I woke up today and laid there, waiting to see if I felt better. Hoping this cold would quickly go away. Upon rising, the coughing started. Things got graphic and I decided to declare today, Phlegm Day. Little did I know phlegm was the least of my problems. I think I will just list things out as they occurred.
#1 - I went to put my bra on and the underwire was poking out. Damn it! How am I supposed to lift and separate now? I mean, I have other bras, but this one was my favorite. I had a shot at looking like I had boobs in this bra.
#2 - Upon arriving at work, there is donuts, muffins, bagels and what is that I see at my desk? Someone filled my candy bowl with chocolate. I usually only keep stuff in the candy dish I don't like so that I don't eat it. Crap. This is a problem. I have avoided Halloween candy altogether and now, here it is, stalking me at my desk. I guess I'd better just eat one of the "fun size" 100 Grand bars.
#3 - EVERYONE is pissing me off. Today we are having "Spirit Day" at work, so each team is dressed as a different theme. People are dressed in toga's, pajamas, sports gear, bandages, etc. It's kind of out of hand. All I wanted to do was show them my spirit finger. Just the one finger...the one that has the most spirit. Everyone has their own agenda. Everyone acts like my needs aren't important. That was their first big mistake. These people don't know what they are messing with. I mean, they know, but today, they evidently don't care. Bunch of dirt bags. I'm in full on bitch mode and raking them over the coals for being stupid and they are oblivious. What is going on? I'm so pissed off that my right eye is twitching uncontrollably. It's like it is trying to send morse code to the Russians for a space launch. I actually think, if someone broke down the morse code my eye was sending, it would come out something like this, "Stupid...Mother...Truckers...I'll kill them...one...by...one...I'll rip their arms off and stuff them up their ass..." But I can't be certain. At one point, I had a tear well up in my eye, but then the angry pony in me said, "oh no you don't!" and sucked it back up into the tear duct. They will not break me...they will not.
#4 - In a random twist of events, I'm standing there talking to Ambular, who is ready to drop her baby any day, and Fluffy Shades comes up and tells me I have a nice butt in these jeans. I just looked at her and said, "Are you mocking me because of my Jeggings blog?" She said, "no, it looks really good." I didn't know how to feel about that. Does anyone else think I have a nice butt today? Am I exuding some sort of butt confidence? I didn't do anything special. I just put my jeans on. This would end up being the highlight of my day.
#5 - I think all the stress of the day has caused an under grounder zit to start on my chin. I have the glass palace to thank for this. I'm about to have a boil on my chin, I can feel it. Ever seen that movie, "Something About Mary" where that Doogie guy gets boils all over his face because he is so stressed? That is going to be me. I finally get butt kudos and now I am going to be a boil face.
#6 - Campbell's Double Noodle Chicken Soup. That is what is for lunch. It is the most vile, disgusting soup, ever. Those little bastards on the commercials talking about how it is "mmm mmm good" are a bunch of liars. It smells like ass, tastes like ass and it has MSG. Why don't I just off myself right now. Will bought it for me since I was sick. Sweet of him. How was he to know that Campbell's is now using ass as their secret ingredient? He couldn't know it was full of carbs, processed ass and MSG. Normally, that kind of stuff tastes really good. Well, thank you, Campbell's Soup for making it easy for me to throw it in the trash. I guess I'll just have saltines and a donut for lunch. Is it any wonder I am pissy today? I'm full of carbs and my body is angry!
#7- I arrive back at my desk after doing something that I can only classify as "herding cats," also known as getting the managers to do what I want, and there is this Christmas package on my desk from Target. What the heck is this? I open it and it is this little "thank you" gift for all the money I spend with them on our corporate account. It is the ugliest Target dog I have seen with a little snowman in front of it. It has velcro in the back and I'm like, what the hell? Turns out, the ugly dog is wearing a snowman costume. It's the ugliest thing a third world country has ever made. And there is a card that says, "Happy Holidays!" SERIOUSLY? It's October 3rd!!! Don't freaking tell me Happy Holidays! I don't want to think about Christmas and your freaking ugly Target dog is not helping!!! How dare they subject me to Christmas so soon. I'm not safe anywhere.
#8 - I'm getting ready to go home and I close my drawers. Then, I realize I need to put something else away and I go to open it again. It's stuck. All three drawers are stuck. Damn it! I start kicking the shit out of the drawers. Turns out that didn't help. I went to the bathroom and came back and tried it again. Turns out an empty bladder and time away from the desk didn't help either. I went back to kicking it. This is bullshit. I gathered my stuff and walked over to Smarty Pants, and said, "I need you to get into my drawers tonight." He looked confused. I told him I needed him to fix my drawers. He said he would and I left. He better figure it out because if I come in tomorrow morning and they are still stuck, I will beat the mother trucking shit out of them.
#9 - The grand finale. I'm walking out and High Heel Barbie is there by the muffin table, "here, take some home." I say, "No, I don't need to take any home." She says, "Come on, take them." In a moment of weakness, I take them. As I grab the hard plastic container, it rubs against my finger and cuts it. Son of a bitch!!! Food Karma....AGAIN!!!!
