This Too, Shall Pass.

It's really no secret that I am having a tough time emotionally lately. I know Shark Bait and I have been through some major upheaval in the past few months, but I just can't seem to shake this lost feeling.  And, each day I sign into Facebook or watch the news, I'm overwhelmed with who just died from cancer or some other horrible illness or other equally traumatic causes.  It saddens me so.  It scares me. It makes me feel like my world, which is already pretty fragile right now, is falling apart and that I could be next.  I think the Rug Doctor would say this is a rational response.  I think she would say that I won't always feel this way and that today might totally suck, but tomorrow might not.  I might also be dead tomorrow.

In reality, if my glass was half-full, there are a lot of people that didn't die recently.  There are a lot of people out enjoying life and living it. There are also a lot of new lives being created all the time. It's the circle of life, right?  You don't have to watch The Lion King to be familiar with the circle of life, but it helps if you are still unclear.  So, knowing that, why do I allow myself to get into this dark place?  Why do any of us? One might say this is a reminder of how precious life is and how we have to appreciate each day that is given to us, because we never know when it is our last.  I detest it when people say that to me, by the way.  It's insensitive. Those points may very well be true.  It may very well be a good way to look at life.  But it is also completely disregarding how I feel at this moment.  Your inspirational meme is not going to change how I'm feeling right now.  I may see the truth written plain as day in black in white in a beautifully framed picture of the sunlight cutting through the trees over a pond in the wilderness.  Fuck that picture.  Right now, at this moment, I'm telling you, I'm scared.  I'm worried. I'm lost. I'm not so sure I'm not going to get crushed in my building in a mega-quake that is over-due on February 6th.  I get you care. I get you want me to see things the optimistic way.  I get that part.  What you don't get is that I have a lot going on in this head and it cannot be programmed by inspirational memes.  I had a chip installed that prevents it from happening. Okay, that part is a lie, but it feels that way. My bullshit panic alarms go off and I evacuate.

Anyway, next you are going to tell me that worrying never solved anything and that worrying is a waste of energy.  I saw that in a meme, too.  I think it was written over top the picture of two elderly people walking hand in hand through a park on a tree-lined path in the fall and beautiful leaves were falling all around them. Ironically, the falling leaves indicating death and change, but we shouldn't focus on that, right?  The couple pictured had each other through good times and bad and their love saw them through all of it.  Guess what, it doesn't always work out that way.  That is a beautiful dream.  The reality is, your life will be taken when it's time.  And, when it's time, you don't get to decide.  You go.  You go when you are called home, wherever that eternal home is.  Everyone else is left behind to wonder why. Maybe it's Spanky that is wondering, maybe it is Shark Bait, or maybe...maybe it's me.

Anyway, there is another meme that says, "This too, shall pass."  It's probably printed over a rainbow peaking through the clouds.  You know, rainbows mean hope and shit like that.

So, where does that leave me?  I pretty much just want to cry all the time and think about horrible things all the time, like worst case scenario.  I guess I should be grateful for all the positive things, and I am, but it's really hard to focus on that.  I've been starting to consider maybe I need to be on drugs again. I know I've blogged about it before, but I still fight it because every time the doctor puts me on one, the side-effects really frustrate me, so I stop.  What I may be saying is, it's possible I should not go without chemical enhancements.

Let's talk about the side-effects.  Maybe they are the lesser of the two evils. Consider: Crying all the time or sleeping all the time?  Low energy with no hope or low energy and don't care that I don't have hope?  Wish I was in bed sleeping and crying or suddenly can't remember who I am or where I'm going.  Craving ice cream, potato chips and chocolate or craving flannel pjs and wondering how many legs a fly has?  Care deeply about everything or care about nothing, including getting healthy?  An occasional orgasm when Shark Bait is feeling frisky or never have one again, because even your girl parts just don't give a fuck anymore?  Can't control my temper or can't complete an intelligent sentence?

Seems like maybe being an asexual zombie just might make me more tolerable.  I have one friend that wants me to take the stuff she's taking.  Suddenly she is happy and blissful and doesn't seem to let things get her down no matter what.  And she was in a really dark place before starting them.  I mean, sure she was a zombie for a while and has lost her "O" face, but I guess she doesn't care about that anymore.  Nothing is going to bring her down. She smiles all the time and has a joy for life.  She's like a stepford friend.  Like she teeth smiles.  Like, I can see all her teeth she is smiling so big, for no apparent reason.  Freaks me out. I can't do that.  Can you imagine?  People aren't prepared for that.  I'm all walking around at work, no cares in the world.  The toilet in stall one gets plugged, don't care.  D.I.C.K. starts teasing me about something stupid, and I just smile and laugh.  The boss asks me to order pizza for the entire building and I say, "Sure, I LOVE pizza!"  If I decide to try her crazy pills and that starts to happen, and any of you notice it, I need an intervention. STAT.  I'm counting on all of you.

