Well, 2014 is in the can. It's over. It was supposed to be the Year of Angry Pony. Well, I don't know if it was "my year," but it was a year worth reflecting on none the less. Any year lived and survived is worth reflection, I suppose.
Last year around this time I found myself in an almost "optimistic" place and set all kinds of challenges for myself. I was going to get my shit together and LIVE my life. I got off to a great start with my goal book, and trying new healthy meals and going to the gym. I encountered many hurdles at the gym with my body fighting me every step of the way. I worked-out with Ass Kicker and he helped guide me and push me and after just a short time, I came to realize that I liked the challenge. I actually enjoyed pushing myself and seeing my body change before my eyes, seeing "baby abs" and muscle definition starting to form on the back of my thighs. I felt invincible and like I could do this. I was excited that I found my inner athlete. I didn't know she existed.
I even cut my hair short. I was feeling brave. Like, maybe soon I would be able to rock a shorter skirt. I noticed, and could feel, my collar bones for the first time. Maybe I'm not smiling in these pictures I am posting, but on the inside, I was feeling confident. I'm not big on smiling in pictures, never really have been, so for every person that says, "you should really smile," I say to you, pick your battles, because I have been battling this body for a lifetime. When I'm ready, I will. A genuine, light up the room, smile. Someday. Wait for it. Until then, let me be who I need to be to survive each day and know that I am okay with what I'm putting out there.
In May, I took my good horse, Lola, out to our first trail challenge event. We weren't ready to compete on any level as we had not worked together that much, but it was a great start to having hope for getting back in the swing of things with my horses. It was a good day spent with my sister and friends. I felt like the part of me that had been missing for so long, the part that lived for her horses, I felt like that part was truly coming back. I had missed that part so much.
And then, one day at the gym not long after my pony event debut, my work-out was too much. We pushed too hard. I could hardly walk and my hips screamed in pain, my shoulder screamed in pain, my sciatic screamed in pain. I stopped going to the gym and over the next two months I saw doctor after doctor, but no one had answers. I was angry, depressed, defeated. My body had, once again, let me down. I went to the Fat Doctors and they tried to put me on some medications to help me continue on my journey. Those turned out to be unsuccessful. I went to The Rug Doctor and we discussed that being on anti-depressants didn't have to be a bad thing and that maybe it would be helpful. And so the journey of finding a balanced place for my emotions and giving my body a chance to recover began.
The next few months I made a few attempts at returning to the gym, each time results frustrating me until I just stopped going all together. I let the darkness in and watched all the progress I had made just disappear. This only made things worse. Looking at myself every day in the mirror and being disappointed in myself and knowing that my jeans were just a bit tighter than they were before. I would pass someone at work and they would say, "You look so great, you can tell you are really losing weight!" I would die inside each time. Hating myself, because I knew the truth.
The summer was full of struggle and angst for me, personally. No vacations or adventures, really. It just seemed to slip by. I tried to keep the momentum up with my horse, but our pretty dry summer made the ground very hard and it was difficult to get the work-outs in here at home that I needed to with Lola to keep us moving forward. I had a week of vacation in July and spent each day riding Lola, but at the end of the week, my hips ached. So, now, for the most part, the riding stopped again.
In the fall, in an effort to hold on to the mental and physical progress I had made earlier in the year, I went and made a purchase that would make my heart happy, if only briefly. I bought my first pair of boots. Not cowboy boots, but the kind of fashionable boots that all the "cool" girls wear in the fall. It was the first time I was able to find a pair that would fit my calves. While they were wide-calf boots, they were still the mark of an accomplishment that I had dreamed of for a long time. I wore them nervously the first time in public, but then after that, I found the "tramp walk" that I can't seem to keep myself from doing when I wear them, and it was empowering. I would try to re-harness some hope and get back in the game.
