Frustrated Pony

Having a ho-hum kind of week.  The nutritionist and doctor have cleared me to go forth and eat like a normal person.  Well, a normal person with the gastric sleeve.  I'm still in this weird phase where they are saying, "Now keep in mind, you had a set back and you need to be patient and learn to listen to your body, let's not do anything drastic, what you are doing now is fine."  First, I'm not patient. Second, I didn't have weight loss surgery to coast.  I want to get this party started.  I've also been told because I'm a conversion (went from Lap Band to Gastric Sleeve) my process is a little different.  And then you throw the complications in there, I'm practically a freaking unicorn.

In an effort to seek support from "my people," I logged on to ObesityHelp.com.  You know, to get an idea what my peeps are up to, what they are eating, how they are doing.  What some of them are doing is different from what I'm doing.  So, now, I'm stressed out.  Am I not doing the right thing?  Should I really just be eating eggs and chicken and not exceeding 500 calories a day?  My nutritionist has me on a 1000 calorie suggested diet. Hmmmm.  I'm going crazy here.  I just want to be successful and now I am scared I am going to fail.  Because of my rough start and because I have fallen into this whole  "small percentage" group, I'm a mess.  I'm trying to listen to my body and you know what? My body is a bitch and I hate her guts right now.  Therein lies the problem, I'm sure.  For those of you that can't grasp what this might be like, consider this: First, you like food. You have just made dinner. It's meatloaf and potatoes.  You dish yourself up approx 3 oz of meatloaf and an amount of potato that is smaller than an egg.  You are three bites in and your stomach is like, "I'm out, we are done."  Your mind kicks in and says, "I effin want to eat my effing meatloaf, we are not done."  And then your stomach says, "hey, stupid, I said we are done."  And so, full, but mentally unsatisfied, dinner is over.  Fine.

My nutritionist wants me to start focusing on things other than food, so she sends me a handout called, "101 Things to Do Besides Eat When You're NOT Hungry."  I think my gut response (no pun intended) to these suggestions could be an indicator of the trouble I'm in.  For example:
Suggested Alternative

•  Feel your feelings (my feelings are that I want a cookie)
• Get it off your chest (NO ONE is ready for this, least of all me)
• Think (I think I still want a cookie)
• Check the stock market (Are you effing kidding me? I barely understand my bank statement)
• Meditate (And try not to think about cookies or potato chips)
• Rearrange some furniture (If I were to attempt this in my home, I would block all exits or cause a fire with the wood stove)
• Set your goals (You know, don't eat any cookies today)
• Scream (It's been done)
• Do a Honey Do list (I can't be writing checks Will's body can't cash)
• Tell someone how you feel today (I feel like I want a cookie and some potato chips, get me some)
• Plan a party (where there is no friggin food you are allowed to eat)
• Dance (Does Gangnam style count?)

Who wrote this list? Seriously? If I wrote the list, it would go something like this:

• Quit your bitching and go for a walk fat ass
• Get your fat ass out of the kitchen
• Start a blog about how fat you are
• Have someone take pictures of your fat ass
• Go try and squeeze your fat ass into those jeans that you know don't fit yet, now, go think about how you're not going to be fat anymore
• Don't share you feelings with skinny people, they don't get it, call someone fat and reminisce about how you used to eat ice cream and how it gave you the shits after the fact.
• Cry. When the sobbing gets a hold of you, you can't eat anything because you are too upset.
• Do online shopping and use search words like Mu Mu and Plus Size Lingerie.  You won't be able to eat a damn thing after seeing that.
• Try and ride a bike...oh wait, the bike seat still going up your enormous ass? Well, then you don't need that cookie, do you?

Anyway, that is more my style.  This whole deep breathing, make a list of goals and wash your dog list is crap.  Normal people might feel a sense of accomplishment from this, but I think we established early on in my blog history that I am not normal.

So, I find myself still struggling to figure out what is right, how my body feels and keeping it all in perspective. What if I can't do this?  What if it doesn't work? What if I screw this up?  These are the ramblings of a mad woman.  These...are the days of my life.  Welcome.