Do you remember being a kid just playing and then suddenly screaming and your parents came running to see if you were okay? And every time after that, when you screamed or cried, they'd come check on you, maybe having a little slower response-time as they got used to your shenanigans? And then after that, pretty soon, they didn't come running, they figured you were fine. And you were. You didn't die, it was a long way from your heart. That spider didn't kill you (although, I have it on good authority, they seek vengeance on humans all across the world and are Satan's minions and they love the blood of children) nobody bled to death, you grew up and here you are, no worse the wear for getting socked in the arm by that little bastard, Bobby, that lived down the street from you. No worse the wear for falling off your bike or getting shocked from peeing on an electric fence. You're fine. And, your parents have probably lost some sleep along the way worrying about the stupid shit you did, but eventually, they just shrugged and went with it. They may have built up a little resistance to your bullshit. Not that they don't care, but it's all in the day of the life of a parent raising a strong-willed child. Or, maybe you were a little angel and never caused them any pain because you were perfect. (*coughs*) Bullshit.
Anyway, my point in going on about wearing down your parents is that I think it is a good metaphor for what I am experiencing in my life right now, which is, I fear I have developed a numbness to my anger. Perhaps, my give a damn is busted for good.
It's no secret, I can go on a tangent about things that piss me off. I created this Angry Pony blog to help me express those angry rants and to entertain people about the stupid shit that happens in life that really does need to be analyzed or laughed about. In the beginning, it was funny stories, then it went to just raging about everything, then back to random stuff, and then it became a journal in my weight-loss journey and in dealing with my on-going depression and figuring life out. Writing is how I work things out. Weird, but it's how I do it. Well, that and eating...and petting my pony....and watching skinny girls in turmoil on TV...and sex. But I digress. Anyway, in the space I am in mentally right now, I'm coming to discover that while I can get angry about the stupid things in everyday life, like the asshats on the mother trucking freeway on the way home, I'm not really able to reach the kind of anger I need to affect change in my life. That saddens and scares me at the same time.
Is it possible that I have become numb to true anger? I don't mean the kind of numb you get from sitting on the toilet too long reading Cosmo and then you can't stand up because you can't feel your legs, but you have to get up because it hurts, but you're afraid if you get up you'll fall down and someone will find you on the floor with your underwear around your ankles, Cosmo thrown across the floor and you may or may not have left skid marks on the seat. I mean the kind of numb where being mad doesn't seem effective in any way anymore. Some might say that anger never solves anything. I disagree. I think sometimes you have to get so mad about how life is going that you put your foot down and vow to make a change. You change your life. You hit rock-bottom and say, NO MORE. You stop the bullshit because you are driven by this power within. And, somewhere along the line it changes from anger to action and change and then to having a power within you that says, "you know what? There is nothing I can't do." I don't mean the kind of power you need to sit in line at the DMV waiting to renew your drivers license or to sit on Santa's lap at Christmas. Those are short-term, temporary goals. I am talking long-term, change your life stuff.
I've talked before about feeling angry that I have never had "a moment" that made me want/need to change. It's always been there, this need for change. As an overweight infant, toddler, child, teen-ager, young adult and now full-on mid-life crisis unicorn-loving friend-of-chocolate, I've always had to fight for change. And, my body has always fought against me. I have always lost. In 2013, I had hope for the first time in a long time and while I started to succeed, my body betrayed me and then I succumbed to the depression again. I think a part of me figured that was my last chance and I blew it.
My therapist says it is the years of negative re-enforcement that has caused these internal messages of "I can't" and that I need to re-program positive messages in my head. How do I do that when I'm all, "If I read one more Pinterest pin telling me that every day is a blessing and that there is something positive in each day and we get back what we put out to the universe, I'm going lose it!" My therapist has been trying to reprogram me for years. It's like she's trying to take a kitchen mop and equip it to make a flight to the moon and back. I don't think it can be done. See there, that's my problem. Just so you know, we've pin-pointed my problem. It isn't hiding anywhere, it's like an elephant standing in the open prairie, we can see it.
So, am I just so tired of trying to change that I can't get angry enough anymore? I can't get down-right furious that I can't achieve this one thing in life that I want the most? And don't tell me maybe it isn't meant to be, or that I should be happy for what I have. I am happy for what I have, but that does not change my desire and need to be in a healthier body. So, just do it, you say. Stop bitching and just do it. Seems simple. Why can't I dig deep enough to do it? Why can't I get angry enough to do it? Have all the asshats on the freeway cutting me off wore out my give a damn? Where is my inner warrior? Where is Angry Pony?
And so, I'm at a standstill. I'm at a crossroad. I'm at an Taco Bell wanting an Oreo Blizzard from DQ. You know what I mean? Does anyone else feel like this? Is anyone else so overwhelmed by all the hate and anger in the world that you've just succumbed to this place of being where you are just, "meh, whatever?" I don't think you are. I see all the rage on social media all the time. But that is not productive anger, that is just spewing hate, I guess. Totally different. However, people are genuinely upset about what is going on in the world. Do we all feel so helpless to change it that we just accept it and grumble? We just live our life and take what it gives us? We just berate stupid people in You Tube videos because that is our outlet?