Shortly after the great boot-love event, Shark Bait and I suffered a pretty significant financial blow and my good dog Spanky started losing his vision. And then, Shark Bait's dog had a back injury. And then, after attending a trail clinic with Lola, she came down with a pony cold, which required a vet visit, meds and discovering Scruffy was also sick. I felt over-whelmed and hopeless that anything would get better and I was devastated that my baby boy was losing his eye-sight. I think at this point, I gave up pretty hard.
Enter the holiday season. So much pressure, so much stress. Shark Bait and I decided that we needed to stop the madness and focus on us as a couple and take care of our needs instead of worrying about what everyone else wanted or expected. I made a deal with myself that I would try and be kind to myself and that Shark Bait and I would take the time to enjoy the holidays with fun stuff instead of just frantically surviving it like we have in the past. I decided to stop the anti-depressants as they were enabling me to become an uninspired blob and I had zero enthusiasm about anything. I promised myself that I would walk two 5-K's by the end of the year, that we would have a fun holiday get-a-way, and that I would take pressure off of myself about losing weight and the Little Black Dress promise I had made at the beginning of 2014.
I kept those promises to myself and to Shark Bait. I walked both 5K's without any pain to my body, which was exciting and Shark Bait and I took a get-a-way weekend to Leavenworth for the Christmas lighting ceremony.
Now, about the Little Black Dress promise. I know last year I said that no matter where I was in my journey, in December 2014 I would wear an LBD proudly and we would go out on the town and I would own it. Well, here I am in my journey and I didn't want to own it. I wanted my LBD moment to be special. I didn't need to be at goal to have it be special, but I needed to feel like I had done the best I could do and that I couldn't have done more and that I would hold my head up proudly. I can't do that right now. I could have done more. I could have not given up on myself, even when it hurt. And so, since I am the boss of me, I decided I will have that moment, but now is not when it will be. I will re-focus, I will get back on track. I will. Not because of an LBD deadline, but because it is what I need to do for my life that certainly does have a deadline at some point, which is unknown to me.
So, going in to 2015, my dog is officially blind, which we have come to terms with. Shark Bait's dog has recovered. The ponies are on the mend. Our financial fiasco has been neutralized and we have a plan in action. Shark Bait has a new job that will be better for our lives.
That leaves me. I know I need to get my shit together, again. And I will, again. Life will continue (God willing) and more shit will happen. My goal is to handle it better. To be that much stronger. I've lived another year, I've learned more about myself and I hope that before I die, I get this shit figured out. If I do die before I get to the LBD, my request from you is, stuff me in an LBD, close the lid and say, "Yay, she did it!" Humor me, okay?
Last year around this time I found myself in an almost "optimistic" place and set all kinds of challenges for myself. I was going to get my shit together and LIVE my life. I got off to a great start with my goal book, and trying new healthy meals and going to the gym. I encountered many hurdles at the gym with my body fighting me every step of the way. I worked-out with Ass Kicker and he helped guide me and push me and after just a short time, I came to realize that I liked the challenge. I actually enjoyed pushing myself and seeing my body change before my eyes, seeing "baby abs" and muscle definition starting to form on the back of my thighs. I felt invincible and like I could do this. I was excited that I found my inner athlete. I didn't know she existed.
 | |||
| Spring was here and I was starting to feel good. |
I even cut my hair short. I was feeling brave. Like, maybe soon I would be able to rock a shorter skirt. I noticed, and could feel, my collar bones for the first time. Maybe I'm not smiling in these pictures I am posting, but on the inside, I was feeling confident. I'm not big on smiling in pictures, never really have been, so for every person that says, "you should really smile," I say to you, pick your battles, because I have been battling this body for a lifetime. When I'm ready, I will. A genuine, light up the room, smile. Someday. Wait for it. Until then, let me be who I need to be to survive each day and know that I am okay with what I'm putting out there.
