People either like my spin on things because it is "real" or they tell me I need to be more positive or hopeful. Let me tell you about "hope." It's crap. Hope is not a strategy. Hope is not the basket you should put all your eggs in. Hope is for people that want to hold on to this thing that makes them feel better. My experience with hope is that it is disappointing. Some people would say, without hope, what are we left with? How do we get through the day? How do we find happiness. Happiness is another bullshit story, but let's keep the focus on hope, shall we?
I'll tell you how we make it through the day, we breathe. Inhale, exhale. We pay attention as we drive to work. We do our job and try not to piss off anyone that will kill us. We don't play with matches or take naps in the middle of the tiger cage at the zoo. We put our freaking big girl panties on and power through. That is how you survive a day. Sure, I can hope for a good day. But often, hope doesn't come to my rescue. Some people would say, you make your own destiny and you can't rely on hope alone. Well no shit. Let me give you some examples of wasting your time on hope.
It's a sheet of black ice in the parking lot. You and your skinny dumb ass are walking in high heels doing baby steps carrying your mocha in one hand, carrying your big-ass mom purse in your other hand with your cell phone in the crook of your neck. Bitch, please. You are a dumb-ass and you are hoping you don't slip and fall. Well, genius, what you should have is a helmet, because when you do slip and fall and smack your bony ass against the pavement your head is going to snap back against that same pavement and give you a concussion. I hope you have a good doctor.
It's the end of the month and you haven't made sales as good as you could have and now you hope your commission check doesn't suck. You can hope all you want, the numbers either work out or they don't. Hope isn't part of that. Hope doesn't pay your bills. Why set yourself up for disappointment? Get real.
McBarbie. She's eating McDonald's, again.. She hopes it doesn't all go to her ass. I said to her the other day, "The only thing that keeps me going day in and day out is the strong belief that someday when you are my age all of that is going to go straight to your ass and you will be a fatty." If hope is what she is holding on to, I think she better start putting money away for weight loss surgery now. I hate to burst her bubble but I have been hoping to get skinny for years, it's never happened. Unless she is a lucky, skinny bitch, hope isn't going to be in her favor either.
You're getting married. You hope it doesn't rain on your special day. Guess what, if you are getting married outside, the meteorologist can't even help you. It's a weather system. And if you think your dead great granny is going to shine down upon you and save your day, think again. Your dead granny doesn't control the weather, no one does. And God, God is busy. Busy listening to everyone else saying "OMG, I can't believe that just happened!" or "Please God, get me out of this speeding ticket and I'll never speed again." It's no wonder this planet is a hot mess. When does God have time to help anyone out with the big stuff when people keep asking for dumb stuff. Do you think every time someone writes "OMG" that God is like, "seriously? WHAT!?" I do. He's over it.
So, what I am saying is, hope is bullshit. I've tried to have hope multiple times and it always comes back and kicks me in the face. So the next person that sends me some magical, rainbow enhanced quote of the day that tells me that without hope my soul is empty and my dreams are dead, screw you. I "hope" you step in dog crap and can't get the smell off your shoe. Doesn't mean it will happen. I mean, you might not even have a dog. You might never even walk where dogs are. I can't make hope do that job for me. I'm going to have to drive to your house and strategically place dog crap by the door of your car, outside your garage, by your bedside. I'm going to have to make that happen. That's the reality.
Life is work. Life is hard. If that makes me pessimistic, so be it. I don't sit here and hope things work out, I know better. You won't see me sitting her in sheer disbelief that life sucks. I expect it. Inhale, exhale. That's what I'm doing today. That is my plan tomorrow. If something good happens, I'll enjoy that fun thing, but I sure as hell am not counting on it.
If you do have hope in your life, I won't hold it against you. I applaud you. I hope Santa brings you everything that is on your list, the Easter Bunny comes on schedule and the Tooth Fairy never lets you down. Glitter is in aisle five and your unicorn stickers are in aisle two. Don't forget your free gift with purchase as you checkout with your coupons that have no expiration date. It won't be raining as you walk to your car and no one door dinged you. You are probably going to have a magical day and as far as I can tell, looks like the window cleaner was at your house while you were out shopping and all your windows are crystal clear so you can see your bright future...full of hope....and happiness.
