Tonight I would like to talk about becoming employed and some helpful tips during the hiring process. To start, a disclaimer:
Any likenesses to real life individuals is strictly coincidental and not intended to be linked to any individual at my place of employment or any other. However, with that said, if you know someone that is a dumbass, you should encourage them to stop being one. This is strictly random advice from observations in life.
Tip #1: Hygiene. Shower. Daily. Nothing else to add here, just freaking take a damn shower. The rest of us have to smell you...everywhere you go.
Tip#2: Smoking. If you smoke, refer to tip #1. Maybe don't wallow in the smoke. Maybe open a window in your home, in your car, etc. Feel free to wash your clothes. While you are blowing smoke into the air and killing the rest of us with your second hand smoke, the smoke will return to you and stick to your already stinky body. And to your hair, that smoke shit gets on everything.
Tip #3: Clothing. Girls, don't dress like a whore. Boys, don't dress like you pulled out the least wrinkly t-shirt out of the dirty clothes because your Mom hasn't done your laundry yet. Likely, she hasn't come into your room because Lord only knows what you are doing in there on the internet in the dark and the rats in your cage need their bedding to be cleaned. Your Mom has boundaries, even if making you get your own place isn't one of them. Dress like you more than kind of care what you look like.
Tip #4: Your Resume. First of all, if you could bring one that isn't wrinkled, that doesn't have coffee stains on it or is not glittery poster board weight, that would be swell. Secondly, for the love of God and all that is holy, maybe use spell check, have a friend read it or open a dictionary. Thirdly, if your primary experience is your contribution on the year book staff, your job at Bath & Body Works and an avid love of knitting, you DO NOT need four pages to showcase your "accomplishments" and qualifications for the job. Oh, and one last tidbit. If your email address is something like spankme@myemail.org or something close to that, maybe, just maybe get a free gmail account with a professional sounding email address. When I say professional, I don't mean professional in the adult film industry.
Tip #5: Behavior. If you think you see a bug or if something in the air catches your eye, do not start acting like a gecko or some sort of lizard and tilting your head and bugging your eyes out, followed by swinging and swatting at the alleged bug. Maybe keep your shit together and focus on the questions.
Tip #6: Your Weaknesses. Look, I love honesty. But if you are asked a question about how you deal with negativity and your answer is that you are negative, so you don't know, maybe rethink how you want to answer that. Like, maybe mention you are not a fan of negativity, not the president of the fan club of negativity. Oh, and all the times you got fired. Epic stories. I love them. Keep them coming. Wait, I mean, maybe curb those. Maybe find a way to not volunteer that stuff right up front. For example, if I am interviewing for a job at The Foundation for Positive Thinking, I'm probably not going to bring up my blogging hobby. If asked about it, I might find a way to creatively justify it, but probably not going to offer it up out of the gate.
Tip #7: Violent Tendencies. If you normally need the assistance of a walking stick, cane or walker, maybe don't utter the words, "I should have brought my cane today, but I didn't want to be tempted to beat anyone with it..." It's kind of a turn-off. Maybe say something like, "I should have brought my walking stick today but it is such a challenge navigating through crowds." See the difference? Totally changes it from "I want to club people" to "I struggle walking." Which, again, doesn't really help your case from a standpoint of looking like a healthy gamble, but at least an employer won't worry about you offing your peers.
Tip #8: Medical Leave. Maybe don't ask the questions, "How many days can I be gone before I'm fired?" or "how many sick days do I get?" straight out of the gate. Maybe just ask if the company provides benefits.
Tip #9: Participation in the Hiring Process. If you are invited in for an interview...show up. If you can't attend, call and say so. If you have an interview at 10 a.m. maybe show up at 9:45 a.m. Showing up at 10:04 a.m. means you are late and an employer is likely not going to take you seriously. If you are late for the interview, what else will you be late for? Every day of work? Probably.
Tip #10: Personality. If you don't have one, get one. If someone exchanges pleasantries with you, be pleasant. On the flip side, do not get verbal diarrhea. I don't care about your life story. I need to know that you are polite and how you are qualified for this job. Your kids bowel movements, I could care less. I think I speak for all employers when I say this. Let's edit people.
Okay, that is all I have for tonight, but there will be tips forthcoming in the future. Why? Because I know people and people never stop amazing me.
