Have a "girl party" they said. It'll be fun, they said. And, so, I scheduled a Pure Romance party. The hostess said, "Just go in and invite everyone over 18 on your FB page. You'll only get a small percentage that will attend." Okay, I'm not doing that. There are certain people I don't want to know about. I mean, many of these people are work friends. I can't be walking down the hall, pass them and think, I wonder if we ordered the same vibrator? Awkward. I mean, I share a lot of stuff with people via this blog and via the "circle of trust" at my desk each day, but I don't know about this. I went down my list of FB friends. This is complicated, because if I invite this person, then I should invite that person and this person probably wouldn't come anyway, so why invite them? It's complicated. I don't want to exclude anyone that I like and am comfortable with, but maybe I need to keep this party smaller. And, I can't have it at my house, it's a shoebox. I'll have to ask Mom if I can have it at her house. That means Mom's friends mixed with my friends. Hey, that actually could be entertaining, we could learn a lot! Anyway, finally sent my invites out and let the cards fall where they may. Let's see if anyone even wants to come.
Okay, so as it turns out, quite a few people wanted to attend the party. I had my Boot Bitches exclusive club represented, some friends I hadn't seen for a while, my sister had some friends, Mom had some friends, looks like it's a party! The hostess, Lube Lady, arrived and brought in a case that looked just like Shark Bait's gun case. I suspected what she had in there was artillery of a different kind. She got all set up and the guests arrived one by one. I offered them all an adult beverage and we assembled in the front room for our afternoon entertainment.
I was the hostess of the party, so I got the special chair and a sparkly bucket to fill with any product I saw that I was interested in. We started out with a shaving cream called "Coochy." Well, let's just jump right in there and get to the heart of the matter. I mean, who wants a va-jay jay with razor burn or ingrown hairs? I mean, you can use it anywhere, apparently, but I passed on putting it in my bucket. I can barely handle shaving my legs with a razor without bleeding out, let alone shaving my girl parts, I don't need those kind of problems.
Next up was some pheromones. We all got a sample on our wrists. I immediately expressed a concern that we were going to start dry humping each other, but I was assured it was a much more subtle scent, so likely, that would not happen. I was skeptical. We were all looking pretty good, after all.
We then moved on to some lubricants and I was amazed at what I was learning. For example, I didn't know that the outside of my girl bits might be really excited and like a greased pig at the county fair, but the inner part might just be like, "meh, whatever" and not in the mood at all. I mean, I thought the love canal was either invested or not invested, but it turns out that, yeah, in the inner sanctum it can just "check out" of the process. Like, here comes Mr. Happy and it just says, "hey, ease up, dick head." I guess you can get little abrasions up in there. Ladies, lube is important. That's what I learned. And, you know what else I learned, it isn't just the Blue Hairs that experience desert conditions, it can happen to the young too, so all women, get lubed. It's important. Consider this your PSA on the subject. Oh, AND, there are actually lubes you can wear every day to keep yourself "hydrated" and moist. I was concerned we might spontaneously just fall into a splits position, but Lube Lady said, no worries. One person asked if you just took a shower in the morning and then shot a syringe of that crap up there each day, but apparently, a little dab will do ya. Huh. Who knew?
Then, it turns out they've got some products that make it a lot easier to take care of your man. Like, when he comes over and wants you to "whistle," well, you don't have to miss The Bachelor. You can just have him sit down next to you, put this special stuff on the Little General and half-ass it, wait, bad choice of words...um, I mean, you can just put little effort forth and he can get there. We put this stuff on our arms and practiced stroking and blowing on our arms. I don't really know if I believe in this product as my hand never orgasmed. My fingers didn't even shoot out in ecstasy or anything. I didn't put it in my wish bucket.
