I'm just going to come out and say it. I had a bad boob day. I wore one of my bras that didn't have a lot of padding to push what boobs I have up, so they were kind of sagging. Any day that starts out with saggy boobs can't be good. I also wore a dress that is kind of low cut in the front, so it was bugging me. My boobs were jiggling around as I was walking. And, if that isn't bad enough, the dress I wore is one of my favorites, but it has some challenges. It's a ivory colored lace dress with a black slip sewn in so it shows a little of the black through it. My problem is that I also wore a black FCD slip under that (Fat Controlling Device, for you newbies). I went walking into the bathroom and noticed that the FCD slip and the sewn in slip had created a bond and decided to start fornicating in a way that left a lot of leg showing through straight lace. Now, I've said it before and I'll say it again...people...people of the Glass Palace that claim to be my friend, PLEASE TELL ME WHEN I LOOK LIKE A FREAKING PROSTITUTE that appears to be stumbling home drunk after a party. How many times I gotta ask you this?
The struggle is real.
Anyway, I was kind of preoccupied by my low cut dress and sad, sagging boobs. But then, you add NeverShutsUp Barbie to the equation, and it's a stressful day. For those of you that don't know, I have taken to trying to train her through the use of behavioral conditioning. The kind of conditioning that requires the use of a king sized fly swatter that I found and a spray bottle full of water. If it works for cats and dogs, there is no reason to believe that it can't work for a perky co-worker. I have added the words "No-No" to the swatter part of the device. Every time NSUB won't stop talking, she gets swatted and I say, "No-No." If the behavior continues, I resort to the squirt bottle, because correct me if I'm wrong, it doesn't look good for me if I leave waffle pattern welts on her. I think she was testing me today, because she came up and leaned on the front of my desk while she was texting someone. Just pushing the boundaries, as any toddler does. She was in my space uninvited. I grabbed the bottle and managed to get her good in the temple and several other shots to her head before she retreated. She got back to her desk and said, "Cassondra, you got me wet!" And then, her dirty little mind kicked in and she got this sheepish look on her face. Face...palm. I have moments of giving up. NSUB is fiesty. She is a mustang. She is the spirit that cannot be broken. This is going to take some time...and possibly a shock collar. At one point the Boot Bitch Mascot came over and literally beat the crap out of NSUB with the swatter, but NSUB just giggled.
This is just a snapshot into my life today. There were a myriad of other things that happened, some of which I can't talk about, some of which I can, but all of them happened while I was nursing a serious headache. I've got people all around me talking about how they have the flu, the shits, allergies, a strange cough that they don't know what it is, etc. I know three people that have shared with me that they have the shits. Ain't nobody got time for that! Whatever it is they have, I don't want. Then, we have some more testing going on because we are hiring. Riddle me this, Batman, if you are going in for testing and interviewing, would you show up two minutes AFTER the time you are supposed to be there, or are you going to show up 10-15 minutes early? People amaze me. Why is it so hard to get a job out there when all of these Barney's are the ones out there competing with you? Seriously.
Then, in an epic turn of events, I had to give out a hug today. Perky Pony is leaving the Glass Palace and today is her last day. Perky Pony was the last line of defense against NSUB. She was usually able to distract her, or occasionally redirect her focus. I didn't know who would cry first, me or Perky Pony, however, since I had a headache and had been engaged in behavioral conditioning all day, I didn't have any energy left for crying. Don't get me wrong, I am very sad, but today, no tears, which is odd considering the number of days out of the year I do end up crying. Huh. Anyway, I did the next best thing, I walked up to her and told her to prepare herself for an event of a lifetime, a hug given of free will and actual feelings while in the work place. I can't say for sure if it was magical for her, but I put some effort into it and it was genuine. I notice tonight there is a post on my Facebook page saying that 12 hugs a day are required. Uh, no. I mean, I'll hug Shark Bait, hell, I'll even dry hump him if need be, but I'm not going to run around hugging people like a mother trucking hippie. The only thing free in the Glass Palace is disease, not love. <<Shudder.>>
So, that is the long and short of it. The Glass Palace. Headache. People. The shits. Wardrobe drama. Behavioral conditioning. Hugging. It was a full day.
