Today was like Pee Wee's Big Adventure in interviewing. By now, it is no secret that I applied for an outside job. Something came up, I threw my hat in the ring, and by the grace of the HR Gods, I was chosen as part of the top seven percent to interview. I've been sick about it since last week when I got the call. Working at the Glass Palace for as long as I have, I'd kind of given up hope. Kinda like in the Never Ending Story when Atrayu's horse dies in the swamps of sadness. You accept your lot in life and you go with it. It's not all bad. I work with some fun people and we survive. Anyway, I was strongly encouraged to apply for this job. It would be less commute, a raise and a new challenge. Why not? I had some friends help me get my resume together, I did the application and just like that, I put myself out there.
I haven't done this in a LONG TIME, so I figured, eh, they probably won't even call me. I was wrong, they did. Crap. I started researching interview tips and tried to consider what they might ask me. I was astounded at the amount of information out there. All the advice on what is and is not acceptable. Some of it even contradictory. I pretty much drove myself and my friends crazy about this. I mean, I know people at work think highly of me and call me the boss and the queen, etc., but ultimately, outside the glass palace, I'm a nobody. I have to prove myself. This could go amazingly well, or I could choke. What if I get too nervous and tongue-tied? What if they ask me questions I'm not prepared for? I tried to tell myself it wasn't a big deal. I mean, I have a job, so if I don't get this one, it's not the end of the world, right? But then I started to think about what change would feel like and how my life might be different and I really started to want it.
Fast-forward to last night. I read the job description again. I start scanning the internet, again. I start considering my experiences, again. I ran across one article that said questions that could be asked are, "if you were an emoticon, which one would it be?" and "if you were an animal, what animal would you be?" What the hell? Why do they need to know that? I thought about it. I would be a lioness. Taking care of the pride, hunting, caring for the cubs, telling daddy lion to get off his lazy ass under the tree and go catch us a gimpy gazelle or something. All the while, the lioness is strong and has good intentions. Sounds legit. Then I read what the unacceptable answers were. Guess what? Lion is the #1 wrong thing to say because it shows you are aggressive. Well Fuck. Now what animal am I going to be? Not a dog, cat, chipmunk, squirrel, raccoon or...beaver. Can you imagine their faces if I said I was a beaver? I don't know where their minds would go, but I wasn't willing to chance it. I just didn't know. I couldn't say honey badger, cuz she don't give a shit. I couldn't say kangaroo, or bunny or field mouse. I had no idea. It was bothering me. Weighing heavy on my mind. I put an APB out on my Facebook messenger to some of my peeps in a wild rant. This is how it all went down:
And then, out of nowhere, I received a FB message from Pinterest Food Porn Girl. She said that I should just say I was a unicorn. I can't say I'm a unicorn in a job interview, can I? Is that legit? I mean, people keep posting all those pictures on my FB telling me if I can be a unicorn, I should always be one. No, it's too risky.
Fast forward to this morning. I'm strangely calm. I put my outfit on, take it off, try some different options and there it is, my interview outfit. I'm feeling good (if we discount the presence of the FCD which is a little binding in the belly area) and I'm calm. No hair or make up crisis. Sure, I feel like I'm going to throw up, but other than that, calm as a cucumber. I start to look at some more interview stuff and then I realize, at some point, I have to do this. I can only do what I can do. It might be a disaster, but I will make it the best darn disaster I can make it! Wait, maybe that is the wrong approach. Anyway, I drove calmly, almost in an out of body state, driving 62 mph on the freeway, hands at 10 & 2 like I'm driving a school bus. I'm in a "special place." I think I'm having an out of body experience. People, if you have not interviewed in a long time, just do it. Go find some place to interview and do it. Don't let this happen to you. Interview impotence. It's real. I don't think there is a pill for it, either, unless you count Xanax or something of that variety.
I'll cut to the chase, I handled the interview okay. I had moments of shining and moments where I could have given stronger answers with more detail. It was very structured and specific. Not a lot of room to talk about my personality, I don't think. At the very end, I asked some questions, which lead to some good discussion. We all seemed to be getting along just dandy, so as we were closing and saying goodbye, I said, "I want to thank you for not asking me the animal question." They laughed and responded that they didn't think anyone asked that anymore. I said, "I don't know, but in my research, I see it is still being touted as legit." They then said, "So, what animal would you be?" You and I both know where this is going. I mean, I especially do, since I was there, but still. I said, "Well, I don't really know what the correct answer is for that question, but if I had to pick, I would say I was a unicorn. It's hard to find someone that works as hard as I do, I'm special and sometimes...(wait for it) I'm magical." Yep. Done. Answered the what animal are you question. I brought it back.
I don't know how this whole thing is going to pan out. The competition is tough. But, I'll say this, I bet they remember me. And, if I do get hired, maybe, just maybe, they'll call me the unicorn girl. Hey, everybody's gotta have a dream. That guy said so in Pretty Woman. And, I believe it.
Stay tuned!
