One of my bosses has been gone all week. In his absence, he left Life Coach Barbie in charge. It actually worked out pretty well because she has been super nice. She would be out of her mind to ride my ass this week. She needed me and she knew it. She told everyone, "I'm giving Cassondra the week off from life coaching since she is working extra hard this week while I am filling in." She did, however, calorie block me all week. Someone would say, "Hey Cassondra, I have extra ice cream sandwiches if you want one..." Life Coach Barbie would chime in, "She can't have those." Whatever. You don't get between a fat girl and ice cream. I looked at her and said, with a feeling of victory, "The only reason I am not going to have an ice cream sandwich is because someone already gave me one earlier and I don't think I need two." She shook her head and walked away. You've got to monitor this situation 24/7 if you have any hopes of stopping me. I'm stealthy for a fat girl. And ice cream, that is a covert operation worthy of the risk.
To further prove to Life Coach Barbie that she is not the boss of me, I went so far as to buy some almond Hershey's Kisses while I was at the store picking up some gift cards for work. The only thing that slowed me down from consuming the bag in one afternoon was those damn little foil wrappers. Who decided those were necessary? I mean, they actually have to go to the extra effort to wrap the little bastards up and they have to put one of those stupid tags inside. You think I don't know it is a Hershey's Kiss? I'm damn-well counting on it being a chocolate kiss. Dumb. Then, I'm throwing the wrappers towards my garbage can, which was only a success story a fraction of the time. It looked like a pinata took an explosive dump under my desk. You know how hard it is to get those damn little paper wrappers to fly and make it into the garbage can? Well, it's very hard. And then those damn foil things, even when you ball them up, they bounce off the rim of the garbage can. Son of a bitch. So, now, I'm bent over under the desk trying to pick all this crap up so I don't look like I really did just chain smoke a bag of Hershey Kisses and I go to put my head up and my hair gets stuck in the lock to my desk drawer. I bonked my head on the drawer first, then the lock grabbed a section of my hair, I jerked back and now it looks like my desk drawer has a freaking pony-tail. Crime doesn't pay and my body will not listen. Food karma rears it's ugly head again. Although, I wonder if all that bending over to pick up the wrappers burns calories...? You think? It's a stretch, I know.
This brings me to the "back-up" package of Dove Dark chocolate pieces that have the almonds in them. Those are a better choice. Sure, again they are wrapped, but you get a better throw to the garbage can with those wrappers and no stupid skinny papers telling you it is a Dove chocolate. Also, you don't eat as much dark chocolate because it is so rich. This is what I tell myself and it seems to comfort me in some way.
Anyway, I don't think I am the only person that thinks about food while I am at my desk. Today, the intern from another state instant messages me. He's coming to visit in a couple of weeks to my work site. He says, "Hey are we going to eat together when I come up?" I sat there, baffled. First of all, I don't want to get all friendly and have lunch with the intern. Second, it's two weeks away and NO, I have not considered if we will eat together. Hadn't thought about it and now that I do think about it, I've decided I'm not going to think about it anymore. I wrote back in a language he would understand, "IDK." For those of you uneducated in the lingo of a college intern, that means "I don't know." Then he starts asking if there are a lot of good places to eat and if there is a cafeteria on site. Dude, relax. I tell him there is a McDonalds across the street and vending machines downstairs. He says, and I quote, "oh man, I'm going to have to bring hella snacks! I get hungry." This is the future, people. Today's graduates. I inform him that I bring my lunch and I survive every day. I leave out the part where I binge on chocolate. I blame that on 50 Shades of Grey.
I started to consider the intern's visit a little more. I don't want to be all friendly. Why do people think I'm friendly? I mean, I am friendly, but also, with an air of, "I'll kick your mother-scratching ass if you cross me." I thought I had been clear. Damn it. Well, maybe I'm going to have to scare the intern a little when he is here. No, wait, I just had my mid-year review and my boss told me I had to be nicer to his department. Apparently my sarcasm and my passionate "search for justice and what is right" is not always appreciated. Who knew? Shit. Now I have to be nice to this kid. Ok, I'll do it, but I am not holding hands and skipping to McDonalds because he is hungry. I've got plenty of chocolate to survive on, I don't need his help. I guess I won't worry about it yet. I have two weeks to prepare. And, Life Coach Barbie will be riding my ass again next week, which means I'll probably have a lot of pent up aggression. I pity Hungry Intern, actually. He's toast, no pun intended.