I did ask New Boss on the way out if she believed in April Fool's Day shenanigans, because, frankly, I'm not into them. Luckily, we are on the same page on this. This is good news. Now, the rest of them, that is another story. I mean, I like to think of things to do to people, but I don't actually act on them. For example, tomorrow they are giving out cupcakes for this launch we are doing. I suggested it would be hilarious to put Colon Blow in the cupcakes. Freaking hysterical. Well, until I need to use the bathroom. See, there are consequences to even the best laid plans. Anyway, I'm going to finish my mudslide in my pink Solo cup and head to bed so I can have some more horrifying and disturbing dreams.
Night night kids, and go ahead, have a cupcake tomorrow, I'm sure it's fine.
The struggle is real.
Anyway, I was kind of preoccupied by my low cut dress and sad, sagging boobs. But then, you add NeverShutsUp Barbie to the equation, and it's a stressful day. For those of you that don't know, I have taken to trying to train her through the use of behavioral conditioning. The kind of conditioning that requires the use of a king sized fly swatter that I found and a spray bottle full of water. If it works for cats and dogs, there is no reason to believe that it can't work for a perky co-worker. I have added the words "No-No" to the swatter part of the device. Every time NSUB won't stop talking, she gets swatted and I say, "No-No." If the behavior continues, I resort to the squirt bottle, because correct me if I'm wrong, it doesn't look good for me if I leave waffle pattern welts on her. I think she was testing me today, because she came up and leaned on the front of my desk while she was texting someone. Just pushing the boundaries, as any toddler does. She was in my space uninvited. I grabbed the bottle and managed to get her good in the temple and several other shots to her head before she retreated. She got back to her desk and said, "Cassondra, you got me wet!" And then, her dirty little mind kicked in and she got this sheepish look on her face. Face...palm. I have moments of giving up. NSUB is fiesty. She is a mustang. She is the spirit that cannot be broken. This is going to take some time...and possibly a shock collar. At one point the Boot Bitch Mascot came over and literally beat the crap out of NSUB with the swatter, but NSUB just giggled.
This is just a snapshot into my life today. There were a myriad of other things that happened, some of which I can't talk about, some of which I can, but all of them happened while I was nursing a serious headache. I've got people all around me talking about how they have the flu, the shits, allergies, a strange cough that they don't know what it is, etc. I know three people that have shared with me that they have the shits. Ain't nobody got time for that! Whatever it is they have, I don't want. Then, we have some more testing going on because we are hiring. Riddle me this, Batman, if you are going in for testing and interviewing, would you show up two minutes AFTER the time you are supposed to be there, or are you going to show up 10-15 minutes early? People amaze me. Why is it so hard to get a job out there when all of these Barney's are the ones out there competing with you? Seriously.
Then, in an epic turn of events, I had to give out a hug today. Perky Pony is leaving the Glass Palace and today is her last day. Perky Pony was the last line of defense against NSUB. She was usually able to distract her, or occasionally redirect her focus. I didn't know who would cry first, me or Perky Pony, however, since I had a headache and had been engaged in behavioral conditioning all day, I didn't have any energy left for crying. Don't get me wrong, I am very sad, but today, no tears, which is odd considering the number of days out of the year I do end up crying. Huh. Anyway, I did the next best thing, I walked up to her and told her to prepare herself for an event of a lifetime, a hug given of free will and actual feelings while in the work place. I can't say for sure if it was magical for her, but I put some effort into it and it was genuine. I notice tonight there is a post on my Facebook page saying that 12 hugs a day are required. Uh, no. I mean, I'll hug Shark Bait, hell, I'll even dry hump him if need be, but I'm not going to run around hugging people like a mother trucking hippie. The only thing free in the Glass Palace is disease, not love. <<Shudder.>>
So, that is the long and short of it. The Glass Palace. Headache. People. The shits. Wardrobe drama. Behavioral conditioning. Hugging. It was a full day.
I did ask New Boss on the way out if she believed in April Fool's Day shenanigans, because, frankly, I'm not into them. Luckily, we are on the same page on this. This is good news. Now, the rest of them, that is another story. I mean, I like to think of things to do to people, but I don't actually act on them. For example, tomorrow they are giving out cupcakes for this launch we are doing. I suggested it would be hilarious to put Colon Blow in the cupcakes. Freaking hysterical. Well, until I need to use the bathroom. See, there are consequences to even the best laid plans. Anyway, I'm going to finish my mudslide in my pink Solo cup and head to bed so I can have some more horrifying and disturbing dreams.
Night night kids, and go ahead, have a cupcake tomorrow, I'm sure it's fine.
No comments:
Post a Comment