I was looking at my blog history recently and realized that I have spent a lot of time talking about bodily functions and shit. I don't think it is because I am fascinated by it, or because I'm drawn to it, but I seem to be surrounded by the fallout...a lot. At work, everyone thinks it is hilarious to tell me all about the bathroom conditions and they assume that I think it is funny. It isn't that I think it is funny as much as it is the fact that I can't believe what humans do in a public restroom. I've tried to educate the public and shame the offenders, but it is an uphill battle in a down the drain world. As far as my own bodily drama, well sometimes that is just funny.
Today is another shining example of why I have to blog about shit. I want to start off stating that I really am not in the mood for people this week. Shark week is approaching (like the sharks are circling the boat) and I have had a monster headache for two days. To say I didn't want to go to work today was an understatement. As I was arriving in the parking lot, my phone starts to blow up with messages. Apparently, there was some sort of water main break, our server room was flooded and the water was turned off to the building. This meant, no phone, no internet, and as God is my witness....we are not allowed to flush the mother trucking toilets. We can use them, apparently, but we are not allowed to flush them and there is no way to wash our hands.
Now,let's just take a step back for a moment, shall we? On ANY GIVEN DAY, it is likely that we are walking and living among those that do not flush the toilet or wash their hands. And now, you are telling me, the rest of us are not allowed to either? This just turned into defcon "you-gotta-be-shitting-me" five.
I come walking down the stairs and a crowd has assembled. After all, they can't do their jobs because all of our systems are down due to the server that is now swimming in Lake Icantpoo. One of the gals that is ALWAYS telling me bathroom drama comes right up in my face saying, loudly, "Who's gonna flush all the toilets once the water is turned back on?! Is that going to be you since you are in charge of the bathrooms?! hahahahaha..." I wasn't ready for this. I felt my uterus lock and load, somebody was going to be verbally assaulted today. I looked at her, totally pissed off (no pun intended) and said, "Just STOP. Don't even start with me." I turned and tried to get to the alleged safety of my desk.
First of all, I am not "in charge" of the bathroom, bitches. No where in my job description does it say anything about bathroom responsibilities. My only mistake has been to report the animalistic behavior as it arises. And, you know what? It isn't even fair to call it "animalistic" because you know why? My dog doesn't finger paint his poop all over the wall. He finds just the right spot, drops his turds in a nice campfire wood formation and walks away. Sometimes he gives the ground a couple of back feet peel out marks and walks away. No excessive use of toilet paper was encountered, no clogging of pipes. Why do animals get a bad reputation? Even when he lifts his leg to pee, he hits his target. No, these people aren't animalistic, I'll have to think of a different term. At any rate, getting in my face first thing in the morning was this gal's first mistake, her second was getting in it about the frigging bathroom. I take a moment to fantasize about giving her a swirly in one of the unflushed toilets and then continue to my desk.
After getting to my desk and talking to New Boss, I have a better idea of what is going on. They want me to go get water for everyone that is currently attempting to work in the building. That's a lie, people aren't attempting to work, they are just successfully complaining. "I have to pee, how am I supposed to pee?!" Look, I don't see the logic, personally, in going to get water when these people clearly have water trapped in their body that already wants out. And, all of those walking around with their coffee...I sure hope their coffee already did it's job at home, otherwise, we are going to have a bigger problem at hand. Nonetheless, I do what I am told, and off I go with the help of one of our supervisors. We return with 500 bottles of water and the crowd is now crankier than before I left and that was only about 20 minutes ago. I inform the high priestess admin upstairs that we have returned with water. She replies, "oh, should I cancel the Crystal Springs delivery then?" We ordered water? Then why in the fuck did I go to the store and lug in 500 freaking bottles that people are too scared to drink?!? Again, my uterus twitched and I visibly shuddered. Moving on...
I was instructed to take a couple cases of water downstairs to the new hire classroom. No elevator? No problem, I'll just grab one of "my people" to help me lug it down there. Sigh. Once down in the classroom, I tried to reassure them that although the elevator hasn't worked since they started on February 2nd and that we can't keep their training room cooled down and now this, that the building was NOT falling apart and to please "keep the faith." They seemed skeptical. I don't think they believed me. I left, clearly my work here was done.
