It's really no secret that I am having a tough time emotionally lately. I know Shark Bait and I have been through some major upheaval in the past few months, but I just can't seem to shake this lost feeling. And, each day I sign into Facebook or watch the news, I'm overwhelmed with who just died from cancer or some other horrible illness or other equally traumatic causes. It saddens me so. It scares me. It makes me feel like my world, which is already pretty fragile right now, is falling apart and that I could be next. I think the Rug Doctor would say this is a rational response. I think she would say that I won't always feel this way and that today might totally suck, but tomorrow might not. I might also be dead tomorrow.
In reality, if my glass was half-full, there are a lot of people that didn't die recently. There are a lot of people out enjoying life and living it. There are also a lot of new lives being created all the time. It's the circle of life, right? You don't have to watch The Lion King to be familiar with the circle of life, but it helps if you are still unclear. So, knowing that, why do I allow myself to get into this dark place? Why do any of us? One might say this is a reminder of how precious life is and how we have to appreciate each day that is given to us, because we never know when it is our last. I detest it when people say that to me, by the way. It's insensitive. Those points may very well be true. It may very well be a good way to look at life. But it is also completely disregarding how I feel at this moment. Your inspirational meme is not going to change how I'm feeling right now. I may see the truth written plain as day in black in white in a beautifully framed picture of the sunlight cutting through the trees over a pond in the wilderness. Fuck that picture. Right now, at this moment, I'm telling you, I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm lost. I'm not so sure I'm not going to get crushed in my building in a mega-quake that is over-due on February 6th. I get you care. I get you want me to see things the optimistic way. I get that part. What you don't get is that I have a lot going on in this head and it cannot be programmed by inspirational memes. I had a chip installed that prevents it from happening. Okay, that part is a lie, but it feels that way. My bullshit panic alarms go off and I evacuate.
Anyway, next you are going to tell me that worrying never solved anything and that worrying is a waste of energy. I saw that in a meme, too. I think it was written over top the picture of two elderly people walking hand in hand through a park on a tree-lined path in the fall and beautiful leaves were falling all around them. Ironically, the falling leaves indicating death and change, but we shouldn't focus on that, right? The couple pictured had each other through good times and bad and their love saw them through all of it. Guess what, it doesn't always work out that way. That is a beautiful dream. The reality is, your life will be taken when it's time. And, when it's time, you don't get to decide. You go. You go when you are called home, wherever that eternal home is. Everyone else is left behind to wonder why. Maybe it's Spanky that is wondering, maybe it is Shark Bait, or maybe...maybe it's me.
Anyway, there is another meme that says, "This too, shall pass." It's probably printed over a rainbow peaking through the clouds. You know, rainbows mean hope and shit like that.
So, where does that leave me? I pretty much just want to cry all the time and think about horrible things all the time, like worst case scenario. I guess I should be grateful for all the positive things, and I am, but it's really hard to focus on that. I've been starting to consider maybe I need to be on drugs again. I know I've blogged about it before, but I still fight it because every time the doctor puts me on one, the side-effects really frustrate me, so I stop. What I may be saying is, it's possible I should not go without chemical enhancements.
Let's talk about the side-effects. Maybe they are the lesser of the two evils. Consider: Crying all the time or sleeping all the time? Low energy with no hope or low energy and don't care that I don't have hope? Wish I was in bed sleeping and crying or suddenly can't remember who I am or where I'm going. Craving ice cream, potato chips and chocolate or craving flannel pjs and wondering how many legs a fly has? Care deeply about everything or care about nothing, including getting healthy? An occasional orgasm when Shark Bait is feeling frisky or never have one again, because even your girl parts just don't give a fuck anymore? Can't control my temper or can't complete an intelligent sentence?
Seems like maybe being an asexual zombie just might make me more tolerable. I have one friend that wants me to take the stuff she's taking. Suddenly she is happy and blissful and doesn't seem to let things get her down no matter what. And she was in a really dark place before starting them. I mean, sure she was a zombie for a while and has lost her "O" face, but I guess she doesn't care about that anymore. Nothing is going to bring her down. She smiles all the time and has a joy for life. She's like a stepford friend. Like she teeth smiles. Like, I can see all her teeth she is smiling so big, for no apparent reason. Freaks me out. I can't do that. Can you imagine? People aren't prepared for that. I'm all walking around at work, no cares in the world. The toilet in stall one gets plugged, don't care. D.I.C.K. starts teasing me about something stupid, and I just smile and laugh. The boss asks me to order pizza for the entire building and I say, "Sure, I LOVE pizza!" If I decide to try her crazy pills and that starts to happen, and any of you notice it, I need an intervention. STAT. I'm counting on all of you.
I decided to Google her medication and the side-effects. I mean, my friend couldn't be happier, which I'm really happy about. Maybe it's right for me?
Downsides (Effexor)
Sounds like I at least have a plan. As always, thanks for talking this out with me.