We continued on with important products, like the one you spray when your sheets need to be "freshened" or even your room. Turns out, if you have hot sex, your room stinks. I stopped the presentation. "Wait, back up...there's a smell? I think we are doing it wrong, I don't know what smell that is..." Yeah, it's true they all said, if you have hot sex, it gets stinky. I was informed that we may not actually be doing it wrong, and that because of the open floor plan of the house, the smell would not be strong. To be sure we are doing it right, we need to go in the bathroom, do it, and do it up good, then leave the bathroom and go back in to smell it. That's what they are talking about. I guess we are gonna have to try this. I mean, I need to know if we are doing it right. This spray is also good for the wet spot on your sheets. Yeah, turns out that most men start out with you on their side of the bed, but when they are ready to finish, somehow you are both on your side of the bed and, yep, you guessed it, wet spot. I sat there nodding my head. I was not alone. I guess Shark Bait is just doing what genetics force him to do. Spooge on my side of the bed. I guess he can't help it, and great news! There is a spray for that. Add that to the bucket!
Now it was time for a game. A game that was a series of questions. If you answered yes to the question, you had to move one seat to the right. If your answer was no, you stayed there. That meant that if the person next to you needed to move to your spot, they had to sit on your lap. We all laughed as some people were three people deep in one spot. Some people were a little more "freaky" and moved right along. Some question examples: "Have you masterbated in the last 10 days?" There was a lot of movement there. "Have you ever had a one night stand?" I was horrified to see my Mom take a step to the right. What just happened? Whoa. "Have you ever faked an orgasm?" Ladies, ladies...don't ever fake it, that's not helping them learn. No reward for not putting in the work, that's my motto. Anyway, we learned a lot about each other. My sister made it back to her original chair first. No surprise there, that girl has some stories. I need more stories. Seriously.
Alright, enough dancing around, time for the big show. It's time for the toys to come out. I'm not going to elaborate a lot about this. <-- what? Of course I am. She brings out this first one called Buzz. Look how cute it is, it has a little bee on it and then the essential piece that allegedly will find our G-spot. She asked for a raise of hands of who had found their G-spot. I'm not even gonna lie, I don't think I know where mine is. She passed Buzz around. Now, Buzz has SEVEN speeds. He is currently on number three in the settings. I'm fairly certain my girl parts would not be able to survive whatever level seven had in store because level three had that bee in a freaking frenzy. Like, I need a safe word just holding it. Huh. Maybe I need a Buzz in my life? That's what I thought until I met another G-spot finder named Wanda. She was going to help me find my G-spot, for sure. She seemed flexible and committed to getting all up in there. Again, more speed settings than I could possibly need, but hey, she seems like a fun gal. We all joked about these products as we passed them around and giggled like girls do. Then, Lube Lady pulls out Mr. Dependable. Biggest purple dildo I've ever seen. I mean, I haven't seen a lot of purple dildo's...or dildo's of any color really, but this was BIG. And, Mr. Dependable had a suction cup on him. I could put him in the shower, on my mirror, on my window, on the washing machine, I can take that thing anywhere! One thing I could definitely depend on, if I spent too much time with Mr. Dependable, I could depend on that fact that I could probably park a semi up in my love zone, you know what I mean? Big. Purple. Dildo. He did not go in the wish bucket. Now if it would have been pink...different story...HA! just kidding.
The party continued with vibrating bullets and c-rings and then, shit got real. Lube Lady brought out TOM. Stop right there. My father-in-law's name is Tom. I was suddenly traumatized. This thing looked like it was created by NASA. It had a control station at the bottom, it was freaking huge and it turned, it twisted, it vibrated, it went up and then back down. It was an amusement park for your vagina. I just stared at it wondering if it would tickle my intestines. I didn't think my love canal was that long and frankly, I was scared to find out. We all passed it around with a little awe in our faces as we watched it go through it's routine. The biggest concern was accessing the control panel at the bottom. If I am using this damn thing an I need to abort the mission, holy shit, people, I need someone at the helm, you know what I mean? I need mission control to handle this situation. TOM was not going in my bucket.
Finally, after we had previewed the products in Lube Lady's kit, we all got a catalog to look at the other stuff available. For me, this was the question and answer part of the show. There was some stuff in there that made me look at the catalog like a dog looking at a TV. I mean, I get what this part does, but why the dangly things that look like midieval weaponry? I guess it is all part of the process. Look, I'm not a prude, but when it comes to ice cream, I like vanilla with chocolate on top...and sometimes assorted toppings. Some of this stuff is definitely a mystery to me. The fact that my friends were less mystified was comforting in one way, disturbing in another, but made me question what the hell is going on in my life? Clearly, my sex jedi knight training is not complete. Looks like this girl needs a light saber.
