On the way to work today, I heard about a woman that was unemployed, so decided to start her own business. I guess she calls it a "snuggery." Basically, she charges people $60 per hour to come and just snuggle with her. Clothes on, no hanky panky, just straight up, big spoon, little spoon action. I guess her business is thriving. She says some guys do get turned on and get a boner, but says, "it's perfectly normal." She insists nothing happens as a result of these forbidden boners. Just snuggling. That's it. I'm not even "huggy," this wouldn't work for me.
All this got me to thinking, there must be something I can do to earn some cash. I mean, I have talents, right? Let's see, what do I know a lot about that people might pay for? I mean, I've given riding lessons and trained horses, but I need something that a broader spectrum of people could benefit from. Hmmmm...
Ok, option one: Jedi Bitch School. I mean come on, I am the Yoda of this. People come up to my desk and totally piss me off. I look at them, silently, yet forcefully, letting the offenders know that I think they suck. No words are spoken, no weapons used, I remain calm until forced to engage into warfare, at which time, I raise up my middle finger in a battle cry and go forth with sarcastic disdain for their behavior. I never have to leave my chair. I think this could net me some cash. And if people wanted to really learn the sarcasm, I could offer additional training on How to be a Smart Ass and Still Keep Your Job.
Option two: Proper Pranx Ettiquette. I thought about calling it "The Spanxery," but I think people might get the wrong idea. I'm talking about people that wear fat controlling devices (FCD's). I mean, come on, look around, people are fat and they need support. Big girls in search of flat bellies and smooth thighs...and men too. My pal, Alligator Horse Guy, was wearing his today. I didn't know they made man Spanx, but they do. Hooray for equality! He couldn't wait to get home and unleash his belly. Anyway, if you read my previous blog about Pranx, you know these spandex contraptions can be difficult, frustrating, and let's face it, dangerous. You ever see a fat girl with one leg in her Pranx, hopping, trying to get her other leg in, but the Pranx are stuck to her leg and then she loses her balance and falls down? I'm not saying it's happened to me, I'm just saying, the danger is real. Or, maybe you get Pranx too small because you want to look like the Barbie doll on the package? It will pop your spleen right out your nose. Or, consider getting so mad at your Pranx that you cut them off and in the process, you stab yourself with scissors. I'm telling you, do not purchase Pranx without the proper training. Additionally, you will need to know how to adjust your Pranx while in public without all the skinny people realizing you are rolling your one leg down while pulling your waist band up. Yes, indeed, this could be lucrative for me. I could probably get the Surgeon General's endorsement for my program. I see book deals, infomercials, support groups...yes, this has possibilities.
Option three: JibJab & Faceinhole Academy. I see amateurs making Jib Jabs with jagged edges on the heads, or picking the lame e-card options. No, come on, get it right. You get your cropping points correct and you put your parents heads in the Olivia Newton-John workout video dance and laugh until you cry. Then you post it on their facebook page and you wait for all of their uptight friends to be aghast at how it looks like your parents are dry-humping while working out. This is the gift that keeps on giving. Or, you create a bogus reason to get your bosses picture and you put it in the Luau dance where two men are wearing coconut shells and stroking their belly buttons while dancing half-naked. You will pee yourself. People just don't know the right way to do these things. Then, there is Faceinhole. This site alone provides unlimited amounts of fun. Say you want to completely lie on a dating site about being a fatty. Just plug your face into Pamela Anderson's Baywatch body and presto, profile picture! So you look a little different when you meet your guy in person. He's seen your picture, he knows, with the right diet, you will have enormous boobs and a tight ass. By the time he figures out it was all a lie, you will have fattened him up a little bit and ruined his self-esteem so that he won't leave you.
Those are just the few I can think of now, but what about collecting ponies, or how to tell when your husband just bought guns and won't fess up. I really think my solution to long term wealth is here. I just need to decide.
All this got me to thinking, there must be something I can do to earn some cash. I mean, I have talents, right? Let's see, what do I know a lot about that people might pay for? I mean, I've given riding lessons and trained horses, but I need something that a broader spectrum of people could benefit from. Hmmmm...
Ok, option one: Jedi Bitch School. I mean come on, I am the Yoda of this. People come up to my desk and totally piss me off. I look at them, silently, yet forcefully, letting the offenders know that I think they suck. No words are spoken, no weapons used, I remain calm until forced to engage into warfare, at which time, I raise up my middle finger in a battle cry and go forth with sarcastic disdain for their behavior. I never have to leave my chair. I think this could net me some cash. And if people wanted to really learn the sarcasm, I could offer additional training on How to be a Smart Ass and Still Keep Your Job.
Option two: Proper Pranx Ettiquette. I thought about calling it "The Spanxery," but I think people might get the wrong idea. I'm talking about people that wear fat controlling devices (FCD's). I mean, come on, look around, people are fat and they need support. Big girls in search of flat bellies and smooth thighs...and men too. My pal, Alligator Horse Guy, was wearing his today. I didn't know they made man Spanx, but they do. Hooray for equality! He couldn't wait to get home and unleash his belly. Anyway, if you read my previous blog about Pranx, you know these spandex contraptions can be difficult, frustrating, and let's face it, dangerous. You ever see a fat girl with one leg in her Pranx, hopping, trying to get her other leg in, but the Pranx are stuck to her leg and then she loses her balance and falls down? I'm not saying it's happened to me, I'm just saying, the danger is real. Or, maybe you get Pranx too small because you want to look like the Barbie doll on the package? It will pop your spleen right out your nose. Or, consider getting so mad at your Pranx that you cut them off and in the process, you stab yourself with scissors. I'm telling you, do not purchase Pranx without the proper training. Additionally, you will need to know how to adjust your Pranx while in public without all the skinny people realizing you are rolling your one leg down while pulling your waist band up. Yes, indeed, this could be lucrative for me. I could probably get the Surgeon General's endorsement for my program. I see book deals, infomercials, support groups...yes, this has possibilities.
Option three: JibJab & Faceinhole Academy. I see amateurs making Jib Jabs with jagged edges on the heads, or picking the lame e-card options. No, come on, get it right. You get your cropping points correct and you put your parents heads in the Olivia Newton-John workout video dance and laugh until you cry. Then you post it on their facebook page and you wait for all of their uptight friends to be aghast at how it looks like your parents are dry-humping while working out. This is the gift that keeps on giving. Or, you create a bogus reason to get your bosses picture and you put it in the Luau dance where two men are wearing coconut shells and stroking their belly buttons while dancing half-naked. You will pee yourself. People just don't know the right way to do these things. Then, there is Faceinhole. This site alone provides unlimited amounts of fun. Say you want to completely lie on a dating site about being a fatty. Just plug your face into Pamela Anderson's Baywatch body and presto, profile picture! So you look a little different when you meet your guy in person. He's seen your picture, he knows, with the right diet, you will have enormous boobs and a tight ass. By the time he figures out it was all a lie, you will have fattened him up a little bit and ruined his self-esteem so that he won't leave you.
Those are just the few I can think of now, but what about collecting ponies, or how to tell when your husband just bought guns and won't fess up. I really think my solution to long term wealth is here. I just need to decide.
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