I'm Unbreakable...I am.

The last couple of days, I have had any number of things to blog about.  Like, the baby shower I went to on Saturday and all the thoughts around that.  Boring.  No one wants to hear about that emotional baggage.  Or, the trip that would never end yesterday on the way home or the start to my day today.  Eh, I'm over it. The moments of insanity and hilarity are over, and really, you had to be there.  So, what am I blogging about tonight?  That's a good question.  I hope I know the answer to that by the time I am done letting my fingers type and my mind wander.

The past week I've actually been pretty introspective.  My friend, the California Counselor, and I have been sending emails back and forth to each other talking about all the deep places in our minds.  The California Counselor is my oldest friend.  I've known her since I was four or five years old.  She is a huge part of my childhood and growing into adulthood.  She has been there for many milestones for me, whether it was in person, or from hundreds of miles away.  She is always there.  We may not talk for a year, but I think of her often and sometimes, just when I least expect it, there is an email, a text or a card in the mail.  Always offering support or encouragement.  She knows me well and her mind travels many places that my mind does. I received one of these perfectly-timed emails from her this past week.  Almost as if she knew I needed it.  I related to much of what she said and have been thinking about it ever since.  After all, I am a thinker. An analyzer...bordering on obsessing at times.  I'm deep, people.  I got shit on my mind.  I got stuff to figure out.  It's like Pinterest quotes exploded in my head.  It's a mess up there.

After considering my last blog about exchanging a day of my life and the words of the California Counselor, I have considered that the person in charge of me is me and I'm getting in my way.  So, if I can just get me, to kick me in the ass and then get out of my way, I'd "have this by the ass" as my Dad used to say.  I am recalling a certain blog I wrote at the beginning of the year...The Year of Angry Pony  http://angry-pony.blogspot.com/2013/12/2014-year-of-angry-pony.html (if you want to revisit).   I made a promise to myself that I would wear a little black dress by the end of the year...no matter what, no matter where I was at in my journey.  I want that moment to mean something.  To that end, I must get unstuck. 

This morning, I put my big girl panties on (and my Pranx/Spanx) and made a commitment to myself that I would make it to the gym on my lunch hour.  I have taken a six week hiatus allowing my body some time to mend from over-training. But it is time to return. I did make it to the gym today.  Ass Kicker lit up like a Christmas tree.  It felt right to be there.  I want to be an athlete.  I didn't know that until I got hurt and couldn't go for a while.  But I want it and I need to stop being a big baby about it.  Hey, me, yeah me, Get off my ass and make it happen.  No one else can do this but me. I am committed to shutting up the negative voices and making it back there every day, or to Cassondra's gym at home in the barn.

On the way home tonight I heard a song that really struck a cord with me.  It was on some compilation CD I had.  It's called "Unbreakable" by Jamie Scott.  I love this song and I am dedicating it to me, from me.  Here is the link to listen, if you want, or here are the lyrics:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cG-JIvyOZo

Unbreakable by Jamie Scott

She finds it hard to trust someone,
She's heard the words cause they've all been sung.
She's the girl in the corner,
She's the girl nobody loved.
But I can't, I can't stop thinking about you everyday,
And you can't, you can't listen to what people say.
They don't know you baby,
Don't know that you're amazing,
But I'm here to stay.

When you lose your way and the fight is gone,
Your heart starts to break
And you need someone around now.
Close your eyes while I put my arms above you,
And make you unbreakable.
She stands in the rain, just hide it all.
If you ever turn around,
I won't let you fall down now.
I swear I'll find your smile,
And put my arms around you,
And make you unbreakable.

Cause she's the girl that I never had,
She's the heart that I wanted bad.
The song I heard on the radio
That made me stop and think of her.
And I can't, I can't concentrate anymore.
And I need, I need,
Need to show her what her heart is for,
It's been mistreated badly,
Now her world has started falling apart,
Falling apart.

When you lose your way and the fight is gone,
Your heart starts to break
And you need someone around now.
Close your eyes while I put my arms above you,
And make you unbreakable.
She stands in the rain, just hide it all.
If you ever turn around,
I won't let you fall down now.
I swear I'll find your smile,
And put my arms above you,
And make you unbreakable.

You need to know that somebody's there all the time,
I'd wait in line, and I hope It's yours.
Can't walk away 'til your heart knows,
That it's beautiful.
Oh, I hope you know, It's beautiful.

When you lose your way and the fight is gone,
Your heart starts to break
And you need someone around now.
Close your eyes while I put my arms above you
And make you unbreakable.
She stands in the rain, just hide it all.
If you ever turn around,
I won't let you fall down now.
I swear I'll find your smile,
And put my arms above you,
And make you unbreakable.

Cause I love, I love, I love, I love you darling.
Yes I love, I love, I love, I love you darling.
And I'll put my arms around you,
And make you unbreakable.

And so, this is my song.  My anthem. I am unbreakable.  I will make the changes I need to because I need to get behind me.  I need to support me.  And, to those around me that may be struggling, I am still here for you, because I care, but I am on a journey.  I'm inviting you to come, too, however, the caveat is, you need to be able to keep up with me, or I will leave you behind.  I am not engaging in self-pity, woe is me, and all that. No more. I only have enough strength for me right now, I can't carry you on my back.  Get up and walk.  Use a walker, a cane, whatever, I'm not carrying you in my backpack. I may be unbreakable, but I need arms around me, not arms dragging me down.  I urge you, make the commitment for yourself. Stand up, come with me. I promise, it beats the hell out of the alternative, which is, trading another day of your life for time spent on earth instead of time spent living on this earth.

This is what I am going to tell myself, anyway.  It can't hurt, right? 

Countdown to little black dress - three months. 
And, GO!