Medication...

So, in light of my surgery complications, I finally got some medication out of my doctor for my acid reflux and my nausea.  You know, I've only been struggling for a week with these issues, so I was very happy to get to the pharmacy to pick my items up. I didn't know what the doctor had ordered up for me, but I was going to take whatever she offered.  Upon arriving at the pharmacy I get the girl that I can't stand.  She's an idiot.  She says my prescription isn't quite ready, so Will and I are waiting patiently.  Then she comes over and says she can't find one of my prescriptions.  It's been filled, but she can't find it.  No worries, it probably just got put in the wrong bin, so she is just going to fill it again.  Whatever.  She finally gets my stuff together and gives them to me.  She never asks if these are new prescriptions or if I have any questions, just sends me on my way.  What a tool.  I immediately dig in the bag for the anti-nausea and find it.  Hooray! It's a pill you put on your tongue and allow to dissolve.  It doesn't taste that great, but at this point, I don't care.

When we got home, I put my bag 'o drugs on the counter and went about the business of relaxing on the couch.  A couple of hours later I decided to get my drugs put away.  I open the bag and notice that I have two big bottles of the reflux meds.  The dumbass at the pharmacy couldn't find my prescription because she already had it in the bag.  Now, I have two.  Seriously glad her nose is attached to her face so she doesn't lose it.  Then, I notice this other prescription says, "Refrigerate."  Um, this would have been nice to know that I had a medication that needed refrigeration.  Hello, Will keeps this place 80 degrees with the wood stove!  I'm so over these people.  Drugs are important and if you are a pharmacist, you should be paying attention and telling people this stuff.  A simple, "Okay, here are your new meds, just so you know, one of them needs to be kept refrigerated.  Now, I notice these are new prescriptions for you, do you have any questions?"  Isn't that what is supposed to happen?  I mean, I'm not a trained professional, but I have been to the pharmacy a time or two.

All that mediocre service aside, I had a bigger concern.  One of the two the anti-nausea medications the doctor prescribed is a suppository. What? At this point, does the doctor just have a great sense of humor, or what?  I've got tubes sticking out of my guts, my stomach looks like a cutting board and now I have an IV sticking out of my arm attached to a very short cord that leads to my backpack.  It hurts to bend over and now I'm supposed to do some sort of injured fat girl rodeo to stick a pill up my ass to fight nausea?!  I will probably throw up during the process of trying to get that damn pill up there! I looked at Will and said, "remember our vows? In sickness and health?"  He looked at me and said, "oh no...I'm not doing that."  He then picked up the iron poker we use for poking wood in the stove and said, "If I can't use this, I'm not doing it."  I bet if I had a butt plug he'd be all over that, but bring up a suppository and he is shutting this situation down.  Whatever, I don't want him putting anything up my butt anyway.

In other medical news related to my butt, the doctor is concerned about my fecal production. I told her there hasn't been much and what activity there is could be considered explosive.  Another reason not to go back there poking around.  This concerns the doctor and she wants a stool sample.  I am supposed to pick up the testing kit at the lab.  I asked my Mom, "how exactly does one collect a stool sample?"  She advises me you get gloves and pick it out of the toilet.  I said, what if there isn't anything to pick up?  She says, "Well, maybe you can hold a cup under your butt when you go to the bathroom...?"  Would you put your hand in the middle of lit dynamite?  No, you wouldn't.  I'm not sticking my hand with a stupid Dixie cup back there while trying to hold on for dear life when the big event happens.  I wonder if splatter in a cup will work?  I don't know how this is going to happen, but apparently, I am supposed to accomplish this.  Will?  No, he doesn't want any part of this either.  I've probably got a few days to think of ideas before anything happens again. I'll think of something.

In closing, I'd like to make a plea to all the manufacturers of liquid pain medication.  If you could PLEASE make your medications taste like something other than toxic monkey ass, I would greatly appreciate it.  When I gag down the reflux meds I do a yippie-ki-yay primal yell/shudder and my body convulses.  Give a girl a break already.  And no, I don't want it in a suppository!