Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Epic Tube Wednesday

Today was an epic day.  Today was the day I got my drain tubes/balls out.  Between having the IV feeding tube thing on the right and the drains on the left, it has been a challenge.  But, today was the day to have them taken out.  I drugged up, as instructed, before going to the appointment (don't worry, I wasn't driving), and headed to the doctor.  I thought about taking my new Unicorn Dream Lite with me just in case I needed to stare at the ceiling while this painful process took place.  I decided against it, no reason to bloody up my sleep light. 

Upon arriving, the doctor informed me that he is actually the best at taking these drain tubes out, so I was hopeful it wouldn't be too bad.  I laid back and cringed a little as he cut the stitches out that were holding the tubes in.  I just stared at the ceiling.  He kept me busy by asking me questions and chit chatting with Will, who was sitting in the room watching.  Next thing I know, it's over.  I was like, "what? that's it?"  Damn, he is good.  So, now, in addition to my extra belly button and cutter marks, I have two holes.  He says they will heal up in a couple of weeks.  My concern is, what if they end up being like the second belly button incision and decide to randomly explode?  I mean, fluid has been draining out of those tubes since December 13th, now what happens to that stuff?  Does my body just absorb it, or will it store it like last time and then randomly spurt it out?  I think I should avoid hugging or anything that involves pressure on my belly.  I could be standing there and then all the sudden I look like a sprinkler.  I could twirl and make sure I get good coverage.  Ugh. Let's hope not.

The doctor asked how everything else was going.  I told him about my mouth sweaters from the thrush I still had in my mouth.  That prescription that the walk-in clinic doctor gave me did not take care of the problem, so Dr. Tube Genius gave me a new prescription.  Great, just what I needed, more drugs.  Dr. TG also told me I could eat "soft food" now.  WHAT?!  Food?  I can have REAL FOOD?  And, what's more, I was told to go off the IV feeding.  HOORAY!  I have to leave the IV pic line in for another week just in case I have a set back, but no more hooking up to that damn food bag and sleeping with the backpack toddler.  That was the most amazing news ever and if I hadn't been drugged up on preventative pain killers, I probably would have shown more excitement.  I staggered out of there relatively happy.

With this new news of food, Will and I stopped to get some food. I mean, I am still only brave enough for soup at this point, but still. While we were walking in, I said, "My holes itch."  Will stopped and looked at me.  Okay, apparently that isn't something you want to say in public.  Whoops.  During this whole process, I've lost all sense of any decency.  Hey, once you've crapped your pants, there is no where else to go.  Anyway, we got some soup without further embarrassment.

Now, while I am on the mend, the doctor says I am still not in the "weight loss" stage yet.  He wants me eating all day (which isn't saying much as I can only eat about a 1/2 cup of food at a time) and getting as many calories as I can until I "stabilize."  Seriously, this is killing me.  He says he understands that, but really wants to make sure I am fully recovered from this ordeal before we focus on the weight loss.  He says not to worry.  So, to everyone that is looking to see me just melting away, I'll be melting at the speed of the ice in Alaska in say, March.  Hmph.  Patience.  God must be bored and is trying to teach me patience.  He needs to do Words with Friends or something and let me get on with this.  So anxious to be a real girl again.

So, that is the news.  Baby steps I guess.  I'll settle for being excited to sleep without any tubes except the IV in my arm.  OH, and, I get to have a shower!  A fer reals shower!  He showed me how to wrap up my IV so I could shower.  I'm going to go in there and shower for like, an hour and all Will is going to hear is me screaming, "yes! Oh, yes!"  like that old Herbal Essences commercial.  Seriously, you don't even know how much I want a shower.

And that is the the story of why my day was epic. The end.

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