is plugged." "Cassondra, the toilet exploded, what should we do?" "Cassondra, there is water all over in the bathroom." I am not the high priestess of bathroom maintenance. I could give a shit less, however, I make a call and send out an email telling the troops to relax, help is on the way. Apparently, someone had taken a dump of monumental proportion and used enough toilet paper to wipe an elephants ass and the toilet just couldn't take it anymore.
It wasn't long and the building maintenance dude calls me back advising me it is safe to shit with confidence again in good 'ol stall number one. However, he has a complaint from the janitor. The janitor, that spends the majority of his day on his cell phone, on break, taking selfies or not cleaning has apparently been recently reprimanded, because he has stepped up his efforts. So much so, the bathroom is often closed for cleaning. Apparently the bitches of the glass palace cannot wait to get in there and take their wadded up blood burritos and attach them to the signs, pee on the seat and then leave feces on the floor, so they are hassling the janitor when he is trying to clean it. Seriously? He might be a bit lazy, but that crazy bastard comes back to work every day knowing that he is going to see nothing short of an animal sacrifice in that bathroom daily and we are going to run him off? Really? Stupid bathroom bitches. I don't care if you have a semi-truck load of feces traveling down the track of your intestines and it's race day, do not hassle the man cleaning up the dirtiest place on earth!!!
I'm exhausted doing all this bathroom monitoring. I told my boss that from now on, we don't conduct skills testing for job aptitude. Screw that. We put them through a bathroom simulator test. For example, if they see a sign that says "clean up after yourself" and it makes them agitated at all, FAIL. If it is a multiple choice question on where does the poo belong and they can't clearly identify it goes INSIDE the toilet, FAIL. If they see piss sprayed all over the seat and they answer that this is acceptable, FAIL. If they answer the question, "I wash my hands after using the bathroom; True or False" and they answer False, FAIL. If these people can't handle the bathroom simulator test, they can't work here. I told my boss, "just think, if they can use the potty like a big girl, think what they could accomplish in their lives!" I'm putting this down on my year end review. One of my metrics I get graded on is coming up with new processes. I think this one is a perfect example of how we can get more successful people in the door and out of the shit-house. Don't think for a second I'm not going to put this down. I am. Rating scale 1 - 5, baby, this is a big 'ol five!
I don't know what tomorrow holds in store for me, but I bet it will be some sort of bacteria. Note to self, pick up more hand sanitizer at the store.
Night all, and remember, center your ass over the toilet, evacuate your bowels, use enough toilet paper to do the job, but not so much as to kill a forest, flush, wash your hands and please, put the seat down.
Thank you, that is all.
Sincerely,
The Bathroom Ambassador
I'll give you an example of the shenanigans. Yesterday, I'm minding my own business and I get an email from the credit card company for my corporate card. Apparently, they suspect fraud on my account. Weird. I call and sure enough, someone has racked up $2400 in charges with my card. Mind you, the card is in my possession, so how did they get the credit card number? And, it's stuff like monthly charges and protection plans, etc. Rest assured, if I was going to scam my company, I would not waste it on items like mortgage protection plans. Mama would be gettin' some new shoes, some kick ass clothes, some stuff for the ponies...I mean, if I'm going down, I'm gonna buy some FUN stuff. At any rate, that set the tone.
Not to be out-done by fraud, I was walking over to the mini fridge to get some water and I smell something so horrible, I want to puke. Did someone shit their pants? Did someone die and we just don't know? Does someone need a shower? I needed a second opinion. I called over Cross Fit Crazy and the Daily Incident King (DIK). I asked them both if they smelled anything. We opened both mini-fridges and deduced that wasn't it. After a lot of sniffing and lip curling, we decided the only thing it can be is something dead is in the cubicle walls. Now, I just did the headcount report and all employees are accounted for, so before anyone accuses me of anything, no one died at my hand. We figured it must be a rodent. Well, what the hell am I supposed to do about that? I can see it now, I put a ticket in claiming, "Either someone shit their pants or something is dead...somewhere, can you come take a sniff and bring some tools?" I don't think that is going to fly. I wonder how long it takes for rotting rodents to just turn to hair and skeleton and stop smelling? I think we are about to find out. I'll keep you posted.