I haven't done this in a LONG TIME, so I figured, eh, they probably won't even call me. I was wrong, they did. Crap. I started researching interview tips and tried to consider what they might ask me. I was astounded at the amount of information out there. All the advice on what is and is not acceptable. Some of it even contradictory. I pretty much drove myself and my friends crazy about this. I mean, I know people at work think highly of me and call me the boss and the queen, etc., but ultimately, outside the glass palace, I'm a nobody. I have to prove myself. This could go amazingly well, or I could choke. What if I get too nervous and tongue-tied? What if they ask me questions I'm not prepared for? I tried to tell myself it wasn't a big deal. I mean, I have a job, so if I don't get this one, it's not the end of the world, right? But then I started to think about what change would feel like and how my life might be different and I really started to want it.
Fast-forward to last night. I read the job description again. I start scanning the internet, again. I start considering my experiences, again. I ran across one article that said questions that could be asked are, "if you were an emoticon, which one would it be?" and "if you were an animal, what animal would you be?" What the hell? Why do they need to know that? I thought about it. I would be a lioness. Taking care of the pride, hunting, caring for the cubs, telling daddy lion to get off his lazy ass under the tree and go catch us a gimpy gazelle or something. All the while, the lioness is strong and has good intentions. Sounds legit. Then I read what the unacceptable answers were. Guess what? Lion is the #1 wrong thing to say because it shows you are aggressive. Well Fuck. Now what animal am I going to be? Not a dog, cat, chipmunk, squirrel, raccoon or...beaver. Can you imagine their faces if I said I was a beaver? I don't know where their minds would go, but I wasn't willing to chance it. I just didn't know. I couldn't say honey badger, cuz she don't give a shit. I couldn't say kangaroo, or bunny or field mouse. I had no idea. It was bothering me. Weighing heavy on my mind. I put an APB out on my Facebook messenger to some of my peeps in a wild rant. This is how it all went down:
"Here's
the 411 on my sitch. I hate the outfit I bought yesterday. I look like
a cow, the jacket doesn't fit right and I don't know what I'm going to
wear. I had an epic sobbing meltdown tonight and when Will asked if I
needed a Mike's Lemonade, I sobbed and hiccuped "no." And when he said,
"what would help?" and I said through sobs, crocodile tears and
whimpering, "ice cream...with chocolate syrup." And then I ate a half
pint of ice cream. I read more interview questions and now I don't know
what the right answer is to what animal I would be because I was
thinking lioness and the article says lion is too aggressive, bunny is
too soft and so now I don't know, maybe a chipmunk cuz they are fast and
cute, or maybe a squirrel because they are friendly to strangers in the
park and collect nuts for the winter. Or, maybe a raccoon because they
are curious and resourceful. I don't know!!! and I don't know what
emoticon I would be either. And, if my previous boss had something
negative to say about me what would it be? I can't say that I use too much sarcasm, I can't put a positive spin on that. I reread the job
description and I don't know what I am thinking. I'm never going to apply for
another job again, I'm going to die at the glass palace with everyone
else. I have no hope. And don't tell me I will be fine because you
don't know, no one knows, are you a psychic now? Are you? no, you're
not. Now I have a headache...and if I were to guess I would say you do
too."
Fast forward to this morning. I'm strangely calm. I put my outfit on, take it off, try some different options and there it is, my interview outfit. I'm feeling good (if we discount the presence of the FCD which is a little binding in the belly area) and I'm calm. No hair or make up crisis. Sure, I feel like I'm going to throw up, but other than that, calm as a cucumber. I start to look at some more interview stuff and then I realize, at some point, I have to do this. I can only do what I can do. It might be a disaster, but I will make it the best darn disaster I can make it! Wait, maybe that is the wrong approach. Anyway, I drove calmly, almost in an out of body state, driving 62 mph on the freeway, hands at 10 & 2 like I'm driving a school bus. I'm in a "special place." I think I'm having an out of body experience. People, if you have not interviewed in a long time, just do it. Go find some place to interview and do it. Don't let this happen to you. Interview impotence. It's real. I don't think there is a pill for it, either, unless you count Xanax or something of that variety.
I'll cut to the chase, I handled the interview okay. I had moments of shining and moments where I could have given stronger answers with more detail. It was very structured and specific. Not a lot of room to talk about my personality, I don't think. At the very end, I asked some questions, which lead to some good discussion. We all seemed to be getting along just dandy, so as we were closing and saying goodbye, I said, "I want to thank you for not asking me the animal question." They laughed and responded that they didn't think anyone asked that anymore. I said, "I don't know, but in my research, I see it is still being touted as legit." They then said, "So, what animal would you be?" You and I both know where this is going. I mean, I especially do, since I was there, but still. I said, "Well, I don't really know what the correct answer is for that question, but if I had to pick, I would say I was a unicorn. It's hard to find someone that works as hard as I do, I'm special and sometimes...(wait for it) I'm magical." Yep. Done. Answered the what animal are you question. I brought it back.
I don't know how this whole thing is going to pan out. The competition is tough. But, I'll say this, I bet they remember me. And, if I do get hired, maybe, just maybe, they'll call me the unicorn girl. Hey, everybody's gotta have a dream. That guy said so in Pretty Woman. And, I believe it.
Stay tuned!
No comments:
Post a Comment