So, all week I've been saying, I'm not going to dress up. I'm not. I'm not in the mood, I have some stuff going on that is really bringing me down, I'm not in the mood for this crap. But, the peer pressure kicks in. I usually can ignore it and press on independently. And then, as I was getting ready for work yesterday morning I heard them talk about someone being Honey Boo Boo for Halloween. I lit up like a Christmas tree! Who is better prepared to portray a chubby little white trash pageant queen? No one. While I have no pageant experience under my belt, I sure could dress up like a princess...a chubby princess. Why not work the angle. I inventoried my supplies. Wedding dress, check. Curly wig, check. Tiara, check. Sash, need to get. Sketti, check. I was gonna rock this thing called Halloween.
At 6:30AM this morning I arrived at Mom's house to have her help me get into the wedding dress. It laces up the back, so I kinda needed her. She looks less than impressed to be awake at this hour, but nonetheless, as a dutiful mother, takes care of this. My sister even got up to check it out and give her spin on it. I was ready for the day. It came out like this, complete with sketti in the bowl.
It got a little dicey after this. You see, I had forgotten how "poofy" my dress was at the bottom. I managed to crawl into my truck and get all of my bottom half in, but it looked like the air bags had already deployed. Perhaps I hadn't thought this through. I pushed everything down so I could see and then attempted the seat belt. Crap. It wouldn't even come close. I did some more negotiating and got it buckled. I mean, sure I couldn't move, but really, as long as I didn't have to have a high speed chase, I should be okay, right?
I arrived at work and started doing my rounds. My Honey Boo Boo costume was a hit. I added the local southern drawl of a chubby beauty queen in and it made it "pop." I got my sketti and Mountain Dew and really worked the room. The problem is, the wig was hot, the dress was hot and now I was thirsty. Ok, I'll pop the top to the Mountain Dew. I don't normally do the dew, but might as well get into character. Pretty soon the Dew was follwed by some Halloween candy. I don't know what happened, but pretty soon I was buzzed and I needed another Dew. Insert beauty queen food - Pixie Stix into my life and I was jacked up.
This is the face of a woman jacked up on sugar. A woman that has been trying to rid her life of sugar. She is delirious. The Facebook status updates were coming fast and furious. I mean, I found PIXIE STIX!!!
Next thing you know, I'm over shaking a coat rack like I'm on crack. This video also made it to Facebook. My high continued on for a while and then suddenly, I was very tired. Tired and hot. I had the fan on at my desk and my dress pulled up around my waist while I sat at my desk. Is anyone else sleepy? And, is that air I feel in the back of my dress? Is the lace up part coming undone exposing my bum? I didn't want to know. That air felt SO GOOD. A cool butt is so refreshing in these circumstances.
I sat there and tried to focus on work. Where are my glasses? I can't find my glasses. Weird. I leaned over and I heard a "clink" noise coming from my boobs. That's weird, those things shouldn't be clinking in there. I look down, and there, in the place my cleavage should be, but instead resides a vast plains area, there are my glasses, my cell phone and some lipstick. When did I put all that stuff down there? I was crashing. Clearly I needed another Dew. This must be why Honey Boo Boo mixes Red Bull with her Dew. It must make it last longer. I had some fun size Twix bars and I revived slightly.
As the day progressed, the costume judging happened and pictures started to be downloaded to random places. Whatever, I don't care. Obviously, if I'm willing to do this, I can take a little exposure. Then my friend pings me on our instant message system and says, "I put your picture on my Twitter page. Honey Boo Boo has now grabbed it and RT'd it." What does that mean? RT'd? Apparenlty, Honey Boo Boo or her peeps grabbed her tweet about me and retweeted it on Honey Boo Boo's page. I didn't ask for this. I'm just a small town girl dressing up for Halloween. This is serious. This could be my 15 minutes of fame. Afterall, I am on Honey Boo Boo's site! How exciting! I wonder, will I be contacted for my own show? Will I get to make a guest appearance on her reality show's Christmas special as Honey Boo Boo of Christmas future? What will I say? Do I need an agent? Clearly, I need more Dew and Pixie Stix.