In May, I took my good horse, Lola, out to our first trail challenge event. We weren't ready to compete on any level as we had not worked together that much, but it was a great start to having hope for getting back in the swing of things with my horses. It was a good day spent with my sister and friends. I felt like the part of me that had been missing for so long, the part that lived for her horses, I felt like that part was truly coming back. I had missed that part so much.
 |
| Lola and I waiting for our wild trip around the trail course. |
And then, one day at the gym not long after my pony event debut, my work-out was too much. We pushed too hard. I could hardly walk and my hips screamed in pain, my shoulder screamed in pain, my sciatic screamed in pain. I stopped going to the gym and over the next two months I saw doctor after doctor, but no one had answers. I was angry, depressed, defeated. My body had, once again, let me down. I went to the Fat Doctors and they tried to put me on some medications to help me continue on my journey. Those turned out to be unsuccessful. I went to The Rug Doctor and we discussed that being on anti-depressants didn't have to be a bad thing and that maybe it would be helpful. And so the journey of finding a balanced place for my emotions and giving my body a chance to recover began.
The next few months I made a few attempts at returning to the gym, each time results frustrating me until I just stopped going all together. I let the darkness in and watched all the progress I had made just disappear. This only made things worse. Looking at myself every day in the mirror and being disappointed in myself and knowing that my jeans were just a bit tighter than they were before. I would pass someone at work and they would say, "You look so great, you can tell you are really losing weight!" I would die inside each time. Hating myself, because I knew the truth.
The summer was full of struggle and angst for me, personally. No vacations or adventures, really. It just seemed to slip by. I tried to keep the momentum up with my horse, but our pretty dry summer made the ground very hard and it was difficult to get the work-outs in here at home that I needed to with Lola to keep us moving forward. I had a week of vacation in July and spent each day riding Lola, but at the end of the week, my hips ached. So, now, for the most part, the riding stopped again.
In the fall, in an effort to hold on to the mental and physical progress I had made earlier in the year, I went and made a purchase that would make my heart happy, if only briefly. I bought my first pair of boots. Not cowboy boots, but the kind of fashionable boots that all the "cool" girls wear in the fall. It was the first time I was able to find a pair that would fit my calves. While they were wide-calf boots, they were still the mark of an accomplishment that I had dreamed of for a long time. I wore them nervously the first time in public, but then after that, I found the "tramp walk" that I can't seem to keep myself from doing when I wear them, and it was empowering. I would try to re-harness some hope and get back in the game.
 | |||||
| In support group talk, this is called an "NSV" (Non ScaleVictory) |
Enter the holiday season. So much pressure, so much stress. Shark Bait and I decided that we needed to stop the madness and focus on us as a couple and take care of our needs instead of worrying about what everyone else wanted or expected. I made a deal with myself that I would try and be kind to myself and that Shark Bait and I would take the time to enjoy the holidays with fun stuff instead of just frantically surviving it like we have in the past. I decided to stop the anti-depressants as they were enabling me to become an uninspired blob and I had zero enthusiasm about anything. I promised myself that I would walk two 5-K's by the end of the year, that we would have a fun holiday get-a-way, and that I would take pressure off of myself about losing weight and the Little Black Dress promise I had made at the beginning of 2014.
I kept those promises to myself and to Shark Bait. I walked both 5K's without any pain to my body, which was exciting and Shark Bait and I took a get-a-way weekend to Leavenworth for the Christmas lighting ceremony.
 |
| Turkey Trot 5K, Jingle Bell 5K and us in Leavenworth |
So, going in to 2015, my dog is officially blind, which we have come to terms with. Shark Bait's dog has recovered. The ponies are on the mend. Our financial fiasco has been neutralized and we have a plan in action. Shark Bait has a new job that will be better for our lives.
That leaves me. I know I need to get my shit together, again. And I will, again. Life will continue (God willing) and more shit will happen. My goal is to handle it better. To be that much stronger. I've lived another year, I've learned more about myself and I hope that before I die, I get this shit figured out. If I do die before I get to the LBD, my request from you is, stuff me in an LBD, close the lid and say, "Yay, she did it!" Humor me, okay?
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