I don't always talk about the disgusting bathroom, but when I do, it's stall number one. I have mentioned a time or two on my FB page about the conditions in which I am forced to contend with in the bathroom at work. I've said many times that I do not know what happens in there. I can't explain it, can't understand it.
Today, I am sitting there at my desk working and Stiletto Barbie comes walking towards my desk pointing at me. She looks horrified and she is almost stammering and stuttering. I don't know what she is about to say, but this is big, I can feel it. I give her my full attention and she says, "I know what you said on your FB page...I read it, but I could have never imagined what you were talking about until now." She was visibly shaken. She had a real sense of terror in her eyes. She continued, almost as if she may need sedation after what she was about to say, "I saw stall number one. I don't...what the...I can't..." I understood now. She was experiencing the trauma that I, too, have shared. I told her, "I know...I know...I don't think it is meant for us to understand."
There was a moment of silence while we both contemplated what must go on in there. The Dish Guy was nearby and looked a little uncomfortable with the whole ordeal. I explained to him that the problem was that someone goes in there and pees all over the seat and just leaves it. I think they have vaginal tourettes syndrome. Maybe she is in there and then all the sudden her vagina goes ape shit crazy and crop dusts the whole stall. Seizure? Or, is it that her hoo-hoo hole is big enough to park a tractor in and she just has no control? I don't know. We hypothesized that maybe this person, even as a hoverer, should put a seat cover down, at bare minimum, and then clean up when done. But no, she doesn't want to touch that toxic urine. Dish Guy suggested maybe she should lift the seat. I think that is an excellent idea. I mean, if you are going to hover anyway, put the seat up.
It is a gross subject, no denying that, but we have to come up with a solution. We cannot have stall number one being a hazardous waste site. Perhaps a funnel. A really big funnel. Maybe we should put one in there. I can invent it. We could call it the Harry Potter. You just fit it over the toilet seat and then hover over it with your girl bits and pee with abandon...and then your pee goes right into the pot. Or, maybe the Harry Potter is too vulgar. We could call it Wild Waves by the makers of Honey Bucket. Splash and slide down into the toity. I'm just saying, they make attachments for everything, why not for people that cannot control their explosive vaginas? I think this is bigger than just stall number one. We can't be the only office with this problem. And, if the Harry Potter or the Wild Waves take off, then we can work on the secondary issue and create the Poop Shoot 2000. It will work in a similar fashion, but will help get poop into the toilet and off the walls. If used correctly, there shouldn't be any reason at all to abandon your underwear in the bathroom because you had to take them off to wipe your poop off the wall....or floor.
Stiletto Barbie, I think we need to start working on a patent right away. And, if the person with bad pee etiquette or the tricky va-jayjay is reading this, could you just lift the seat until we get our new product on the market? There has got to be a way for you to stop spraying the bathroom like a pack of dogs at the fire hydrant in the park. I beg you. Liberate stall number one. Or, if you need to tighten things up, consider kegel exercises, you know, if you think you can handle it without shooting anything out. As gross as all this sounds, it's equally gross to have to encounter it daily.
At the bare minimum, there needs to be a tip jar in there for the janitor. Lord knows, he's earned it.
Today, I am sitting there at my desk working and Stiletto Barbie comes walking towards my desk pointing at me. She looks horrified and she is almost stammering and stuttering. I don't know what she is about to say, but this is big, I can feel it. I give her my full attention and she says, "I know what you said on your FB page...I read it, but I could have never imagined what you were talking about until now." She was visibly shaken. She had a real sense of terror in her eyes. She continued, almost as if she may need sedation after what she was about to say, "I saw stall number one. I don't...what the...I can't..." I understood now. She was experiencing the trauma that I, too, have shared. I told her, "I know...I know...I don't think it is meant for us to understand."
There was a moment of silence while we both contemplated what must go on in there. The Dish Guy was nearby and looked a little uncomfortable with the whole ordeal. I explained to him that the problem was that someone goes in there and pees all over the seat and just leaves it. I think they have vaginal tourettes syndrome. Maybe she is in there and then all the sudden her vagina goes ape shit crazy and crop dusts the whole stall. Seizure? Or, is it that her hoo-hoo hole is big enough to park a tractor in and she just has no control? I don't know. We hypothesized that maybe this person, even as a hoverer, should put a seat cover down, at bare minimum, and then clean up when done. But no, she doesn't want to touch that toxic urine. Dish Guy suggested maybe she should lift the seat. I think that is an excellent idea. I mean, if you are going to hover anyway, put the seat up.
It is a gross subject, no denying that, but we have to come up with a solution. We cannot have stall number one being a hazardous waste site. Perhaps a funnel. A really big funnel. Maybe we should put one in there. I can invent it. We could call it the Harry Potter. You just fit it over the toilet seat and then hover over it with your girl bits and pee with abandon...and then your pee goes right into the pot. Or, maybe the Harry Potter is too vulgar. We could call it Wild Waves by the makers of Honey Bucket. Splash and slide down into the toity. I'm just saying, they make attachments for everything, why not for people that cannot control their explosive vaginas? I think this is bigger than just stall number one. We can't be the only office with this problem. And, if the Harry Potter or the Wild Waves take off, then we can work on the secondary issue and create the Poop Shoot 2000. It will work in a similar fashion, but will help get poop into the toilet and off the walls. If used correctly, there shouldn't be any reason at all to abandon your underwear in the bathroom because you had to take them off to wipe your poop off the wall....or floor.
Stiletto Barbie, I think we need to start working on a patent right away. And, if the person with bad pee etiquette or the tricky va-jayjay is reading this, could you just lift the seat until we get our new product on the market? There has got to be a way for you to stop spraying the bathroom like a pack of dogs at the fire hydrant in the park. I beg you. Liberate stall number one. Or, if you need to tighten things up, consider kegel exercises, you know, if you think you can handle it without shooting anything out. As gross as all this sounds, it's equally gross to have to encounter it daily.
At the bare minimum, there needs to be a tip jar in there for the janitor. Lord knows, he's earned it.
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