Back upstairs I go and spend more time waiting for the verdict. The powers that be were trying to assess the damages and if we would be back up and running anytime soon. Since the elevator shaft had approx 5-6 feet of water in it and we needed a big back hoe to come in to fix the water problem, it didn't seem likely. AND, the bathrooms, ironically, were the least of our problems, our server room has to "dry out" so that we can get back on-line and take calls...but before it can dry out, we gotta get the water to stop coming in. Finally, they made the decision to close us down and send us home. If people can't pee and can't take calls, not much left to do here. I'll take a beautiful day off, thank you very much. I would like to get paid to have the time off, however, I guess I'll take the time regardless.
As I pulled out of the parking lot, I saw the port-a-potty truck pulling in. Oh yeah, shit just got real. One of my friends reported that he doesn't use port-a-potties and he won't. He won't even poop at work or in a public restroom, so no way is he going to use one. You learn a lot about people in a "crisis." I think he just earned himself a blog name...Poop Nazi...he says where, he says when...you don't tell him where to poop and his body doesn't tell him either, he is the master of his bowels...maybe he should be Bowel Master (BM for short) Hmmmm.... As Sassy Pants says, "If there is no Dave Matthews concert on site, I'm not going in a port-a-potty." I mean, I get they are nasty, but hey, you sit in a stall where you see your neighbors feet and hear grunting or other weird things and suddenly a port-a-potty is out of the question? We'll be lucky if the homeless population doesn't move in before we can use them anyway. I get it is primitive, after all, this is the Glass Palace, we have much higher expectations...
I will say this about today's "event," if this had been an actual emergency, my people would surely have lost their minds or perished. You would have thought this was post-apocalyptic conditions. Like, The Day After type shit. I saw people near hysteria about going pee. I get we all have to pee, but people, people, calm down. I get that this is inconvenient. I get that it is gross, but the reality is, a water main broke. This building is old. Shit happens (we prove that EVERYDAY). Even new buildings have this type of stuff happen. We are going to be okay. There is no need to huddle in corners and wonder if tomorrow will ever come. You are going to be able to leave this place, go across the street and pee in McDonald's bathroom. And then, the rest of your day is going to be fine. You will not perish here. You will be able to poop again. You will, I believe it in my heart. Dear Lord, please do not bring a real disaster upon us for the sake of mankind in the call center. Please.
Anyway, I'll keep you all updated if the saga escalates any further. For the time being, we are all safe. I don't know about anyone else, but I came home and peed, flushed and washed my hands with abandon. Not because i had to, but because I could. Damn right.
Oh and if you haven't already checked in with your loved ones, do that now, it was a close call out there today...but we're okay.
Today is another shining example of why I have to blog about shit. I want to start off stating that I really am not in the mood for people this week. Shark week is approaching (like the sharks are circling the boat) and I have had a monster headache for two days. To say I didn't want to go to work today was an understatement. As I was arriving in the parking lot, my phone starts to blow up with messages. Apparently, there was some sort of water main break, our server room was flooded and the water was turned off to the building. This meant, no phone, no internet, and as God is my witness....we are not allowed to flush the mother trucking toilets. We can use them, apparently, but we are not allowed to flush them and there is no way to wash our hands.
Now,let's just take a step back for a moment, shall we? On ANY GIVEN DAY, it is likely that we are walking and living among those that do not flush the toilet or wash their hands. And now, you are telling me, the rest of us are not allowed to either? This just turned into defcon "you-gotta-be-shitting-me" five.
I come walking down the stairs and a crowd has assembled. After all, they can't do their jobs because all of our systems are down due to the server that is now swimming in Lake Icantpoo. One of the gals that is ALWAYS telling me bathroom drama comes right up in my face saying, loudly, "Who's gonna flush all the toilets once the water is turned back on?! Is that going to be you since you are in charge of the bathrooms?! hahahahaha..." I wasn't ready for this. I felt my uterus lock and load, somebody was going to be verbally assaulted today. I looked at her, totally pissed off (no pun intended) and said, "Just STOP. Don't even start with me." I turned and tried to get to the alleged safety of my desk.
First of all, I am not "in charge" of the bathroom, bitches. No where in my job description does it say anything about bathroom responsibilities. My only mistake has been to report the animalistic behavior as it arises. And, you know what? It isn't even fair to call it "animalistic" because you know why? My dog doesn't finger paint his poop all over the wall. He finds just the right spot, drops his turds in a nice campfire wood formation and walks away. Sometimes he gives the ground a couple of back feet peel out marks and walks away. No excessive use of toilet paper was encountered, no clogging of pipes. Why do animals get a bad reputation? Even when he lifts his leg to pee, he hits his target. No, these people aren't animalistic, I'll have to think of a different term. At any rate, getting in my face first thing in the morning was this gal's first mistake, her second was getting in it about the frigging bathroom. I take a moment to fantasize about giving her a swirly in one of the unflushed toilets and then continue to my desk.
