Today I don't want to talk about the fact that I had to be enveloped in a strangers fart at the check-stand at Safeway. I don't want to talk about eating a donut. I don't even want to talk about the rage I felt when I walked over to get the boss a quarter-pounder with cheese at McDonalds and then decided to get a happy meal myself so that I could get a swearing minion toy, which I didn't get. I don't want to talk about how I had to say good-bye to another friend that is leaving the Glass Palace. I don't. None of that.
Today, I want to talk about the inevitable end of society as we know it. How do I know end of times are near? Interns, that's how. The project was simple. Take these flyers and cut them in half. Use a paper-cutter. There were somewhere between 2-300 sheets of card stock to be cut. Intern#1 (whom, I really do like) brings me the box of flyers and says, "We tried to cut these, but....it didn't really work so well." I looked at what they had done. It was paper homicide. I said, "Were you using scissors or a paper cutter?" She said, "The paper cutter...but we couldn't really figure it out."
STOP.
A paper cutter is a block of wood with a straight blade on a handle. This block of wood has a grid on it so you can line the paper up for a straight cut. You don't need a degree to operate it (but thank God I have one for times like these). You don't need safety goggles, you don't need a certification or steel-toed boots. What you need is some common sense. This baby isn't the "i-cutter Galaxy s6" okay? You don't need an app to use it. You put the mother trucking paper in there, line it up and pull the handle with the blade down. There are no instructions or operation manuals with the cutter. Just keep your fingers out from underneath the blade. And, I do know, from past experience, you can fit your neck under it, but it won't actually chop off your head. We just don't keep it that sharp. Anyway, There is no self-help for this thing on-line...or wait...let's go to "The Google." Turns out, that indeed, there is a video for that:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25x-zoLcLmE
So, anyway, I look at the box of uncut flyers that were handed over to me. You could tell they had put, like, 30 sheets, at one time, into the cutter and used brute force. Why didn't they just ask me for the hack saw I have in my drawer? Why didn't we rent a chainsaw? I took it to my desk, got the archaic paper cutter and started in on my task, 2 - 4 sheets at a time. Lo and behold, they came out great. Is this a ploy by the interns to get out of work? Did they form a master plan upstairs and then come down to see if I would perform like a monkey? If so, well played, interns, well played. If not, were they really not able to figure it out? Did they circle it like a coon dog circles a porcupine wondering the best angle of attack? What happened up there? Did all of them pull their long, intern Barbie hair back away from their face and apply lip gloss so they could think more clearly? Did they Google it? I did after this incident, just to see if they had options.. Found a video within seconds. They had options. I'm just saying. I mean, I don't even care if they wanted to take a selfie of themselves using the paper cutter for Instagram, just use the damn thing.
I didn't ask them to cut the flyers into the shape of a swan taking a dump on a lily pad. It was one straight line. These people are our future. They are going to make decisions for us. They are going to go to school to become doctors. If they can't cut paper, how in the hell are they going to cut open my chest and get to my heart? What's next? Will we have to stop using toilet paper and just have to go to tissue boxes because no one knows how to tear a piece of toilet paper off? I don't know. What else will they not be able to figure out? I'm very worried. Remember the guy that came in and stuck his visitor name tag to the sign-in sheet, wrote his name on it and then couldn't get it back off? This is exactly what I'm talking about.
Based on today's activities, I'm just going to go turn on some Housewives of Orange County or something and dumb it down so that I fit in with everyone else. I need to lower my expectations and the sooner the better. I mastered that paper cutter today, but in a months time, I want to be able to say I've erased the knowledge from my head. We have The Google. There is no reason to retain anything or learn anything new for that matter.
I'm exhausted. I know too much. I need to go lay down.
Today, I want to talk about the inevitable end of society as we know it. How do I know end of times are near? Interns, that's how. The project was simple. Take these flyers and cut them in half. Use a paper-cutter. There were somewhere between 2-300 sheets of card stock to be cut. Intern#1 (whom, I really do like) brings me the box of flyers and says, "We tried to cut these, but....it didn't really work so well." I looked at what they had done. It was paper homicide. I said, "Were you using scissors or a paper cutter?" She said, "The paper cutter...but we couldn't really figure it out."
STOP.
A paper cutter is a block of wood with a straight blade on a handle. This block of wood has a grid on it so you can line the paper up for a straight cut. You don't need a degree to operate it (but thank God I have one for times like these). You don't need safety goggles, you don't need a certification or steel-toed boots. What you need is some common sense. This baby isn't the "i-cutter Galaxy s6" okay? You don't need an app to use it. You put the mother trucking paper in there, line it up and pull the handle with the blade down. There are no instructions or operation manuals with the cutter. Just keep your fingers out from underneath the blade. And, I do know, from past experience, you can fit your neck under it, but it won't actually chop off your head. We just don't keep it that sharp. Anyway, There is no self-help for this thing on-line...or wait...let's go to "The Google." Turns out, that indeed, there is a video for that:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25x-zoLcLmE
So, anyway, I look at the box of uncut flyers that were handed over to me. You could tell they had put, like, 30 sheets, at one time, into the cutter and used brute force. Why didn't they just ask me for the hack saw I have in my drawer? Why didn't we rent a chainsaw? I took it to my desk, got the archaic paper cutter and started in on my task, 2 - 4 sheets at a time. Lo and behold, they came out great. Is this a ploy by the interns to get out of work? Did they form a master plan upstairs and then come down to see if I would perform like a monkey? If so, well played, interns, well played. If not, were they really not able to figure it out? Did they circle it like a coon dog circles a porcupine wondering the best angle of attack? What happened up there? Did all of them pull their long, intern Barbie hair back away from their face and apply lip gloss so they could think more clearly? Did they Google it? I did after this incident, just to see if they had options.. Found a video within seconds. They had options. I'm just saying. I mean, I don't even care if they wanted to take a selfie of themselves using the paper cutter for Instagram, just use the damn thing.
I didn't ask them to cut the flyers into the shape of a swan taking a dump on a lily pad. It was one straight line. These people are our future. They are going to make decisions for us. They are going to go to school to become doctors. If they can't cut paper, how in the hell are they going to cut open my chest and get to my heart? What's next? Will we have to stop using toilet paper and just have to go to tissue boxes because no one knows how to tear a piece of toilet paper off? I don't know. What else will they not be able to figure out? I'm very worried. Remember the guy that came in and stuck his visitor name tag to the sign-in sheet, wrote his name on it and then couldn't get it back off? This is exactly what I'm talking about.
Based on today's activities, I'm just going to go turn on some Housewives of Orange County or something and dumb it down so that I fit in with everyone else. I need to lower my expectations and the sooner the better. I mastered that paper cutter today, but in a months time, I want to be able to say I've erased the knowledge from my head. We have The Google. There is no reason to retain anything or learn anything new for that matter.
I'm exhausted. I know too much. I need to go lay down.
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