Gross things seem to be the theme this week. I was at home earlier this week minding my own business (again) when I get notified via Facebook that someone has defiled the bathroom. I don't know how it happened, but somewhere along the lines I became the bathroom ambassador. Every time something goes wrong in there, I get an email, a ping, a FB update, a phone call, a visit to my desk...how did the bathroom become my problem? Sure, I have sent out a few etiquette emails, that have done no good, by the way, but that doesn't mean all this stuff is my problem. I guess I am wrong about that. So, anyway, no one tells me what happened, but apparently someone defiled one of my signs requesting people to clean up after themselves. Apparently it was too horrifying to tell me what it was, but suffice to say, it was horrific. Okay, I'm fine not knowing. I've seen shit on the floor, blood all over, "Fuck You" written in lipstick on the toilet seat, I've seen piss all over the seat, etc. Really, what could surprise me at this point? Well, I come in yesterday and Sassy Pants comes over and shows me the picture she took of the "defilement." Disclaimer: If you have low tolerance for gross, stop reading. The defiler had shoved a wad of tissue paper up her "tunnel of trouble" while she was riding the crimson wave, taken it out and then shoved it inside the plastic sheet protector which housed my note about being neat in the bathroom and disposing of feminine products appropriately. Who does that? What kind of classless loser does that? We aren't in middle school, we are adults. Adults that should be able to get the shit in the toilet, not pee on the seat and keep Aunt Flo and her bi-products under control and be civilized. Guh-ross.
Then, to add insult to injury, today, minding my own business (yet again), my screen lights up on my computer, "Cassondra, the toilet in stall one is plugged." "Cassondra, the toilet exploded, what should we do?" "Cassondra, there is water all over in the bathroom." I am not the high priestess of bathroom maintenance. I could give a shit less, however, I make a call and send out an email telling the troops to relax, help is on the way. Apparently, someone had taken a dump of monumental proportion and used enough toilet paper to wipe an elephants ass and the toilet just couldn't take it anymore.
It wasn't long and the building maintenance dude calls me back advising me it is safe to shit with confidence again in good 'ol stall number one. However, he has a complaint from the janitor. The janitor, that spends the majority of his day on his cell phone, on break, taking selfies or not cleaning has apparently been recently reprimanded, because he has stepped up his efforts. So much so, the bathroom is often closed for cleaning. Apparently the bitches of the glass palace cannot wait to get in there and take their wadded up blood burritos and attach them to the signs, pee on the seat and then leave feces on the floor, so they are hassling the janitor when he is trying to clean it. Seriously? He might be a bit lazy, but that crazy bastard comes back to work every day knowing that he is going to see nothing short of an animal sacrifice in that bathroom daily and we are going to run him off? Really? Stupid bathroom bitches. I don't care if you have a semi-truck load of feces traveling down the track of your intestines and it's race day, do not hassle the man cleaning up the dirtiest place on earth!!!
I'm exhausted doing all this bathroom monitoring. I told my boss that from now on, we don't conduct skills testing for job aptitude. Screw that. We put them through a bathroom simulator test. For example, if they see a sign that says "clean up after yourself" and it makes them agitated at all, FAIL. If it is a multiple choice question on where does the poo belong and they can't clearly identify it goes INSIDE the toilet, FAIL. If they see piss sprayed all over the seat and they answer that this is acceptable, FAIL. If they answer the question, "I wash my hands after using the bathroom; True or False" and they answer False, FAIL. If these people can't handle the bathroom simulator test, they can't work here. I told my boss, "just think, if they can use the potty like a big girl, think what they could accomplish in their lives!" I'm putting this down on my year end review. One of my metrics I get graded on is coming up with new processes. I think this one is a perfect example of how we can get more successful people in the door and out of the shit-house. Don't think for a second I'm not going to put this down. I am. Rating scale 1 - 5, baby, this is a big 'ol five!
I don't know what tomorrow holds in store for me, but I bet it will be some sort of bacteria. Note to self, pick up more hand sanitizer at the store.
Night all, and remember, center your ass over the toilet, evacuate your bowels, use enough toilet paper to do the job, but not so much as to kill a forest, flush, wash your hands and please, put the seat down.
Thank you, that is all.
Sincerely,
The Bathroom Ambassador
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