I decided to Google her medication and the side-effects.  I mean, my friend couldn't be happier, which I'm really happy about. Maybe it's right for me? 

 Downsides (Effexor)

• Can cause sexual side effects like low libido and an inability to orgasm or ejaculate. (great news, the drug will make me not care about that, who needs sex anyway, I mean, forget I'm in my sexual prime)
• Not the best option for people with high blood pressure. (Ok, I don't have high blood pressure, I'm good here)
• Overdosing on this medication could be fatal. (woops, my bad, I was so happy, I forgot I took it already and now I'm dead, but I don't care, because I'm medicated!)
• It's more likely to cause nausea and vomiting or make you feel sick if you miss a dose than other antidepressants. Also causes more sleepiness than others. (Great!  I'll be too sick to eat and I'll just sleep my life away...but I'll be in skinny pj's!)
• Like most antidepressants, it can cause a higher risk of suicidal thoughts and behavior for people younger than 24. (Well, that sounds counter productive)
• The first antidepressant you try doesn't always work or it can cause side effects you really don't like. You might need to try a few different medications until you find one that works for you. (No shit.)

So, yeah...I know these are all "normal" warnings, but I don't know...maybe I just need to consider the below meme and become at one with my stretchy pants, accept I'm fat, accept defeat about the musty smell under the bathroom sink we can't pinpoint (or maybe it's a dead animal) and the fact that every freaking weekend at 7:30pm there is a bonfire with really loud music at the neighbors house...and that a portion of my income goes directly to the vet clinic every Saturday from now until I'm dead...or my dogs are.  Just need to accept it.  Give in to the mudslide. Give in to stretch fabrics. Give in to fleece sheets.  Give in to putting my bosses number on speed dial and call out "unfit for duty."  No worries...this too, shall pass. 

 
Sounds like I at least have a plan.  As always, thanks for talking this out with me.

5 Things That Piss Me Off on a Wednesday

So, it's a given I have anger issues.  Things make me crazy. I'm not even going to take the time to write it all fluently and like it is a novella.  Fuck it, let's get to it.

1.) STOP BEING ENTITLED.  YOU are no more important than your co-worker.  Unless your co-worker never comes to work because they'd rather stay home playing some shoot em up video game and smoking pot.  If that is true, you might be more important.  Unless you can't do your job well anyway.  Like, you can't even come close to meeting the job requirement.  If that is the case, it's a dead heat for who sucks more.  Regardless, neither one of you are so special that you require special equipment or special treatment.  That's right, I said it.  You're not that special. I'm just not that into you.

2.) READ AN EMAIL.  If I send an email out stating that the sky is blue, the grass is green and that popcicles are cold, do not reply to that email asking if I am the person that said that sky was blue.  You are replying to the email that provided you the very information you seek.  So, we know you saw the email, because you are responding to it.  You clearly know the content because you have asked a question about the content.  I don't understand.  Your question asking if it is a fact about the fact I stated baffles me.  Stop baffling me.

3.) BE AMAZING.  Look, if you wanted a job really bad, and then you finally got that job, how about doing that job?  You know, you went on and on about how you wanted it.  You furthermore said you were qualified, so...why aren't you doing your job?  You still say you are amazing.  You still think you are amazing.  YOU ARE NOT Amazing.  Do we need an intervention?  Like, if I got 10 people together that say you suck, will you listen then?  Will you change your ways?  Will you attempt to give a flying fuck about your job?  Just curious.  Stop screwing up your opportunity that directly impacts others.  Stop. Then commence being amazing.  Please.

4.) YOU NEED HELP.  If you are going to meander on over to my desk and ask me a question, maybe do your research first.  Like, maybe check your emails to see if your question can be answered first.  Maybe check with one of your peers, but there is NO REASON to torture innocent people that have their heads clearly far above, and free and clear of, their asshole.  Try to be a problem solver.  And, no, it isn't really funny that you have no clue what's going on.  It isn't.