Anyway, we all had a really good time and we can't really talk about who is most likely to participate in butt play and who already owns the pink swing, but I think we can all agree we all want me to order the pink strap on dildo so I can wear it on my head at Halloween and say, "I'm a unicorn!" It's only $39. I think that is reasonable.
That concludes this blog edition of Sexy Time at Cassondra's Mom's House. Thank you for joining us...and if you'd like to order off of my party, I can hook you up with Lube Lady, she's fun and educational!
Hit me up, girlfriend!
Okay, so as it turns out, quite a few people wanted to attend the party. I had my Boot Bitches exclusive club represented, some friends I hadn't seen for a while, my sister had some friends, Mom had some friends, looks like it's a party! The hostess, Lube Lady, arrived and brought in a case that looked just like Shark Bait's gun case. I suspected what she had in there was artillery of a different kind. She got all set up and the guests arrived one by one. I offered them all an adult beverage and we assembled in the front room for our afternoon entertainment.
I was the hostess of the party, so I got the special chair and a sparkly bucket to fill with any product I saw that I was interested in. We started out with a shaving cream called "Coochy." Well, let's just jump right in there and get to the heart of the matter. I mean, who wants a va-jay jay with razor burn or ingrown hairs? I mean, you can use it anywhere, apparently, but I passed on putting it in my bucket. I can barely handle shaving my legs with a razor without bleeding out, let alone shaving my girl parts, I don't need those kind of problems.
Next up was some pheromones. We all got a sample on our wrists. I immediately expressed a concern that we were going to start dry humping each other, but I was assured it was a much more subtle scent, so likely, that would not happen. I was skeptical. We were all looking pretty good, after all.
We then moved on to some lubricants and I was amazed at what I was learning. For example, I didn't know that the outside of my girl bits might be really excited and like a greased pig at the county fair, but the inner part might just be like, "meh, whatever" and not in the mood at all. I mean, I thought the love canal was either invested or not invested, but it turns out that, yeah, in the inner sanctum it can just "check out" of the process. Like, here comes Mr. Happy and it just says, "hey, ease up, dick head." I guess you can get little abrasions up in there. Ladies, lube is important. That's what I learned. And, you know what else I learned, it isn't just the Blue Hairs that experience desert conditions, it can happen to the young too, so all women, get lubed. It's important. Consider this your PSA on the subject. Oh, AND, there are actually lubes you can wear every day to keep yourself "hydrated" and moist. I was concerned we might spontaneously just fall into a splits position, but Lube Lady said, no worries. One person asked if you just took a shower in the morning and then shot a syringe of that crap up there each day, but apparently, a little dab will do ya. Huh. Who knew?
Then, it turns out they've got some products that make it a lot easier to take care of your man. Like, when he comes over and wants you to "whistle," well, you don't have to miss The Bachelor. You can just have him sit down next to you, put this special stuff on the Little General and half-ass it, wait, bad choice of words...um, I mean, you can just put little effort forth and he can get there. We put this stuff on our arms and practiced stroking and blowing on our arms. I don't really know if I believe in this product as my hand never orgasmed. My fingers didn't even shoot out in ecstasy or anything. I didn't put it in my wish bucket.
We continued on with important products, like the one you spray when your sheets need to be "freshened" or even your room. Turns out, if you have hot sex, your room stinks. I stopped the presentation. "Wait, back up...there's a smell? I think we are doing it wrong, I don't know what smell that is..." Yeah, it's true they all said, if you have hot sex, it gets stinky. I was informed that we may not actually be doing it wrong, and that because of the open floor plan of the house, the smell would not be strong. To be sure we are doing it right, we need to go in the bathroom, do it, and do it up good, then leave the bathroom and go back in to smell it. That's what they are talking about. I guess we are gonna have to try this. I mean, I need to know if we are doing it right. This spray is also good for the wet spot on your sheets. Yeah, turns out that most men start out with you on their side of the bed, but when they are ready to finish, somehow you are both on your side of the bed and, yep, you guessed it, wet spot. I sat there nodding my head. I was not alone. I guess Shark Bait is just doing what genetics force him to do. Spooge on my side of the bed. I guess he can't help it, and great news! There is a spray for that. Add that to the bucket!
