2014 will be the year of the horse, according to the Chinese zodiac. I have decided to take that as a sign that this is the year for Angry Pony. I've had one hell of a year in 2013 physically and mentally and I think I might have even had a few true growth moments. I'm tired of cycles that repeat and, I think, at age 42, I may have figured a couple of things out. I read through some of my blogs from last year at this time and also throughout the year. What a ride it has been.
After reading through a lot of this stuff, I would like to first and foremost say, I am thankful I did not die from my surgery complications (I was so scared!). I am thankful it has been just over 11 months since the last time I crapped my pants and that I can, once again, fart with confidence, if the need arises. I am thankful that, while I have not reached my weight-loss goal, I have made progress and experienced a few moments of joy that I have not before experienced. I had my first Victoria Secret experience and shared that with my sister. It was a fun day and now my boobs know heights they could only have dreamed about before. I went into a store that I deemed as a "normal people store" and purchased my first pair of "normal people" jeans. I will always have a fondness for Eddie Bauer, as a result. I am able to slide into booths and be comfortable when I go out to eat. I put on a dress that I wore at my heaviest and it is too big to wear now. Silly little stuff, when you consider all that life throws at us every day. And, the most important thing I am thankful for, is that I have an amazing support system of friends through it all. No matter how much I bitch or share my insecurities, there you are, supporting me. Amazing feeling.
It has also been a year full of self-doubting, negative thoughts, feeling inadequate and being hard on myself. This is my biggest struggle. I often hear The Rug Doctor's voice, "be kind to yourself." And then, Bitchy Pony tells her to shut up. I've spent a lifetime of feeling trapped. A lifetime of taking care of others and putting them first. A lifetime of knowing that no matter what I do, I cannot lose weight or change the cycle. A lifetime of "it works for everyone else, except me." I am my own worst enemy, no argument there. I am the biggest road block. I fight everything subconsciously. Why? I don't know, that is what Therapy Thursday is for, I guess. It's probably, just a lifetime of embedded negative thinking, I guess, and I have to change that. That's right, something else I have to do. Pisses me off. Seriously. I'm so tired of having to fix everything for everyone, even myself. I want someone to take care of me for once. I want it to be easy for me, for once. I deserve it. I earned it. Well, guess what? The universe doesn't give a shit what I want.
I am reminded of when I was in my early 20's, living at home at the old farm house. Our neighbor, Mama Safeway, was always trying to instill her "Mom" wisdom in me. I would be sad about not having a boyfriend, or my job or life and wanting someone to make my life special. She would say, "Honey, you have to make your own life special. If you want your birthday to be special, YOU plan it. You take charge of your life, don't wait for someone else to make it so." I always listened and thought to myself, "she doesn't get it. I'm not going to settle, I'm going to find someone amazing. I deserve it." And you know what, I did find someone amazing, eventually, but he doesn't have the romantic-planning-your-day-to-make-it-special gene. For my birthday, six months after we met, he gave me a big flashlight and a My Little Pony. Practical (for feeding the ponies at night) and sweet. That is who he is, practical and sweet. He feeds the ponies for me when I get home late. He texts me that he loves me and that the sunrise pales in comparison to how beautiful I am. He tells me he loves me 100 times a day. But he isn't a planner. I've been fighting this and been angry about it and trying to force him to be the planner guy. Well, he isn't and I'm making myself crazy over something I can't control. And, in the scheme of things, what is my problem anyway? I know women that would give anything to have a guy like that. Get over yourself, Pony!
Back to Mama Safeway, as it turns out she wasn't full of shit, after all. I just wasn't ready to hear it. Why do I have to fight everything? Why can't I just accept it all, take a deep breath, put my big girl panties on and get some shit handled? Life isn't fair. Life isn't about easy street. Life isn't about what you've earned or deserve. Life is just what it is. And sometimes it bites. And sometimes, on occasion, it's pretty amazing. Bottom line, I have to do this (the Ponies aren't happy about it either, but they are mostly on board).
So, based on all the drama and struggle and soul-searching in 2012-2013, the Pony, at age 42, is succumbing to the reality that this whole life extravaganza is up to her. The Pony is letting go of all that negative shit (saying it, but know that I still have a pony voice inside fighting it) and moving forward. In 2014 I am going to use my yoga pants for good instead of evil. I am going to actually DO yoga in them (maybe even today...but don't rush me). I am going to find a way to afford sessions with Ass Kicker once a week and I am going to get to the gym 3-5 times a week. I am going to let go of the comfort of food and the idea that I need more than I do. I'm going to start believing that I can lose weight instead of listening to all the reasons why I can't. I'm going to try and understand that it will not happen as fast for me as it does for everyone else and be okay with that (I'm not really going to be okay with that, but I have to at least say that for therapeutic purposes). I'm going to be all up in my husbands business about getting his physical health in order. I love that stubborn dirt bag and he doesn't get to run his body into the ground. Come with me or get the fuck out of the way.
And negative people, or people that think they can control me with guilt, I am done with you. It's time to think about what is best for Will and I. I can't make everyone else happy and I am no longer going to try (this is a hard one, because I do care).
This is the year of the Angry Pony. I have a goal journal. I'm going to use it. I'm moving forward and letting go of baggage that is holding me back (this is the plan, I expect detours on this road, that is where the Rug Doctor comes in).
If things progress as they should, I anticipate the following blogs will need to be written:
Stay tuned in 2014...it's the year of Angry Pony.
Next stop: Little. Black. Dress.
