Cookies, Unicorn Poop and the best resume - ever

I didn't want to get out of bed today.  I knew nothing good could come from an "Open House" day at work where we try and lure the best of the worst to come work at our company.  I'm not trying to be mean about this, but I understand that someone actually wore a T-shirt that had a rainbow on it  with a pile of poop under it and it said "Unicorn Poop."  Personally, I haven't had to look for a job recently, but I am pretty sure wearing a Unicorn Poop shirt is probably not what I would wear to a perspective employers open house.

At any rate, I got out of bed and got ready for work.  My first stop was Wal-mart.  I had to purchase approx 12 dozen cookies and a bunch of water.  As I checked out the gal looked at me like I was on some sort of cookie cleansing diet, or that possibly, I was creating a new reality show called "Fat Girls Gone Wild."  I explained we were having an open house at my work.  She seemed skeptical. Whatever.  Then my boss informs me that I also need to stop and get some special cupcakes for this little recognition thing at work. Now it would appear I am store hopping for junk food.  I'm innocent.  Framed, really.

My day continues on. Craziness consumes most of my day prepping for the open house and then navigating through the screening process.  Being a "screener" is interesting.  I learn all kinds of things about people.  Most times I keep a straight face and behave...and then there are moments when my inside voice escapes.  Case in point: this gal comes in that I think I have seen before. I asked her if she was here last time.  She said she had been.  I said, "oh, that must be where I know you from."  Then I started asking her questions and she informs me that she worked at Lane Bryant.  For those of you skinny people, Lane Bryant is a clothing store for "plus size" girls.  So, I say to her, "oh, I bet that is where I know you from."  She says, "well, I haven't worked there since 2004."  I said, "Well, I've been fat for a really long time, so that doesn't mean anything."  Perhaps that was an over-share. She seemed semi-amused.  I feel like we bonded, however, really, what I did was just call her out for being fat for a long time too because Lane Bryant usually only hires "chubby" girls.  Awkward.

People kept coming through and I found myself being less able to cope with reality as my tights were really chaffing. I wore a long skirt, which was probably not my best choice for an action packed day. Not to over-share, but I had issues. In order to save myself from any further agitation, thusly leading to further inappropriate comments to potential candidates, I decided the tights needed to come off.  I whined to Valerie one more time and she was like, "GO TAKE THEM OFF."  The problem is that I was wearing these cute boots.  This was a big project to get them off and I sure as hell wasn't taking my shoes off in the women's bathroom. Don't make me go on a rant about that again (read previous bathroom blog for full detail).  I decided the best action to take was to find a pair of scissors.  The scissors and I went in the bathroom and what happened next could only be described as pantyhose mutilation.  The good news is, I didn't have to take my boots off.  The bad news is, the janitor is going to wonder what in the hell happened in there.  No, wait, she won't.  At this point, nothing could possibly surprise her in there.

I finished my tour of duty as a screener and then the best resume of the day came across my desk.  It is a resume that I could only dream of writing.  It was six pages.  The bold heading across the top was "Untitled."  Immediately, I knew... this was solid gold, baby.  This person went on  to describe every job they ever had and listed IN DETAIL the reason they left the company.  I've never seen anything so honest, so pure, so bitter, so angry and I ate it up like candy!  This person left one job due to the boss allegedly scamming them.  Left one job because the boss was breathing down their neck all day. Another job because of a sick family member and my one of my favorite reasons was being let go due their focus on professional wrestling school.  It is the best resume - ever.  I love it when someone is bitter and unafraid to show it.  It sure makes screening easier.

My second favorite resume of the day was the pink one that was sprayed with perfume.  This person is clearly a fan of Legally Blonde.  I am definitely going to do this for my next job.  I mean, that resume got passed around to everyone.  She definitely got noticed.  How about a round of snaps for her?  I'd put a compliment in the snap cup for her.

At 7:20pm, I finally dragged my butt out of there.  The joy from the best resume ever had me on some sort of high.  I called my husband to let him know I was on the way home.  I then kept him on the phone and asked him in depth questions about his feelings and then interrogated him about why he does what he does.  He didn't seem to have answers and quite frankly, didn't like my questions.  I told him I was just curious and then asked him why he was never curious about me.  I mean didn't he find me interesting?  Should I be offended? Am I boring?  He was also unable to answer those questions.  I was actually smiling as I knowingly made him uncomfortable.  I then asked him if he would feed the horses before I got home so that I could just relax when I got there.  He jumped on doing that for me and quickly got off the phone.  He has never been so happy to agree to something and get off the phone as he was tonight.  I smiled.  I'm a little bit evil.  I'm a little bit smart. Maybe next time he will see it coming, but I don't think so.  When I got home the horses were fed.  Mission accomplished.

Can't wait for tomorrow.  I get to go through another open house.  I'm super excited.  You never know who's gonna come in there.  What I do know is, I won't be wearing tights.

Gotta go, Will's watching another episode of American Hogger. I think it's time to have another in-depth conversation....