Now it was time for a game. A game that was a series of questions. If you answered yes to the question, you had to move one seat to the right. If your answer was no, you stayed there. That meant that if the person next to you needed to move to your spot, they had to sit on your lap. We all laughed as some people were three people deep in one spot. Some people were a little more "freaky" and moved right along. Some question examples: "Have you masterbated in the last 10 days?" There was a lot of movement there. "Have you ever had a one night stand?" I was horrified to see my Mom take a step to the right. What just happened? Whoa. "Have you ever faked an orgasm?" Ladies, ladies...don't ever fake it, that's not helping them learn. No reward for not putting in the work, that's my motto. Anyway, we learned a lot about each other. My sister made it back to her original chair first. No surprise there, that girl has some stories. I need more stories. Seriously.
Alright, enough dancing around, time for the big show. It's time for the toys to come out. I'm not going to elaborate a lot about this. <-- what? Of course I am. She brings out this first one called Buzz. Look how cute it is, it has a little bee on it and then the essential piece that allegedly will find our G-spot. She asked for a raise of hands of who had found their G-spot. I'm not even gonna lie, I don't think I know where mine is. She passed Buzz around. Now, Buzz has SEVEN speeds. He is currently on number three in the settings. I'm fairly certain my girl parts would not be able to survive whatever level seven had in store because level three had that bee in a freaking frenzy. Like, I need a safe word just holding it. Huh. Maybe I need a Buzz in my life? That's what I thought until I met another G-spot finder named Wanda. She was going to help me find my G-spot, for sure. She seemed flexible and committed to getting all up in there. Again, more speed settings than I could possibly need, but hey, she seems like a fun gal. We all joked about these products as we passed them around and giggled like girls do. Then, Lube Lady pulls out Mr. Dependable. Biggest purple dildo I've ever seen. I mean, I haven't seen a lot of purple dildo's...or dildo's of any color really, but this was BIG. And, Mr. Dependable had a suction cup on him. I could put him in the shower, on my mirror, on my window, on the washing machine, I can take that thing anywhere! One thing I could definitely depend on, if I spent too much time with Mr. Dependable, I could depend on that fact that I could probably park a semi up in my love zone, you know what I mean? Big. Purple. Dildo. He did not go in the wish bucket. Now if it would have been pink...different story...HA! just kidding.
The party continued with vibrating bullets and c-rings and then, shit got real. Lube Lady brought out TOM. Stop right there. My father-in-law's name is Tom. I was suddenly traumatized. This thing looked like it was created by NASA. It had a control station at the bottom, it was freaking huge and it turned, it twisted, it vibrated, it went up and then back down. It was an amusement park for your vagina. I just stared at it wondering if it would tickle my intestines. I didn't think my love canal was that long and frankly, I was scared to find out. We all passed it around with a little awe in our faces as we watched it go through it's routine. The biggest concern was accessing the control panel at the bottom. If I am using this damn thing an I need to abort the mission, holy shit, people, I need someone at the helm, you know what I mean? I need mission control to handle this situation. TOM was not going in my bucket.
Finally, after we had previewed the products in Lube Lady's kit, we all got a catalog to look at the other stuff available. For me, this was the question and answer part of the show. There was some stuff in there that made me look at the catalog like a dog looking at a TV. I mean, I get what this part does, but why the dangly things that look like midieval weaponry? I guess it is all part of the process. Look, I'm not a prude, but when it comes to ice cream, I like vanilla with chocolate on top...and sometimes assorted toppings. Some of this stuff is definitely a mystery to me. The fact that my friends were less mystified was comforting in one way, disturbing in another, but made me question what the hell is going on in my life? Clearly, my sex jedi knight training is not complete. Looks like this girl needs a light saber.
Anyway, we all had a really good time and we can't really talk about who is most likely to participate in butt play and who already owns the pink swing, but I think we can all agree we all want me to order the pink strap on dildo so I can wear it on my head at Halloween and say, "I'm a unicorn!" It's only $39. I think that is reasonable.
That concludes this blog edition of Sexy Time at Cassondra's Mom's House. Thank you for joining us...and if you'd like to order off of my party, I can hook you up with Lube Lady, she's fun and educational!
Hit me up, girlfriend!
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