Any likenesses to real life individuals is strictly coincidental and not intended to be linked to any individual at my place of employment or any other. However, with that said, if you know someone that is a dumbass, you should encourage them to stop being one. This is strictly random advice from observations in life.
Tip #1: Hygiene. Shower. Daily. Nothing else to add here, just freaking take a damn shower. The rest of us have to smell you...everywhere you go.
Tip#2: Smoking. If you smoke, refer to tip #1. Maybe don't wallow in the smoke. Maybe open a window in your home, in your car, etc. Feel free to wash your clothes. While you are blowing smoke into the air and killing the rest of us with your second hand smoke, the smoke will return to you and stick to your already stinky body. And to your hair, that smoke shit gets on everything.
Tip #3: Clothing. Girls, don't dress like a whore. Boys, don't dress like you pulled out the least wrinkly t-shirt out of the dirty clothes because your Mom hasn't done your laundry yet. Likely, she hasn't come into your room because Lord only knows what you are doing in there on the internet in the dark and the rats in your cage need their bedding to be cleaned. Your Mom has boundaries, even if making you get your own place isn't one of them. Dress like you more than kind of care what you look like.
Tip #4: Your Resume. First of all, if you could bring one that isn't wrinkled, that doesn't have coffee stains on it or is not glittery poster board weight, that would be swell. Secondly, for the love of God and all that is holy, maybe use spell check, have a friend read it or open a dictionary. Thirdly, if your primary experience is your contribution on the year book staff, your job at Bath & Body Works and an avid love of knitting, you DO NOT need four pages to showcase your "accomplishments" and qualifications for the job. Oh, and one last tidbit. If your email address is something like spankme@myemail.org or something close to that, maybe, just maybe get a free gmail account with a professional sounding email address. When I say professional, I don't mean professional in the adult film industry.
Tip #5: Behavior. If you think you see a bug or if something in the air catches your eye, do not start acting like a gecko or some sort of lizard and tilting your head and bugging your eyes out, followed by swinging and swatting at the alleged bug. Maybe keep your shit together and focus on the questions.
Tip #6: Your Weaknesses. Look, I love honesty. But if you are asked a question about how you deal with negativity and your answer is that you are negative, so you don't know, maybe rethink how you want to answer that. Like, maybe mention you are not a fan of negativity, not the president of the fan club of negativity. Oh, and all the times you got fired. Epic stories. I love them. Keep them coming. Wait, I mean, maybe curb those. Maybe find a way to not volunteer that stuff right up front. For example, if I am interviewing for a job at The Foundation for Positive Thinking, I'm probably not going to bring up my blogging hobby. If asked about it, I might find a way to creatively justify it, but probably not going to offer it up out of the gate.
Tip #7: Violent Tendencies. If you normally need the assistance of a walking stick, cane or walker, maybe don't utter the words, "I should have brought my cane today, but I didn't want to be tempted to beat anyone with it..." It's kind of a turn-off. Maybe say something like, "I should have brought my walking stick today but it is such a challenge navigating through crowds." See the difference? Totally changes it from "I want to club people" to "I struggle walking." Which, again, doesn't really help your case from a standpoint of looking like a healthy gamble, but at least an employer won't worry about you offing your peers.
Tip #8: Medical Leave. Maybe don't ask the questions, "How many days can I be gone before I'm fired?" or "how many sick days do I get?" straight out of the gate. Maybe just ask if the company provides benefits.
Tip #9: Participation in the Hiring Process. If you are invited in for an interview...show up. If you can't attend, call and say so. If you have an interview at 10 a.m. maybe show up at 9:45 a.m. Showing up at 10:04 a.m. means you are late and an employer is likely not going to take you seriously. If you are late for the interview, what else will you be late for? Every day of work? Probably.
Tip #10: Personality. If you don't have one, get one. If someone exchanges pleasantries with you, be pleasant. On the flip side, do not get verbal diarrhea. I don't care about your life story. I need to know that you are polite and how you are qualified for this job. Your kids bowel movements, I could care less. I think I speak for all employers when I say this. Let's edit people.
Okay, that is all I have for tonight, but there will be tips forthcoming in the future. Why? Because I know people and people never stop amazing me.
No comments:
Post a Comment