#10 - I have to be to work early tomorrow, at 7AM to be on a conference call. I hate tomorrow's guts and it isn't even here yet. Bring it, Thursday, you bitch.
#1 - I went to put my bra on and the underwire was poking out. Damn it! How am I supposed to lift and separate now? I mean, I have other bras, but this one was my favorite. I had a shot at looking like I had boobs in this bra.
#2 - Upon arriving at work, there is donuts, muffins, bagels and what is that I see at my desk? Someone filled my candy bowl with chocolate. I usually only keep stuff in the candy dish I don't like so that I don't eat it. Crap. This is a problem. I have avoided Halloween candy altogether and now, here it is, stalking me at my desk. I guess I'd better just eat one of the "fun size" 100 Grand bars.
#3 - EVERYONE is pissing me off. Today we are having "Spirit Day" at work, so each team is dressed as a different theme. People are dressed in toga's, pajamas, sports gear, bandages, etc. It's kind of out of hand. All I wanted to do was show them my spirit finger. Just the one finger...the one that has the most spirit. Everyone has their own agenda. Everyone acts like my needs aren't important. That was their first big mistake. These people don't know what they are messing with. I mean, they know, but today, they evidently don't care. Bunch of dirt bags. I'm in full on bitch mode and raking them over the coals for being stupid and they are oblivious. What is going on? I'm so pissed off that my right eye is twitching uncontrollably. It's like it is trying to send morse code to the Russians for a space launch. I actually think, if someone broke down the morse code my eye was sending, it would come out something like this, "Stupid...Mother...Truckers...I'll kill them...one...by...one...I'll rip their arms off and stuff them up their ass..." But I can't be certain. At one point, I had a tear well up in my eye, but then the angry pony in me said, "oh no you don't!" and sucked it back up into the tear duct. They will not break me...they will not.
#4 - In a random twist of events, I'm standing there talking to Ambular, who is ready to drop her baby any day, and Fluffy Shades comes up and tells me I have a nice butt in these jeans. I just looked at her and said, "Are you mocking me because of my Jeggings blog?" She said, "no, it looks really good." I didn't know how to feel about that. Does anyone else think I have a nice butt today? Am I exuding some sort of butt confidence? I didn't do anything special. I just put my jeans on. This would end up being the highlight of my day.
#5 - I think all the stress of the day has caused an under grounder zit to start on my chin. I have the glass palace to thank for this. I'm about to have a boil on my chin, I can feel it. Ever seen that movie, "Something About Mary" where that Doogie guy gets boils all over his face because he is so stressed? That is going to be me. I finally get butt kudos and now I am going to be a boil face.
#6 - Campbell's Double Noodle Chicken Soup. That is what is for lunch. It is the most vile, disgusting soup, ever. Those little bastards on the commercials talking about how it is "mmm mmm good" are a bunch of liars. It smells like ass, tastes like ass and it has MSG. Why don't I just off myself right now. Will bought it for me since I was sick. Sweet of him. How was he to know that Campbell's is now using ass as their secret ingredient? He couldn't know it was full of carbs, processed ass and MSG. Normally, that kind of stuff tastes really good. Well, thank you, Campbell's Soup for making it easy for me to throw it in the trash. I guess I'll just have saltines and a donut for lunch. Is it any wonder I am pissy today? I'm full of carbs and my body is angry!
#7- I arrive back at my desk after doing something that I can only classify as "herding cats," also known as getting the managers to do what I want, and there is this Christmas package on my desk from Target. What the heck is this? I open it and it is this little "thank you" gift for all the money I spend with them on our corporate account. It is the ugliest Target dog I have seen with a little snowman in front of it. It has velcro in the back and I'm like, what the hell? Turns out, the ugly dog is wearing a snowman costume. It's the ugliest thing a third world country has ever made. And there is a card that says, "Happy Holidays!" SERIOUSLY? It's October 3rd!!! Don't freaking tell me Happy Holidays! I don't want to think about Christmas and your freaking ugly Target dog is not helping!!! How dare they subject me to Christmas so soon. I'm not safe anywhere.
#8 - I'm getting ready to go home and I close my drawers. Then, I realize I need to put something else away and I go to open it again. It's stuck. All three drawers are stuck. Damn it! I start kicking the shit out of the drawers. Turns out that didn't help. I went to the bathroom and came back and tried it again. Turns out an empty bladder and time away from the desk didn't help either. I went back to kicking it. This is bullshit. I gathered my stuff and walked over to Smarty Pants, and said, "I need you to get into my drawers tonight." He looked confused. I told him I needed him to fix my drawers. He said he would and I left. He better figure it out because if I come in tomorrow morning and they are still stuck, I will beat the mother trucking shit out of them.
#9 - The grand finale. I'm walking out and High Heel Barbie is there by the muffin table, "here, take some home." I say, "No, I don't need to take any home." She says, "Come on, take them." In a moment of weakness, I take them. As I grab the hard plastic container, it rubs against my finger and cuts it. Son of a bitch!!! Food Karma....AGAIN!!!!
#10 - I have to be to work early tomorrow, at 7AM to be on a conference call. I hate tomorrow's guts and it isn't even here yet. Bring it, Thursday, you bitch.
No comments:
Post a Comment