Today I had three different appointments, so I took the day off. They were all just follow up appointments, so shouldn't be anything major. I had an appointment with the throat doctor because of my acid reflux, a nine month follow up with the doctor at the surgical center where I got my weight loss surgery done and a follow up appointment with the nutritionist to talk about how my diet is going. That's three doctor's appointments. What are the chances this is going to go smoothly? I was ever so hopeful.
At the first stop, the throat doctor, I checked in on time and as scheduled. I'm a good patient and I believe in being on time. He comes in about 30 minutes after my appointment was scheduled for and proceeds to probe my nose and down into my throat with various instruments. Hey, look, I don't even put my finger up my nose unless something really itches, I don't need Inspector Gadget up there poking around telling me how I won't feel this, but I will know it is happening. Newsflash - I not only know this is happening, I FEEL IT! Which is why I uncontrollably coughed in his face. Woops. Maybe if I would have known I would feel it, I would have been able to control that. None the less, he completes his exam and informs me I need to be on more pills and oh, by the way, I should really see an allergist because my nostrils are inflamed. Duh, you just stuck a bunch of tools up there. Great. More pills and more appointments.
The next stop is my nine month surgical follow-up with one of my surgeon's associates, Dr. B. Again, I am on time. I even checked in 15 minutes early as recommended. About 40 minutes later, I am escorted back to the exam room. The little medical assistant was going over my stuff. She is full of hope and excitement and she says, "Let's go over your co-morbidities and see how you are doing! So, how is your Acid Reflux?" I told her it was worse since the surgery. She continued, "And your depression, how's that?" I said, "yep, still depressed." She made the appropriate notes and continued, "And your sleep apnea?" I said, "yep, still have that." She concluded, "okay, so things are looking up." I just stared at her and blinked. If that is what she got out of all that, she is probably the most "glass half full" person I know. She skipped on out and advised me Dr. B would be in soon. As I sat there waiting, I thought about how I wasn't happy about this appointment today because I feel like I am not where I need to be in this whole process. No matter how much people tell me I am doing fine, I don't feel like I am doing fine. I expect more from myself and I am impatient. Anyway, another 30 minutes later, Dr. B shows up. We go through the whole "how are things going?" line of questioning. I cracked like the prize witness in a murder trial. I confessed all my sins and told her what a failure I was. She scolded me for being hard on myself and was very nurturing and caring and compassionate. So nice. Whatever. Nice is for sissies. I need a kick in the ass. I know it, you know it, we all know it. She asked me if I was scared of failure and if I might be sabotaging myself. I said, "I don't think so..." I don't know, do you think my subconscious is fucking with me? It's possible, I suppose...I would consider that later. She presses on and asks me if I have been working out and I tell her I need to get back to the gym, but I hate it. She asks why I hate exercising. I just looked at her. This was a serious question and she wanted an answer. I sensed that, "because I freaking hate exercising" wasn't going to fly with her. I explained to her how my knees and shoulders had injuries, so they were difficult to deal with and that there is a lot of fat flying around and no one needs to see that. I'm not one of those people that says, "yeah! I'm gonna run on the treadmill for an hour and feel the burn!" Fuck that. She wanted me to find an activity that I liked. "What do you like to do?" I contemplated her question, desperate for an answer that didn't involve skinny girls in turmoil on TV, or slaving over a cookie sheet, or spending money I didn't have. I finally came up with, "I like to be outside." This isn't a lie, I actually do. However, I don't really like walking long distances due to my hips are all jacked up, especially now that I have lost some weight and my body is trying to re-align. I think she could tell she wasn't going to get far with this line of questioning and finally turned her focus to other things. She asks me about my reflux and when she finds out what Mr. Throat Doc wants to put me on, she's like, "no, you need a endoscopy, we need to know what is going on there." Great, another procedure, another appointment. She asks when I have my next nutrition consult and I look at my watch and say, "Five minutes ago." She's like, "oh, well, they are used to me running behind, it will be okay." I finish up with Dr. B and scoot over across the street to the nutritionist.
I arrive 15 minutes late at the nutritionist and say, "Sorry, I was being held hostage by Dr. B." The receptionist says, "That's okay, we are running behind here as well." Oh, whew, I'll just have a seat then. Fifteen more minutes go by and I say, "Just how long is she running over?" The receptionist informs me that she would probably be done in about 15 - 20 more minutes. I was pissed. I took a day off of work for these appointments and every single doctor has made me wait and now I had an appointment at 2:30 with the nutritionist and it is now 3:00 and I probably won't get to see her for another 15-20 minutes, which means, I won't even be done until 4:30 and I will be stuck in rush hour traffic. Screw that. I said, "We are going to have to reschedule, I was expecting to be done when you say I will just be starting. That isn't going to work for me." So, now, I have to make another appointment to come back.
So, to recap, I now have more pills, a consult with the allergy doctor, an endoscopy procedure, which will lead to a follow up appointment, and another trip to the nutritionist. Sweet Maryanne. This is not what I had in mind. Totally pissed. And, I wasted a vacation day for this.
I told myself today that, no matter what, I would try and be positive. I would try and make "today good enough." To that end, here is what I am going to hold on to, no matter what. I heard Dr. B when she said this is MY Journey and no one else's and that where I am is just fine. I am surrounded by a support team that cares and is in this for the long term, not the short term. So, with that said, here are two pictures from before the surgery and another showing where I am today. I guess this is good enough...for today.