After getting to my desk and talking to New Boss, I have a better idea of what is going on. They want me to go get water for everyone that is currently attempting to work in the building. That's a lie, people aren't attempting to work, they are just successfully complaining. "I have to pee, how am I supposed to pee?!" Look, I don't see the logic, personally, in going to get water when these people clearly have water trapped in their body that already wants out. And, all of those walking around with their coffee...I sure hope their coffee already did it's job at home, otherwise, we are going to have a bigger problem at hand. Nonetheless, I do what I am told, and off I go with the help of one of our supervisors. We return with 500 bottles of water and the crowd is now crankier than before I left and that was only about 20 minutes ago. I inform the high priestess admin upstairs that we have returned with water. She replies, "oh, should I cancel the Crystal Springs delivery then?" We ordered water? Then why in the fuck did I go to the store and lug in 500 freaking bottles that people are too scared to drink?!? Again, my uterus twitched and I visibly shuddered. Moving on...
I was instructed to take a couple cases of water downstairs to the new hire classroom. No elevator? No problem, I'll just grab one of "my people" to help me lug it down there. Sigh. Once down in the classroom, I tried to reassure them that although the elevator hasn't worked since they started on February 2nd and that we can't keep their training room cooled down and now this, that the building was NOT falling apart and to please "keep the faith." They seemed skeptical. I don't think they believed me. I left, clearly my work here was done.
Back upstairs I go and spend more time waiting for the verdict. The powers that be were trying to assess the damages and if we would be back up and running anytime soon. Since the elevator shaft had approx 5-6 feet of water in it and we needed a big back hoe to come in to fix the water problem, it didn't seem likely. AND, the bathrooms, ironically, were the least of our problems, our server room has to "dry out" so that we can get back on-line and take calls...but before it can dry out, we gotta get the water to stop coming in. Finally, they made the decision to close us down and send us home. If people can't pee and can't take calls, not much left to do here. I'll take a beautiful day off, thank you very much. I would like to get paid to have the time off, however, I guess I'll take the time regardless.
As I pulled out of the parking lot, I saw the port-a-potty truck pulling in. Oh yeah, shit just got real. One of my friends reported that he doesn't use port-a-potties and he won't. He won't even poop at work or in a public restroom, so no way is he going to use one. You learn a lot about people in a "crisis." I think he just earned himself a blog name...Poop Nazi...he says where, he says when...you don't tell him where to poop and his body doesn't tell him either, he is the master of his bowels...maybe he should be Bowel Master (BM for short) Hmmmm.... As Sassy Pants says, "If there is no Dave Matthews concert on site, I'm not going in a port-a-potty." I mean, I get they are nasty, but hey, you sit in a stall where you see your neighbors feet and hear grunting or other weird things and suddenly a port-a-potty is out of the question? We'll be lucky if the homeless population doesn't move in before we can use them anyway. I get it is primitive, after all, this is the Glass Palace, we have much higher expectations...
I will say this about today's "event," if this had been an actual emergency, my people would surely have lost their minds or perished. You would have thought this was post-apocalyptic conditions. Like, The Day After type shit. I saw people near hysteria about going pee. I get we all have to pee, but people, people, calm down. I get that this is inconvenient. I get that it is gross, but the reality is, a water main broke. This building is old. Shit happens (we prove that EVERYDAY). Even new buildings have this type of stuff happen. We are going to be okay. There is no need to huddle in corners and wonder if tomorrow will ever come. You are going to be able to leave this place, go across the street and pee in McDonald's bathroom. And then, the rest of your day is going to be fine. You will not perish here. You will be able to poop again. You will, I believe it in my heart. Dear Lord, please do not bring a real disaster upon us for the sake of mankind in the call center. Please.
Anyway, I'll keep you all updated if the saga escalates any further. For the time being, we are all safe. I don't know about anyone else, but I came home and peed, flushed and washed my hands with abandon. Not because i had to, but because I could. Damn right.
Oh and if you haven't already checked in with your loved ones, do that now, it was a close call out there today...but we're okay.
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