5.) MY NAME IS CASSONDRA.  I've said it before, I'll say it again, there is no "A" in the middle of my name.  I'm NOT CassAndra.  You just wrote me an email and addressed me as CassAndra, but my email clearly shows the correct spelling of my name.  I will purposely spell your name wrong every time.  I will not go down without a fight.  I will not stand by and be subjected to such injustice.  I will passive-aggressively torture you back.  Except maybe you don't care if I spell your name wrong but I DO.  If you just started working with me, it's forgivable.  If we've worked together for YEARS, don't play me like that.  I have feelings.  I have a lot of feelings.  I have a lot of voices.  I'm not medicated or under a doctor's supervision, unless you count the Rug Doctor and she, quite frankly, enjoys the voices to a certain extent, I believe.

So, in conclusion, stop being a dick, read your email, do your job, don't depend on others to do it for you and finally, say my name, bitch!  It's Cassondra!

Bathroom Boundaries

Today marks a full ten days we have lived in our newest home.  It doesn't really feel like home to me yet, but it is mostly unpacked and we are living here full time.  I'm assuming I probably felt like this at most other places I've lived when I moved in. It just takes time, I guess.  I think part of my problem is that I keep second-guessing whether or not this place was the right place and if the timing was right.  I don't know why I torture myself like this, but I do. It's that over analytical mind that I have yet to learn to control.  As Shark Bait said today, "It's done, so it doesn't really matter.  We did what we needed to do."  I just keep thinking about it.  I need to stop.  I need to embrace it is what it is and go from there.  I just wonder how long it will be before I stop thinking I hear the horses in the barn and how long it will be before I stop almost getting up to go out and feed them.  Clearly, ten days is not enough time for that to stop.

Something that happened today, however, may help me through this transition. Today, Shark Bait and I returned home after running errands.  We both had to go to the bathroom.  Now, normally, when we lived at the cabin, when this situation arose, we immediately went into negotiations.  You know, like, "Ok, so do you just have to pee or are you going to camp?"  "I'm going to be a while, you go first."  Or, if we were both in a jam of sorts, we'd say, "Ok, do you just have to camp or do you actually have a peeker? Like, how close to shitting your pants are you?"  "I can probably hold it, but hurry up."  This was our life.  There were no secrets.  When you essentially have one big room and then a bathroom contained in it's own room in the corner, you really don't have a lot of mystery about what's going on. At our prior home, and the one before that, and the one before that, we also just had one bathroom. We were fortunate for a long time that we had different get ready for work schedules, so we could kind of avoid some overlap. 

At any rate, today was different.  Today we were able to go to different ends of the house in our own space.  Our own bathrooms.  I mean, I didn't know how long Shark Bait was going to be, I didn't ask. I didn't need to know.  It was amazing.  I couldn't hear him doing anything.  He couldn't hear me. I didn't rush.  I may have lingered an extra 30 seconds and I took my time washing my hands and assessing what was going on with my hair in the mirror.  I mean, my pants were zipped and buttoned and I didn't look disshelved like I was recently a victim of a crime in a hurry leaving the scene when I walked out of the bathroom.  Now, this is a work in progress situation, because I did leave the door open.  I mean, when you don't have any boundaries, why shut the door?  In a pee situation, there isn't really any need to shut the door.  If your taking the Browns to the Superbowl, yeah, shut the door.

This brings up a valid question.  Because all boundaries are down, can boundaries be re-established?  Should they be?  I don't know.  Out of habit, we are still sharing the bathroom in the morning.  Like, I'm in the shower and there is Shark Bait, sitting on the toilet.  Is that going to stop?  Is the habit so ingrained that it cannot be unlearned?  Is there any reason to unlearn it?  I mean, we are okay with it.  He poops.  I poop.  We know each other poops. I mean, we don't rejoice in the experience and purposely engage in the process if not required, but you know, we are used to it. 

I have seen this debate unfold on Facebook and other places and it seems there is a definite opinion to be had on this.  "You'll ruin the romance in your relationship!"  Well, first of all, Shark Bait isn't super romantic anyway. He's mushy, but I wouldn't say romantic.  For example, the day we got the keys to this new house, Shark Bait was starting to bring things over and I was at work.  The first thing he brought was a pony refrigerator magnet and a stuffed pony. He took a picture of them in the new house and texted it to me.  That's pretty sweet.  That's the stuff Shark Bait does.  We don't do candles, wine and music and any of that Fifty Shades of Grey stuff.  So, I would say, we haven't ruined the romance.  I mean, do we joke about poop far more that is probably necessary?  Sure.  When you live in place where there are no secrets, there are times when you have to say, "So, you're gonna want to stay out of there for a while..."  Or, all the sudden you get a whiff of something and you are like, "Oh Em Gee...what the hell happened in there?  Did something DIE???" And, I'm not going to lie, the words, "I think I just pooped something the size of a baby's arm...I think I need to drink more water..." have been said in our home.  Shit happens.

