Dear Bath & Body Works,
I HATE YOUR GUTS! Here's the thing, B&BW, I am sick and tired of you deciding when I get to stop liking my favorite lotion. You just put that smelly over-priced lotion out there and then you hire a bunch of obnoxious lotion-pushing whores and you suck people in with your "3 for $18" or whatever the frig you sell it for. Then, when I have three freaking lotions, it takes me a while to use them. By the time they are gone, I'm like, I really like that stuff, maybe I should get more. BUT NO, I CAN'T! You know why? Because the B&BW bastards have decided to try something else. Oh, don't mind me, I'm just addicted to your fucking lotion and now it isn't there. I guess I'll just go buy some heroin instead!
I'm not bitter...the HELL I'm not!
Never mind, I just won't smell like Cucumber Melon, or Coconut Lime Verbena, or Coconut Breeze or Cool Water Cucumber. Never mind me, the stupid consumer who came into your store for lotion therapy. Never you mind that I have needs. That I need to smell like a summer's afternoon at the beach, or like a sweet piece of fruit. You don't care about me, you just want me to walk out of that store with a 3 pack of lotion, body butter, body cream, body wash, sugar scrub, anti-bacterial hand sanitizer, hand soap, lip gloss, candles, scent warmers, car air fresheners and a bunch of other stuff that I don't freaking need! I hate you. All of you. I want to know who the mastermind is that does this to people. Do you have local criminals on death row creating your mission statement and marketing tactics? People that are sick of smelling themselves and their stinky-ass cell mate? Are those the fascist bastards running your company? ARE THEY?
And, another thing, I don't want to have to go on-line to find something that is practically extinct. I want it in the store, so I can fight my way through your legion of lotion whores and buy it when I want it and not have to pay shipping and handling! If I want to smell like coconut today, then I want it TODAY!
You know what else you did to me, B&BW? You want to hear about something else I am harboring deep-rooted resentment about? I'll tell you. Remember that one year at Christmas time you had some body butter lotion called "Toasted Marshmallow?" DO YOU REMEMBER? I'M ASKING YOU A QUESTION! Well, I remember, because I got some as a gift and when I put it on, I transformed into something that smelled kind of like vanilla frosting and toasted marshmallows. My husband could not deny me anything when I was wearing that stuff. Like, I could get him to have sex with me anytime I put it on. And then, do you know what happened? The season ended and I ran out. There wasn't any on your website, there wasn't any anywhere. I was saddened, but figured I would just wait until Christmas came around again so I could get more. I'd just have a dry spell until then with extra-terrestrial super seducing powers. It's okay, I understand. I'll just smell like coconuts until then. But then, do you know what happened at Christmas? NO FUCKING TOASTED MARSHMALLOW body butter. You know what the little lotion whore said to me? She said that each season you go with new scents. Well, that's freaking great, I'll never get to have sex again, or, I'll have to think of something else...like rubbing gun oil on my skin or fried chicken. Just great. Just fucking great. And, let me tell you, your Vanilla Bean Noel, it's NOT THE SAME. It's not. Not even close.
So, now, you've taken my seasonal favorite away, you've taken away the classics, you've taken away my spring and summer favorites and I'm supposed to swoon when I see one of your sales or freaking coupons? NO. I will not swoon! I visited your store today for some Coconut Lime Breeze or whatever the frig you called it and now you have replaced it with some Hawaiian scented shit. Doesn't even come close. Not even. Sub-par product. After doing several laps in your store and realizing you had ruined my life AGAIN, I left and I'm NEVER COMING BACK! Do you hear me? I'm not. I'm protesting against your shenanigans in bait and switch. I will not spend way too much money on some lame lotion that you won't even have in a few months anyway, even if I did end up liking it. And, I might have bought some sugared shower scrub, but you know what? $14 dollars is highway robbery. I almost threw my hands in the air and dropped my purse right there. I thought this was a stick up! Well, no more. I'm over you. Done. Like, I'm serious, I'm not coming back. I'd rather smell like a pig's armpit, or that crusty part under their tail. That's right, I'd rather smell like a pig's ass and rub it all over my body before I would purchase one more of your piss-poor lotions. That's how much I hate your guts, B&BW.
I hope you choke on your Hawaiian collection of mediocrity. Bastards.
Sincerely,
Not Smelling Like Coconut Lime Verbena!