Now, if you will excuse me, I think I hear the dark chocolate M&M's calling from the freezer...and 50 Shades...I'm on page 180...gotta go....
To further prove to Life Coach Barbie that she is not the boss of me, I went so far as to buy some almond Hershey's Kisses while I was at the store picking up some gift cards for work. The only thing that slowed me down from consuming the bag in one afternoon was those damn little foil wrappers. Who decided those were necessary? I mean, they actually have to go to the extra effort to wrap the little bastards up and they have to put one of those stupid tags inside. You think I don't know it is a Hershey's Kiss? I'm damn-well counting on it being a chocolate kiss. Dumb. Then, I'm throwing the wrappers towards my garbage can, which was only a success story a fraction of the time. It looked like a pinata took an explosive dump under my desk. You know how hard it is to get those damn little paper wrappers to fly and make it into the garbage can? Well, it's very hard. And then those damn foil things, even when you ball them up, they bounce off the rim of the garbage can. Son of a bitch. So, now, I'm bent over under the desk trying to pick all this crap up so I don't look like I really did just chain smoke a bag of Hershey Kisses and I go to put my head up and my hair gets stuck in the lock to my desk drawer. I bonked my head on the drawer first, then the lock grabbed a section of my hair, I jerked back and now it looks like my desk drawer has a freaking pony-tail. Crime doesn't pay and my body will not listen. Food karma rears it's ugly head again. Although, I wonder if all that bending over to pick up the wrappers burns calories...? You think? It's a stretch, I know.
This brings me to the "back-up" package of Dove Dark chocolate pieces that have the almonds in them. Those are a better choice. Sure, again they are wrapped, but you get a better throw to the garbage can with those wrappers and no stupid skinny papers telling you it is a Dove chocolate. Also, you don't eat as much dark chocolate because it is so rich. This is what I tell myself and it seems to comfort me in some way.
Anyway, I don't think I am the only person that thinks about food while I am at my desk. Today, the intern from another state instant messages me. He's coming to visit in a couple of weeks to my work site. He says, "Hey are we going to eat together when I come up?" I sat there, baffled. First of all, I don't want to get all friendly and have lunch with the intern. Second, it's two weeks away and NO, I have not considered if we will eat together. Hadn't thought about it and now that I do think about it, I've decided I'm not going to think about it anymore. I wrote back in a language he would understand, "IDK." For those of you uneducated in the lingo of a college intern, that means "I don't know." Then he starts asking if there are a lot of good places to eat and if there is a cafeteria on site. Dude, relax. I tell him there is a McDonalds across the street and vending machines downstairs. He says, and I quote, "oh man, I'm going to have to bring hella snacks! I get hungry." This is the future, people. Today's graduates. I inform him that I bring my lunch and I survive every day. I leave out the part where I binge on chocolate. I blame that on 50 Shades of Grey.
I started to consider the intern's visit a little more. I don't want to be all friendly. Why do people think I'm friendly? I mean, I am friendly, but also, with an air of, "I'll kick your mother-scratching ass if you cross me." I thought I had been clear. Damn it. Well, maybe I'm going to have to scare the intern a little when he is here. No, wait, I just had my mid-year review and my boss told me I had to be nicer to his department. Apparently my sarcasm and my passionate "search for justice and what is right" is not always appreciated. Who knew? Shit. Now I have to be nice to this kid. Ok, I'll do it, but I am not holding hands and skipping to McDonalds because he is hungry. I've got plenty of chocolate to survive on, I don't need his help. I guess I won't worry about it yet. I have two weeks to prepare. And, Life Coach Barbie will be riding my ass again next week, which means I'll probably have a lot of pent up aggression. I pity Hungry Intern, actually. He's toast, no pun intended.
Now, if you will excuse me, I think I hear the dark chocolate M&M's calling from the freezer...and 50 Shades...I'm on page 180...gotta go....
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