Some people are like, "As far as my spouse knows, I don't poop and they don't poop."  Like, there is water running or excuses or lengths people go to so that they can avoid their partner knowing that they are pooping.  Maybe it is just a personality thing, I don't know.  Maybe I am just an over-sharer that managed to hook up to someone that could care less.  We were the perfect storm and now we are one perfect storm of pooping perfection.  Like, I don't have to pretend that I had a make-up crisis and that's what took so long, or that I got something in my eye.  I was pooping. Period.  I might even have done things in there that created a disturbance in the force.  I don't know.  I'm just saying, I left the fan on and yes, I sprayed.  None of this is lady-like.  None of this is delicate.  I think I've been broken from this one bathroom situation that has gone on for far too long.  It didn't help that I used to have IBS when Shark Bait and I first met, so pooping pretty much ruled my life.  Luckily I don't anymore, but the walls are down.  We can't unknow that I poop, or that Shark Bait poops.  Look, I get that it is private and it's gross, but it's necessary. 

So, if you are reading this and you didn't know your significant other poops, I'm sorry I just ruined it for you. Let me just come clean and let you know also that Santa...fraud.  Easter Bunny? Nope.  Tooth Fairy? If you moved out of your parents home, dead.  The Great Pumpkin?  Jury is out on that one, I don't know for sure.

I'm sorry.  Someone had to tell you.

So, I don't know if we are going to try and re-create any boundaries, but the foundation is here if we decide to embark on such a journey.  2016 is going to be an interesting year.  The possibilities are endless.  The poop...also endless, but now, it might just be none of anyone's business.  I might be able to add some mystery to my persona.  I mean, I probably won't because I'm an over-sharer, but if I wanted to...I can.

Look at me really reaching for the stars...and it's only January 1st. 

More to come, my friends...more to come (I wasn't even meaning poop when I just said that, look at me already creating boundaries).

2015 - It's not forever, it's just for now

Well, here we are on the last day of 2015.  I haven't blogged much this past year and I don't really even remember what all has transpired.  It wasn't a particularly great year from what I remember.  It had a few high points, but it was not a year of moving forward or accomplishing anything amazing. Which begs the question, does every year have to include something amazing?  Was survival the amazing accomplishment? Is that good enough?

I know the last three months of this year, for Shark Bait and I, have SUCKED ASS. But what happened the rest of the year?  Where did things stagnate?  When did I give up?  When?  It's all just a blur.  So, I went to my blog, where all my drama is housed.  I found this blog: http://angry-pony.blogspot.com/2015/02/best-cry-of-2015.html.  Oh yeah, that's right. That's where I gave up.  I remember now.


OH, and also life changing, my band of Boot Bitches slowly all left the Glass Palace.  There are just two of us left there, but we are in different departments.  To lose that daily support really impacted me more than I thought it would.  We all still stay in contact when we can via Facebook chats, but ultimately, it just isn't the same.  No more hug threats, no more chocolate interventions...just...not the same.  I mean, I have Camo Boy, who was kind of our boy member, of sorts, but he just doesn't have a uterus.  I miss the daily presence of my bitches but am thankful that we still talk stuff through. Shark Bait will say, "What's going on with the Bitches today?"  I'll be like, "Oh, so and so is a shy pooper..." or "so and so's kid thinks there is grass in her hoo hoo..." or "We're thinking about having a reality show about being bounty hunters..."  You know, important stuff.  They are still my sounding board on the serious stuff, too, and I am theirs.  That is what friendship is about, being there even when you can't physically be there. I heart those bitches.

On a positive note, Shark Bait and I did get to go to California this year. Granted, it was for a memorial service for his uncle that passed unexpectedly, but we did get a few days to spend with friends and family that were enjoyable.  We drove around in a convertible in the sunshine and for just a few days, we enjoyed each other and contemplated the importance of taking advantage of every moment together as tomorrow is not promised.  A lesson well-learned by the reason for our visit.  The trip was over too fast but it was a highlight of 2015.


Over the last three months, the whole year kind of happened all at once, really.  Due to a problem with paperwork and regulations, Shark Bait was out of work from the end of September until, well, hopefully he will be back to work next week, on January 4th.  I thought that was a kick in the gut.  And then, over Thanksgiving weekend, we found out our landlord was actively advertising the property we were living at for rent.  We found out that she was illegally renting the cabin we live in due to the fact it was never coded as a livable residence with the county, and she was renting three residences on one piece of property, attempting to rent to a fourth person.  So, anyway, there are a lot more details to it, but bottom line, we needed to move. Things got ugly fast and there was not enough Xanax to make it okay. Shark Bait and I had to find a home for us, the dogs and the ponies at the worst time of the year.  Merry freaking Christmas.

