Where are the Quiet Times?

They say ("they" being a bunch of random people) that life gives you the quiet times to enjoy life and to prepare for the tough times.  Our strength is allegedly created by both the quiet and the rough times. Pinterest has a truckload of meme's and quotes telling us this is a truth in life.  Most of us (self included) don't take the time to recognize and enjoy the quiet times as much as we should, but we sure spend a lot of energy on the rough times.  I am particularly guilty of this.  Shark Bait and I have been living through a shit show of events over the past few months and the hits just keep coming.  Just as we think we are on the downhill side of things, something new comes up.

This is kind of how life works, I guess.  I mean, I think it works like this for everyone, but it often doesn't seem that way.  Some people seem to be super lucky, leading charmed lives.  Others seem to have it much harder.  And, no matter how hard I think I have it, someone out there has it way harder than me. I do recognize this.  I mean the TV and internet shows me all the starving children in the world, the abused animals, the news tells me all about the terrorism, the hate, the corrupt government, etc. I get it, compared to all that, I'm lucky.  However, as the Rug Doctor says, my feelings are valid, but I digress.  Anyway, just today I found myself questioning when the last quiet time was that Shark Bait and I had.  I don't quite remember, but we always survive, or at least we have up until this day in time.  I have no idea what tomorrow brings.

Sometimes I have to be reminded about the quiet times. Facebook has this option where you get to see all your "memories/posts" on this day for the last 4-5 years.  I have found myself looking at that a lot lately.  Some of those memories therapeutic in nature, others a reminder of happier days, some a reminder of growth mentally, some a reminder of growth in circumference (yeah, that is a shot at my waistline).

Here's some recapping of the "memories" I have been seeing lately:

• I've seen a woman so miserable, at her highest body weight. And then she had hope, even if she never admitted it, she did, deep inside.  She had surgery and vowed to never go back to the darker days. She vowed to strut in a little black dress. She was going to move forward and she was going to be amazing and she was going to be unstoppable.  She became an athlete and then she got hurt and her body resisted change. And then she lost hope and then she gained a shit ton of weight back and now she feels like a failure and a disappointment and she has to start all over again.  There were happy times in there. I wish I could have held on to them and pushed forward to the light, to the happy, to the strength.  But I didn't.  I fell victim to what I knew, the darkness.

• I've seen a little dog that we love so much and brings us such joy go from the best dog ever, to the most broken dog ever.  To the point we thought he would be put down and there was no hope.  But that little dog is a fighter and he made it.  He still has tough times and now, even though he has back problems from time to time and he has lost his sight, he still continues to bring so much joy and we are so thankful he survived.

• I've revisited my Dad becoming sick and fighting to survive his cancer and losing that battle. What a journey that was and continues to be. Losing someone as important as your Dad is something one never stops thinking about.  The ripple effect from his passing continues to evolve in ways that complicate life. I miss him.  But the painful journey also brings back the memory of all of those people that remained by my side and supported me through it and continue to do so.  For those memories and those people, I am so lucky.

• I've revisited moving into our little cabin and creating a life here with my ponies again with the pledge to become reinvested in becoming the girl I lost years ago.  There have been challenges along the way but we are getting there.  Now, we may lose all of that forward momentum as we need to move in the next couple of months.  I don't know what that means for us.  Will we find a place for us and the ponies?  Will we be able to afford it?  Will we find our way to where we are meant to be, if only for another brief chapter in our life?  I hope so, but I'm scared.  I really had come to love this little cabin.  And like so many other things in my life, it is out of my control.  Does the universe or God have something more grand in store for us?  I've resisted tagging everything with #homeless because while I don't know what will happen, I know we will figure something out. (plus not everyone shares my dark humor and how I cope.  Surely I would offend someone by that hashtag, after all, it's insensitive. Because everyone seems to truly need to be offended by something and needs everyone to know. It's exhausting, frankly.)

•  I have revisited many happy memories for my friends and family.  So much happens everyday and is shared on Facebook.  I probably share too much, but it does serve a purpose when I need a reminder of where my friends and I have been over the years.

Anyway, I didn't find a lot of quiet times in all of that revisiting, but I did find a lot of life that happened.  And a bunch of life that I survived.  A bunch more of life that Shark Bait survived, and frankly, he lucked out.  I did also see some life that I lived. And, that is what we all should be doing, right? Living?  Not surviving, not observing, but living.  I need more living, less being stuck.  Still working on the figuring that whole thing out part. I'm not ready to resign myself to "this is how it is" and just surviving through.  I want more out of life.  I don't know if that means needing more quiet times or needing more tough times to make me stronger, but really, Hawaii, that's what I need.  It can't hurt, right?

Thanks for reading my introspect.  Believe me, there is a ton more in this head of mine, but I'm trying not to write a novel.