BUY. THE. MUMU.

 I haven't really complained about my body lately, have I?  I mean, really got involved in addressing an issue?  Well, the wait is over.  Today I'm over it.

Today, I stand up and say, screw you mid-section. Eat shit and die, food baby.  And fuck off lop-sided hips.  All of you, just go to hell. I'm so sick of my straight up and down body with no womanly curves to hold up my clothes.  No booty, just a bunch of jiggly, cottage cheese thighs.  Most "plus-size" girls have some badonk-a-donk to hold up their pants and have, like, an indent between fat rolls to hold the waist of their pants up.  Not me.  Not this slab of beef.

For those of you that may not have ever experienced my unfortunate situation, there is a difference between having fat on your body and being voluptuous.  I'm not voluptuous.  I can't even get the right side of my waist and hips to hold up a pair of jeans.  Today, for example, my jeans, which are actually a bit big for me, decided they would ride up on the left hip, but below the 'ol jelly roll on the right side.  I put a belt on to assist with my crisis.  The problem with that is my freaking food belly decided it was going to push the waist of my jeans down.  So, I'm cinched up with the belt, my waistband has folded over and my belt doesn't even try to help me out and my right side is sticking out like you just busted open a biscuit can.

The belt isn't even trying

I can't operate under these conditions.  Add into the equation that my FCD (fat controlling device) is forcing the band of my bra into my body. Don't get me started on the fact that my boobs are not big enough to hold my bra in place.  The band just slides on up so that it looks like I'm harboring chicken breasts under my bra band, like they are oozing out from underneath.   All I could think was, just give in to what you've always known would be your future.  Don't fight it anymore.  You are a weight-loss failure, there will be no little black dress, just do what nature intended, BUY. THE. MUMU.  Just do it.  It's time.  We can't live like this anymore.  Our man boobs are tired of pretending to know Victoria's Secret, our hips can't support mainstream fashion and we sure as hell don't want to wear skinny jeans.  Skinny jeans for fat people.  I don't get it.  It's like diet water.  It doesn't make sense.  I look like a waffle cone when I wear skinny jeans.  Small at the bottom, big 'ol wide funnel on the top that you could load ice cream in for days!

So, I started looking for mumu's online. I found this beauty right away.

Mumu shopping. This one is a winner.

This girl looks really happy with her choice.  She doesn't seem in distress, no slippage, no busted biscuit.  We don't even know if she is wearing a bra.  I sense she might be, but again, she's adding a little air of mystery, a little, "come see whats discounted at the tent sale" kind of thing.  If you think about it, she's being flirty.  Almost luring the men in.  No one knows what's under there.  She might not even be wearing underpants.  She could be wearing Care Bear underpants and pasties for all we know.  Look at that shade of lipstick she is wearing, she's kind of a seductress. She could be hiding a wanted criminal in that dress.

If that girl can do it, why the hell can't I?  I just need to know, what is the best fabric for a mumu?  Is it a rigid cotton blend that makes you itch or can you really just go with a poly-blend?  I think the pattern is a must to distract the eye from any unflattering shape you may have.  How do you know if a mumu is the right size?  How much leg should really show?  Should you show any skin at all?  I think it is a personal preference, of course, but this girl pictured above is clearly being playful with her choice.

I've got a couple fleece blankets, let's see if I can re-create her splendor.

You don't even know if I'm wearing a bra...or if I have boobs...

Who says I can't be "playful" in this.  I could totally Instagram this shot.

Look at this, pulling the back around to the front...REGAL!

I don't know, I'm still not doing it right.  Not doing the mumu justice.  Let's find more pictures.  I need to know what is socially acceptable, you know?

Here's our sassy minx at it again.  I was right about her.

This lady really does it up nice with accessories and great make-up.

This here is what I think I'm striving for.  And, she was lucky enough to find a hat to go with.

I think what I've learned today is that wearing a mumu is okay.  And, if you accessorize appropriately, you can work it as good as any model on the catwalk.  I just need to let it go.  Stop trying to fight my body and be at one with the cards I was dealt.  As long as I can put a poly-blend tent on this body, there is no reason to fight my belly, bra or jeans ever again!  Hell, I may even start a movement!  Or, maybe I'm joining one already in progress?  I don't know, but the world is about to find out.

My weekend just filled up, mumu shopping is happening!