We had no money saved up for deposits or moving expenses since we were already living very tight on one income.  We started looking at what was for rent and the reality was, we needed to choose something that would not include the ponies.  And, finding something that would take the dogs was another challenge.  I spent days crying about the ponies and the thought of not being able to live with them.  I had to adopt the motto of, "It's just for now, it's not forever."  It was still hard, but Shark Bait and I were able to put a deposit on a house with a big yard that would take the dogs.  The ponies would go live with Mom.

In spite of feeling like our world was crashing down around us and that life was not fair and that maybe I was being punished for something, Shark Bait and I were also very fortunate.  We were able to quickly sell the little fishing boat he had, some of his extra toys and I sold my fancy show saddle.  We were lucky, in a sense.  And, I did not, for one moment take that for granted.  We were fortunate that in our darkest hour there were people there to help us and we were able to make it happen.  And, while it sucked Shark Bait was not working, he was able to have the time off to get us moved out of the cabin and into the house.  I mean, I don't want to go so far as to say we "lucked out," but some things did work in our favor given the circumstances.

Everyone says things happen for a reason.  I don't know if I believe that or not.  However, during our move, we did discover a hole and the floor rotting underneath our bed which could have very easily lead to us being seriously injured had the floor given way while we were in bed.  I guess it's a good thing Shark Bait and I didn't do anything too crazy up there in the loft, we may have had a lot of explaining to do...we'll chalk that up to a 2015 success story.  So, maybe we were being "looked out for" or maybe we just lucked out.  It is comforting to believe we are being looked out for.  So maybe that is what we'll go with.

Anyway, as we started to settle in to the new house, the hits just seemed to keep coming.  We had not even been in our house a week and our dog was pounced on, in our very own yard, by a neighbor dog and her back leg broken.  Yeah, cuz I got money for that kind of vet bill.  So, I am thankful that I have enough money to take her to the vet, but pissed, because now I can't pay some other bills.  No cushion.  I'm torn on how that glass is looking right now, half-full, half-empty.  While I was pondering the water level, I also chipped my front tooth on a water bottle.  Seriously, enough 2015!  ENOUGH.

All that fourth quarter B.S. aside, kind of a boring year all in all.  But as I sat here tonight trying to decide what to write, not wanting to be melancholy baby and not wanting to go on about weight drama, I didn't really know what to think.  It's all so boring and uninspiring.

And then, my sister stopped by with her friend Thai-Dan.  It seems he has bigger problems.  His Dad, who is 72, is living in Thailand and has a girlfriend Thai-Dan's age.  Apparently she wants a baby, so Thai-Dan's Dad wants to know if Thai-Dan will pony up some sperm.  We all then shared a conversation about would that make the baby his child or his sibling? It seems complicated.  And then, would he do it the "natural way" or would he donate his spermies.  Then he said his Mom just married another woman and they are moving to Maui.  What if they want another child.  He could have two sets of siblings/children.  And then, should he marry his kind-of-girlfriend he has in Thailand?  If he does, it will cost him $13,000, because that's what they do in Thailand.  I was like, dude, you can have sex in America for free.  He said that any marriage is a business transaction of some sort.  I said, "Well, when Shark Bait and I married, there was no dowry.  Neither one of us brought any major cash to the marriage.  And here we are, working on our 8th year of marriage and have worked our way up to renting a 1988 mobile home."  I asked him, "Do you love her? Or do you just want exotic sex?"  Thai-Dan didn't have a really good answer to that.  I told him to just take his wiener international.  Don't get married just because, right? Young people problems, no thank you.

I sat there and contemplated the things on Thai-Dan's mind and what was going on in his life.  I'll take my boring little life, I guess. I think things seem complicated for me sometimes, but I know what I want and where I'm going.  I don't always know how to get there, or if I do, I don't always do what I should to get there, but I know, you know?

As I sit here typing this, I guess at this moment when I think I have nothing to be particularly proud of or to celebrate, I have this:  I have Shark Bait.  No matter what happens to us, we handle it.  We survive.  We buckle down and get through the shit life throws at us, but we also enjoy the stuff we are blessed with.  We have been hit with some tough stuff from the day we got married going forward. And there are days we don't see eye to eye and there are days when we are two people just trying not to lose our shit, but there are the important days that we rally.  The days when it is all falling down around us and we pull together and come out that much stronger.  I have to celebrate that.  Maybe there are no riches, maybe there are no fancy houses, maybe there are no little black dresses, but there is us.