I HATE YOUR GUTS! Here's the thing, B&BW, I am sick and tired of you deciding when I get to stop liking my favorite lotion. You just put that smelly over-priced lotion out there and then you hire a bunch of obnoxious lotion-pushing whores and you suck people in with your "3 for $18" or whatever the frig you sell it for. Then, when I have three freaking lotions, it takes me a while to use them. By the time they are gone, I'm like, I really like that stuff, maybe I should get more. BUT NO, I CAN'T! You know why? Because the B&BW bastards have decided to try something else. Oh, don't mind me, I'm just addicted to your fucking lotion and now it isn't there. I guess I'll just go buy some heroin instead!
I'm not bitter...the HELL I'm not!
Never mind, I just won't smell like Cucumber Melon, or Coconut Lime Verbena, or Coconut Breeze or Cool Water Cucumber. Never mind me, the stupid consumer who came into your store for lotion therapy. Never you mind that I have needs. That I need to smell like a summer's afternoon at the beach, or like a sweet piece of fruit. You don't care about me, you just want me to walk out of that store with a 3 pack of lotion, body butter, body cream, body wash, sugar scrub, anti-bacterial hand sanitizer, hand soap, lip gloss, candles, scent warmers, car air fresheners and a bunch of other stuff that I don't freaking need! I hate you. All of you. I want to know who the mastermind is that does this to people. Do you have local criminals on death row creating your mission statement and marketing tactics? People that are sick of smelling themselves and their stinky-ass cell mate? Are those the fascist bastards running your company? ARE THEY?
And, another thing, I don't want to have to go on-line to find something that is practically extinct. I want it in the store, so I can fight my way through your legion of lotion whores and buy it when I want it and not have to pay shipping and handling! If I want to smell like coconut today, then I want it TODAY!
You know what else you did to me, B&BW? You want to hear about something else I am harboring deep-rooted resentment about? I'll tell you. Remember that one year at Christmas time you had some body butter lotion called "Toasted Marshmallow?" DO YOU REMEMBER? I'M ASKING YOU A QUESTION! Well, I remember, because I got some as a gift and when I put it on, I transformed into something that smelled kind of like vanilla frosting and toasted marshmallows. My husband could not deny me anything when I was wearing that stuff. Like, I could get him to have sex with me anytime I put it on. And then, do you know what happened? The season ended and I ran out. There wasn't any on your website, there wasn't any anywhere. I was saddened, but figured I would just wait until Christmas came around again so I could get more. I'd just have a dry spell until then with extra-terrestrial super seducing powers. It's okay, I understand. I'll just smell like coconuts until then. But then, do you know what happened at Christmas? NO FUCKING TOASTED MARSHMALLOW body butter. You know what the little lotion whore said to me? She said that each season you go with new scents. Well, that's freaking great, I'll never get to have sex again, or, I'll have to think of something else...like rubbing gun oil on my skin or fried chicken. Just great. Just fucking great. And, let me tell you, your Vanilla Bean Noel, it's NOT THE SAME. It's not. Not even close.
So, now, you've taken my seasonal favorite away, you've taken away the classics, you've taken away my spring and summer favorites and I'm supposed to swoon when I see one of your sales or freaking coupons? NO. I will not swoon! I visited your store today for some Coconut Lime Breeze or whatever the frig you called it and now you have replaced it with some Hawaiian scented shit. Doesn't even come close. Not even. Sub-par product. After doing several laps in your store and realizing you had ruined my life AGAIN, I left and I'm NEVER COMING BACK! Do you hear me? I'm not. I'm protesting against your shenanigans in bait and switch. I will not spend way too much money on some lame lotion that you won't even have in a few months anyway, even if I did end up liking it. And, I might have bought some sugared shower scrub, but you know what? $14 dollars is highway robbery. I almost threw my hands in the air and dropped my purse right there. I thought this was a stick up! Well, no more. I'm over you. Done. Like, I'm serious, I'm not coming back. I'd rather smell like a pig's armpit, or that crusty part under their tail. That's right, I'd rather smell like a pig's ass and rub it all over my body before I would purchase one more of your piss-poor lotions. That's how much I hate your guts, B&BW.
I hope you choke on your Hawaiian collection of mediocrity. Bastards.
Sincerely,
Not Smelling Like Coconut Lime Verbena!
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