Exchanging A Day of My Life

I saw the above quote today and it made me think hard. (If you can't see the image for some reason, it says, "What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.") These little introspective quotes always irritate me because they always have a way of making me feel like I'm doing something wrong.  This "author unknown" has gotten into my head and let me know that, no pressure, but your life is passing right in front of your eyes and what you have done today may just have been a colossal waste of time.  You didn't do enough, you didn't do the right thing, you didn't do....anything.

I don't know if it has been the weather this past week making me feel like summer is over, or what the dealio is, but I'm feeling kind of melancholy and this quote just made me angry.  Angry because, I just exchanged a day of my life for what?  I didn't do anything fun.  Just go and look at Facebook and you can see that many people are out there having fun...living life. Making sure their day will not need to be "exchanged."  Well, I'm not having fun.  I got up this morning with feelings of great potential and at some point it all got derailed.  Not because anything upsetting or disruptive happened, but because, left to my own devices, I apparently suck at living life.  I mean, I got the eating, sleeping, pooping thing down.  I'm okay at that.  I mean, half the time, I'm eating the wrong thing and sleeping isn't always easy, but the pooping, that is going pretty good.  So, to recap, I'm good at shit.  The part where I live my life, that part, not really that great.  I showered, made Shark Bait and I breakfast, went out and set up "Cassondra's Workout World" in the barn, brushed the ponies and put fly spray on them and then from there, things really kind of went downhill.  Shark Bait always asks, "so what are we doing today?"  Like I always have to decide.  I've mentioned all the things I want to do or like to do, but we never go do any of that stuff, so I just shrug and say, "I don't know, what do you want to do?" It seems we are at a bridge that cannot be crossed.

I find myself sitting outside in the sun reading a little book on how to maximize my fat burning potential, which surprisingly cannot be achieved sitting in a Cabela's camo-patterned chair while doing nothing, and Shark Bait is in the house on his Kindle reading whatever it is he reads.  I stay out there until I start to sweat and figure it's time to come in and cool down and not burn myself.  I go upstairs and stretch out on the bed and start thinking about that damn quote again.  About how I'm "wasting" my day.  A day of my life I can't get back.  I started thinking about all the pictures on FB I have seen of family and friends and all the adventures they are having and that I want to do, but never do. Places I want to go, things I want to see, stuff I want to do.  I started thinking about how I ever survived before I had this other person in my life. When I wasn't waiting for someone else to make my life special, or fun. What did I do then?  Back before all the i-phones, Kindles, computers and social media?  What did I do?  I was with my family, or my friends, or I was outside, I was with my horses, I would go for a ride, I would wander around that farm and find something that would need to be done.  And, when I didn't feel like doing any of those things, I would go lean on a fence, as the sun went down, and I would watch the horses and the sun and dream about what my life would be like someday.  I'm pretty sure I never pictured this.  Sometimes I would sit out there in the summer and just wait for the stars to come out and just sit there and just "be."  Now, I stand in my house and see the pretty colors in the sky and think, "I wish I was somewhere watching the sunset."  Why don't I just get in my truck and go watch it?  I don't know.  I guess I wished someone would know I needed to see it and wanted to share it with me and say, "hey, let's go watch the sunset."

And, I don't remember comparing myself to anyone else or their adventures so much before.  All this begs the question, before I had FB, was everyone still out there having fun in life, but I just didn't know it?  I just didn't have it rubbed in my face every day?  Or, have I settled for a boring life with excuses of no money to do stuff and not having someone to drive me to be more than this?  Do I need someone to drive me?  I have a license, after all, I can drive myself.  And then I hear Mama Safeway say those words that will forever stick with me, "Honey, you can't wait for someone else to make your life feel special, you have to make your own life special."  I guess I don't want to have to do everything.  I've always had to do everything.  I'm tired of doing everything. But, as luck would have it, every day that I do not push past that feeling, I've traded a day of my life.  A day I should have petted a pony, rode a pony, went to the water, put my feet in, basked in the sun and then watched it set.  Doesn't matter if I am in Hawaii doing it or in the water trough, I guess, just should do it.  If I want to go on a hike, I should do that.  I mean, I'm probably not going to hike far enough to get lost, and if I do, I have enough of a fat reserve to keep me safe until someone finds me, unless a bear tries to eat me and leaves me half alive and half dead, too maimed to make it out and I lose a lot of blood and die a slow, painful death.  In that case, it's a bad idea, but I should do it anyway, but I don't.  And, then, I get sad. 

Someone might counter my feelings and say, "hey, at least you had time to relax, I had to work today."  Or, as I make my lunch in the morning before work, I think, I can't believe I'm wasting another day doing what I'm doing.  But then I picture some Pinterest quote saying how each day is a blessing that someone else was not given.  Somewhere else in this world, maybe across the street for all I know, someone doesn't have any food to make a lunch.  Someone doesn't have a job to go to, someone doesn't have a life to live, because they died the day before.  After all, when you consider those things, shouldn't I feel blessed?  Shouldn't I?  What kind of ungrateful human being am I that I am not grateful for the things that I am given?  I still have my sight, my hearing, my ability to walk, while others do not.  And, so what if I could not have a child, not everyone does.  Just ask everyone who has a child, they tell you how lucky you are, after all, with all their kids, surely they are qualified to tell you how lucky you are.  Because any one of them would give up their child in a heartbeat, right?  So, all this worrying about wasting a day I am exchanging a day of life for, what the hell is my problem? 

My problem is, part of me is a fighter and the part of me is fucking tired (as I re-read over this, when I saw "fucking tired" I read it as "fucking retarded."  Same difference, just so we are clear).  And those two parts of me cannot get along.  Why can't I just get a prescription for "anxiety" and smoke pot everyday?  Why can't I just get up and accept this person in the mirror?  Why can't I just be happy sitting in a Cabela's camo-patterned camp chair on my porch petting my dog, drinking a Mike's Hard Lemonade and paying tribute to "puff the magic dragon?"  Why do I have to be like a roller coaster inside that will not stop?  A ride that I am sure everyone wants off of. 

Anyway, speaking of rides being over, I should probably end this one. So many of you have been on this ride before, you poor, sick people, coming back for more.  For those of you I did "My Talking Pet" pet videos for and posted on FB today for you, you are welcome, because that was the freaking highlight of my day.  A day that I exchanged for one day of life.  All for the price of $2.99.  I didn't even have to pay tax on that, either.  Look at me, counting my blessings.