Overall, the year happened to me rather than me happening all over that year.  But, it's done.  I will not beat myself up over it.  I will move on, with some regret, but I will move on nonetheless.

So, 2015, thank you for giving me "us," but keep the rest of that shit out of 2016.

#adultingsucks

This last week has literally kicked my ass emotionally.  Shark Bait and I found out that we have to move out of the little cabin we have lived in for five years.  It is small, it isn't fancy, but it is cute and we have become very comfortable here.  It has room for the dogs and the horses and it is a quiet little neighborhood. We figured we would stay for another few years while we got our debt paid down and then make another stab at buying our "forever" home, if such a thing exists.  Moving is not our choice, but it is beyond our control since we don't own it.  Our landlord is in a jam that she cannot get out of, so ultimately, we are collateral damage. And, as is often the case when shit goes down, Shark Bait and I are unprepared.  He has been out of work for over three months and so the timing could not be worse.  Such is life.

Today, while we were out driving around looking for a place for us and the ponies, we found ourselves at the farm I grew up on.  I lived there from the age of four years old until I was almost 30years old.  All of my ponies were there, so I was never in a hurry to leave and I was an able bodied person to clean stalls and mend fence when I wasn't at work, so it isn't like my parents wanted me to go. When  my family moved out almost 15 years ago, it was one of the hardest things I ever had to done.  I knew the farm and the lay of the land like the back of my hand.  The barn was my safe place, my church. The memories I had there were from most of my life.  The level of security I felt there was indescribable.  However, we had to go.  We needed to go. 

When we left that farm, I cried and mourned our life there, however, over time, I adjusted and life went on and I survived, as expected. Visiting the farm today was almost a kind of therapy.  I didn't plan to go there, but somehow, that is where we ended up.  No one has lived there since my family moved out, so we were able to go and walk around.  The sticker bushes have taken over, crack-heads have broken all the windows and tagged the buildings.  It's trashed and you can barely get around the outsides of the buildings. It is so sad that a place that we took such pride in has just become a wreckage.  I remember how long it took to mow all the lawn areas...with a push mower.  Ugh.  It wasn't a fancy home, but Dad had the utmost pride and it always looked well-kept.

As I walked around, I remembered so many things, but it was surprisingly easy to leave. The farm in shambles isn't part of my life or my memories. What is left is not where I grew up.  The pictures in my mind and in my heart are the memories.  It's almost like replaying a movie scene in your head. This place I visited didn't resemble any memory I had, any movie I'd ever seen.  I stopped and pulled a couple of the thin boards off a part of the barn I could get to.  The rest had been stripped by people wanting barn wood for antique projects.  I'm going to use them for a picture frame, I think.  Everything else that happened on that farm, good and bad, has made me into the person I am today.  I don't know if that is good or bad, but it is a person that survives.  It created Angry Pony.

The Farm House on the Hill

There was a farm house, standing tall upon a hill alone.
A little girl and her family moved in
and suddenly that house was a home.

That farm was the little girls life, her job, her heart.
She cared for all the animals that came to live there
Horses being the one from which she would never part.

She found her safe place in the barn, in the hay loft
or in the stalls with the horses 
laying in straw that smelled of freedom and was so soft. 

As the little girl grew up
life, at times, became hard,
life became sad.
She would hide away in the barn
because it was the only safe place she had. 

The horses were her safety, her sanity, her purpose.
And so the barn was, too.
But that farm house was where her family was
and no matter what happened, they would make it through.

There are things that happened on that farm 
that the heart of a little girl will recall.
Things outsiders wouldn't understand, 
but things a girl might spend a lifetime trying to figure out
if it is possible for her to at all.

That farm, that house, that barn.
It was her life, it was her place.
It serves as a bookmark in her mind
A place holder for her memories that time cannot even erase.
-Cassondra "Angry Pony" Zuver-White

So, anyway, after that little trip down memory lane, I guess what I'm saying is, I guess I need to buck up and not allow an attachment to this cabin and pony farm continue.  I guess I need to be open to the reason for change that I am not meant to understand.  I don't have to like it, but it is what I'm meant to do. 

I hate doing things I don't like.  Makes the pony angry.  Damn it. #adultingsucks.

Where are the Quiet Times?