Go in peace.
I'll tell you how we make it through the day, we breathe. Inhale, exhale. We pay attention as we drive to work. We do our job and try not to piss off anyone that will kill us. We don't play with matches or take naps in the middle of the tiger cage at the zoo. We put our freaking big girl panties on and power through. That is how you survive a day. Sure, I can hope for a good day. But often, hope doesn't come to my rescue. Some people would say, you make your own destiny and you can't rely on hope alone. Well no shit. Let me give you some examples of wasting your time on hope.
It's a sheet of black ice in the parking lot. You and your skinny dumb ass are walking in high heels doing baby steps carrying your mocha in one hand, carrying your big-ass mom purse in your other hand with your cell phone in the crook of your neck. Bitch, please. You are a dumb-ass and you are hoping you don't slip and fall. Well, genius, what you should have is a helmet, because when you do slip and fall and smack your bony ass against the pavement your head is going to snap back against that same pavement and give you a concussion. I hope you have a good doctor.
It's the end of the month and you haven't made sales as good as you could have and now you hope your commission check doesn't suck. You can hope all you want, the numbers either work out or they don't. Hope isn't part of that. Hope doesn't pay your bills. Why set yourself up for disappointment? Get real.
McBarbie. She's eating McDonald's, again.. She hopes it doesn't all go to her ass. I said to her the other day, "The only thing that keeps me going day in and day out is the strong belief that someday when you are my age all of that is going to go straight to your ass and you will be a fatty." If hope is what she is holding on to, I think she better start putting money away for weight loss surgery now. I hate to burst her bubble but I have been hoping to get skinny for years, it's never happened. Unless she is a lucky, skinny bitch, hope isn't going to be in her favor either.
You're getting married. You hope it doesn't rain on your special day. Guess what, if you are getting married outside, the meteorologist can't even help you. It's a weather system. And if you think your dead great granny is going to shine down upon you and save your day, think again. Your dead granny doesn't control the weather, no one does. And God, God is busy. Busy listening to everyone else saying "OMG, I can't believe that just happened!" or "Please God, get me out of this speeding ticket and I'll never speed again." It's no wonder this planet is a hot mess. When does God have time to help anyone out with the big stuff when people keep asking for dumb stuff. Do you think every time someone writes "OMG" that God is like, "seriously? WHAT!?" I do. He's over it.
So, what I am saying is, hope is bullshit. I've tried to have hope multiple times and it always comes back and kicks me in the face. So the next person that sends me some magical, rainbow enhanced quote of the day that tells me that without hope my soul is empty and my dreams are dead, screw you. I "hope" you step in dog crap and can't get the smell off your shoe. Doesn't mean it will happen. I mean, you might not even have a dog. You might never even walk where dogs are. I can't make hope do that job for me. I'm going to have to drive to your house and strategically place dog crap by the door of your car, outside your garage, by your bedside. I'm going to have to make that happen. That's the reality.
Life is work. Life is hard. If that makes me pessimistic, so be it. I don't sit here and hope things work out, I know better. You won't see me sitting her in sheer disbelief that life sucks. I expect it. Inhale, exhale. That's what I'm doing today. That is my plan tomorrow. If something good happens, I'll enjoy that fun thing, but I sure as hell am not counting on it.
If you do have hope in your life, I won't hold it against you. I applaud you. I hope Santa brings you everything that is on your list, the Easter Bunny comes on schedule and the Tooth Fairy never lets you down. Glitter is in aisle five and your unicorn stickers are in aisle two. Don't forget your free gift with purchase as you checkout with your coupons that have no expiration date. It won't be raining as you walk to your car and no one door dinged you. You are probably going to have a magical day and as far as I can tell, looks like the window cleaner was at your house while you were out shopping and all your windows are crystal clear so you can see your bright future...full of hope....and happiness.
Go in peace.
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