And the journey continues...
At the first stop, the throat doctor, I checked in on time and as scheduled. I'm a good patient and I believe in being on time. He comes in about 30 minutes after my appointment was scheduled for and proceeds to probe my nose and down into my throat with various instruments. Hey, look, I don't even put my finger up my nose unless something really itches, I don't need Inspector Gadget up there poking around telling me how I won't feel this, but I will know it is happening. Newsflash - I not only know this is happening, I FEEL IT! Which is why I uncontrollably coughed in his face. Woops. Maybe if I would have known I would feel it, I would have been able to control that. None the less, he completes his exam and informs me I need to be on more pills and oh, by the way, I should really see an allergist because my nostrils are inflamed. Duh, you just stuck a bunch of tools up there. Great. More pills and more appointments.
The next stop is my nine month surgical follow-up with one of my surgeon's associates, Dr. B. Again, I am on time. I even checked in 15 minutes early as recommended. About 40 minutes later, I am escorted back to the exam room. The little medical assistant was going over my stuff. She is full of hope and excitement and she says, "Let's go over your co-morbidities and see how you are doing! So, how is your Acid Reflux?" I told her it was worse since the surgery. She continued, "And your depression, how's that?" I said, "yep, still depressed." She made the appropriate notes and continued, "And your sleep apnea?" I said, "yep, still have that." She concluded, "okay, so things are looking up." I just stared at her and blinked. If that is what she got out of all that, she is probably the most "glass half full" person I know. She skipped on out and advised me Dr. B would be in soon. As I sat there waiting, I thought about how I wasn't happy about this appointment today because I feel like I am not where I need to be in this whole process. No matter how much people tell me I am doing fine, I don't feel like I am doing fine. I expect more from myself and I am impatient. Anyway, another 30 minutes later, Dr. B shows up. We go through the whole "how are things going?" line of questioning. I cracked like the prize witness in a murder trial. I confessed all my sins and told her what a failure I was. She scolded me for being hard on myself and was very nurturing and caring and compassionate. So nice. Whatever. Nice is for sissies. I need a kick in the ass. I know it, you know it, we all know it. She asked me if I was scared of failure and if I might be sabotaging myself. I said, "I don't think so..." I don't know, do you think my subconscious is fucking with me? It's possible, I suppose...I would consider that later. She presses on and asks me if I have been working out and I tell her I need to get back to the gym, but I hate it. She asks why I hate exercising. I just looked at her. This was a serious question and she wanted an answer. I sensed that, "because I freaking hate exercising" wasn't going to fly with her. I explained to her how my knees and shoulders had injuries, so they were difficult to deal with and that there is a lot of fat flying around and no one needs to see that. I'm not one of those people that says, "yeah! I'm gonna run on the treadmill for an hour and feel the burn!" Fuck that. She wanted me to find an activity that I liked. "What do you like to do?" I contemplated her question, desperate for an answer that didn't involve skinny girls in turmoil on TV, or slaving over a cookie sheet, or spending money I didn't have. I finally came up with, "I like to be outside." This isn't a lie, I actually do. However, I don't really like walking long distances due to my hips are all jacked up, especially now that I have lost some weight and my body is trying to re-align. I think she could tell she wasn't going to get far with this line of questioning and finally turned her focus to other things. She asks me about my reflux and when she finds out what Mr. Throat Doc wants to put me on, she's like, "no, you need a endoscopy, we need to know what is going on there." Great, another procedure, another appointment. She asks when I have my next nutrition consult and I look at my watch and say, "Five minutes ago." She's like, "oh, well, they are used to me running behind, it will be okay." I finish up with Dr. B and scoot over across the street to the nutritionist.
I arrive 15 minutes late at the nutritionist and say, "Sorry, I was being held hostage by Dr. B." The receptionist says, "That's okay, we are running behind here as well." Oh, whew, I'll just have a seat then. Fifteen more minutes go by and I say, "Just how long is she running over?" The receptionist informs me that she would probably be done in about 15 - 20 more minutes. I was pissed. I took a day off of work for these appointments and every single doctor has made me wait and now I had an appointment at 2:30 with the nutritionist and it is now 3:00 and I probably won't get to see her for another 15-20 minutes, which means, I won't even be done until 4:30 and I will be stuck in rush hour traffic. Screw that. I said, "We are going to have to reschedule, I was expecting to be done when you say I will just be starting. That isn't going to work for me." So, now, I have to make another appointment to come back.
So, to recap, I now have more pills, a consult with the allergy doctor, an endoscopy procedure, which will lead to a follow up appointment, and another trip to the nutritionist. Sweet Maryanne. This is not what I had in mind. Totally pissed. And, I wasted a vacation day for this.
I told myself today that, no matter what, I would try and be positive. I would try and make "today good enough." To that end, here is what I am going to hold on to, no matter what. I heard Dr. B when she said this is MY Journey and no one else's and that where I am is just fine. I am surrounded by a support team that cares and is in this for the long term, not the short term. So, with that said, here are two pictures from before the surgery and another showing where I am today. I guess this is good enough...for today.
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| Last summer 2012 |
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| Last Summer 2012 |
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| Today 10/15/13 |
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