They say ("they" being a bunch of random people) that life gives you the quiet times to enjoy life and to prepare for the tough times.  Our strength is allegedly created by both the quiet and the rough times. Pinterest has a truckload of meme's and quotes telling us this is a truth in life.  Most of us (self included) don't take the time to recognize and enjoy the quiet times as much as we should, but we sure spend a lot of energy on the rough times.  I am particularly guilty of this.  Shark Bait and I have been living through a shit show of events over the past few months and the hits just keep coming.  Just as we think we are on the downhill side of things, something new comes up.

This is kind of how life works, I guess.  I mean, I think it works like this for everyone, but it often doesn't seem that way.  Some people seem to be super lucky, leading charmed lives.  Others seem to have it much harder.  And, no matter how hard I think I have it, someone out there has it way harder than me. I do recognize this.  I mean the TV and internet shows me all the starving children in the world, the abused animals, the news tells me all about the terrorism, the hate, the corrupt government, etc. I get it, compared to all that, I'm lucky.  However, as the Rug Doctor says, my feelings are valid, but I digress.  Anyway, just today I found myself questioning when the last quiet time was that Shark Bait and I had.  I don't quite remember, but we always survive, or at least we have up until this day in time.  I have no idea what tomorrow brings.

Sometimes I have to be reminded about the quiet times. Facebook has this option where you get to see all your "memories/posts" on this day for the last 4-5 years.  I have found myself looking at that a lot lately.  Some of those memories therapeutic in nature, others a reminder of happier days, some a reminder of growth mentally, some a reminder of growth in circumference (yeah, that is a shot at my waistline).

Here's some recapping of the "memories" I have been seeing lately:

• I've seen a woman so miserable, at her highest body weight. And then she had hope, even if she never admitted it, she did, deep inside.  She had surgery and vowed to never go back to the darker days. She vowed to strut in a little black dress. She was going to move forward and she was going to be amazing and she was going to be unstoppable.  She became an athlete and then she got hurt and her body resisted change. And then she lost hope and then she gained a shit ton of weight back and now she feels like a failure and a disappointment and she has to start all over again.  There were happy times in there. I wish I could have held on to them and pushed forward to the light, to the happy, to the strength.  But I didn't.  I fell victim to what I knew, the darkness.

• I've seen a little dog that we love so much and brings us such joy go from the best dog ever, to the most broken dog ever.  To the point we thought he would be put down and there was no hope.  But that little dog is a fighter and he made it.  He still has tough times and now, even though he has back problems from time to time and he has lost his sight, he still continues to bring so much joy and we are so thankful he survived.

• I've revisited my Dad becoming sick and fighting to survive his cancer and losing that battle. What a journey that was and continues to be. Losing someone as important as your Dad is something one never stops thinking about.  The ripple effect from his passing continues to evolve in ways that complicate life. I miss him.  But the painful journey also brings back the memory of all of those people that remained by my side and supported me through it and continue to do so.  For those memories and those people, I am so lucky.

• I've revisited moving into our little cabin and creating a life here with my ponies again with the pledge to become reinvested in becoming the girl I lost years ago.  There have been challenges along the way but we are getting there.  Now, we may lose all of that forward momentum as we need to move in the next couple of months.  I don't know what that means for us.  Will we find a place for us and the ponies?  Will we be able to afford it?  Will we find our way to where we are meant to be, if only for another brief chapter in our life?  I hope so, but I'm scared.  I really had come to love this little cabin.  And like so many other things in my life, it is out of my control.  Does the universe or God have something more grand in store for us?  I've resisted tagging everything with #homeless because while I don't know what will happen, I know we will figure something out. (plus not everyone shares my dark humor and how I cope.  Surely I would offend someone by that hashtag, after all, it's insensitive. Because everyone seems to truly need to be offended by something and needs everyone to know. It's exhausting, frankly.)

•  I have revisited many happy memories for my friends and family.  So much happens everyday and is shared on Facebook.  I probably share too much, but it does serve a purpose when I need a reminder of where my friends and I have been over the years.

Anyway, I didn't find a lot of quiet times in all of that revisiting, but I did find a lot of life that happened.  And a bunch of life that I survived.  A bunch more of life that Shark Bait survived, and frankly, he lucked out.  I did also see some life that I lived. And, that is what we all should be doing, right? Living?  Not surviving, not observing, but living.  I need more living, less being stuck.  Still working on the figuring that whole thing out part. I'm not ready to resign myself to "this is how it is" and just surviving through.  I want more out of life.  I don't know if that means needing more quiet times or needing more tough times to make me stronger, but really, Hawaii, that's what I need.  It can't hurt, right?