I'm asking, how do I stop being numb to the anger? How do I find the courage and strength? I actually encourage your advice, unless you're quoting Buddha, save that shit for Pinterest. And, the first person that quotes me Curly from the movie City Slickers and tells me I gotta figure out this "one thing," I'll throat punch you. See, there is anger, but it isn't going to change my life unless I end up in prison. Not helpful, but on the other hand I bet I could lose weight in prison...
Anyway, my point in going on about wearing down your parents is that I think it is a good metaphor for what I am experiencing in my life right now, which is, I fear I have developed a numbness to my anger. Perhaps, my give a damn is busted for good.
It's no secret, I can go on a tangent about things that piss me off. I created this Angry Pony blog to help me express those angry rants and to entertain people about the stupid shit that happens in life that really does need to be analyzed or laughed about. In the beginning, it was funny stories, then it went to just raging about everything, then back to random stuff, and then it became a journal in my weight-loss journey and in dealing with my on-going depression and figuring life out. Writing is how I work things out. Weird, but it's how I do it. Well, that and eating...and petting my pony....and watching skinny girls in turmoil on TV...and sex. But I digress. Anyway, in the space I am in mentally right now, I'm coming to discover that while I can get angry about the stupid things in everyday life, like the asshats on the mother trucking freeway on the way home, I'm not really able to reach the kind of anger I need to affect change in my life. That saddens and scares me at the same time.
Is it possible that I have become numb to true anger? I don't mean the kind of numb you get from sitting on the toilet too long reading Cosmo and then you can't stand up because you can't feel your legs, but you have to get up because it hurts, but you're afraid if you get up you'll fall down and someone will find you on the floor with your underwear around your ankles, Cosmo thrown across the floor and you may or may not have left skid marks on the seat. I mean the kind of numb where being mad doesn't seem effective in any way anymore. Some might say that anger never solves anything. I disagree. I think sometimes you have to get so mad about how life is going that you put your foot down and vow to make a change. You change your life. You hit rock-bottom and say, NO MORE. You stop the bullshit because you are driven by this power within. And, somewhere along the line it changes from anger to action and change and then to having a power within you that says, "you know what? There is nothing I can't do." I don't mean the kind of power you need to sit in line at the DMV waiting to renew your drivers license or to sit on Santa's lap at Christmas. Those are short-term, temporary goals. I am talking long-term, change your life stuff.
I've talked before about feeling angry that I have never had "a moment" that made me want/need to change. It's always been there, this need for change. As an overweight infant, toddler, child, teen-ager, young adult and now full-on mid-life crisis unicorn-loving friend-of-chocolate, I've always had to fight for change. And, my body has always fought against me. I have always lost. In 2013, I had hope for the first time in a long time and while I started to succeed, my body betrayed me and then I succumbed to the depression again. I think a part of me figured that was my last chance and I blew it.
My therapist says it is the years of negative re-enforcement that has caused these internal messages of "I can't" and that I need to re-program positive messages in my head. How do I do that when I'm all, "If I read one more Pinterest pin telling me that every day is a blessing and that there is something positive in each day and we get back what we put out to the universe, I'm going lose it!" My therapist has been trying to reprogram me for years. It's like she's trying to take a kitchen mop and equip it to make a flight to the moon and back. I don't think it can be done. See there, that's my problem. Just so you know, we've pin-pointed my problem. It isn't hiding anywhere, it's like an elephant standing in the open prairie, we can see it.
So, am I just so tired of trying to change that I can't get angry enough anymore? I can't get down-right furious that I can't achieve this one thing in life that I want the most? And don't tell me maybe it isn't meant to be, or that I should be happy for what I have. I am happy for what I have, but that does not change my desire and need to be in a healthier body. So, just do it, you say. Stop bitching and just do it. Seems simple. Why can't I dig deep enough to do it? Why can't I get angry enough to do it? Have all the asshats on the freeway cutting me off wore out my give a damn? Where is my inner warrior? Where is Angry Pony?
And so, I'm at a standstill. I'm at a crossroad. I'm at an Taco Bell wanting an Oreo Blizzard from DQ. You know what I mean? Does anyone else feel like this? Is anyone else so overwhelmed by all the hate and anger in the world that you've just succumbed to this place of being where you are just, "meh, whatever?" I don't think you are. I see all the rage on social media all the time. But that is not productive anger, that is just spewing hate, I guess. Totally different. However, people are genuinely upset about what is going on in the world. Do we all feel so helpless to change it that we just accept it and grumble? We just live our life and take what it gives us? We just berate stupid people in You Tube videos because that is our outlet?
I'm asking, how do I stop being numb to the anger? How do I find the courage and strength? I actually encourage your advice, unless you're quoting Buddha, save that shit for Pinterest. And, the first person that quotes me Curly from the movie City Slickers and tells me I gotta figure out this "one thing," I'll throat punch you. See, there is anger, but it isn't going to change my life unless I end up in prison. Not helpful, but on the other hand I bet I could lose weight in prison...
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