What if I get my own show? What would I call it? I don't know, but all I do know is that I just went viral and damn it, I'm ready for whatever they bring me. If I need to do Admins Gone Wild, I'll do it. I need to calm down. But then, just as I was calming down, the votes came in for the costume contest. I won in funniest category and overall BEST costume. Clearly the masses were speaking. Clearly, today, the day I was not going to even dress up, this day could change my life. I sat there, fan blowing under my dress to my lady parts and my hair pulled off my neck and I thought, I've finally made my way in this world and this is how it feels? Like I want to throw up? Is that just the Dew talking? I don't know.
I came down off of my high and changed back into regular clothes and drove home. As I sit here now writing this, my vision is blurred, I'm yawning and I'm ready to fall asleep. I think Honey Boo Boo is ready for bed. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I am certain it will pale in comparison to today. Today, the day my dreams came true at the glass palace.
Nighty-night, y'all.
At 6:30AM this morning I arrived at Mom's house to have her help me get into the wedding dress. It laces up the back, so I kinda needed her. She looks less than impressed to be awake at this hour, but nonetheless, as a dutiful mother, takes care of this. My sister even got up to check it out and give her spin on it. I was ready for the day. It came out like this, complete with sketti in the bowl.
I arrived at work and started doing my rounds. My Honey Boo Boo costume was a hit. I added the local southern drawl of a chubby beauty queen in and it made it "pop." I got my sketti and Mountain Dew and really worked the room. The problem is, the wig was hot, the dress was hot and now I was thirsty. Ok, I'll pop the top to the Mountain Dew. I don't normally do the dew, but might as well get into character. Pretty soon the Dew was follwed by some Halloween candy. I don't know what happened, but pretty soon I was buzzed and I needed another Dew. Insert beauty queen food - Pixie Stix into my life and I was jacked up.
I sat there and tried to focus on work. Where are my glasses? I can't find my glasses. Weird. I leaned over and I heard a "clink" noise coming from my boobs. That's weird, those things shouldn't be clinking in there. I look down, and there, in the place my cleavage should be, but instead resides a vast plains area, there are my glasses, my cell phone and some lipstick. When did I put all that stuff down there? I was crashing. Clearly I needed another Dew. This must be why Honey Boo Boo mixes Red Bull with her Dew. It must make it last longer. I had some fun size Twix bars and I revived slightly.
As the day progressed, the costume judging happened and pictures started to be downloaded to random places. Whatever, I don't care. Obviously, if I'm willing to do this, I can take a little exposure. Then my friend pings me on our instant message system and says, "I put your picture on my Twitter page. Honey Boo Boo has now grabbed it and RT'd it." What does that mean? RT'd? Apparenlty, Honey Boo Boo or her peeps grabbed her tweet about me and retweeted it on Honey Boo Boo's page. I didn't ask for this. I'm just a small town girl dressing up for Halloween. This is serious. This could be my 15 minutes of fame. Afterall, I am on Honey Boo Boo's site! How exciting! I wonder, will I be contacted for my own show? Will I get to make a guest appearance on her reality show's Christmas special as Honey Boo Boo of Christmas future? What will I say? Do I need an agent? Clearly, I need more Dew and Pixie Stix.
What if I get my own show? What would I call it? I don't know, but all I do know is that I just went viral and damn it, I'm ready for whatever they bring me. If I need to do Admins Gone Wild, I'll do it. I need to calm down. But then, just as I was calming down, the votes came in for the costume contest. I won in funniest category and overall BEST costume. Clearly the masses were speaking. Clearly, today, the day I was not going to even dress up, this day could change my life. I sat there, fan blowing under my dress to my lady parts and my hair pulled off my neck and I thought, I've finally made my way in this world and this is how it feels? Like I want to throw up? Is that just the Dew talking? I don't know.
I came down off of my high and changed back into regular clothes and drove home. As I sit here now writing this, my vision is blurred, I'm yawning and I'm ready to fall asleep. I think Honey Boo Boo is ready for bed. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I am certain it will pale in comparison to today. Today, the day my dreams came true at the glass palace.
Nighty-night, y'all.
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