Thanks for reading my introspect.  Believe me, there is a ton more in this head of mine, but I'm trying not to write a novel.



 

Basic Job Tips

Tonight I would like to talk about becoming employed and some helpful tips during the hiring process.  To start, a disclaimer:
Any likenesses to real life individuals is strictly coincidental and not intended to be linked to any individual at my place of employment or any other.  However, with that said, if you know someone that is a dumbass, you should encourage them to stop being one. This is strictly random advice from observations in life.

Tip #1:  Hygiene.  Shower. Daily.  Nothing else to add here, just freaking take a damn shower.  The rest of us have to smell you...everywhere you go.

Tip#2: Smoking.  If you smoke, refer to tip #1.  Maybe don't wallow in the smoke.  Maybe open a window in your home, in your car, etc.  Feel free to wash your clothes.  While you are blowing smoke into the air and killing the rest of us with your second hand smoke, the smoke will return to you and stick to your already stinky body.  And to your hair, that smoke shit gets on everything.

Tip #3: Clothing. Girls, don't dress like a whore.  Boys, don't dress like you pulled out the least wrinkly t-shirt out of the dirty clothes because your Mom hasn't done your laundry yet.  Likely, she hasn't come into your room because Lord only knows what you are doing in there on the internet in the dark and the rats in your cage need their bedding to be cleaned.  Your Mom has boundaries, even if making you get your own place isn't one of them.  Dress like you more than kind of care what you look like.

Tip #4: Your Resume.  First of all, if you could bring one that isn't wrinkled, that doesn't have coffee stains on it or is not glittery poster board weight, that would be swell.  Secondly, for the love of God and all that is holy, maybe use spell check, have a friend read it or open a dictionary.  Thirdly, if your primary experience is your contribution on the year book staff, your job at Bath & Body Works and an avid love of knitting, you DO NOT need four pages to showcase your "accomplishments" and qualifications for the job.  Oh, and one last tidbit.  If your email address is something like spankme@myemail.org or something close to that, maybe, just maybe get a free gmail account with a professional sounding email address.  When I say professional, I don't mean professional in the adult film industry.

Tip #5: Behavior.  If you think you see a bug or if something in the air catches your eye, do not start acting like a gecko or some sort of lizard and tilting your head and bugging your eyes out, followed by swinging and swatting at the alleged bug.  Maybe keep your shit together and focus on the questions.

Tip #6: Your Weaknesses.  Look, I love honesty.  But if you are asked a question about how you deal with negativity and your answer is that you are negative, so you don't know, maybe rethink how you want to answer that.  Like, maybe mention you are not a fan of negativity, not the president of the fan club of negativity.  Oh, and all the times you got fired.  Epic stories.  I love them.  Keep them coming.  Wait, I mean, maybe curb those.  Maybe find a way to not volunteer that stuff right up front.  For example, if I am interviewing for a job at The Foundation for Positive Thinking, I'm probably not going to bring up my blogging hobby.  If asked about it, I might find a way to creatively justify it, but probably not going to offer it up out of the gate.

Tip #7: Violent Tendencies.  If you normally need the assistance of a walking stick, cane or walker, maybe don't utter the words, "I should have brought my cane today, but I didn't want to be tempted to beat anyone with it..."  It's kind of a turn-off.  Maybe say something like, "I should have brought my walking stick today but it is such a challenge navigating through crowds."  See the difference?  Totally changes it from "I want to club people" to "I struggle walking."  Which, again, doesn't really help your case from a standpoint of looking like a healthy gamble, but at least an employer won't worry about you offing your peers.

Tip #8: Medical Leave.  Maybe don't ask the questions, "How many days can I be gone before I'm fired?" or "how many sick days do I get?"  straight out of the gate.  Maybe just ask if the company provides benefits. 

Tip #9: Participation in the Hiring Process.  If you are invited in for an interview...show up.  If you can't attend, call and say so.  If you have an interview at 10 a.m. maybe show up at 9:45 a.m.  Showing up at 10:04 a.m. means you are late and an employer is likely not going to take you seriously.  If you are late for the interview, what else will you be late for?  Every day of work?  Probably.

Tip #10: Personality.  If you don't have one, get one.  If someone exchanges pleasantries with you, be pleasant.  On the flip side, do not get verbal diarrhea.  I don't care about your life story.  I need to know that you are polite and how you are qualified for this job.  Your kids bowel movements, I could care less.  I think I speak for all employers when I say this.  Let's edit people.

Okay, that is all I have for tonight, but there will be tips forthcoming in the future.  Why?  Because I know people and people never stop amazing me.