In reality, if my glass was half-full, there are a lot of people that didn't die recently. There are a lot of people out enjoying life and living it. There are also a lot of new lives being created all the time. It's the circle of life, right? You don't have to watch The Lion King to be familiar with the circle of life, but it helps if you are still unclear. So, knowing that, why do I allow myself to get into this dark place? Why do any of us? One might say this is a reminder of how precious life is and how we have to appreciate each day that is given to us, because we never know when it is our last. I detest it when people say that to me, by the way. It's insensitive. Those points may very well be true. It may very well be a good way to look at life. But it is also completely disregarding how I feel at this moment. Your inspirational meme is not going to change how I'm feeling right now. I may see the truth written plain as day in black in white in a beautifully framed picture of the sunlight cutting through the trees over a pond in the wilderness. Fuck that picture. Right now, at this moment, I'm telling you, I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm lost. I'm not so sure I'm not going to get crushed in my building in a mega-quake that is over-due on February 6th. I get you care. I get you want me to see things the optimistic way. I get that part. What you don't get is that I have a lot going on in this head and it cannot be programmed by inspirational memes. I had a chip installed that prevents it from happening. Okay, that part is a lie, but it feels that way. My bullshit panic alarms go off and I evacuate.
Anyway, next you are going to tell me that worrying never solved anything and that worrying is a waste of energy. I saw that in a meme, too. I think it was written over top the picture of two elderly people walking hand in hand through a park on a tree-lined path in the fall and beautiful leaves were falling all around them. Ironically, the falling leaves indicating death and change, but we shouldn't focus on that, right? The couple pictured had each other through good times and bad and their love saw them through all of it. Guess what, it doesn't always work out that way. That is a beautiful dream. The reality is, your life will be taken when it's time. And, when it's time, you don't get to decide. You go. You go when you are called home, wherever that eternal home is. Everyone else is left behind to wonder why. Maybe it's Spanky that is wondering, maybe it is Shark Bait, or maybe...maybe it's me.
Anyway, there is another meme that says, "This too, shall pass." It's probably printed over a rainbow peaking through the clouds. You know, rainbows mean hope and shit like that.
So, where does that leave me? I pretty much just want to cry all the time and think about horrible things all the time, like worst case scenario. I guess I should be grateful for all the positive things, and I am, but it's really hard to focus on that. I've been starting to consider maybe I need to be on drugs again. I know I've blogged about it before, but I still fight it because every time the doctor puts me on one, the side-effects really frustrate me, so I stop. What I may be saying is, it's possible I should not go without chemical enhancements.
Let's talk about the side-effects. Maybe they are the lesser of the two evils. Consider: Crying all the time or sleeping all the time? Low energy with no hope or low energy and don't care that I don't have hope? Wish I was in bed sleeping and crying or suddenly can't remember who I am or where I'm going. Craving ice cream, potato chips and chocolate or craving flannel pjs and wondering how many legs a fly has? Care deeply about everything or care about nothing, including getting healthy? An occasional orgasm when Shark Bait is feeling frisky or never have one again, because even your girl parts just don't give a fuck anymore? Can't control my temper or can't complete an intelligent sentence?
Seems like maybe being an asexual zombie just might make me more tolerable. I have one friend that wants me to take the stuff she's taking. Suddenly she is happy and blissful and doesn't seem to let things get her down no matter what. And she was in a really dark place before starting them. I mean, sure she was a zombie for a while and has lost her "O" face, but I guess she doesn't care about that anymore. Nothing is going to bring her down. She smiles all the time and has a joy for life. She's like a stepford friend. Like she teeth smiles. Like, I can see all her teeth she is smiling so big, for no apparent reason. Freaks me out. I can't do that. Can you imagine? People aren't prepared for that. I'm all walking around at work, no cares in the world. The toilet in stall one gets plugged, don't care. D.I.C.K. starts teasing me about something stupid, and I just smile and laugh. The boss asks me to order pizza for the entire building and I say, "Sure, I LOVE pizza!" If I decide to try her crazy pills and that starts to happen, and any of you notice it, I need an intervention. STAT. I'm counting on all of you.
I decided to Google her medication and the side-effects. I mean, my friend couldn't be happier, which I'm really happy about. Maybe it's right for me?
Downsides (Effexor)
- Can cause sexual side effects like low libido and an inability to orgasm or ejaculate. (great news, the drug will make me not care about that, who needs sex anyway, I mean, forget I'm in my sexual prime)
- Not the best option for people with high blood pressure. (Ok, I don't have high blood pressure, I'm good here)
- Overdosing on this medication could be fatal. (woops, my bad, I was so happy, I forgot I took it already and now I'm dead, but I don't care, because I'm medicated!)
- It's more likely to cause nausea and vomiting or make you feel sick if you miss a dose than other antidepressants. Also causes more sleepiness than others. (Great! I'll be too sick to eat and I'll just sleep my life away...but I'll be in skinny pj's!)
- Like most antidepressants, it can cause a higher risk of suicidal thoughts and behavior for people younger than 24. (Well, that sounds counter productive)
- The first antidepressant you try doesn't always work or it can cause side effects you really don't like. You might need to try a few different medications until you find one that works for you. (No shit.)
So, yeah...I know these are all "normal" warnings, but I don't know...maybe I just need to consider the below meme and become at one with my stretchy pants, accept I'm fat, accept defeat about the musty smell under the bathroom sink we can't pinpoint (or maybe it's a dead animal) and the fact that every freaking weekend at 7:30pm there is a bonfire with really loud music at the neighbors house...and that a portion of my income goes directly to the vet clinic every Saturday from now until I'm dead...or my dogs are. Just need to accept it. Give in to the mudslide. Give in to stretch fabrics. Give in to fleece sheets. Give in to putting my bosses number on speed dial and call out "unfit for duty." No worries...this too, shall pass.
Sounds like I at least have a plan. As always, thanks for talking this out with me.
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