After reading through a lot of this stuff, I would like to first and foremost say, I am thankful I did not die from my surgery complications (I was so scared!). I am thankful it has been just over 11 months since the last time I crapped my pants and that I can, once again, fart with confidence, if the need arises. I am thankful that, while I have not reached my weight-loss goal, I have made progress and experienced a few moments of joy that I have not before experienced. I had my first Victoria Secret experience and shared that with my sister. It was a fun day and now my boobs know heights they could only have dreamed about before. I went into a store that I deemed as a "normal people store" and purchased my first pair of "normal people" jeans. I will always have a fondness for Eddie Bauer, as a result. I am able to slide into booths and be comfortable when I go out to eat. I put on a dress that I wore at my heaviest and it is too big to wear now. Silly little stuff, when you consider all that life throws at us every day. And, the most important thing I am thankful for, is that I have an amazing support system of friends through it all. No matter how much I bitch or share my insecurities, there you are, supporting me. Amazing feeling.
It has also been a year full of self-doubting, negative thoughts, feeling inadequate and being hard on myself. This is my biggest struggle. I often hear The Rug Doctor's voice, "be kind to yourself." And then, Bitchy Pony tells her to shut up. I've spent a lifetime of feeling trapped. A lifetime of taking care of others and putting them first. A lifetime of knowing that no matter what I do, I cannot lose weight or change the cycle. A lifetime of "it works for everyone else, except me." I am my own worst enemy, no argument there. I am the biggest road block. I fight everything subconsciously. Why? I don't know, that is what Therapy Thursday is for, I guess. It's probably, just a lifetime of embedded negative thinking, I guess, and I have to change that. That's right, something else I have to do. Pisses me off. Seriously. I'm so tired of having to fix everything for everyone, even myself. I want someone to take care of me for once. I want it to be easy for me, for once. I deserve it. I earned it. Well, guess what? The universe doesn't give a shit what I want.
I am reminded of when I was in my early 20's, living at home at the old farm house. Our neighbor, Mama Safeway, was always trying to instill her "Mom" wisdom in me. I would be sad about not having a boyfriend, or my job or life and wanting someone to make my life special. She would say, "Honey, you have to make your own life special. If you want your birthday to be special, YOU plan it. You take charge of your life, don't wait for someone else to make it so." I always listened and thought to myself, "she doesn't get it. I'm not going to settle, I'm going to find someone amazing. I deserve it." And you know what, I did find someone amazing, eventually, but he doesn't have the romantic-planning-your-day-to-make-it-special gene. For my birthday, six months after we met, he gave me a big flashlight and a My Little Pony. Practical (for feeding the ponies at night) and sweet. That is who he is, practical and sweet. He feeds the ponies for me when I get home late. He texts me that he loves me and that the sunrise pales in comparison to how beautiful I am. He tells me he loves me 100 times a day. But he isn't a planner. I've been fighting this and been angry about it and trying to force him to be the planner guy. Well, he isn't and I'm making myself crazy over something I can't control. And, in the scheme of things, what is my problem anyway? I know women that would give anything to have a guy like that. Get over yourself, Pony!
Back to Mama Safeway, as it turns out she wasn't full of shit, after all. I just wasn't ready to hear it. Why do I have to fight everything? Why can't I just accept it all, take a deep breath, put my big girl panties on and get some shit handled? Life isn't fair. Life isn't about easy street. Life isn't about what you've earned or deserve. Life is just what it is. And sometimes it bites. And sometimes, on occasion, it's pretty amazing. Bottom line, I have to do this (the Ponies aren't happy about it either, but they are mostly on board).
So, based on all the drama and struggle and soul-searching in 2012-2013, the Pony, at age 42, is succumbing to the reality that this whole life extravaganza is up to her. The Pony is letting go of all that negative shit (saying it, but know that I still have a pony voice inside fighting it) and moving forward. In 2014 I am going to use my yoga pants for good instead of evil. I am going to actually DO yoga in them (maybe even today...but don't rush me). I am going to find a way to afford sessions with Ass Kicker once a week and I am going to get to the gym 3-5 times a week. I am going to let go of the comfort of food and the idea that I need more than I do. I'm going to start believing that I can lose weight instead of listening to all the reasons why I can't. I'm going to try and understand that it will not happen as fast for me as it does for everyone else and be okay with that (I'm not really going to be okay with that, but I have to at least say that for therapeutic purposes). I'm going to be all up in my husbands business about getting his physical health in order. I love that stubborn dirt bag and he doesn't get to run his body into the ground. Come with me or get the fuck out of the way.
And negative people, or people that think they can control me with guilt, I am done with you. It's time to think about what is best for Will and I. I can't make everyone else happy and I am no longer going to try (this is a hard one, because I do care).
This is the year of the Angry Pony. I have a goal journal. I'm going to use it. I'm moving forward and letting go of baggage that is holding me back (this is the plan, I expect detours on this road, that is where the Rug Doctor comes in).
If things progress as they should, I anticipate the following blogs will need to be written:
- Why My Ass Hurts - Falling off the Elliptical
- Stuck in Downward Dog Position for 3 Hours
- Arm-skin, Can I Have a Round of Applause
- The Day My Thighs Slapped My Face
- Who's the Slut in the Mini Skirt with Saggy Skin?
- My Abs! I Found My Abs!
- Plastic Surgery: Where'd My Skin Go?
Stay tuned in 2014...it's the year of Angry Pony.
Next stop: Little. Black. Dress.
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| December 2013 |
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| September 2010 |
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