Feeling Introspective - Picture Journey

Had the day off yesterday.  Luckily, no real demands on my time.  I was just checking Facebook and doing the normal check-in with social media and I ended up on this surgery support group page that I am a member of.  It's always a challenge for me to see and hear other people's success stories about how they are six months out and down a ton of weight, or they are a year out and have already lost 120 pounds and the list goes on.  There are people, like me, that struggle and people are very supportive and encouraging to them, which is nice, but I still battle the inner voice.  Sometimes I participate in the group and add a comment here and there, but still follow the page with pain in my heart knowing that I could be doing a lot better if I had my head on straight.  It's a constant struggle.  One gal had posted a picture of herself in a sexy bra and underwear.  I was like, wow, that is one helluva great story, I wish I had something like that to share.  I did take a picture of myself in a sports bra and underwear the day of my surgery so that I would be able to someday compare and be amazed.  Trust me when I say,  I'm not ready to amaze anyone yet. 

I continued to read through that support page and one of the comments on there really affected me.  Someone asked if anyone that had the surgery had regrets.  One woman commented that she did not have any and that likely, the person asking the question would not get any negative feedback, because those that do have regrets have addiction issues and have faded away and were no longer "engaged" in the process.  I was instantly irritated by that remark.  Partially because I identify with it in the sense that I am not as engaged as I should be and I do still struggle with food choices, but I do not regret having the surgery.  I regret that I could not do it on my own without the surgery.  I regret letting myself get as heavy as I did.  I regret not doing something sooner.  But, for whatever reason, things happened in the time they happened and this is the journey I am meant to go on...I guess.  As The Rug Doctor says, "You are right where you are meant to be." And so, here I am still fighting and not giving up...just moving slowly.  I will do this, I just don't know how long it will take.

After reading some more and feeling a little bad about myself for not being further in the process, I decided I needed to really take a look at my journey.  So, I started looking at all my old pictures and really looking at my face and my body.  I found the picture I took of myself in my underwear the day before surgery.  My God.  I was so huge.  I could not even believe Shark Bait ever had sex with that body.  I just stared at that person.  That person knew she was fat, she just didn't see how fat she had become.  You just look in the mirror everyday and see this person.  I still see that person when I look in the mirror, but I have to say, after going through all these pictures, maybe I am starting to see someone different.  I spent all day putting these pictures into a PowerPoint presentation to document the journey.  I spent all day on it.  When Shark Bait got home from work, I made him take a picture of me in my bra and underwear and then some pics with me clothed.  I loaded the pictures on the computer and stared at them.  I have changed.  I will admit, I have changed.  The voice in my head still says, "you have not changed enough," but it is willing to concede that there is change.  And that, is what we call progress.

I am sharing some of the pictures with you below.  And, I will spare you the underwear pictures.  Even though they are not dirty or indecent, it might traumatize my co-workers that see me every day.  You can't un-see some things.  I will say, ironically, I am not ashamed of them.  I mean, I am totally grossed out and cannot believe I looked like that, but I am not ashamed to show them to you.  I am not that fat girl in those pictures on the outside, I am an athlete on the inside and I will find my way to the outside.  It will just take time.

The early years. In that picture in 1990, I thought I was so fat.  I would give anything to weigh that now.

This girl, this woman, so unhappy.

Pictures right after surgery on top, after all the complications cleared up and below, how I am today.

The progression has lead to me enjoying my horses again, which is the BIGGEST gift I could ask for.

In 2013, life started to get better, started to feel better about me and started to enjoy life a little.

2014 has been slow progress, but progress is still there.  Who knew this face could do short hair?

 

So, this is my journey so far.  Far from over, but something I need to be proud of.  I am proud of.  It's never enough, the voices in my head always tell me, but I'm trying to shut that bitch up.  And, if any of you are dying to see the underwear pictures, hey, I'll show em to you. LOL.

Thanks for being part of my journey.  Love to all!